There’s a thread on the website about couples being in a swinging club – but unwilling to swap and whether or not such people can be called swingers. Given that despite the “official” definition, people tend to be in the lifestyle in whatever way makes them comfortable. I offer this definition and quote, found on Sex-Lexis.com:
Quote: Lawrence Paros in The Erotic Tongue (1984): ‘ Around 1953, a phenomenon called wife swapping was reported in the suburbs. During the early to mid-sixties, swinging couples or swingers became the subject of serious study by sociologists as well as a common male fantasy. But there was little need to limit swinging to married folks, and it expanded to include any kind of innovative sex with multiple partners, rendering all other definitions obsolete. The swinging-single was now upon us .’
It stands to reason that the dynamic continues to change from the provided definition in that there are people who want to be around all the sex to be had, say, at a club or party – but have no interest in sharing themselves with others. The thread on the site questions whether or not such people have a place in the lifestyle, given that most people have the thought in their mind that if you’re there, you’re supposed and are expected to make yourself available to sex.
To me, the whole thing is rather prejudicial and discriminatory and hinges on what an individual thinks and expects in such a situation. It’s always been my position that when you expect something, you can be quite disappointed when what you expected doesn’t happen in the way you expect it. Swingers also just up and assume that if you’re there, you’re fair game… and all without knowing if that’s really the case or not.
In one of my responses, I allowed that since swinging means different things to different people – and, again, despite the definitions – who’s to say whether a couple who doesn’t or won’t swap isn’t a swinger? Of course, on many websites, who is and who isn’t a swinger is a topic of great debate and you can actually see a consensus of sorts as well as the mindset of the people who respond to such a topic. And, it really stinks to high heaven to read people trying to shoe-horn other people into a definition that may not fit them.
It’s my thought that the increase in people wanting to swing is an indication of people finally getting off their moral high horses and realizing that if it’s sexual pleasure you want, there are other ways to get it. This isn’t to say that people should just throw away any morals they have… but it doesn’t change the fact that a lot of people are doing just that. Yes, it’s supposed to be about the sex but, in the situation the OP (original poster) laid out, just being in a roomful of people having sex – but not participating – is their idea of swinging. And, yeah, I can see how that kinda makes sense and can be even seen as voyeurism, something that does exist in the lifestyle.
And who are we, as swingers, to say who’s as swinger and who isn’t? I said in a reply that as far as I know, there’s no national association with a governing body for swingers that anyone’s a member of and that if such an organization did exist, a lot of people would never be admitted as members if the literal definition is adhered to. It implies that a standard for being in the lifestyle be mandated and anyone who didn’t fit the standard couldn’t be admitted as swingers no matter how they felt or thought about such things.
But, that’s just it; it’s not about the definition, implied or otherwise – it’s about what the people involved think it means to them. On the site, I often see the way people think about this and how they’ll bash anyone they feel isn’t a swinger by their definition – but get totally pissed off if someone were to say that the way they swing isn’t the way it’s supposed to be done. But, also at the same time, they talk about having respect for the way people swing. What it really makes me think about some people is that respecting the way someone else may want to swing has little and/or no importance; they are required and expected to just give up the booty when they’re asked for it and, sure enough, if you don’t do things the way they expect you’re not a swinger in their book.
Certainly, I’m no expert when it comes to this and I have my own thoughts about what constitutes being a swinger and all that. I understand what it takes for a person or persons to take their morality, instituted since they were able to understand it, and set it aside for “extra” sex and even something more than that. It’s not an easy decision to make given how “possessive” people tend to be about their partner/mate or, as I like to say, “This is my pussy and you ain’t getting any!” Perhaps the dynamic is changing in that people are finding it easier to be around swinging sex – but they don’t have to deal with trashing their vows to each other and do, indeed, keep only unto themselves. This “new” dynamic suggests that you can be with a bunch of swingers having sex, revel in all the sexual activity going on around you but when it’s time to do the nasty, you just ain’t sharing with anyone else.
And who’s to say that some couple looking at it like that aren’t swingers? See, to me, “sharing sex” doesn’t necessarily mean letting some other guy pork your wife – it’s sharing the sexual experience as a whole and no swapping is required or expected.
By the way, for anyone considering getting into the lifestyle, don’t let my comments dissuade you from taking the plunge; you get into the lifestyle for the reasons and way it’ll work for you; it’s just that I find the mindset of some of the posters on the site to rub me the wrong way at times and, yup, I gotta say something about it.