One of the watchwords in the lifestyle is discretion; for a lot of folks, they don’t want anyone else knowing that they’re trying to screw (or have screwed) people they ain’t married to. During a discussion about who might know that you’re a swinger, I kinda pointed out to them that, um, they might not be as discreet as they think they are and simply because you don’t know who knows what you’re up to.
Few swingers will just come out and say that’s what they do; most go through some pretty convoluted shit to stay hidden in this and perhaps not realizing that they’ve gotten into a pattern of behavior that, for some, ain’t too hard to figure out why they’re acting the way they are. Here’s the thing, though: Just because they don’t say anything doesn’t mean they don’t know anything – this was one of my father’s favorite sayings, his way of letting us know that we weren’t as slick as we thought we were – and we usually weren’t.
My mother figured it out where I was concerned… and gave me a lecture that not only made me feel like I was seven years old again but I had an incredible urge to go upstairs to the room that used to be mine. I thought I had been doing a great job at being discreet… only to find out – and because I asked her – that it was my behavior in this that gave me away – and then she told me about some things she figured out about me that I didn’t know she knew. And I found that while it bothered me that she knew, it didn’t matter a whole lot ’cause, well, I like and want to do this and, being grown, I didn’t need her approval in any of it.
In this, a lot of swingers will jump up and defiantly say that what they do is no one else’s business – and this is so; like I said, few swingers don’t have a problem with who knows what they’re doing. For everyone else, it’s a state secret worthy of the CIA, not like they have any secrets, huh?
A lot of this is borne out of the fact that sex – any kind of sex – is such a private matter. It’s not to be talked about and, indeed, a lot of people get quite squirrelly when a conversation about sex comes up. If you think about it, it’s kinda silly, ain’t it? You’re a man or a woman and one can reasonably assume that you are getting laid in some fashion; what might not be known is how they’re getting their cookies off. Okay, if you know that people will automatically assume that you’re getting laid, um, it’s not a secret, is it? Ha, even when you know that they know, you still try to, at the least, keep the details a secret… but that comes out in the wash, too, doesn’t it?
This sense of discretion and even that reluctance to talk about things sexual shows up in the lifestyle and it just cracks me up: How in the hell do you expect to get laid in the life if you don’t want to talk about the sex? Few details in this area are exchanged – if any; some folks say they don’t wanna talk about it – they just wanna do it (and the sooner, the better) and, oh, yeah, being discreet is of the greatest importance!
Swingers are paranoid. They want to jump into the pool… but don’t want anyone to know they can swim – how insane is that? Some swingers do not play at home because they don’t want their neighbors to know what they’re doing… but they’ve already assumed that you’re fucking and, yep, depending on a few things, they may know it for a fact. If, however, you play elsewhere, do you think the neighbors don’t notice that every weekend, you’re not at home, that you often come home at some weird time of day or night? Or, if you do entertain at home, do you really think they can’t figure out what’s going on when they see a strange car in your driveway, see the people go in… and notice when they leave? Oh, yeah, and they notice that these “visitors” ain’t related to you so they don’t have a reason for spending the night at your house?
It’s really not that hard to figure out because, as my mother informed me, the more you try to hide something, the easier it is to figure out what you’re hiding. Okay, you might sneak off to the no-tell motel for a hook-up… but who might have seen you go in there? Fact is, you don’t know – there’s no way for you to know. You take your act on the road, safely away from home, work, family, etc., but how do you know that, say, one of your neighbors might be in the same place for different reasons? Someone that knows you – but you don’t know them – could see you and the other couple hanging out at Denny’s and put two and two together.
In this, it’s the explanation I gave my children when they got busted trying to bag school which is, simply, they didn’t know the people I know that knows them. The moral of that story – and even the one I’m blogging about – is that you never know who will see you doing whatever – and you might not know them… but they know you… and people talk.
My thought is like this: Is it really a matter of who knows what you’re up do? It’s really a matter of whether or not it makes a difference to you if someone else knows – and this is what swingers either don’t get or are terribly afraid of. One couple that tried to hook up with us was so paranoid it wasn’t funny. On their site profile, there was very little information because they were worried about someone finding them on a swinging site; they only wanted to meet someplace neutral away from where they lived… but not where we live – and on a particular day and at a particular time – and the encounter could only go on for a certain amount of time… and all because they didn’t want anyone to know. They wanted a phone number for us… but wouldn’t give us one and even insisted that if they called us, we had to turn off our caller ID when they emailed us to tell us they were going to call on a specific day and at a specific time – and then the conversation had to be kept short. What, did they think the NSA would be listening in?
As ridiculous as this sounds, a lot of swingers behave in such a fashion. Indeed, swingers spend more time worrying about their image than they do working on getting laid in the lifestyle. One couple told us that discretion was supremely important – yes, that’s exactly what they said – because of their standing in the community and the high-profile jobs they had. It led me to ask them that if they were so worried about this, why were they in the lifestyle? It seems to me that if someone finding out about this could ruin you, um, don’t do it, right? Here’s the punchline: They told us that they couldn’t figure out why they were having such a hard time playing with other people, nor could they figure out why no one would agree to their terms. Hmm, I wonder why…?
Could it be that the more you try to hide something the less able you are to do something? And then, when you go to great lengths to hide something, someone will, invariably, figure out what it is you’re hiding?
It’s just too fucking funny…