I was reading a posting by another blogger and saw a related blob about monogamy being monotony. I think that anyone who has, willingly or otherwise, stepped out of their one-on-one relationship might say that it is, particularly if it’s matter of one not being enough. Yeah, I know, it’s the way things used to be and the way they’re supposed to be… but does it really make sense?
Personally, I think it sucks; it’s limiting in a great many ways. I don’t have all the facts and figures – I just know what I know and how I feel about it. We are taught to be intimate with a lot of people, mainly family, and that this is a good thing. However, as we mature – and those hormones kick in – we are taught that spreading yourself around is not a good thing and that the best thing to do is to find one person and stick with them no matter what. And, yes, some people can actually do this.
I learned otherwise only because I could see the fallacy – and even the hypocrisy in it. That might be the way the world goes round… but it’s not the way people work. It’s about love and, yeah, it’s about sex, too, but when you look at it deeply, limiting yourself to one love, one lover, is the most unnatural thing you can do. Safer, maybe – your results will definitely vary… but not what nature really intended. I find it difficult to be monogamous when, in my head, I never was – but I think it’s perfectly natural not to think like that. Once you learn the real truth about the birds and the bees, monogamy goes right out the window. Is it easier to be monogamous? In a lot of ways, it most certainly is and, depending on the person you’re with, being monogamous will keep you alive for a long time – literally.
Even the bible wants to make you monogamous; look at the Ten Commandments and they tell you not to commit adultery and prohibits coveting thy neighbor’s wife; even back then, someone knew that monogamy might be a problem; otherwise, why threaten to punish us and damn our eternal souls if we aren’t monogamous? Likewise – and if I remember correctly – aren’t there passages in the bible that talk about men having many wives – and that was cool? Even in some non-Christian religions, if you have many wives, you are the bomb and are doing the right thing.
This is not to say that you cannot find love and happiness with just one person – it can and has been done and is being done even as I write this. Monotony gets driven back or even away depending on how hard the two people work to keep it at bay because, yeah, it can get pretty boring rather quickly. What’s funny is that for some, keeping monotony at bay requires a shift from monogamy to polygamy and, really, it’s not as bad as people make it out to be. It’s only bad if you don’t do it right and, sadly, a great many people don’t.
I’ve said in a lot of my blogs that it’s a “we” or “us” thing and not so much a “me” thing. It’s only a “me” thing when you’re trying to decide if you can do this or not. As an individual – married or not – being polygamous is simple and, really, when you stop to think about it, you’ve always been like that, especially if you’ve had boyfriends/girlfriends before you finally settled down and yeah, some of us have had more than one relationship going at a time, too.
However, traditional marriage forces us into being monogamous; indeed, if you ain’t gonna be like that, there ain’t gonna be a marriage! So, there you are, standing before God and company, and promising to keep only unto yourselves until death do you part… except by doing that, you might cause the death of your relationship way before your body gives up the ghost.
It is such a terrible thing when you realize that no matter how much you love the person you’re with, it’s not enough. No real reflection on him/her – it’s just that you became aware of the fact that while you love and need what you do have, you need more. But, there’s a problem – you’re not supposed to have more – be happy with what you do have.
That’s just pure bullshit – it defies human nature. When my monogamous marriage broke down and became polygamous, I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen… until I learned that it was the best thing my wife and I could have ever done. It was all about love and sex and the longer we stayed the way we became, the more we came to understand it and ourselves, both as a couple and as individuals. It was very enlightening and liberating. Yeah, it had it’s good and bad moments but, to this end, it’s not about what happened – it’s how you deal with it and whether or not you both still have the big picture firmly in mind. It really is about the two of you no matter who else might be involved and the level of their involvement.
I learned this when we went from having an open marriage to a closed triad polyamorous thing. Man, talk about shifting paradigms and changing dynamics? Oh, you have no idea if you’ve never actually done it; reading about it just doesn’t do the whole thing any justice. But what you do learn is that monogamy sucks big time and that being able to love and interact with more than one person is the most natural thing in the world to do. You see that, yeah, it actually can have more problems than being monogamous… but there’s a difference I’m not sure I can explain.
It’s why people develop polyamorous relationships, have open marriages and even give swinging the good old college try. It’s not that you don’t love the one you’re with – in your mind, that’s a given… but you need more than what this one wonderful person can provide. And society is loathe to let you have it. Go against it and no matter if you’re successful or not, you have broken the covenant and about as wrong as it gets.
Was my mother wrong when she told me that my marriage was only going to be as good as we made it? As we found out, our marriage got better when we broke from tradition in this regard. Mom wasn’t happy when she found out but when I kinda reminded her of that little talk we had about marriage and us making the best of it, well, let’s just say I finally won an argument with my Mom…
Not being monogamous is a bad thing if you go about it stupidly and it’s my opinion that a lot of people do because, if they’re married or whatever, they go from thinking “us” to “me” – and that’s always a bad thing unless you’re trying not to be in the marriage at all. No matter how you care to break out of it, if you don’t have a carefully thought-out plan, you’re screwed before you even take the first step. Okay, it’s natural (I suppose) to think, “What’s in this for me?” but what you really have to think is “What’s in this for us and how can this make us better?” Logically, if you can make the two of you better, you become better as individuals by default, provided you did shit the right way and, by the way, “right” is whatever works for the two of you. I know there are “guides” to doing this and while some of them are okay, you ALWAYS have to do what’s right for both of you; my idea of right, while it might be helpful, may not be the way you want to do things.
Certainly, I’m no expert – but I do know what worked for me in this and what didn’t and I’m smart enough to be able to connect the dots even at a general level. Is breaking from tradition good for everyone? Oh, hell no! Can it be with the right person and others involved? Ah, the rewards are great and many… but it’s no walk in the park, either. Let’s put it this way: If you thought dealing with one personality is tough, trying doing it with multiple personalities involved. It’s like multi-tasking; some people do it way better than others and to the point where they make it look easy… and it isn’t. I can hold IM conversations with four different people at the same time and discuss different topics – and I’ve learned how to do it to the point where it looks so easy it ain’t funny. Is it hard for me to do? Hell yeah it is – but me being me, I make myself equal to the task at hand; yeah, I really am anal about such things.
Right now, I can’t think of anything else to say about this. You can read my other blogs and catch glimpses of this in them and, perhaps, you might find them interesting and, of course, you can always ask me to clarify something.