Sex and the Relationship

04 Jul

Sunday’s supposed to be a day of rest but my mind is restless despite a good night’s sleep.  I awakened this morning with “why” on my mind, wondering just what the hell happens to make sex in a relationship go south.  Is it boredom?  Familiarity?  That same old, same old?  What sort of metamorphosis is in play here that will take exciting sex in the beginning of a relationship and turn it into yesterday’s news?  That there are relationships that don’t have this problem is no surprise… but what is it that can take two couples and keep one couple a pair of sexual dynamos and turn the other couple into sexual sloths?

As I pondered this, I almost automatically ruled out ability – it’s a given the some do it better than others but it’s not really relevant because people tend to drift toward a person whose sexual appetites are about as even as those things get, although some do seek out people with more or less ability – but that makes sense.  Billions of neurons are firing and shake out a tidbit to chew on:  Maybe it’s desire… and maybe you’re right.  What happened?  When you first got together, the desire was there in spades and you couldn’t stop having sex with each other in any way you could do it; a year later, you’re lucky to be doing it once a month.  Yes, I think that desire plays a role in this… but what in the name of God can happen to a person that’ll override one of the most basic of the primal urges.

More neurons do their thing… and come up with two different types of sexual saltpeter:  Environment and emotions.  Scientifically, we know that the two things can work for and against each other and as I take another sip of coffee, I set more brain power to the task of sorting it all out.  Well, I know that any sort of negative environmental stress will act like a kick in the balls; the pressure piles up on you, often evoking some degree of depression as it literally crushes your spirit – it’s the giant weight you feel pressing down upon you.  It’s that thing that just makes you go through the motions and only doing the things that have to be done – maybe.  We know getting laid ain’t one of them.

I’m thinking that when both people in a couple are feeling this way, the absence of sex, while noticed, is just accepted; there’s just too much shit going on to make doing the nasty worth the time it takes or the effort involved.  The weight’s crushing both people and other things go by the wayside as each person struggles to get from under the weight, and sometimes to the point where they’re not even aware that their partner is under the same pressure as they are.  However, someone got weighed down first, jettisoned sex, and the other sure as hell noticed it.

It’s a given that it is a royal bitch to want to have sex and the person you can have sex with would rather eat broken glass than to give up their body to you.  It winds up creating a pressure differential – Nature does, after all, abhor vacuums and will always seek to equalize things, often with disastrous results.  Eventually, equalization takes place and you’re now looking at either a broken relationship or two people now feeling the pressure for two different – but relevant – reasons.

We all have “things” to do – no way of getting around them, either, and it’s easy to see that even in the absence of any emotional or environmental problems, things get in the way of having sex.  Humans function best when things can be done in an orderly fashion and prioritizing is a way to get all your ducks in a row.  You tell yourself that these are the things that have to be done and this is the order they should be done in; some of those things are permanently locked in their assigned slot and should be, things like working, paying rent and other bills, food, etc.  Often, this is a shared list of things to do as a couple, that list of prioritized things you do together even though they’re actually done separately.  Next on the list are the things of individual concern, things like hobbies and other activities that may or may not include your spouse or partner – these are kinda optional depending on what they are specifically.

Where on this list is getting laid?  I know that even for myself, this important item will get shuffled so far down on the list that it’ll make me wonder if I even thought of it at all.  Of course, getting laid is greatly dependent upon the person you wanna lay; if you have it “scheduled” on your list of things to do, ah, you’re hoping that they do as well and that it’s up there on their list as it is yours; otherwise, guess what’s not gonna happen?  Once the two ships pass each other in the night too many times, you know there’s a problem and, if you’re smart – and you’re with the right person, you’ll be able to bring this up and discuss it without someone saying, “Is that all you ever think about?”

In a perfect world, one or the other brings it up because it is a vital piece of the puzzle that’s missing even though we bullshit ourselves and tell each other that sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship.  Um, well, yeah, it is – but the smart people know better than to come right out and admit that because women in particular despise being sex objects because, yes, they are truly a lot more than someone to fuck.  But to say it’s not important in a relationship?  It’s one of the biggest lies couples tell each other.

The problem gets identified and maybe it’s just one of those things where there are too many other things taking precedence over getting laid.  It makes sense for the couple to then make the correction and put getting laid higher up on the list… and I think this is a mistake we all make because how do you schedule something like this?  I’ve even heard of people breaking out a calendar and marking the dates sex will take place!  All it takes is for one occurrence of “I don’t feel like it tonight” to happen and the schedule gets tossed out the window – again.  Then, when the mistake is uncovered, you’re now trying to play catch-up… and that really never works.  Oh, it can be fun and might even harken back to the early days of your relationship when the two of you knew more about fucking each other than each other’s favorite food or color.  But it’ll eventually run up against those other things and, oops, now we’re really out of sorts.

Some couples really do get bored with each other sexually, although it really surprises me that this can happen at all; but I think “bored” is the wrong word.  There are only so many ways two people can make and keep sex exciting between them – and that’s provided that’s what the two of them want to do.  So, yeah, at some point, the two of you will eventually wind up doing all there is to be done.  At this point, this is usually when some extramarital shit starts to come into play which may or may not be beneficial to the relationship.

Even if it is beneficial, does it really help sex regain it’s previous place in your lives?  It may be that it does for x-amount of time… then it slides back into mediocrity because whatever extracurricular activity you’re into has, in fact, replaced the regular sex you’re supposed to be having.  It creates a disconnect that, even if it doesn’t affect you right away, it will catch up with you at some point… and it’s not going to be good when it does.

It’s one of those things that I understand… and I don’t because not paying attention to this aspect of your lives together is about the dumbest thing two people can do.  Yeah, maybe doing the horizontal bop ain’t something you should be doing all the time… but you should still be doing it because it’s one of the reasons why you’re together in the first place.  That sex will, invariably, get shoved to the back of the bus is something I think we all take as a given… and that’s not the way it’s supposed to work, not the way it’s supposed to be and even more so if it’s really love that binds you.  To be blunt, if you love them, fuck them.

I get the whole “women are from Venus, men are from Mars” thing; I get that women are more likely to turn the sex off in a relationship than men are… but does this make sense?  It gets down to a thing where it’s NOT a thing that sex isn’t liked or even wanted… it just doesn’t happen for some reason.  We see where a lot of people who we think shouldn’t be having sex on a regular basis is doing it; older people, people with physical handicaps, and the like; it begs the question that if they’re having sex like there’s no tomorrow, why aren’t you?

I get that women are more likely to have issues with having sex than men are, just like I get that those issues are hard to resolve and/or deal with.  It should, however, stick in your mind that if you’re depriving your partner of sex over something he or she didn’t have anything to do with, all you’re really doing is making them live with your misery and, in turn, making them just as miserable.  I know it’s said that misery loves company, but damn!  Why be there when you don’t have to be… and especially if there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to be there?

These are the things I both understand… and don’t.  If you realize the importance of sex in a relationship, why is it not happening to anyone’s satisfaction?  Is it really a thing that women are now totally in control of this, doling it out whenever the mood strikes them – if at all?  Is it, perhaps, punishment for all the rotten shit men tend to do sexually to women?  Or does the fault lie in the differences in how men and women think about sex?  If you have the weight pressing down on you, are the things that are causing you problems so severe that the idea of having sex is actually distasteful?  And of course it now becomes a question that if you don’t want to have sex for whatever reason, do you really think your partner feels the same way… and will you, ultimately, take away their desire to have sex with you because you ain’t trying to hear it?

See, it’s one of those things that particular drives men nuts about women – and vice versa.  We want to fuck you… you don’t always want to be bothered with it and, indeed, you look at it as bothersome.  Women love the idea that someone wants to fuck them – a lot; at the same time, it pisses them off, too, and I don’t even pretend to understand that.  Like I said earlier, you sit and talk to your partner about this and, yep, they understand it… but when you hear the reasons why it’s not happening, well, yeah, I can see where you’re going with this… but what does the one thing have to do with the other?  I want to have sex with you… you don’t even want me thinking about doing it to you.  Yet, you’ll turn right around and kick me in the nuts for not showing you any affection… oh, and for some reason, you seem to think that showing you affection and having sex aren’t the same thing.  Women will tell men, “That I love you should be enough.”  Did you hit your head?  Okay, yeah, baby, I love that you love me… but I still want to fuck you, ya know?

Yes, men are just as guilty for having this line of thinking as well, just in case you think I’m just picking on women.  If we’re keeping it in our pants it’s because there’s something wrong with us and, yes, it can be along the same lines as it is with women.  A lot of times, though, we’re keeping it zipped because, well, you’re keeping yours locked away so what’s good for the gander is good for the goose.  Is it a stupid way to behave?  Yeah, it is… doesn’t stop people from behaving like that.

Okay, there are those situations where, sexually, you two just ain’t on the same page – it happens.  Yet, not only do people remain together despite being mismatched, they don’t even attempt to find a sexual common ground they can stand on; hell, they won’t even try to MAKE such a place and, yes, it is within their powers to do so.  It’s amazing how sex in a relationship can be so important… and not so much all at the same time.  At the worse, you’re going to get some pity sex – that’s the sex you get when your partner finally gets tired of listening to you go on and on about not getting any and they give you some, just to shut you up for a few.  And while a lot of people will take this sex, eh, they ain’t particularly happy about why it’s being given; you just told me that there’s something going on with you that is more important than making me happy or even making yourself happy.  Fucked up thing is that I might not know what it is or, if I do know, there’s nothing I can say or do that’s gonna change your mind about it.

So why act surprised and/or hurt when you ask me what’s wrong and I tell you that I’m unhappy because you won’t have sex with me anymore?  Then shower me with all the reasons why you aren’t and, oh, by the way, none of them have anything to do with me, mind you.  Do I understand you have your reasons?  Yes; do I agree with them?  Not entirely because some of this was some shit someone else did to you and now I have to suffer for their callousness or whatever.  And, yeah, again, this applies to men as well as women – not singling any one gender out in this.

It makes a bad situation worse because, now, I’m going to be accused of not caring about how you feel about this and, really, if I didn’t care, we wouldn’t be having this discussion, would we?  Um, we’d probably be having sex, huh?  What you’re telling me is that you are more concerned about the way you feel than the way you’re making me feel and, to an extent, I get that – gotta look out for #1 at all times.  But, damn, why make me suffer for it?  Oh, yeah, and if I don’t agree with your reasons and reasonings, I’m screwed – and not in the way I was trying to make that happen, aren’t I?

It’s why people cheat on each other; it’s why homosexual tendencies are created in some people or activated in others; it’s why relationships fail when they shouldn’t.  If you don’t want to have sex with me for whatever reason – and someone else does – why are you pissed with me if I take them up on their offer?  Is it because I’m a prisoner and I shouldn’t ever dream of the possibility of escape from this prison?  You won’t give it to me… but no one else can?  Might be fine and dandy with you… but how does that make me happy?  And, really, if the thought of me getting from elsewhere bothers you – and it should – shouldn’t that kinda click in your head that the way to eliminate this threat to the relationship is to give up the booty to me?  Instead, all it does is make you angry… or angrier.  You and I both know this is about us – it’s all about us, or it should be… but it really isn’t, is it?  This is more about you feeling one way and me feeling another and, for some stupid and/or unknown – or even known – reason, we can’t get back on the page we were on in the beginning of all of this.

We actually do use sex to make people fall in love with us so, to that end, the same thing that brought us together is now the same thing that’s driving us apart.  The sad part in all of this is that people do know that the lack of sex in a relationship is a killer; even if it doesn’t kill the relationship, it can kill a person’s soul and once that’s dead, all that remains is an empty husk.  Maybe it’s contempt, complacency or some other thing that’s present that makes people just let it all die and wither away, even when they know it’s not supposed to be that way.

And, if you know it, what are you gonna do about it?

What this is really about is that people don’t ever want to do what’s necessary in this regard.  Someone not quite pushing your buttons in the right way or sequence?  Uh, did you tell them where your buttons are and how you like them pushed… or did you just leave it up to them to figure out and solve this mystery?  Have feelings of inadequacy?  Yeah, that’s understandable but, in love, that shouldn’t make much of a difference.  Sure, it’s how you see yourself… but that’s not how the other person sees you and, if they do – and you’re not happy about that, well, what are you going to do?  What can you do?  What are you willing to do?

Most people do little or nothing and it’s the oddest thing.  They say that love means never having to say you’re sorry… but it gets said a lot, doesn’t it?  And there is an answer to all of this… but it takes a willingness and desire that may no longer be present.  If you’ve accepted that, well, it’s just the way it is, you’re really quite wrong; it’s only the way it is because you allowed it to be so, really, you can’t blame Nature on something that’s your own fault and doing, can you?

Big difference between “can’t” and “won’t.”

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Posted by on 4 July 2010 in Life, Living and Loving


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