The Underside

14 Aug

I was sitting here reading the comments to my last couple of blogs and they’re all good as far as I’m concerned but just thinking about the nature of a lot of my blogs, I realized that I spend a lot of time poking around in the seedy underside of life, living, and loving, those things people are often loathe to even think about, let alone get in there and pick them apart to see what lies beneath.

In that moment, I realized that, well, someone has to do it; it’s always too easy to look at things on the top where everything is going reasonably well.  Using cars as an analogy, one can have a great body and interior… but if the powertrain – the heart of any car – isn’t worth much, needing a good cleaning, overhaul, or maybe a complete replacement.  We give it gas and oil but few people ever really do the scheduled and required maintenance to keep their car young and running smoothly.  And such is life, at times, wouldn’t you agree?

It’s easy for us to say that if it’s not broken, don’t mess with it; it takes a bit more courage and initiative to get under there and tinker with things, fine tuning them, if you will, until it’s running the way you want it to run… which might not be as it was made or supposed to run.  To that end, if people spent more time under the hoods of their lives, perhaps a lot more things would run smoothly… or you’d find out why they aren’t.

I’ve gone on and on about sex, relationships, sexuality; marriage and the alternatives to this time-honored institution, not in any attempt to convince people to do these things but simply to write about the things we won’t talk about with any degree of honesty or purpose.  In a time in our lives when there doesn’t appear to be a lot of choices at hand when things look bleak, especially in our relationships, a lot of what I’ve been writing looks at the underside of relationships and attempts to pick them apart so one can see what’s going on under there; maybe you need to fix something but the OEM part’s not available and, like a good mechanic, you need to make a part that’ll get the job done.

I write about not being afraid to do whatever needs to be done to keep one’s relationship alive and as healthy as possible; I write about things that could either change or improve the person you are – and I mean the unconventional stuff like giving in to your bi side if you have one and not buying into the stereotypes and misconceptions that go along with another way to get your rocks off – but how it can also give you a new and different perspective on things.

I might even spend a great deal of time telling you how not to do a thing more than how it should be done; like a lot of other things in life, it’s way too easy just to have someone tell you how to do this or that; sometimes, you just gotta find out what’s going to be the best way to do something and, yeah, we learn from mistakes better than by any other way, don’t we?

And then we get to why I bother writing all this stuff at all and the answer’s simple:  Because I can.  It’s not an ego trip by any means because I have a need to share what I know (or what I don’t know) with others – it’s about enlightenment more than anything else other than my love for writing.  Maybe I’m as wrong as it gets, maybe I’m spot-on about things – it’s up to anyone who reads these blogs to determine for themselves, which is another good thing because if I’ve gotten you to think and/or look at something – and no matter whether you agree or not – then I’ve fulfilled one of my purposes in life.

Maybe, in my ramblings, I’ve gotten you to stop and look at yourself or the way you do certain things; perhaps I’ve managed to answer a question that’s been running around in your head or confirmed something you’ve always thought was right.  On the other hand, I could very well be pissing people off by talking about the stuff that I do… but I got you thinking about it, didn’t I?

The comments I’ve received to date are so helpful.  It’s not about being right or wrong as much as it is also a reality and logic check for me.  Some of the things I write about may seem to be pie-in-the-sky things but perhaps they appear to be this way because they don’t seem to be possible and a lot of the messages I try to bring is to let everyone who reads my blogs know that all things are possible, everything is negotiable – you just have to want to do it… or not.  A lot of things are, indeed, about choice, making decisions and sticking with them no matter how they turn out.  A lot of things are about getting out of the boxes we put ourselves in, to see there are alternatives to certain things but also attempting to raise awareness of what could go wrong if you do… or how things can be worse for you if you can’t or don’t.

I’ve talked about men and women and the things we do to each other as well as the things we don’t do and some have been as simple as merely talking to – not at – each other.  If we cannot and do not communicate effectively with each other, we are screwed – no two ways about it.  I feel we have to stop telling each other what we’re not going to do and spend more time talking about the things we can and will do, to give life and loving a chance to do whatever it’s supposed to do for us.  I feel that a lot of us live with a great deal of fear; fear of things buried in our pasts along with the natural fear of the unknown that lies ahead of us… and we cannot be afraid although fear is a good thing; if you’re not afraid of certain things, then you probably don’t understand what it is all that well.  There’s a huge difference between having respect for something and flat out cowering from it and, yes, our fears do make us foolish.

To that end, we need to stop looking back at the things that made us afraid, indifferent, angry, or ambivalent; we have to embrace that that was then, this is now, and we must always learn from the things we’ve done before; otherwise, we’ll just keep repeating the same mistakes, keep reliving the same old fears when it comes to loving and living.  I was talking to my baby about something I wrote in “Oh, Man” yesterday and saw a repeat of a pattern we all get into, that being the events of our past coming back to haunt us and preventing us from being the people we are either meant to be or want to be.

Often, in the seedy underside of relationships, we are haunted by those who came before us, that guy or gal we were with prior to the person we’re with now.  We remember the good things about them but often spend a lot of time remembering all the bad things about them and we carry those things into our new relationship… then let them hinder us and blind us to the possibilities a new love can bring.  It makes us afraid, leery, overly cautious and breeds a great deal of distrust even in the face of a pure and cleansing love.  It does, in effect, cripple us, doesn’t it?  If the dark things in our past have, in fact, crippled us, don’t you think it’s time we learned to walk again, to talk and love again?

Recently, we’ve peered at the underside of sex, those things that might or can make men and women behave badly in this.  Much of it is and can be controversial because, yeah, men and women don’t see this in the same light.  In this – and as I’ve said – sometimes it’s not about why we behave badly in this but what, if anything, we can do about it to fix such issues – then what we can do to insure such things never happen again.  But, sadly, it’s always about what someone’s not going to do and, sometimes, what they can’t do.

At the end of every day, maybe you just can’t fix some things and change, if it’s going to happen, doesn’t always happen right away but I believe the most important thing, other than communication, is understanding because, yeah, you do need to understand why something is the way it is; if you don’t know how, why, when and even the what of how something in your relationship got broken, well, you can’t even attempt to repair it, can you?  And that’s just it; we even have to want to do this, which means rolling up one’s sleeves and getting dirty by getting underneath the surface of our lives and loves to find out just what the hell’s going on down there that’s making us miserable in this.

Someone on our swinging site told me once that I have a unique perspective about such things and the comment, while well-accepted, made me shrug.  I’ll admit it is different – maybe.  As I get older, a lot more things just make better sense to me and I seem to have a knack for looking at something simply for the way it is or what it is, stripping away the stuff we tend to cover such things with and saying, “Well, this is what it is…”  Obviously, I don’t have much of a problem talking about it and in great length and detail but I’ve always been of a mind that in such important things, there aren’t any short answers; not everything is yes or no, black and white, whatever.  If you’re going to look at these things in your life – LOOK AT THEM.

There’s no such thing as not having the time to do it; we are so all into that instant gratification thing these days – hurry up and make me happy.  We don’t ever want to be bothered with the details of our lives and loves, feeling we have more important things to tend to… but what’s more important than life, living, and loving?  Your job?  Financial concerns?  These things and many others are a part of life, living, and loving – can’t escape them no matter what we do.  But we need to look at and pay attention to the details and, yeah, look and and talk about the dark underside and just not the light upper side of these things.

It’s not about what you’re not going to do; it’s not about what you can’t do.  It’s about possibilities, potential, and all those other things we need to grow as individuals and as a couple so that we can live and love to the best of our abilities.  But, in order to do this, we often have to look in that place inside us that we really don’t want to look at.  Recognize tradition in some things.. then toss it out the closest window if that’s what needs to be done in order for the best of who and what you are can rise to the surface.  Don’t let yourself fall into the ruts we all tend to fall into – and then just stay there because you feel there are no options or choices in this.  There are.  You just have to want them.


Posted by on 14 August 2010 in Life, Living and Loving


Tags: ,

2 responses to “The Underside

  1. marriagecoach1

    14 August 2010 at 10:16

    Kudos on another great post.


    • kdaddy23

      14 August 2010 at 10:22

      Thank you, John! Your comments are very much appreciated, even the short ones.



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