Okay, mainly to mess with my girl, Cinnamon, lemme explain what “because you can” means – there are two meanings to this. The first is kinda obvious if you really do understand the biological imperative to have sex and that humans are one of the few animals that do it and not just for the purpose of reproduction. Even though from the moment of conception we’re pre-programmed with the imperative, we do find reasons not to act upon it so, no, we’re not just all screwing willy-nilly all the time. There are people who have sex, literally, because they can and is something I call indiscriminate sex; you see a guy or a gal and you just go out of your way to have sex with them without any regards to the qualities that person may have or, as someone said, if they’re warm, they’re getting done.
And I’m sure we all know someone like this, huh? We tend to frown on this behavior because it’s risky and usually done without much thought other than, “I need to get laid.” People who are like this, however, are simply responding to the imperative – it’s what you’re born to do so why not, right?
The second context of “because you can” is related to being in a relationship. Okay, I know there are people who hook up with each other and sex with each other is never on the menu… but that’s not everyone, is it? It’s pretty safe to say that if you’re in a relationship, when it started, having sex with them was part of the deal and, yeah, one of the reasons it is a relationship is because they passed that particular test well enough for you to keep them, along with the other reasons why you’re in the relationship with them. To that end, having sex is an expectation from a societal point of view; you’re some form of a couple, so doing it to each other is taken as a matter of course.
Or, because you can. I know Cinn’s just jerking my chain a little but this really isn’t all that difficult to grasp and the one time you really see this at work is usually in the beginning of relationships when the two of you were screwing each other’s brains out more than you were doing anything else together and even to the point where someone eventually asks, “Is that all the two of you ever do?” In this, those three good reasons I mentioned in yesterday’s blog are in full effect and it’s better than all good… but then something happens.
As humans – and because of our ability to think – we have developed the ability to not want to answer to the imperative. It can’t just go away; it is indelibly programmed into each of us but some people have become adept at ignoring it for whatever reason they feel they need to. For the rest of us, we’ve gotten good at finding reasons not to have sex and some of them are directly related to how we feel both physically and emotionally or even related to how we’re thinking, what we’re thinking, and other things that we know and learn along the way.
We learn about such things as attraction and chemistry; we learn to get an understanding of the different personalities we encounter along the way and, along with whatever teachings we may have gotten (or not), this all works toward two things: Having sex and not having it. There are other things that work for and against this; they can be physical, emotional, or biochemical… but I don’t want to get too far away from my basic premise for this.
So, picking on Cinnamon, she meets her hubby, is attracted to him, feels some chemistry, and booyah – they have sex and somewhere along the line, one or both of them decide that the sex is good and becomes one of the reasons why they’re now married; might not be the reason why they are but it’s there just the same. She might not think so but if she does stop to think about this, she may agree with me. With her and, perhaps, with other couples, they have sex until something gets in the way of them having sex and, as we well know, that could be anything. Life, as wonderful as it is, can conspire against you when you want and need to have sex; toss in any physical and/or emotional trauma experienced along the way and the whole thing can get really interesting but, assuming that neither person has been overly traumatized, things like having a job or looking for a job can create an environment where sex just falls off the list of things to do – and that’s just one of many examples one can give.
The first two reasons on my list falls by the wayside, don’t they? Some things can take place that’ll make the third reason moot as well, huh? We know this, some have experienced one or all of these “failures to communicate,” haven’t we? My point in this was an attempt to bring couples back to basics if they’re sitting around wondering why they haven’t been doing the nasty as much as they’d like or need to. It’s because you can, because you want to and, hopefully, you still love each other enough to have sex.
Sure, there are a whole lot of things that can and will get in the way of this but you gotta ask yourself why this is, don’t you? Unless, of course, sex – either in general or specifically for some reason – doesn’t mean a whole lot to you any longer. Would you say, in this, that there’s something wrong? Most people would wholeheartedly agree that there is; it then becomes a not-too-simple matter of righting the wrong so you can get back to getting laid, right? It sounds bad but fixing it can be a matter of finding someone else to be with if that person is part of the problem or, if they’re really kinda okay, finding different ways to scratch each other’s itches.
However, as I’ve said, humans are quite adept at finding reasons not to have sex. We do get ourselves into a “groove” of sorts, building a box around ourselves which makes us comfortable and stepping out of that box, for some, is incredibly difficult because, up to that point, I’ve always done it this way and to do it some other way just doesn’t feel right. You can see this when a hubby or wife suggests they do something different in bed and the other person balks at the suggestion, right? This is not to say, suggest, or imply that people don’t have reasons for this they feel are legitimate, mind you – people are just like that.
What I try to get people to do is to think about why they’re not having sex to any degree of satisfaction and, yep, sometimes, that begins with looking at yourself. You gotta remember that you can have sex in a relationship simply because you can, which can also take care of your wanting to have sex and, yes, indeedy, if you love your partner, well, do you need any other reasons? Just because we may fall out of love with a partner might wipe out the sex with them – but doesn’t (and shouldn’t) remove the first two things; that’s just a matter of finding someone else to love, if that’s the case or a necessity. Sounds simple, but it really isn’t – but it’s supposed to make you think about this.
Maybe you require an alternative outlet for sex? Ideally, you’re with a person who not only understands that but is supportive of your needs in this… but that ain’t how the real world works all the time, is it? Our partners, with their own idea of the way sex should be taking place in the relationship, will often go out of their way to make sure you suppress or eliminate any desire for sex that has nothing to do with them; again, that’s just how people are and if you understand the psychology of being in a relationship, it almost makes sense.
Almost. I don’t say any of this to start a war in anyone’s home or to even ruin anyone’s relationship but there are times when you have to see this for what it is and not for what you want it to be; the two things are not mutually exclusive although we’d like them to be. I know that as a human being, I’m supposed to have sex unless I’ve managed to short-out the imperative to do it. Ideally, I want to have sex (1) with anyone who I can convince to have sex with me or, (2) with someone I have an emotional attachment to (read this as loving them) and with the hope that they do, in fact, feel the same way I do or closely enough for government work, if you know what I mean.
Really, if you look at those three good reasons and give them some thought, you can see how they should work with each other and that they can almost work independently of each other; it only becomes a problem if the other person is not of a mind to drop their drawz and get busy with you, right? I mean, wow, how many times have you sat down with your partner and ask them why we’re not having sex like we used to? And how many times has our partner responded with, first, “I don’t know” and then maybe with, “It’s not like I don’t want to have sex” or “It’s not like I don’t want to have sex with you, but…” In listening to their reasons, you should be able to see how my three good reasons are being shunted aside in favor of something else, taking us away from the basic premises of having sex in the relationship.
Or, on the somewhat lighter side of this, your partner comes to you and says, “Babe, what can we do to spice up our sex life?” Ideally, your partner’s more than willing to, at the least, listen to whatever ideas you have about this and, beyond being ideal, might even say, “Hell, let’s go for it!” Ah, but, we know most people ain’t gonna do that, don’t we, taking “because you can” and tossing it into the garbage disposal, crippling “because you want to” and severely damaging “because you love them.”
Again, I’m not saying people don’t have reasons to resist this particular thing… I’m just kinda asking people who have these issues to ask themselves why they do and whether or not they help or hinder the sex in the relationship then, if they can, do something about it so that the two of you can get back to screwing like teenagers, which is probably what the two of you really want to do. It’s getting back to the basics of sex in the relationship: Because you can, because you want to, because you love them.
People can and will argue against this school of thought; hell, I know how I’d argue against it but when I start thinking of the points I’d argue, well, do they really make sense in the grand scheme of things? And if they were proven sensible – and some of them can be – which is more important; my sensibilities or the survival of the relationship and maintaining this important physical and emotional bond between us? Most people would opt to protect their sensibilities, wouldn’t they? Again, doesn’t this take my three good reasons and just summarily throw them away?
I must remind you at this point that if you’re not having problems with sex in your relationship, you can be excused; this is really for those folks who are sitting around scratching their heads trying to figure out just what the hell went wrong in this department. For these folks, my buddy John and other pros like him can offer excellent advice about this… but I’m the guy suggesting that you first return to the basic premises of having sex in the relationship:
- Because you can.
- Because you want to have sex.
- Because you love them enough to have sex.
Does it get any simpler than that?