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Life, Living and Loving

That Shit Was Wack!

Props to Up4 for yet another thought-provoking blog:  http://up4dsn.wordpress.com/2011/12/03/wacksex/ or “What the Hell You Mean My Sex is Wack?!”  Lots of responses to this one and if you’ve not seen it, stop by and give it a read.  Ah, yeah, but, um, you know me – I had to escalate the whole issue like this:

“Doesn’t any of this depend on whose definition of wack is being used? Yup, this makes the whole thing even more interesting, doesn’t it? I’m a guy and I don’t pretend to understand how we look at this; there’s “as good as we want it to be” and then there’s the reality of the whole thing. We want it to be the bomb, have it all in our heads what constitutes this for us… but the reality is always different because it depends on how the other person is making us feel, right? It’s what they do to make us, as guys, bust that hellfied nut that curls our toes and makes our asshole clinch up, right? So, it begs the other question – at least for men: If you cracked your nuts open and it didn’t feel the way you expected it to feel, um, whose “fault” is it? And then, what did you expect anyway?

I’m hoping Totsy doesn’t see this; she’s gonna beat me for raising Cain again… damn!”

As I read the latest comments on this, my brain just automatically said, “Define wack.”  Uh-oh… now we’re into that whole expectation thing, aren’t we?  We know sex is supposed to be good and, preferably, it’s supposed to be good all the time and no matter who you have it with… which is pure, unadulterated bullshit – it’s a fantasy, an illusion, or even an unreasonable goal – but we all chase this one, don’t we?  For those of us who have been around the block so many times they named it after us, you know that, eh, sometimes, tapping that tuna just doesn’t hit the spot at times, right fellas?  And for the ladies, well, to them, most of us are barely competent and are lucky we can put it in the right hole.

Someone asked me if I’d ever had any bad sex and I asked them to define what good sex was in their opinion.  It was a spirited debate, lots of good back and forth about what’s good and what isn’t until I realized something:  This is all stuff that’s in my head about sex and, oops, there seems to be a second opinion waving for attention – so I acknowledged it and listened to what it had to say… and I sometimes wish I hadn’t.

“Good sex” is, for all intents and purposes, whatever I say it is… and whatever the person I’m having it with says, too, and, oh, damn, um, we might be of differing opinions about this one.  Ha, nothing makes a guy feel so small than to have what he says is mind-blowing sex with a woman, only to have her look at him, shrug, and say, “It was aight…”  Takes the wind right out of your sails, huh?  But, ladies, this is the same thing that’ll make us say, “Well, I got my rocks off…”  Say “it was aight” to a woman who was seeing stars afterward and unless she knew you were joking – and you should never joke with a woman about this right after sex with her – you can bet your ass that you won’t be seeing that pussy again and if you’re married to her, it won’t be any time soon, you ungrateful motherfucker…

There’s the generally accepted “version” of what good sex is – then there’s reality.  We spend so much time hunting for that good sex that we kinda forget that anything that makes us have an orgasm is considered to be good unless, of course, you and orgasms are strangers to each other.

So, um, if you bone a willing vict – uh, partner, what exactly are you expecting to happen when the clothes come off?  And, to this blogger, the key word here is “expecting,” which is also a word I believe gives us problems.  So, if you had sex with girlfriend, what made it wack?  Did you not get off?  She say or do something that took you out of the mood?  Didn’t do something?  What?  Why was something you were hoping to make you do that asshole-clinching thing turn out to be anything but that?

Men and women talk beaucoup shit about their prowess – just part of the game (Hi, Mystery!) and, of course, there’s talking the talk and then being able to walk the walk.  Good sex is about meeting and/or exceeding expectations… so I’m thinking that if one’s expectations weren’t met for some reason, that shit was wack, huh?  But, ahem, since I don’t think y’all heard me I’m gonna ask it again:  What were you expecting?  Better yet, why were you expecting anything other than having sex to begin with, hmm?

I don’t rightfully remember at what point in my life I stopped having expectations when it came to sex or, to be more accurate, counting on them to happen as advertised.  Don’t get me wrong; I’ve felt my butt-hole clinch up and my toes curled so much I’ve gotten cramps in both feet so, shit, it’s all good, especially when you go to sit up and realize that lying back down is a good thing – it makes the room stop spinning.  In my mind, I “simplified” it; if I’m having sex, it’s already good… because having sex at all is good (with some exceptions).  Anything after that is gravy and is there really such a thing as too much gravy?  No?  Didn’t think so…

Women expect us to deliver as promise – which is why one shouldn’t go and talk some shit they can’t back up – because it will be used against you like you wouldn’t believe and, yes, that goes for being married, too.  Yet, we do have to convince women that, yes, baby girl, I can rock your world big time – it’s part of the game (Hi, Mystery!) and if she feels that, yes, he just might be able to, dude, you’d better bring it like she’s never been fucked before in her life.

Now, from a purely male point of view, what, exactly, are we expecting the woman to do, I mean, other than that polishing the knob thing?  Sex is interactive and reactive and this should be easy to figure out because it’s about how we make each other feel from beginning to end.  So, when I hear some dude say, “You know so-and-so?  She can’t fuck worth shit!”  And I’m betting he said that because his expectations of being in bed with her weren’t met in some way – he expected either something to happen or to be made to feel a certain way, it didn’t happen, that shit was wack!

I had a woman tell me that women can’t fuck, unless they strap something on and use it on a guy – but they can be fucked and it’s how well they take to being fucked that makes a lot of difference, something I hadn’t thought of in quite that way – it was novel, to say the least.  So, if you wind up in bed with a lioness, whew, okay; wind up with an ewe, well, what exactly is wrong with that?  I mean, you are having sex, aren’t you and just because she’s not reacting like a porn star doesn’t make her shit bad, does it?  And, yes, ladies, substitute “lion” and “lamb” for that stud you’re getting busy with…

Okay, so if you’re giving her the high hard one and she’s lying there filing her nails or staring off into space with that “I wish he’d hurry the fuck up” look on her face – and as someone pointed out – that’s when the finger-pointing starts; he says it’s her fault the sex was wack and she’s convinced that his shit has always been wack and he’s now showing his true colors.

What did you expect?  Now, if you know stuff about sex, then you know how easy it is to get screwed up – all it takes is a single thought to make what was a good sexual experience the worst one you’ve ever had.  It’s the thing that makes us point fingers at each other and talk about the lack of consistency in bringing the noise – ha, did you forget that’s a woman you’re trying to make happy in this?  I guess we behave as if nothing is supposed to diminish the sex we have with each other, even though we are also aware that there a lot of things that’ll make the sex less than expected and, again, the key word here is “expected.”

Yup, there’s that whole “action speaks louder than words” thing – and then there’s reality, huh?  Are we really that naive in that someone tells us they’re gonna rock our world – and we expect them to do it… and then, if they don’t, that shit was wack?  If we’re about to kick holes in the walls with someone then find out, in that moment, there’s something they won’t or can’t do – and they never mentioned it before the fact – is the sex still wack?

Or are your expectations making it so?  If a woman’s doing the “dead body” thing on you – and that’s because she probably didn’t want to have sex to begin with – because she’s failed to meet your expectations sex with her it’s is no good?  Her shit is wack?  We do expect the person we’re having sex with – or trying to have sex with – to be a willing participant in this so, yeah, even this could be seen as being a less-than-ideal situation – doesn’t make her wack.

Women put incredible pressure on men to perform and we don’t help our situation out any by swearing to God we’re gonna fuck them all night long – and after the first nut, we’re snoring like we ate too much turkey when she was expecting us to fuck like we had insomnia and OD’d on Viagra.  A couple of mistakes here, one being running one’s mouth and the other, um, expectations:  If you promise it, you’d better deliver it and if you don’t – that shit was wack, huh?

I think that at some point, we get this idea in our heads about what good sex is – call it a model and that’s pretty much what it is, a construct of our own design based on experiences and that bullshit we get stuffed into our heads that says when a man and a woman – or any other combination that works for ya – gets together for sex, call a contractor because you’re gonna need some serious remodeling done – and keep your bedding provider on speed dial.

I know what it means to me to have good sex – beginning with being able to have sex at all so it’s already a plus whether she’s a lioness or an ewe if and when she gets warmed up.  If I’ve done my due diligence, the two of us have already had this “what do you expect from me” conversation, either the short “one night stand” version or the “we’re gonna be with each other for a few” version because if I know what she expects, then I’ll know if I can deliver or not.  She asks me what I expect and I’ve gotten into the habit of saying, “The only thing I really expect is that you’ll want to have sex with me…”  Then I gotta make sure that she’ll want to.

And shouldn’t this be the only real expectation?  If a man or a woman doesn’t perform up to some standard or expectation, does that make the sex wack?  Or does that really mean that the two people involved need to get their heads out of their collective asses and work together so that they can never say that about each other?  For instance, I know a woman whose expectations of her man are so high that I’m not all that surprised when she tells me that he said she makes him feel inferior.  Shit, even I don’t think I could have sex with her and provide any satisfaction!

She asked me about this and after several hours of burning up Yahoo’s messenger, I proposed two things to her even though I’d not heard his side of the story.  One:  Did it ever occur to you that despite what he’s said, he may be unable to perform at that level for some reason?  Two:  If you know where he falls short, did it ever occur to you to lower your expectations so that he has a better chance of meeting them?

To the first, she said that she knows he has shortcomings but, in the same sentence, asked me why she should lower her expectations if he can’t meet them?  I took that as a “no” to the second part… so it’s no wonder to me that they think each other is plenty wack when it comes to this.

Here’s the other thing about that shit being wack:  We rely on the other person to take care of our satisfaction in toto and, thus, take no responsibility for our own satisfaction.  Think about that one for a moment before you tell me this isn’t true – and while you’re thinking, I’m gonna go get something to drink (it’s now 20:31 EST).

Okay, it’s now 20:35 EST and if you’ve decided I’m full of shit on this one, it’s probably because you accepted the responsibility when you selected the person who’s convinced you that they can, in fact, meet and/or exceed your expectations – and that’s where you stop and make the other person fully responsible for this.  We tend to forget that good sex doesn’t just happen – we have to make it happen and that takes work, doesn’t it?  It takes, at the least, meaningful communication about such things because people do change their minds about this from time to time and there are external things that play into this.  Nah, we just expect the sex to be good the first time and every time after that, even though some of us have learned the fallacy in thinking like that.

Here’s the other thing that’ll bake your noodle:  If it is wack, um, what are y’all doing to “unwack” it?  I know people who have broken up because of wack sex and, yeah, the fingers are pointing all over the place and the one-who-is-wack is getting put on blast all over Twitter and Facebook.

Oh, yeah, there’s that whole “I ain’t gonna do” thing going on with this as well.  The bottom line is that if you’re not going to invest yourself in the whole process of pleasing and being pleased, well, I guess that shit’s gonna keep right on being wack, huh?  If you’re not always gonna give your best, chances are neither is the other person.  And here’s one last thing to think about, if you care to:  If you’re screwing someone and they’re not just making you feel the way you want to feel, before you blame them, take a close look at yourself first because it’s a given that we can be our own worst enemies when it comes to sexual satisfaction, like expecting them to do something they can’t or won’t do.

Okay, Up – take it up from here, my brother…

About kdaddy23

Not really sure what to say; there's a lot about me that can be said but the basic thing is that I'm just a guy with a lot of things on my mind that I need to get said. I have to add that if you're not old enough to deal with adult issues or you find them offensive, you might want to stay out of my head...

Discussion

10 thoughts on “That Shit Was Wack!

  1. I personally believe that good and bad sex is subjective. It’s always going to depend on the individual. Some people like if fast, some people like it slow. Some people like it rough, some people like it gentle. It all depends on the individual. That’s why I believe it is important to define what wack and good is. That’s precisely what I did in the earlier parts of the discussion. I believe it was in part 1. I asked both of my guest to provide me with their definitions of wack, good and GREAT sex.

    Sure some things may remain the same in a lot of people’s definition, but there will be differences also. No question about it. You made a great point about expectations. I believe that’s what it all boils down to. Some people’s expectations may be too high going into and may lead to them believing the sex was wack. Or on the other hand their expectations may not have been very high and led them to believe the sex was the greatest. It’s all about perception and expectation.

    The thing that leaves me shaking my head are the people you refuse to think that it’s them. Meaning they always think they are at their best and incapable of putting on a bad performance. I wonder how that kind of mentality forms. We all have to start somewhere. How many people were at their best the first time or first few times. To me it’s all about getting better with time. Yup! Just like wine. I want to learn. I want to teach. I want to have an outstanding experience with my woman because we both are focused on pleasing one another and aren’t afraid to work on ourselves in order to achieve that.

    Posted by Up4Dsn | 5 December 2011, 21:47
    • Of course it’s subjective – and most people really don’t know about sex on the whole to really be objective about it – but don’t we have a funny way of looking at this? If she doesn’t meet my expectations, well, that’s her fault, either because my expectations were unreasonable or my idea of “good sex” is skewed big time. I don’t know if you’ve been following my conversation with Mystery about talking about the sex but other than my belief that this is a necessary thing to do, there’s this:

      1. My idea of good sex
      2. Her idea of good sex
      3. Our idea of good sex.

      The first two aren’t going to be the same – might not even be close. Ah, but that last one? That’s where we put our heads together and came up with a mix of our ideas to make our sex good by any definition. People are into “this is what I like” and “this is what I don’t like” but rarely are they into “what can we do to make our sex together the best it can be?” If you don’t ask, you don’t know; you leave each other to their own devices, the sex is gonna be wack by someone’s standards. So, yeah, I think it makes sense to come up with that joint definition; not what’s good for me or her but what’s good for us.

      How that “It wasn’t me” mentality came about shouldn’t be all that hard to figure out. Like, I happen to know that my daughter thinks her husband is lousy in bed – he was wack when they met. She made a big mistake by telling him he was good when, in fact, she was very disappointed in him and then he started believing he was the shit and that when their sex was wack, it was her and not him. I know this is something we do to each other because it’s easier to lie and tell the other person they’re all that than it is to tell the very painful truth: You don’t know how to have sex with me. Again, either they didn’t ask, didn’t tell, or they believed that hype someone put into their heads at some point and – voila! That mentality you’re wondering about. Just like the dudes with the monster dicks; they believe the hype that bigger is better and women always like it bigger so since they’re bigger, they’re better… when the truth is they’re like a blind bull in a china shop. Which is the lesser of the two evils: Tell him he needs to learn how to fuck a woman properly with that thing… or that he’s doing a good job when he’s not? If he’s spend most of his sexual life believing the lie, well, there you go: It’s not him, it’s always her.

      Get this: Would you believe that some women are taught that when they have sex, all they have to do is lie there and let the man do all the work? And I do mean all of it. She might be holding up her end by letting him have his way with her but in his mind, her sex is wack because, well, she’s not really participating in that sense because no one told her – or she doesn’t believe – that she’s gotta throw down like it’s being declared illegal tomorrow and gets hers while he’s getting his and that if she doesn’t, she’s gonna be spending quite a while with herself and her rep for being a lousy piece of ass. And once someone gets their self-image in this trashed, they don’t always recover from it so all the sex they’ll ever have will be seen as being wack.

      You can see variations of several themes, like you’re with someone who doesn’t believe in oral sex, or someone who thinks the missionary position is the only position to do it in or maybe feels they can’t do it any other way for some reason. It’s kinda hard to go to work on a woman if she’s flinching and freezing up because something’s been haunting the shit out of her from her past, you don’t know what it is and she won’t speak to it. Think the sex is gonna be wack? Um, no – the sex is gonna be nonexistent.

      We must learn from our past experiences in this but, wow, how many times have I written about this one this year? If our heads are stuck here, the sex will be wack. If you stop and think about it, having high standards and expectations are fine but the problem here is that you’re also assuming there’s someone out there who can meet and/or exceed them, right? So if someone’s problem is that they set the bar too low so that any sex they have is the bomb shit, um, is that really a problem? Kinda makes meeting and/or exceeding any standards or expectations kinda easy, huh? The one downside I can see in this is that if someone gets it into their head that the sex can’t get any better, they’ll never try to make it any better and while maintaining the status quo in this is fine, being able and willing to raise the bar when the time comes – and it will come eventually – is a good thing to do.

      There’s nothing wrong with asking for more; the problem comes in asking for more than what’s being offered or exceeding someone’s ability to perform. It’s not about technique or even stamina or staying power: It’s about both people getting and staying on the same page in the most important aspect of their relationship. And just like every damned thing else, it starts with communication, doesn’t it? That fast/slow/gentle/rough thing? If you don’t tell me, I won’t know and if I don’t ask, I need to have my ass kicked because I know that if you leave me to my own devices, you might say my shit is wack if I’m going all around that which knocks your ass over the state line. I really don’t read minds and even though I have a lot of years and sexual experiences under my belt – I have a couple of blocks named after me – none of it means shit if we can’t get on the same page about what we want between the sheets.

      This giving you food for thought, my brother? I don’t know how you come up with such great topics of discussion but I’m waiting patiently to see what you might do about this one and here’s a question you can ask: Can someone really “ruin” the sex for the next person who comes along, you know, someone did them so damned good that no one will be able to beat the preceding act? Run this one up the flagpole and let’s see who salutes it!

      Posted by kdaddy23 | 6 December 2011, 01:33
      • That’s precisely how I see it. I don’t think anything in a relationship can work without communication and that includes the sex. I view things the way you said it. I can’t know what she likes and she can’t know what I like if we don’t discuss it…and take one another seriously. So yeah, I completely understand this.

        I just didn’t explain it in my comment, because I have a habit of not repeating my beliefs or feelings once I’ve spoken or written on them before. At the same time, I have to realize that not everyone has read, listened or watched all my content. So there will come times when I have to reiterate how I feel about certain things and share what I believe in.

        With that being said, one of the things that I am constantly proclaiming is how vital communication is…in life, friendships and relationships. A lot of people seem to have forgotten this, choose to ignore it or somehow never were taught.

        That’s a good question you posed. I’ll have to write it down and present it in a future question of the week. Thanks.

        Posted by Up4Dsn | 6 December 2011, 12:50
      • If you’re gonna let your ego run the show, then get it into the mode of thinking and behavior that you can always be better and then work with your partner along those same lines. There’s a ton of stuff two people can do to, with, and for each other in bed – you just gotta be willing to do them… like that’s always gonna happen.

        And I should be thanking you for providing a vehicle for such a question – so thank you, J!

        Posted by kdaddy23 | 6 December 2011, 13:51
  2. I agree… If someone was to tell me I was’t sexually satisfying them, I would ask how can I and do they mind teaching me. Everyone is different…so there for what you may like I won’t.

    I can’t stress that communication is key. I’ve had someone who was whack…and I didn’t care to assist him…why because he was bragging and if your gonna brag be about yours.

    Excellent post by the both of you!

    Posted by sunnydelyte21 | 6 December 2011, 10:44
    • It really is about working together as much as it is trying to keep your own perspective about sex fresh and up-to-date. People are “naturally” resistant to change so once you figure out you have this sex thing down pat, that’s about the same time you find out you don’t because you’ve failed to adjust. We get into that “I like what I like” and that’s right where most of us stay. Hear about another way to get your boat afloat and, yeah, sounds good on paper… but then we think, “Well, it’s been going great for me so far – why should I change?”

      Um, because one day you might have a lover who’ll tell you that your shit is wack, that’s why. We assume that if we did try something new and didn’t like it, it’ll never be something to like; maybe we have a moment where we think that maybe it was because of who was doing whatever, the timing, stuff like that but then, something in our brains says, “Nah, I just didn’t like that shit…” – and we never do it again. We find ourselves faced with this thing and the first thing we think is, “I didn’t like it before, not gonna like it now so fuck that!”

      Next thing you know, you’re wack. I think we forget that it’s please and be pleased so when that give and take doesn’t happen, that shit is wack. It’s not just in the doing or not – it’s also in the mindset as well and if you’re having sex in 2011 like it was done in 1950, your shit is not only wack but is sorely outdated. If that instant gratification thing lives in your head, your shit is wack; if you are unwilling to learn how to make love to someone, your shit is wack; if you are unwilling to teach someone, ditto. If you let your fears make you foolish, it’s wack time for you. If you assume that I know how to knock your ass into the next county, your shit is wack. I mean, really: What price do you put on your pleasure? And, did you know that when you put a price on your pleasure, you’re also putting one on your partners pleasure and, uh-oh, it’s wack time!

      I’ll say it again: I know how to make love; I just don’t know how to make love to YOU. Make me guess at it and you’ll be saying I’m wack because you won’t tell me what I need to know – and that shit is wack, too.

      Posted by kdaddy23 | 6 December 2011, 11:12
  3. I at least expect her to be willing to work with me on it instead of just having it all her own way. I expect her to be willing to talk to me about it as well. So many women go from Chatty Cathy out of bed to deadly silent in bed. I don’t know if what I am doing is pleasing to her or not, and she won’t talk about it, I am out of there. No more mediocre to lousy sex tolerated by me.
    John

    Posted by marriagecoach1 | 6 December 2011, 12:18
    • Hi, John – I’ve been waiting for you. It’s really kinda simple: You have to want to have good sex if “bad” sex isn’t your idea of fun. But, we cannot say that we want better sex and expect someone else to provide it while we don’t do anything on our side of the fence, can we? Yet, this is how some people behave, so totally ignorant in their self-righteousness where this is concerned. We want the best without having to do anything to get it because we have the “right” to have good sex without paying any attention to the fact that we have to give good sex at the same time.

      And people wonder why that shit is wack.

      Posted by kdaddy23 | 6 December 2011, 12:35
      • Well I agree with you that there are a lot of guys out there that make me ashamed to be
        a guy when it comes to sex, but writing a column on sex and marriage and relationships
        I pride myself on giving a woman the best sex that she has ever had in her life. Still
        there are a lot of women out there who still are really ambivalent over their sexuality.
        John

        Posted by marriagecoach1 | 6 December 2011, 15:47
  4. That’s a good point. You’re actually providing a way for someone to use their ego in a positive manner. I don’t think many people have thought of doing that. Why not make that person better and then pat yourself on the back? lol That is a way to solve the problem…let’s just hope that person doesn’t get too full of their ‘abilities’. You know?

    Honestly, I think it’s a two way street. I try to provide my supporter with thought provoking topics and questions and as much as I enjoy reading their answers, thoughts and responses…it’s such a better experience when you all toss questions back at me to ponder. I dig that!

    Posted by Up4Dsn | 6 December 2011, 14:36

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Everything You want to Know About BDSM, But Are Afraid To Ask

Larry Archer

Adult erotica from the dirty mind of Larry Archer.

Loving Without Boundaries

A Modern Girl’s Life Practicing Polyamory / Ethical Non-monogamy

Diary Incarnate

writing to air my mind out

Enigma.. peace in words

In touch with my thoughts, call it Mental Masturbation..™

BASIA ROSE

Erotic Romance

Hammer And The Hearth

Transforming overturned fence posts into signs of the Thunderer

Shamelessly Guiltless

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” ~Oscar Wilde

A Stormy Insight

Simple insights from a Blind Man riding down the stormy road of life!

rougedmount

I write when the choice is to die if I don't

astraltravler

An Out Of Body Experience

Paramour in Waiting

Reflective journey on bipolar disorder, love addiction, & other randomness

So I'm Dating This Bi Guy...

Inisghts, Advice, and the Truth from a Straight Girl

Fabulously Awkward Girl

Part of me is a woman on her way to world domination. The other part is a southern gal who hates wearing shoes. All of me loves to say "indubitably." ARKANSAS-WWU-NEW ZEALAND-NYC-BALI-INDIA-AND EVENTUALLY, DENVER...JUST LIVING THAT CLUMSY, WHITE-GIRL DREAM.

Three Months to Forty

welcome to my mid-life dating fiasco

My Gay Guy

There's nothing joyful about your husband being gay.

Shaking off Years of Dust

And Coming into the Sunbeams

Straight Dad Starting Over

Maybe next time I'll get it right...

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