Props to Up4 for yet another thought-provoking blog: http://up4dsn.wordpress.com/2011/12/03/wacksex/ or “What the Hell You Mean My Sex is Wack?!” Lots of responses to this one and if you’ve not seen it, stop by and give it a read. Ah, yeah, but, um, you know me – I had to escalate the whole issue like this:
“Doesn’t any of this depend on whose definition of wack is being used? Yup, this makes the whole thing even more interesting, doesn’t it? I’m a guy and I don’t pretend to understand how we look at this; there’s “as good as we want it to be” and then there’s the reality of the whole thing. We want it to be the bomb, have it all in our heads what constitutes this for us… but the reality is always different because it depends on how the other person is making us feel, right? It’s what they do to make us, as guys, bust that hellfied nut that curls our toes and makes our asshole clinch up, right? So, it begs the other question – at least for men: If you cracked your nuts open and it didn’t feel the way you expected it to feel, um, whose “fault” is it? And then, what did you expect anyway?
I’m hoping Totsy doesn’t see this; she’s gonna beat me for raising Cain again… damn!”
As I read the latest comments on this, my brain just automatically said, “Define wack.” Uh-oh… now we’re into that whole expectation thing, aren’t we? We know sex is supposed to be good and, preferably, it’s supposed to be good all the time and no matter who you have it with… which is pure, unadulterated bullshit – it’s a fantasy, an illusion, or even an unreasonable goal – but we all chase this one, don’t we? For those of us who have been around the block so many times they named it after us, you know that, eh, sometimes, tapping that tuna just doesn’t hit the spot at times, right fellas? And for the ladies, well, to them, most of us are barely competent and are lucky we can put it in the right hole.
Someone asked me if I’d ever had any bad sex and I asked them to define what good sex was in their opinion. It was a spirited debate, lots of good back and forth about what’s good and what isn’t until I realized something: This is all stuff that’s in my head about sex and, oops, there seems to be a second opinion waving for attention – so I acknowledged it and listened to what it had to say… and I sometimes wish I hadn’t.
“Good sex” is, for all intents and purposes, whatever I say it is… and whatever the person I’m having it with says, too, and, oh, damn, um, we might be of differing opinions about this one. Ha, nothing makes a guy feel so small than to have what he says is mind-blowing sex with a woman, only to have her look at him, shrug, and say, “It was aight…” Takes the wind right out of your sails, huh? But, ladies, this is the same thing that’ll make us say, “Well, I got my rocks off…” Say “it was aight” to a woman who was seeing stars afterward and unless she knew you were joking – and you should never joke with a woman about this right after sex with her – you can bet your ass that you won’t be seeing that pussy again and if you’re married to her, it won’t be any time soon, you ungrateful motherfucker…
There’s the generally accepted “version” of what good sex is – then there’s reality. We spend so much time hunting for that good sex that we kinda forget that anything that makes us have an orgasm is considered to be good unless, of course, you and orgasms are strangers to each other.
So, um, if you bone a willing vict – uh, partner, what exactly are you expecting to happen when the clothes come off? And, to this blogger, the key word here is “expecting,” which is also a word I believe gives us problems. So, if you had sex with girlfriend, what made it wack? Did you not get off? She say or do something that took you out of the mood? Didn’t do something? What? Why was something you were hoping to make you do that asshole-clinching thing turn out to be anything but that?
Men and women talk beaucoup shit about their prowess – just part of the game (Hi, Mystery!) and, of course, there’s talking the talk and then being able to walk the walk. Good sex is about meeting and/or exceeding expectations… so I’m thinking that if one’s expectations weren’t met for some reason, that shit was wack, huh? But, ahem, since I don’t think y’all heard me I’m gonna ask it again: What were you expecting? Better yet, why were you expecting anything other than having sex to begin with, hmm?
I don’t rightfully remember at what point in my life I stopped having expectations when it came to sex or, to be more accurate, counting on them to happen as advertised. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve felt my butt-hole clinch up and my toes curled so much I’ve gotten cramps in both feet so, shit, it’s all good, especially when you go to sit up and realize that lying back down is a good thing – it makes the room stop spinning. In my mind, I “simplified” it; if I’m having sex, it’s already good… because having sex at all is good (with some exceptions). Anything after that is gravy and is there really such a thing as too much gravy? No? Didn’t think so…
Women expect us to deliver as promise – which is why one shouldn’t go and talk some shit they can’t back up – because it will be used against you like you wouldn’t believe and, yes, that goes for being married, too. Yet, we do have to convince women that, yes, baby girl, I can rock your world big time – it’s part of the game (Hi, Mystery!) and if she feels that, yes, he just might be able to, dude, you’d better bring it like she’s never been fucked before in her life.
Now, from a purely male point of view, what, exactly, are we expecting the woman to do, I mean, other than that polishing the knob thing? Sex is interactive and reactive and this should be easy to figure out because it’s about how we make each other feel from beginning to end. So, when I hear some dude say, “You know so-and-so? She can’t fuck worth shit!” And I’m betting he said that because his expectations of being in bed with her weren’t met in some way – he expected either something to happen or to be made to feel a certain way, it didn’t happen, that shit was wack!
I had a woman tell me that women can’t fuck, unless they strap something on and use it on a guy – but they can be fucked and it’s how well they take to being fucked that makes a lot of difference, something I hadn’t thought of in quite that way – it was novel, to say the least. So, if you wind up in bed with a lioness, whew, okay; wind up with an ewe, well, what exactly is wrong with that? I mean, you are having sex, aren’t you and just because she’s not reacting like a porn star doesn’t make her shit bad, does it? And, yes, ladies, substitute “lion” and “lamb” for that stud you’re getting busy with…
Okay, so if you’re giving her the high hard one and she’s lying there filing her nails or staring off into space with that “I wish he’d hurry the fuck up” look on her face – and as someone pointed out – that’s when the finger-pointing starts; he says it’s her fault the sex was wack and she’s convinced that his shit has always been wack and he’s now showing his true colors.
What did you expect? Now, if you know stuff about sex, then you know how easy it is to get screwed up – all it takes is a single thought to make what was a good sexual experience the worst one you’ve ever had. It’s the thing that makes us point fingers at each other and talk about the lack of consistency in bringing the noise – ha, did you forget that’s a woman you’re trying to make happy in this? I guess we behave as if nothing is supposed to diminish the sex we have with each other, even though we are also aware that there a lot of things that’ll make the sex less than expected and, again, the key word here is “expected.”
Yup, there’s that whole “action speaks louder than words” thing – and then there’s reality, huh? Are we really that naive in that someone tells us they’re gonna rock our world – and we expect them to do it… and then, if they don’t, that shit was wack? If we’re about to kick holes in the walls with someone then find out, in that moment, there’s something they won’t or can’t do – and they never mentioned it before the fact – is the sex still wack?
Or are your expectations making it so? If a woman’s doing the “dead body” thing on you – and that’s because she probably didn’t want to have sex to begin with – because she’s failed to meet your expectations sex with her it’s is no good? Her shit is wack? We do expect the person we’re having sex with – or trying to have sex with – to be a willing participant in this so, yeah, even this could be seen as being a less-than-ideal situation – doesn’t make her wack.
Women put incredible pressure on men to perform and we don’t help our situation out any by swearing to God we’re gonna fuck them all night long – and after the first nut, we’re snoring like we ate too much turkey when she was expecting us to fuck like we had insomnia and OD’d on Viagra. A couple of mistakes here, one being running one’s mouth and the other, um, expectations: If you promise it, you’d better deliver it and if you don’t – that shit was wack, huh?
I think that at some point, we get this idea in our heads about what good sex is – call it a model and that’s pretty much what it is, a construct of our own design based on experiences and that bullshit we get stuffed into our heads that says when a man and a woman – or any other combination that works for ya – gets together for sex, call a contractor because you’re gonna need some serious remodeling done – and keep your bedding provider on speed dial.
I know what it means to me to have good sex – beginning with being able to have sex at all so it’s already a plus whether she’s a lioness or an ewe if and when she gets warmed up. If I’ve done my due diligence, the two of us have already had this “what do you expect from me” conversation, either the short “one night stand” version or the “we’re gonna be with each other for a few” version because if I know what she expects, then I’ll know if I can deliver or not. She asks me what I expect and I’ve gotten into the habit of saying, “The only thing I really expect is that you’ll want to have sex with me…” Then I gotta make sure that she’ll want to.
And shouldn’t this be the only real expectation? If a man or a woman doesn’t perform up to some standard or expectation, does that make the sex wack? Or does that really mean that the two people involved need to get their heads out of their collective asses and work together so that they can never say that about each other? For instance, I know a woman whose expectations of her man are so high that I’m not all that surprised when she tells me that he said she makes him feel inferior. Shit, even I don’t think I could have sex with her and provide any satisfaction!
She asked me about this and after several hours of burning up Yahoo’s messenger, I proposed two things to her even though I’d not heard his side of the story. One: Did it ever occur to you that despite what he’s said, he may be unable to perform at that level for some reason? Two: If you know where he falls short, did it ever occur to you to lower your expectations so that he has a better chance of meeting them?
To the first, she said that she knows he has shortcomings but, in the same sentence, asked me why she should lower her expectations if he can’t meet them? I took that as a “no” to the second part… so it’s no wonder to me that they think each other is plenty wack when it comes to this.
Here’s the other thing about that shit being wack: We rely on the other person to take care of our satisfaction in toto and, thus, take no responsibility for our own satisfaction. Think about that one for a moment before you tell me this isn’t true – and while you’re thinking, I’m gonna go get something to drink (it’s now 20:31 EST).
Okay, it’s now 20:35 EST and if you’ve decided I’m full of shit on this one, it’s probably because you accepted the responsibility when you selected the person who’s convinced you that they can, in fact, meet and/or exceed your expectations – and that’s where you stop and make the other person fully responsible for this. We tend to forget that good sex doesn’t just happen – we have to make it happen and that takes work, doesn’t it? It takes, at the least, meaningful communication about such things because people do change their minds about this from time to time and there are external things that play into this. Nah, we just expect the sex to be good the first time and every time after that, even though some of us have learned the fallacy in thinking like that.
Here’s the other thing that’ll bake your noodle: If it is wack, um, what are y’all doing to “unwack” it? I know people who have broken up because of wack sex and, yeah, the fingers are pointing all over the place and the one-who-is-wack is getting put on blast all over Twitter and Facebook.
Oh, yeah, there’s that whole “I ain’t gonna do” thing going on with this as well. The bottom line is that if you’re not going to invest yourself in the whole process of pleasing and being pleased, well, I guess that shit’s gonna keep right on being wack, huh? If you’re not always gonna give your best, chances are neither is the other person. And here’s one last thing to think about, if you care to: If you’re screwing someone and they’re not just making you feel the way you want to feel, before you blame them, take a close look at yourself first because it’s a given that we can be our own worst enemies when it comes to sexual satisfaction, like expecting them to do something they can’t or won’t do.
Okay, Up – take it up from here, my brother…