So, the next hot topic on the swinging website is exclusivity, where a couple wants to just have sex with another couple without any, uh, outside interference. Like having any other emotions other than lust, the E-word is to be avoided like the plague as fas as a lot of swingers are concerned, their point being that they’re already in a good relationship and don’t want to be bothered with another one. The conversation kinda got into being poly, which is an entirely different thing than swinging but, basically, the OP was asking if exclusivity had a place in the lifestyle.
Okay, my thoughts are that it does have a place in the life when you take into consideration that we all don’t swing the same way. Some folks prefer the “variety” of bed-hopping, going from one couple to the next and never having sex with the same couple more than once per encounter. Then again, there are couples who’d rather not settle for this and would want a couple they could interact with on a long term basis and not just for sex and, actually, there’s some sense in this because wanting exclusive “rights” to someone can lessen the risks that are inherent in the bed-hopping type of swinging.
In this, you know who and what you’re dealing with and at such intimate levels that could, in fact, lead to a poly existence – but, again, that’s a different kettle of fish. As swingers, we’d rather deal with a couple exclusively rather than having to go through the hassles involved with trying to get people into bed with us; it’s just easier when you know that you’ve got someone steady you can have sex with. You are aware of the quality of the sex to be had and the longer everyone is exposed to each other, the better the sex can be.
I would suppose that most swingers feel that exclusivity takes them out of the game… and that’s just not true. You can, in fact, be a couple’s exclusive sex partner and still be out there wheeling and dealing as usual; it’s all in how the nature of being exclusive is defined. Yes, just as in “regular” swinging, there has to be rules and a clear, concise understanding of how such an arrangement is supposed to work – then you have to work to make sure it works.
One of the responders to the post said the L-word – love. Well, that’s a problem for swingers; they don’t want to be bothered with any other emotion other than lust, their thinking being that they already love their partner so any other love coming to the table is a pain in the ass. My though was simple: Did you not take into consideration that your having sex with someone else could affect them in that way? To me, the answer’s obvious: No, it never crossed their minds. They act upon the thought that if being in love with another couple isn’t on their list of things to do, then no one else should think or feel like that.
And that’s just inherently stupid and a failure of swingers to deal with the consequences of their actions. In my way of thinking, even if it’s just sex, you have a responsibility to be mindful of how the other person may be impacted by what you’re doing and how your doing it to them. I mean, what do you think is going to happen if you charm the daylights out of someone then sex them like they’ve never been sexed before? You may expect them to just thank you for the good fuck and walk away… but that might not happen and I believe it’s something one has to be aware of; it’s dealing with the consequences of your actions.
Exclusivity, in and of itself, is not a bad thing; it can only be bad if someone makes it that way, as in one couple wanting exclusivity with another couple – but, in this, are making unreasonable demands in order to have it their way. No, that ain’t gonna fly! And this probably does happen more often than not and winds up on the list of things not to be done when it comes to swinging.
What disturbs me about this is the general attitude some swingers have. They get it into their heads that if it’s something they couldn’t or wouldn’t do, then it’s not swinging as they see it – and then they try to ram their way of thinking down the throats of others, thinking that they’re right and everyone else is wrong – and that’s just not the way it is. Everyone doesn’t swing the same way or for the same reasons… and while other swingers acknowledge that this is a truth, well, they appear to be in great denial about it – and all because it’s something they can’t handle in their lives.
I said in one of my responses to the posting that we wouldn’t reject an offer of exclusivity – it would actually work better for us. Just make us an offer – then let’s sit down and negotiate the terms and, if we can all agree, well, let’s do this thing! If our goal and purpose is to have sex with people other than ourselves, well, being exclusive fits the bill and can be seen as a safer way to swing.