I was checking out Cinnamon’s advice blog (and one I’m an author on a well) and my eyes spied a little banner that said, “How to turn your wife into a swinger” and a link I’m guessing gives some advice in that direction and my first thought was, “Why would anyone want to do that?” No, I’m not saying that it’s impossible to do and it probably gets suggested a lot these days and when I think about the buzz saw you could run face-first into by asking girlfriend if she wants to do it, you can see why that question popped into my head.
Once upon a time, when you got married, you “settled down,” which mostly meant you stopped running around like a hormone-crazed individual and start being a model member of society or as officials have been heard to say during some wedding ceremonies, it’s time to put away childish things and start acting like adults. One of the reasons why I tend to look at traditional marriages as a construct that doesn’t quite work the way it used to is that it can be seen that people don’t really settle down (lots do) nor do they pack up their hormones and put them on a shelf in that sex might be a lot of things – but it ain’t childish; one’s behavior is a different kettle of fish.
I’m fully aware of the reasons why people decide to swing; either someone ain’t getting enough booty – but cheating isn’t worth the problems it causes – or people who have settled down in their relationship discover that, hey, we’ve been doing great… but something’s missing.
On the various sites we belong to, you see this question asked a lot by men and whenever I see it, I get the distinct impression that he wants to dive in but is also afraid to bring it up to the missus because she might rip his head off and shit down his neck for even thinking about that. When I’ve been asked about the lifestyle, I’ll give them my thoughts about it along with asking why the person wanted to do this and, depending on what I know about the both of them, I usually suggest that they not even go there because, these days, stepping into that particular pool can be likened to cutting yourself in various places and going for a swim in shark-infested waters; you might get out alive but with chunks of yourself missing and you might not survive it at all.
I recall a moment when a bunch of us were sitting around talking, our heads all down in the gutter and one guy mentioned swapping. At that moment, I looked around and saw the faces of the men present light up like the proverbial Christmas tree while most women got this look on their faces that suggested that this wouldn’t be a smart thing to bring up, let alone do. As the guy continued to talk, I observed everyone around me and saw one woman paying close attention to the speaker, which told me that, at the least, she’d consider it.
There’s a thing in the lifestyle that says that it’s driven by women – but that’s not entirely true because most of the people you see on websites are guys looking for extra coochie but they know that unless the missus gives the high sign, it’s window-shopping only. It’s not that all women don’t want to get laid – they do. Women are a lot more “funny” about giving it up to different people than men are and, of course, when you marry them, the whole idea is to not go screwing around in the literal sense.
In that discussion I mentioned, the guy turned to his wife and began laying down his rationale for this, pointing at me and the then-wife to say, “If they can do it, we can too!” which I knew wasn’t going to be well-accepted – but girlfriend sat there and listened while everyone else was sitting on the edge of their seats and waiting for the execution to start. Now, I will admit that, to a certain degree, his logic was flawless and he was on a roll right up to the point where she looked at him and asked, “What, I’m not enough for you?”
It didn’t matter what he said after that and I sensed that not only had she made up her mind about this, she had pretty much stopped listening to what was still a rather logical and compelling discourse by her husband. He ran out of things to say and you could see his wife had been sitting there loading up her verbal mini-gun and the moment he stopped talking by saying, “What do you think, baby?” – she pretty much cut him in half and stomped on the pieces that remained.
No one wants to be told, directly or indirectly, that they’re unskilled or stingy when it come to making whoopee. That a lot of people are isn’t the point; if I am, I don’t wanna hear about it, okay? While the wife was cutting loose on him similar to that scene in “Predator” when Bill Duke’s character started defoliating the jungle with a mini-gun – and I love that scene, by the way – I understood he was looking at it as a way to spice up their relationship, she took it as her being inadequate. They wound up leaving and she had already loaded up her third ammo pack and was using her full firing rate on the way out – and we all felt sorry for him.
There was a moment of embarrassed silence and I broke it by asking a rhetorical question: “What did he think she was gonna do when he suggested that to her?” While everyone agreed that the guy’s logic was sound and almost impeccable, one woman said that even though it made sense, there’s no way in hell that she would even think about doing something like that and her reasoning for this actually had nothing to do with being married – it was about self-respect.
Women are really touchy about this and it’s something that makes men insane because some women want to draw the attention and likes the idea of men being attracted to them… and they don’t like it all at the same time. Women are taught in their early development that giving it up to anyone who asks for it is not a good thing for them to do and that they should really save themselves for Mr. Right, be in love with the guy, all that good stuff. Women have reasons for putting the goodies on lock-down, don’t they? And if you understand this, why would you ask your woman to become a swinger? Even if it sounds like a good idea to them, that self-respect thing kicks in, she grabs the mini-gun, and then defoliates you for having the audacity to suggest that she willingly climb in bed with another man.
Yes, some women will say, “Okay, let’s go for it and see what happens!” That’s usually the moment where homeboy realizes that he’s got some insecurity issues to deal with because it’s one thing to sit down with your lady and talk about how you feel about someone else playing on your course – and it’s something very different to see her do it. So, in a way, it’s not that a guy asks that question: It’s a question of whether or not he’s grown up enough to hear the answer on top of understanding something about women in that if you even suggest to her anything that sounds like you’re not satisfied with her, you’re dead meat and even when the initial drama winds down, she will, in all probability, never forgive you for stepping to her like that.
If you look at it from her point of view, that’s some fucked up shit to put on the table – it’s a direct insult to them and doesn’t do much to keep her impressions about you all nice and shiny, either. In her mind, you’re telling her you’d rather go fuck some stranger than to have sex with her and this is on top of the fact that, for whatever reasons, she’s not giving it up to you as much as either of you would like. It implies that you are unhappy with her, even if she knows she’s given you reason to be that way – but she’d rather things be like that and you do something about it that doesn’t involve another man raiding her refrigerator.
It’s not that she doesn’t like getting laid – it’s all about the way she looks at herself. Women do find that they can do this and not lose one ounce of respect for themselves and that her man even respects her a whole lot more for giving it a shot because, as I’ve said, this thing ain’t for the faint of heart or those folks with more insecurities than Campbell’s has beans.
I think women say yes to this because (a) it’ll get them laid more often, (b) their self-respect and esteem are rock solid, (c) they trust their guy to keep them safe in this, (d) it makes sense if some spicing is needed and (e) she knows their relationship is practically bulletproof or, ain’t no dick that good that’ll make me leave you or wreck what we have.
That whole thing about keeping only unto yourselves, while time-honored and the way it’s supposed to be, really doesn’t work for some folks. They do love and need each other very much and when they’ve exhausted all of the things they can do with each other, it’s time for something new and different. It’s why I tell people that unless your relationship is rock-solid and neither of you have a lot of insecurities about each other, well, give it a shot with the knowledge that it might not happen right off the bat and that your actual experiences may be very different from what you thought before the fact.
Due to the stroke I had, I know I have some gaps in my memory but one of the things I do remember was how I felt the first time I saw my wife getting nailed by some other guy – I wanted to commit murder and in a very grisly way and more so since she was enjoying it. But, I also realized a couple of heartbeats later that this was the whole point; doesn’t make a lot of sense to do this and not have fun doing it. That first time will test the strength of your relationship like you wouldn’t believe and I think that a lot of men who suggest they get into this knows he’s really not strong enough to overlook his insecurities – so he proposes rules that will put limits on her ability to get out there and have all the fun that’s been advertised. I’m sure women will lay down whatever do’s and don’t’s that will make them happy… but I’m also of a mind to think that her list is way shorter than her man’s.
If you can convince your woman that this is a good thing, my thoughts are that you’d better have a plan in place that’s centered on things being about “us” more than individual concerns. Yes, if they’re happy then, in theory, you get to benefit from that happiness – but this isn’t about making someone happy getting laid as it is about what doing this can positively bring to your relationship – and then be able to see the long view more than concerning one’s self about immediate gratification.
All too often, you see and/or hear of a couple trying this with disastrous results; he or she finds that they have a lot of jealous bones in their body or they see that there partner’s having much more fun with someone else at the controls than they do with them and maybe this happens because someone – maybe the man – thinks it would be fun without taking into consideration their own reactions and some of them you really can’t predict because you might know your partner but you don’t know the other people all that well and, shit, it’s one hell of a crap shoot if you’ve not played the “what if” game to the fullest extent possible.
If you don’t, you’ll find out that women come with mini-guns as standard equipment: You will get shredded. I think that women, more than men, select a guy and says, “Okay, he’ll do” and either works with what she has or finds out otherwise – but will stick with that guy because that’s what she’s supposed to do and not running from bed to bed and taking that chance that some other dude will be able to scratch that itch without opening Pandora’s box… and some women would rather leave it closed and with good reason.
Being in the lifestyle can bring that spice that may be needed especially if there are fantasies to make into reality and that’s provided you can get her to reveal them – and then you don’t get pissed when you learn that some of the doable ones have nothing to do with you, fella. This is probably one of the areas where women will invoke “thinking ain’t the same as doing;” it’s fine if she thinks about doing two guys or exploring the girl thing… but actually doing it? And I wonder if a woman says no to swinging, is she more concerned about herself in this… or the impact it might have on her man? She may be strong enough to deal with stuff… but maybe she knows that he isn’t as strong as he thinks he is? Maybe the concrete that holds the relationship together hasn’t fully cured and set yet so it can’t take the strain being in the life can put on it?
Again, I think this is why people agree to do this – then lay down rules that are designed to prohibit each other from having fun during sex, thereby defeating the whole purpose of what being sexually liberated can bring to the table. You might be able to convince her this is a good thing but if you’re not prepared to deal with the consequences, perhaps you’re better off not asking her about this. Logic will not work as expected because, as I mentioned, she could agree with you all up and down the line about this – and she’ll never consent to do it and it’s because of what she thinks about herself and sex because women tend to be more “one man, one woman” than anything else that logic would be able to suggest. And, sure enough, she’s intuitive enough to see that if y’all get into this, um, you’re not going to like how it all goes down and that’s reason enough to 86 the whole thing; “It sounds good, baby, but I don’t think so…”