How you live with a bi guy all depends on a lot of factors, beginning with if you know he’s bi. A lot of bi men hide this piece of themselves because (a) they’re still kinda uncertain about this and not ready to say something about it or (b) they are certain but figure there’s a lot to risk by making such an announcement to family, friends, etc. So, for this blog, we’re going to proceed as if this is something known about him, everyone’s gotten over the “shock”, and now his very understanding wife wants to get a grip on this because despite the news, she still loves him… she thinks.
First thing you need to realize is that even though he told you this, he’s still the same guy you fell in love with other than you now know his true sexual leanings. The next thing – and this is important – is to get your head around the fact that because he’s bisexual, that has absolutely nothing to do with you! I know from experience that this can be quite difficult for a woman to accept and I’ve seen where they immediately get offended and start assuming the worst along with thinking there’s something wrong with her.
No, that’s not it at all. Okay, so now you know your guy is into sex with other men in some way and you need to let him explain it all to you – and be patient; this is not something a lot of men can easily talk about and don’t expect to have all of the answers in a short period of time. Get him to go back to the beginning and let him tell it, paying close attention to how he’s talking about how he felt, which is more important than whatever he might have done right now. Watch his body language; this will tell you additional things that will let you know what he’s feeling while he’s talking. Make yourself comfortable, turn off the TV, and leave anything short of a true necessity or emergency to wait for a while.
You just don’t wake up one morning and say to yourself, “Hey, I think I want to be a bisexual!” I’ve know beginnings to start in a lot of ways and some of them might piss you off; it’s important that you don’t let any revulsion creep into your own body language, don’t let your disgust explode from your mouth; if he knows you, he’ll already know if his having a sordid beginning will be an issue for you – but you must listen just the same.
He could have been introduced by a friend, “coerced” to do something on a dare, as part of experimenting with a brother or cousin, or, yeah, he could have been molested. Don’t get upset because if you’re hearing any of this, it’s all ancient history and, more than likely, he’s gotten over it – so you should, too. Maybe his introduction was during his teen-aged years and that usually happens with a friend and if you know anything about teen boys, they’d go along with the introduction just because their hormones are all for it.
It’s also important to know that whatever morals he has isn’t at issue; very likely he was told not to do this at some point – doesn’t change a thing – so don’t rush to the phone to call an exorcist or a priest. As you listen, keep in mind that everything he’s going to tell you shaped him into the man you fell in love with and are with – this is also very important.
Perhaps he’s in his 30’s or 40’s and this revelation has come to pass. The likely culprit is that he’s heard about this, wondered about it, and decided, oh, what the hell, let’s give it a shot and see what happens.
So now you know how he got started and perhaps what he’s done up to the point of your talk. Again, his being bi has nothing to do with you; if it did, the two of you wouldn’t be together. It has nothing to do with him liking or disliking sex with you; again, if that was the case, you wouldn’t be having sex. However – and having said that – you should also be aware that some men decide to straddle the fence because of something their woman isn’t going to do for them and that’s mostly suck him off – but we know why this is, right?
You’re going to have questions for him, beginning with why. That’s a hard question to answer so don’t expect one right away; it’s not that he doesn’t know why but a lot of the answer is couched in things that there are no words for. If his beginning goes back to his youth and, say, he was experimenting with a brother or cousin, well, the why is kinda easy: Because he wasn’t supposed to do it. That’s usually enough of a reason other than, hey, it wasn’t bad. And, if you’re thinking such things don’t happen, yeah, they do and despite the, ah, strict taboos against such things, experimentation, in and of itself, is quite normal.
If he was dared – and this happens, too – then the why is simply a matter of him letting his friends know he’s not a punk, chicken, or a pussy – saving face is everything amongst your male peers. Another part of this is getting hit with the threat that if he didn’t, they’d start a rumor that he’s gay – this is not a good thing especially if there’s no truth to it at all.
If he was molested, again, the why is easy: He had no choice in the matter. Understand this and gauge his reactions if this is the case; it’s not wrong for you to offer sympathy at this point because given the nature of this, it’ll go a very long way in letting him know that you understand and are still on his side.
If he was a teen, the why is still kinda easy: Most likely, he was hornier than hell, no girlfriend to put out for him and, shit, it seemed like a good idea at the time. It might make you laugh and that’s okay because there’s probably a really funny story here. He may have also been already wondering about this and when the opportunity presented itself, he took it.
If he didn’t get into this until he was an adult, well, this gets harder. Maybe he already had the leanings but never got a chance to act on them earlier; maybe he’s been wondering about that other way to get his rocks off in addition to what the two of you have been doing and, yeah, maybe he decided to give it a shot because he’s just not getting all that he needs from you. This will probably piss you off – but try not to let it. Realize that if this was the case, he could have turned to another woman to get what he wanted – and chose not to go that route. If the why of it is because of you, well, I can imagine that the conversation that goes with this isn’t going to be a good one in most cases.
If you’ve gotten past the why, when, and where – and you’re not making a mental note to contact a lawyer – you’re probably now into the what and how part of this. Yes, these two things are definitely homosexual acts but wait for him to explain them – don’t assume what everyone else assumes. Being a male bisexual and acting upon those desires can come in many forms and some not so very different than what he’s done with you, i.e., cuddling, kissing, mutual masturbation, oral and anal sex. Some guys want to do all of it, some guys will pick and choose what they like – let him tell you this.
You can almost correctly assume that there’s a lot of oral sex going on. The automatic response to this is to ask him about it and, really, the two questions that come to my mind are rather obvious. One, he likes having his cock sucked – not too many men don’t like this done to them and if it’s done to completion, so much the better. Two, he likes sucking cock for the same reasons you do. If you know this, okay, you get it. Now for the hard part…
If he’s ever fucked someone or been fucked, part of this isn’t so difficult to understand if you know that men just have to put their dicks into something; with men, there are only two choices and we’ve already discussed the first one. If he’s been on the receiving end, well, you can answer that question before you even ask him – he likes being fucked for the same reasons you do – it just feels good. If he’s the one delivering the wood, well, again, the options are rather limited and, yes, there is something really nasty and exciting about having your cock in a man’s ass. And, yeah, he just might be packing fudge with a guy because it’s something he can’t do with you and if this is the case, well, that’s another conversation again.
If you’re not the reason why he’s bisexual, then coming to grips with this shouldn’t be all that difficult… but the reality is that this is always difficult because, as I mentioned earlier, a lot of women will get utterly offended and just go ballistic. I understand the reasons why even though it really makes no sense; to me, women who are offended by this almost always overlooks the obvious; okay, he likes sex with men but, ah, isn’t he – and hasn’t he – always been with you? Yeah, your anger is about to change that but don’t reach for that phone just yet or start thinking about throwing his stuff into the street.
One of the incorrect assumptions is that since this is something he has done and wants to do, he’s still doing it. Maybe he is… but it’s not that simple. You may have this sordid image of your guy hiding out in adult theaters, haunting truck stops, cruising gay bars and other stuff like that – and it’s probably so wrong that if you accuse him of this, you’re going to get embarrassed when you find out differently. A lot of bi men have this need… but they don’t always act on it except in certain situations. Most of this is because we know all of the negative stuff associated with our sexuality; we’re okay with it, ah, not everyone else is. The main problem with the majority of bi men is finding another man to do it with and that’s not as easy as you might think.
I’ve learned over the years that while hooking up with a gay guy can scratch the itch, there’s a lot of baggage that comes along with that. This is important because a lot of men get into being bisexual because of the lack of emotional baggage; no offense, girls, but it makes doing it easier when there’s not a whole of lot of other emotions tagging along. Some – not all – gay men bring a lot of the same emotional stuff to the bed as a woman might and, really, he can get that at home easily enough. So, yeah, bi men tend to look for guys who are like them – just a regular Joe type of guy.
But a lot of this depends on how deeply being bisexual is within him or, simpler, just what makes him feel good in this regard. You hear a lot about tops and bottoms and a bi man can be one or the other or both – it just depends. “Traditionally,” someone has to assume the masculine role, someone the “feminine” role – but it’s not uncommon for men to switch those roles as needed. There’s a lot of emotional stuff behind this as well and talking to your man will identify what’s what in this regard. Some guys are more comfortable being in the top role, some the bottom, and some it doesn’t matter one way or the other.
So now you know. The next and probably last question is, “So now what?” Obviously, that depends on a lot of things; maybe he just wanted you to know all of this and no further action is needed or even required – just because we can do it doesn’t mean we will. All you really have to do at this point is accept it – this is what he is. Remember, if he’s been doing this since he was a lad, his experiences in this have shaped and molded him into the man you fell in love with. Yeah, you’ve just learned that he’s a lot more different than you knew – but that shouldn’t be a bad thing – he doesn’t think it is. It has, in fact, probably given you two some more things you have in common which should, ideally, bring the two of you closer, not drive a wedge between you.
He’s come out to you and if you can’t understand the significance of this – and the difficulty in doing so – well, make an appointment with me and I’ll be happy to explain it to you better than I have here. He still loves and desires you – he still needs you. Understand that, yeah, this is something he’s done, he likes – it’s the way he is. Women feel that it’s always their job to please their man sexually but here’s a stone-cold fact: If he wants dick, you don’t have one so you can’t really give him what he wants in this regard. Yeah, I know all about the dildo thing but think about this: If you, as a woman, find it a poor substitute for the real thing, he will as well. Using one of those puppies on him could, in fact, make the sex the two of you have a lot more interesting.
Does your bisexual man love men? Maybe he does and, yeah, that just sounds so gay, doesn’t it? Sound like it but it isn’t – he’s already told you that he knows he isn’t gay and he’s not about to pack his bags and run off with another man; if that were the case, I doubt the two of you would be having this conversation because, simply, you would have never met him – he’d be with the man he loves so much.
Know that in a lot of cases, he actually doesn’t like or love men – it’s really about the sex and the pleasure that comes along with it. To him, it’s just a different way to get his rocks off and, yeah, it’s secondary to humping the living daylights out of you. I’d say that maybe 95% of the time, if you gave him a choice between pussy and dick, he’d take the pussy first… but wouldn’t say no to the dick.
A common misconception is that a bi man will go one way or the other – this just isn’t true; it’s one way and the other. People just tend to think “either/or” and, yeah, for some guys, being with another man is a replacement more than an addition – all depends on where his head is and all that. Sadly, a lot of bi men get “forced” into either/or; even to the woman who understands and supports her man in this, he’s put into the position of having to choose one or the other when having both is really what’s best for him. Now, why he can’t have both all depends on your relationship – it is possible but that’s again another conversation for some other time – part of the “what do you want to do now” thing.
It’s not at all difficult living with a bi guy if you understand this thing about him; if you are bisexual, well, it helps a great deal… but if you’re not, yeah, it can be a problem if you don’t get it and can’t accept it. I’ve heard women tell their man to choose either/or… or else the relationship is over. If it’s just about the sex for him, ah, he can probably do without it, accept you as the choice, and life goes on. However, if he’s like me – being bisexual is like breathing – just telling him to not be bisexual is pretty much impossible to comply with. He can stop having the sex but you can’t – and he can’t – do a damned thing about how he feels about it. By forcing him to choose, you will make him regret ever having told you this and the ramifications behind you making him choose might have a very bad impact on your relationship and him as well.
He’ll start to move away from you emotionally and maybe even physically; maybe he becomes angry and starts looking at how unfairly you’re treating him or realizes that you don’t care to understand him at all – and this anger becomes reflected in everything he does once you force the decision on him. Maybe, just maybe, this will make him go on the DL, that shadowy place where he can do what he needs to do and maybe even dangerously so. Or maybe he just withdraws period, becoming just a mere image of the man he once was.
And if you truly love your man, I have no idea why any woman would do this. Well, that’s not true – I do know – it just doesn’t make sense to me especially if there’s no valid risk to the relationship. Yeah, yeah, there’s the whole HIV/AIDS thing; haven’t mentioned it because as I’ve said over and over, bi men might be horny but the majority aren’t stupid in what they do. It is important, yes – but he knows this and he knows that you know. Still, a woman will trash her man about this, not because of the risk of disease but because she sees it as an insult and threat to her as a woman; something about her just can’t accept him doing something with a man that she’s supposed to be doing; that she probably isn’t doing those things doesn’t cross her mind at all so, yep, YOU could be the reason why he’s having sex with men, my dear, and now you’re going to punish him greatly for this by depriving him of your love and affection and just destroying him emotionally for having the utter gall to offend you with this. Doesn’t make sense, does it? And, really, I challenge any woman to prove to me how this does make sense…
Living with a bisexual man isn’t hard… unless you make it that way. Maybe he can’t act on his desires – there are other things that have to be considered that are important – but, at the least, you can understand this about him even if it’s not something you’d care to do. Appreciate what it took for him to tell you this – then realize and understand that if his telling you was hard, it wasn’t as hard as admitting this to himself, believe me. Depending on how it works with him, appreciate the fact that you two now have more in common than before and, wow, just think of the interesting conversations you can have with your bi guy, like comparing cock-sucking techniques – that’s always a fun and often funny conversation.
Instead of seeing him different – and radically and negatively so – try to see the similarities in his sexual desires that run alongside your own; if sucking cock and being fucked works for you, well, why wouldn’t it work for him? You liking being eaten and him liking being sucked isn’t so very different, is it? And if the person doing you finishes the job, well, it’s all good, right? And maybe – just maybe – this “new” him you’ve discovered can make the “US” that you two are better.
If you think I need to say more about this, let me know; it’s hard for me to put into words all of the nuances in this so, yeah, I’ve probably missed, left out, and just flat out failed to cover all of the bases. I put the positive spin on this because it should be positive – but I also know how all of this can go dreadfully wrong. So, you bring it up, I’ll do my best to address it.