Being Bi, Part 1
I want to start my first contribution to the group blog by saying I consider it an honor to be able to address the membership of our group in such a manner. For those of you who might be familiar, I’m the one who does a lot of the posting on the boards as well as the author of the stories I hope you’ve been enjoying. With that out of the way, let’s talk for a moment about being a bi guy and what it means being in the lifestyle.
We’re all very much aware of the stigma of being bi and in the life; it’s an ugly kind of thing and one I’ve always felt to be inconsistent with the reason why we all join sites like this.
Part of the stigma of being bi is the misconception that all bi men have anal sex. Another is that we’re really not bisexual – we’re gay but are in denial about it. One more is that because we can go both ways, we spend a great deal of time chasing skirts and dicks and jumping into the sack with anyone who asks.
One truth is that not all of us engage in anal sex; indeed, some of us don’t even engage in oral sex. In either case, some of us prefer to only give, some prefer to only receive and some of us don’t care one way or the other as long as we’re doing it.
There are those among us who are, by definition, in denial. We had a rather rousing debate on the message boards some time ago about this and it just amazed me how many guys said they do enjoy some sex with a man… but they’re not bisexual. Some of the arguments were mostly based on not wanting to be labeled and I can understand that – but we need labels to understand the world we live in.
Guys, it’s okay to think of yourself as being bi. Being bi doesn’t mean that you are any less of a man. If you like the idea of a guy sucking your cock, you’re considered to be bi even if you don’t go out of your way to do this. If it happens and you like it and you’d do it again, there you go. And, yes, it is really easy to convince yourself that despite what happened, there’s no way that you’re bi. I’ve heard guys place the blame on being in the heat of the moment, going with the flow of things, being drunk or stoned and, my favorites, “It was good but not something I’d do all the time” or “I might do it again with the right person.”
Fellas, really… You’re only fooling yourself when you say things like this!
So, unlike our straight counterparts, we have the ability and the desire to experience sex in more than just one way and instead of being praised for it, we’re often shunned, not as much like total outcasts, but as people to be avoided if at all possible.
And it doesn’t make any sense. Outside of the lifestyle, if anyone knows we’re bisexuals, it’s no big deal for the most part. The boundaries between us and our straight and vanilla friends are in place and it’s a given that the line should never be crossed unless invited to do so – and sometimes, we are and delightfully so.
However, being in the life, it’s not as simple as that. One would think that being able and capable of providing pleasure to both males and females, it would be a desirable quality, especially to those fellows who are rather curious about the whole thing. Yet, this isn’t the case at all. More often than not, if a hookup is made, the other guy will have a change of heart and instead of looking forward to that little extra thrill us bi guys love, we’re having sex in the straight way.
Which, of course, is a part of being bisexual; for those guys (or gals) reading this, here’s my take on the whole thing.
If you look in the dictionary, you’ll easily find the definition of the word bisexual. It’s rather short – but it says a whole lot. People will often debate what being bisexual means; some say it’s what you do, some say it’s the way you feel – I say it’s both, beginning with it being a state of mind.
Maybe you grew up liking girls but, for some reason, you felt like there was something missing… but couldn’t quite put your finger on it. Perhaps, like a lot of us, there was a moment in your life where you were exposed to it, maybe by a friend. It was a heady moment, even a scary one because you’ve been taught that boys just don’t have sex with boys – but you did a little something anyway.
Maybe it was a touch or, just maybe, some experimenting beyond that and it was all cool and everything but as you grew up, things just kinda went away and you were back to just having sex with girls but still having that feeling that something was missing.
On the other side of the coin, perhaps you went through a large part of your life being straight… but there in the back of your mind, the thought of sex with a man was planted and as it grew, so did your curiosity until one day, it happened for you and everything just seemed to be right after that.
Some bisexuals feel attraction or even love toward men; some just like the idea of having sex with a guy – despite changing attitudes, it’s still a naughty thing to do.
If you are one of the many bi guys who just like the sex, then it’s not part of the state of mind thing – it’s purely about what you do.
And, while speaking about the mind, let me point out something that should be obvious to everyone: Your body doesn’t care who’s pleasing it – only your mind does. A blowjob is a blowjob regardless of who’s giving it and, to be blunt, fucking a man in the ass is no different from fucking a woman in the ass. Well, wait a minute; there are differences but they’re mostly subliminal – girls give off a different vibe than guys do, so I should correctly say that the physical acts are no different.
Just the same, the thing that makes men shy away from it – or deny that they like doing it – is the perception that by admitting it, it somehow makes them different from everyone else and that difference is somehow a bad thing.
I say to you that it isn’t. Once you accept this about yourself, the hard part is over… until you have to let your wife or SO know. This is a very scary thing for a lot of guys and, yeah, it has the potential to just trash everything you’ve ever worked for up to that point. So, a lot of us just won’t say anything about it and even do things on the DL.
I understand this. There are some women who feel that their man having sex with another man is an outright rejection of their affections – and it isn’t. It’s simply a matter of it being something that no woman can do for you since she doesn’t have the right equipment, strap-ons and dildos notwithstanding.
In other areas, if your co-workers found out about your sexuality, well, it could make for a tough working relationship with them. I know when some of my co-workers discovered I was bi, they weren’t openly appalled or disgusted; if anything, they were surprised right out of their socks, telling me that I didn’t look like the type – whatever the type happens to look like. In forty-four years of being bi, I have never figured out what “the type” looks like but, apparently, it doesn’t look like me.
But that’s life outside of the lifestyle. Within the lifestyle, some of us will come right out and tell a group of total strangers what their real sexual preference is, something they wouldn’t even tell their closest friends – isn’t that remarkable?
A great many of us continue to hide the fact that we’re bi because, in the life, being a bi guy just ain’t cool. Again, on the message boards, the debate on bisexuality in men went to this particular thing in what I would call great detail. The consensus was that even though they were bi, they would list as being straight so that other couples would give them a look and perhaps play with them.
The funny thing about that part of the debate was that doing this is considered to be a lie albeit a small one. A lot of very terse words were volleyed back and forth on the boards and as I sat back and followed the thread, all I could do was shake my head sadly over the matter.
If you saw the thread, there were a lot of straight guys who said they didn’t have issues with a guy being bi… as long as such things didn’t involve them. Other men who responded heatedly said that they had never done it and never would. The more interesting responses came from women, who rightfully pointed out that it’s okay for a woman to be bi – so why isn’t it okay for a guy to be?
The “bi but hiding” guys, in my opinion only, didn’t make matters any better by defending their sexuality – but supporting the lie at the same time. Indeed, a lot of those guys even went as far to say that even though they were bi, they didn’t need to have sex like that.
That little tidbit had me doing a double take and saying, “What the fuck?” so loudly that my woman came out to find out what was wrong with me. I get that you might not be able to always have sex in the bi way… but to say you don’t need to? I wasn’t aware that having the desire to have sex with a guy came with an off/on switch. I don’t know about a lot of you guys, but even when I’m having straight sex, I want to suck cock. In other words, just because I can’t doesn’t mean I don’t want to… but that’s me.
Such is the nature of the lifestyle though and it’s my personal opinion that this is a very stupid way for supposed open-minded, sexually liberated people to behave. We, as swingers, look to engage in all forms of sex with as many different people as we can; yet, at the same time, we seem to lack the initiative to explore the possibilities simply because we can and, using a phrase I just can’t stand, it’s just sex.
In the lifestyle, it’s always about preferences and more emphasis is placed on satisfying one’s preferences than satisfying the need to have sex. In our profiles, we use phrases like fun-loving, wild and being down for anything and the sad truth is that we aren’t, especially when it comes to the bisexual male. Even as bisexuals, we’re often guilty of the same behavior, willing to set aside our desires for sex with a man just for the sake of having sex – and to not bruise anyone’s sensibilities. Keep in mind that these same people we’re giving up our sexuality for are the same ones who don’t have good opinions about us. In a way, we’re just rolling over and giving in to the other couple’s way of doing things – then we tell ourselves that it was no big deal that they pretty much told us, “Either do it our way or get lost!”
Swinging is supposed to be about what everyone wants and, like so many other things, this just isn’t the case at all. A bi couple having sex with a straight couple, to me, is getting the short end of the stick because the straight couple is getting everything they need while the bi couple is getting less than what they need.
We get overly concerned about our acceptance in the website community more than being able to satisfy the hunger that lives in each of us. I think that in a lot of cases – and this is just my opinion only, our fears tend to make us foolish in that we come to places like this to expand our sexual horizons – then do everything we can to keep it from happening.
And none of it makes sense to me – and it shouldn’t to you, either. As some of you might know, I am openly and proudly bisexual and take the stance that if you don’t like it, that’s your problem, not mine. Every chance I get, I’ll stand up and defend our right to be in the lifestyle and will even defend the guys who deny that they are; I will even applaud the guys who, like me, will give voice to their sexuality even though the ways they partake might be different from my own.
As I finish this writing, I know and understand that there will be a lot of guys who’ll read this and disagree with the things I’ve said – and that’s okay. At the end of the day, it all comes down to what you think and what works for you. All I ask is to thine own self be true…