Here’s an MSN article I can sink my teeth into: http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/love-sex/is-monogamy-outdated?ocid=todlf11 – and I’ll kinda begin this blog with the end of the article, which says (in part), “The problem is, times have changed and monogamy hasn’t caught up yet. The world has become smaller and everything (and everyone) is more easily accessible. We just have more opportunities to stray these days….”
Certainly, times have changed since it was decided for us that monogamy was the way to go; people have changed and, thanks to our new dependence on electronics and the Internet, there are more people “available” and, yep, the world is made much smaller.
We see resistance to societal norms, not only here at home but worldwide where people are realizing that the old ways ain’t exactly working well in this new world. The concept of monogamy is, as you’ve heard me say, ancient and so old that scientists can’t really agree on when humans got into this behavior although there is data that says that monogamy really got a full head of steam at the beginning of the Industrial Age of man – the 16th century.
As I’ve quantified before, monogamy does work for some folks while, for others, well, not so much. You can read here on the blogosphere where a lot of people blog about cheating and how utterly horrible this is and fingers gets pointed all over the place as to who carries the most blame in this… and really blaming the wrong people; don’t hate the players, hate the creators of the game.
We practice social, marital, and sexual monogamy and while history bears out the necessity of this behavior, say, in the 16th century, do those conditions exist today? Is monogamy a necessity given what it takes to survive today?
A lot of people think is it; even the people who try it and consistently fail at it thinks that it is… and maybe that’s because we’ve been going at this for so long, we don’t know of any other way to be; you’re either single or in a monogamous relationship and, don’t forget, marriage isn’t the only monogamous state two people could find themselves in.
It’s an ingrained, learned behavior; I feel safe saying that since somewhere around five hundred years of this practice also bears this out. Religions mandate it; it’s the glue of the social contract we all have with the societies we live in so being monogamous appears to be the only way people can live with each other… when, clearly, it isn’t – it’s just the “preferred” way.
When you enter into a relationship with someone and one of the things eating away at the back of your mind is whether or not your partner is going to cheat on you, well, that should tell you something. I’ve participated on so many discussions about cheating that I lost track of them – and saying “a lot” is mild. We try to discourage cheating by reinforcing the tenets of monogamy and, well, that really doesn’t work as well as it’s purported to work; otherwise, folks like John would be out of a job trying to reign folks back into monogamy’s yoke.
In a way, that’s like trying to put out a fire by throwing gasoline on it, a situation that usually winds up with people and/or things getting very badly burned and damaged beyond salvage. Yet, this is the way we’re taught to behave and one of the other things we do when the house that is monogamy is on fire is to stand by and watch it burn because there’s no sense in trying to save it; easier to let it burn to the ground and start all over again.
Hope y’all brought some marshmallows…
At some point, the fact that monogamy needs to be totally overhauled (if not completely scrapped and rebuilt from scratch) is going to become more of an issue, if it hasn’t already, if the prosecution of those who practice polygamy and polygyny is any indication and, yeah, there’s a lot more of this going on that hasn’t gotten the media’s attention.
Eric Anderson, author of the book mentioned in the article, suggests that, “…monogamy is an irrational ideal because it fails to fulfil a lifetime of sexual desires. Cheating therefore becomes the rational response to an irrational situation.” I’d take it a step further and say that it also fails to fulfill a lifetime of emotional desires as well because not all cheating has something to do with sex.
Apparently, I’m not the only one who feels that monogamy needs to get with the times. However, even if this were to happen – and I think it’s very damned unlikely to – well, the hardest part is getting people to buy into it. I mean, we’re raised to be monogamous so imagine the reaction if we were now taught that we didn’t have to be? Alas, the God-fearing moral majority will do all that’s within its powers to keep monogamy unchanged… even when the dynamic is changing all around them.
Serenityluv says it’s being greedy and having one’s cake and eating it, too; I think it was Enigma, in one of her latest blogs, that asked the question about sexual equality between men and women (among other things); I’ve read where Mystery, in her latest rant, says she doesn’t date ’cause she has no use for it and probably because being in a relationship, for her, is more trouble than it’s worth; I guess the thought here is that it’s easier to be single, although reading her rant kinda suggests that, hmm, no, not so much as one might think.
There are tons of blogs and other writings trying to figure out what’s the best way for men and women to get along with each other and in ways that everyone’s needs are being met and, frankly, monogamy doesn’t seem qualified to handle this 21st century necessity because the gist of the whole thing is that people are kinda sick and tired of being all by themselves… but for them, monogamy causes more problems than it eliminates. Monogamy doesn’t bring out the best in us; indeed, doesn’t it bring out the worst? Think about that one for a moment.
I’m gonna try to get my hands on a copy of the book mentioned in the article…
Related articles
- The myths of monogamy (oup.com)
Kdaddy23's Blog 
marriagecoach1
19 March 2012 at 10:10
Hey Rob
You know of course I am going to disagree with you. Solomon said in Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under the sun. We were practicing free sex well before Christ. It involved orgy sex in worship of the false gods Baal and Ashtoreth. It was practiced in the groves where there was shade. You and the wife could go do it in front of a whole lot of other people doing it, or you could separate and do it with someone else. If you did not have a mate they had temple prostitutes both male and female to help you worship for a price of course.
We also had multiple wives and concubines. Concubines were like second class wives who did not get to say no to sex and had to provide it when the primary wife refused her husband. Concubines were captured young widows of slain enemy soldiers.
This all changed in Proverbs 31 in the model of the Proverbs 31 woman where the primary wife now had to provide all the sex that her husband wanted in exchange for monogamy. This was a better way because kids need both a father and a mother full time. With the multiple wives and concubines, fathers did not have the time to spend with their kids.
So if you want to practice free sex, then it is imperative to either be single or have the permission of the woman that you are involved with. Cheating without permission is always a no no and a violation of trust and without trust you don’t have a relationship.
John
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kdaddy23
19 March 2012 at 10:44
Of course you disagree; I would have been shocked if you did agree. But this isn’t just about sexual or marital monogamy – this is also about social monogamy as well. The entire construct is outdated and falling apart at the seams. We account for this by saying it’s a decline in our moral structure or, as some folks say, we need to have God in our lives when, in fact, learned individuals are starting to admit that it’s monogamy’s failure to change as people have changed that is responsible.
Your comment indicates that you do agree that before monogamy was put in place, polygamy and polygyny was the uniform of the day, not because it allowed for more chances at procreation but also because there was safety in numbers and many hands makes for short work and all that. Then, as you say, Proverbs 31 changed all of that and, in the opinion of some, not in a good way because, again, it has consistently failed to change as people change.
People need more these days and monogamy cannot accommodate these needs; it doesn’t allow for them and, for some folks, it keeps pushing them in a direction that just ain’t working for them. You wind up seeing negotiated infidelity and outright cheating – even when the relationship is, in fact, a good one and not one that’s fraught with the usual dumb shit.
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marriagecoach1
19 March 2012 at 10:50
We have to agree to disagree. I totally believe in monogamy as the best solution for society. Others need to find their own way instead of trying to destroy monogamy because it does not work for them.
John
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kdaddy23
19 March 2012 at 12:39
We usually agree to disagree despite the evidence that says otherwise so, again, no surprises. Yet, you rail against dysfunctional relationships and families, both of which can be caused by monogamous relationships and the inability for monogamy to provide for all of a couple’s needs and regardless of what those needs are.
You can visit the blogs of quite a few people here on WordPress and see the evidence that monogamy needs an overhaul; it needs to be dragged out of the stone age and into the here and now. A lot of blogs here are written by people who, like most of us, believe in the tenets of monogamy… and they are so unhappy it ain’t funny and they don’t understand why they’re unhappy. Better still, they keep seeking happiness in a relationship state that hasn’t (and doesn’t) worked for them. It’s patently ridiculous for such people to keep beating their heads against the wall when there are other ways to have that relationship and be happy without having to worry about the restrictions and total lack of recourse monogamy offers.
Well, there is something it does offer: Be by yourself and wallow in the emptiness of being lonely and unloved.
And does it make sense? You say it does… which doesn’t change the fact that monogamy is now being put under review and it just ain’t me questioning whether or not monogamy makes sense and lends itself to more problems than it does solutions.
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marriagecoach1
19 March 2012 at 13:17
Hey Rob
It is not the fault of monogamy but people’s not understanding how to have it. Sadly we don’t have any schools to teach how to be married, traditional marriage counseling is an utter farce. We also don’t teach people how to have good conflict resolution skills. We have the highest divorce rate on the planet. In part because churches teach that sex is bad, dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it. They never teach the sex positive messages from the bible. The other part is we don’t teach couples good conflict resolution skills.
That is why I do what I do, to try and make a difference. Monogamy is not the problem, people are the problem and our society is the problem.
John
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kdaddy23
19 March 2012 at 14:19
Resting my case, Your Honor, ’cause I don’t have to point out where monogamy fails – you did it for me, thank you very much. Sure, folks will want to hold on to this concept for dear life because it’s the only way they know how to have a relationship and, as you know, I ain’t saying that it doesn’t work for some people… but that doesn’t mean that it makes sense in 2012 or this century as a whole.
When people in a relationship need more, monogamy doesn’t allow them to have it – plain and simple. Accept it as-is or be single and lonely, which sucks just as much as being in a relationship and miserable because monogamy promotes selfish behaviors, that whole “what about me?” and “you don’t need anyone else but me” shit you can, again, read on blogs right here on WordPress. It’s why Serenityluv calls it being greedy… because monogamy can and does make a great many people very needy in that sense and, again and again, with needs that one person cannot (or flat out won’t) do anything about.
Does it make sense? Again, it ain’t just me calling this into question – I’m just the one who has the audacity to call monogamy out on the carpet here in the blogosphere. Sure, in a lot of situations, conflict resolution is key but, really, you’re just resolving to continue being monogamous and especially if monogamy is what’s causing your problems in the relationship, like, um, needs aren’t being met or even addressed. You’re resolving to remain stuck in that centuries-old box and continuing to sacrifice yourself, your happiness, and even your sanity. Then, oops, now you’re single… and then you start the cycle all over again.
Or, as I originally said, you go into hermit-mode like MC was riffing about and decide that being single is easier than being in a monogamous relationship and then having to deal with all the emotional pressures and stresses being single can bring to the table… and leaving you wondering just what the fuck is going on that’s making you so horribly miserable.
Does it make sense? Granted, no one is really taught on how to have a relationship… but the only thing that is “taught” and mandated is being monogamous, huh? It’s not the only way to have a relationship; people are beginning to see this and, stupidly, I think, are expecting monogamy to do more toward this end – and it can’t… which is why people are saying it needs to be updated, revised, overhauled, whatever.
Monogamy says that if there’s something that makes you happy that doesn’t conform to the strictures of monogamy, YOU CAN’T HAVE IT; YOU WON’T GET IT. And you’re expected and required to accept this and remain unhappy – or go be single… and still be unhappy.
Does it make sense? I keep asking this question and no one is willing to say that it does or doesn’t; all anyone does is try to reinforce that, making sense or not, monogamy is the only way to have a relationship and prosper.
And that, my friend, is pure, unadulterated bullshit.
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marriagecoach1
19 March 2012 at 14:35
Hey Rob
“happily ever after” is actually really ridiculously simple. Never say no to your partner unless it is illegal, immoral or humiliating and/or abusive. No is such an ugly word. It implies that my wants, needs and desires supercedes yours and are more important than yours and frankly I can’t be bothered giving you what you want. If two people would simply follow my very simple formula then monogamy is not only a snap but a very fulfilling one at that. Selfishness and self centered-ness is always a recipe for failure. Again, it is not monogamy’s fault but selfish people’s fault and the Bible forbids selfishness on our part, it also suggests that we are supposed to have a great sex life. Blow jobs are not forbidden to hetero couples nor is anal sex forbidden to hetero couples nor is masturbation forbidden to men or to women. Just saying
John
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kdaddy23
20 March 2012 at 11:43
Ah, but who’s idea of “happily ever after” is being used here? Your version ain’t the only one that’s doable…
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marriagecoach1
20 March 2012 at 11:46
Not suggesting that mine is the only way but it is a good way. I am all for a couple finding their own way but that means taking care of each other.
John
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kdaddy23
25 March 2012 at 17:52
Hey, go read this and tell me – and everyone – what you think about it: http://blog.oup.com/2012/03/myth-monogamy-cheating/. Taking care of each other… I’m all for that – but maybe… finally… things are going to change where the ancient concept of monogamy stops being the only way we can do this successfully.
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marriagecoach1
26 March 2012 at 18:18
Well I read the blog post. He basically says that you should be able to screw anyone at any time regardless of the consequences. COMPLETELY SELF CENTERED. That is his right and it is his right to write about it. If we actually adopted his lack of morality, we would be in an even way more screwed up society. Doing it his way would result in a lot more kids in single parent homes and the stats of this are staggering. Doing it his way means that we are nothing more than animals where the guy goes around sniffiing pussy to see if she is willing to fuck, fucking her and moving on. I did that in my twneties. I could not stand myself after a while. I even had a panty collection. If a woman had sex with me, I kept her panties as kind of a trophy. One day I was looking at a pile of panties in my closet and realized that I could not even remember the girl’s name attached to those panties and for the most part could not even remember the girl attached to those panties. I grew up and stopped.
We need to teach people how to have great sex without all those childish inhibitions, get the churches to teach the sex positive messages from the bible.
John
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