Another One of Those Moments

04 Jun

Right about now, I’m feeling kinda lost.  Matter of fact, I’m not sure exactly how I feel at this moment.  I’m not bored – well, not completely – and I do have things to do before my baby gets home; I’m not depressed or, actually, no more depressed than I’ve been since the stroke – but that’s manageable.  I’m horny – nothing new about that either so since I can’t put my finger on any one thing, I feel lost.  I was reading one of my blogs and, jeez, I love the way I write!  That might sound a little silly since in order for me to type it, I have to see what I’m doing and the thoughts are showing up just as fast as I can type them – which is pretty fast, by the way.  But when I go back and read something I’ve already written, wow, at times I just blow my own mind!  It’s just like when I go back and listen to a song I wrote; I catch myself saying, “Wow, did I do that?” even though I know I did.

I’m in one of those places right now that makes me feel, well, lost.  It’s like I have no direction or purpose right now; I just exist.  I’m really in touch with my emotions right now and that’s both a good and bad thing depending on which way the flow’s taking me.  I’m angry but not angry; happy but unhappy; I’m both a lot of things but none of them all at the same time.  I want to scream until my throat is sore… but I’m enjoying being quiet at the moment, too.

Normally, I do a lot of nothing all day – and that works for me and I have a lot of fun doing nothing, too.  I have all manner of things to keep myself occupied at any moment but then I get into one of these pensive, thoughtful, introspective moods.  I’ll snap out of it in a few – I always do – but while I’m stuck here, it makes me feel weird.  I don’t feel good… but I don’t feel bad, either.  In the time it’s taking me to type this, my mind is active and going over all kinds of stuff, like being hyped about getting our upcoming cruise paid off yesterday and the fun the experience will be.  I’ve gone over my entire life to this point in just the last few minutes, not really focusing on any one thing but seeing myself then and now.

And, when I get like this, I always wonder why because, in my self-examination, I never seem to find a reason for it.  There are times when I get reflective – but that’s usually when Linda and I are talking about something that’s personal to one or both of us – but then I know why I get like this and I often have a great deal of fun while I’m doing it,  probably more now than ever before.  When I had the stroke, I knew a part or parts of my brain were irreparably damaged and some aspects of my short and long term memory was affected, so when I can sit and remember things vividly and clearly, well, that’s a plus.

But I don’t understand the mood I’m in.  Nothing has happened to put me in this mood and I have no conscious reason for it.  I know that when your subconscious gets involved, it’s a case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing – or that there’s even a right hand at all.  The “bad” part is that you can’t seem to consciously access your subconscious – but it can mess with you at any time, any place, and for any reason.

I want to do everything… but I don’t want to do anything – how weird is that?  The thing that is aggravating is that I’m stuck in this – and I know it.  I know that I’ll get out at some point but I have no idea how I got here and for someone who’s as detail-oriented and as aware of myself as I tend to be, this really messes with me because I can’t even explain to myself how I got here or why I’m here.  It really makes me wonder just how well I do know myself and this mood suggests that perhaps I don’t know me as well as I thought I did.

I decided to write about this moment in the hope that something I’ll write will explain this.  What I suspect will happen is that I’ll go back and read this somewhere down the road – and go, “Oh, I was like that because…”  At that point, I’ll know exactly why I was here and how I got here but I guess you can figure that I’d rather know now than later, huh?

I’m one of those people who, at times, can feel totally alone and isolated even in a room full of people – then turn around and be the life of the party two eye blinks later.  I’m somewhere between introverted and extroverted, neither one or the other… but somehow always both and I can do it at the same time!  I can be having the time of my life… and my mind is off and running elsewhere, maybe in the distant past, maybe looking toward whatever future there is.

Sometimes, I just amaze myself – and maybe it’s because even as well as I think I know me, I’m really still learning about me.  I know that I’m what they call a deep person but it’s times like this when I find out just how deep I really am – the rabbit hole that’s me goes further than even I can imagine at times.

Time to vacuum the carpeting…

1 Comment

Posted by on 4 June 2010 in Life, Living and Loving



One response to “Another One of Those Moments

  1. Cinnamon

    5 June 2010 at 21:29

    “Wow, did I do that?”
    “Yes, Eurkle…you did. And very well I might add” LOL



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