How Do You Know?

28 Sep

I was just sitting here thinking about my last blog and, out of nowhere, I started thinking about bisexuals (and those into bisexual sex) and

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the singular problem of knowing who’s doable and who isn’t.  The question formed in my mind:  How does someone know if another person is bi or not?

Lifestylers ask this question a lot and come up with some interesting ways to let others know, like wearing certain items or discrete hand signals – stuff like that.  Someone coined the word “gaydar” – I’m not sure I actually like the word or not but I guess it can work because, sometimes, you just know without any obvious or overt signs.

It make me ask myself how I sometimes know these things and, really, I couldn’t begin to tell you other than it’s just a feeling most of the time.  I do watch body language but, often, that can be misleading more than anything else.  To that end, I’ve always wondered what is it I might be doing that tells some dude that I go both ways but, of course, it’s hard to see your own body language.  It has often amazed me when a guy will come up to me and start putting a move on and I’ll ask something like, “How do you know I’m even down like that?  How do you know I’m not two seconds away from punching your lights out?”

The answer I usually get is, “I can tell.”  The bad part is that they can never tell me how they could tell.  Some have told me it’s the way I move (or used to before the stroke got me), a kinda graceful gliding, one guy said.  To me, it didn’t mean anything; the way I moved is really more about my martial arts training more than it having to do with my sexuality; you’re trained to move as fluidly and as smoothly as possible and even to the point where you’re actually in control of your body language as to not give anything away.

So how do they know?  I know that there are times when you can make eye contact with someone and, bang, you know – just like that.  Yeah, I guess that if you have a hunch about someone, the direct approach might be in order… but then you think, “What if I’m wrong?”  That can be very embarrassing and, with the wrong person, a bit dangerous.  There are times when, during conversation, the topic somehow manages to come up and you can usually tell who’s really down for that type of sex, those folks who are faking the funk, and those who are genuinely not trying to hear it.

But, jeez, how to do you walk into a room as you normally would and tell the bi people from the straight people?  Maybe the clues are so subliminal that they just go over your head unnoticed?  For me, I try to watch the people who are watching me and if I notice that someone’s really spending a lot of time looking at me, then they might be bi… or there’s something going on with me I’m not aware of.  Sometimes, if someone is trying not to look at me, hmm, they might be bi.  But, true enough, someone could be doing none of these things… and they could be bi and off the radar, as it were.

Just how in the hell do you know?  And, what signs, if any, do you give off to others?  Even better, in some situations where someone has wanted to have a conversation with me about it, how the hell do I know what they’re going to say after they ask, “Can I talk to you for a minute?”  Is it something in their voice?  Body language?  Or is it really true that it takes one to know one?  Damned if I know; I’ve been trying to figure this out for years and it seems that every time I think I’ve found the answer, I find that I didn’t.  My conclusions are there is really no definitive, sure-fire way to tell if someone is bisexual or not outside of coming right out and asking them.

Some have said, “It’s just a feeling I get.”  Okay, I think I know about that one but I question whether or not what I’m feeling is a vibe from them… or me just being horny and thinking I’d like to get busy with them.  I figure that if people can tell me, “It’s just something about you…” then it’s just something about them, too – I just have no friggin’ idea what that something is.

It makes you think about the way you carry yourself and your mannerisms – then gets you looking at other people then trying to make sense of what you see, if anything.  I’ve had people guess my “secret” just by looking at my eyelashes, which are, I’ve been told, unusually long for a man.  Um, all that means is I have long eyelashes, something I probably inherited from one of my parents and how something like that can reveal the “secret” is beyond me.

It’s a mystery and one that often frustrates bisexuals who are looking for someone to play with.  Like, I have no idea how women deal with this; they seem to have some insight or instinct that men don’t have or can’t develop – it’s like they just know via some sort of telepathy!  My ex used to amaze me by pointing out women who were either gay or bi – and she didn’t know them from a can of paint!  Sometimes I’d see it; maybe it was the way they were looking at each other, something about their body posture – something.  I’d see them smile knowingly at each other, like something’s passing between them – then it’s gone and it’s as if it was never there.

Even Linda has pointed to a girl and said, “That’s one’s bi.”  I’ve asked how she knows and she says, mysteriously, “You can tell.”  Um, how?  If anyone reading this has any insight into this, let me know, will ya?

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Posted by on 28 September 2010 in Life, Living and Loving


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