I don’t make any bones about my liking being in the swinging lifestyle and taking things deeper than that if that’s what will work to the benefit of all. What gets me about the lifestyle is how clique-ish people can be in this regard, how they build and establish loyalties where such things shouldn’t exist if the lifestyle is “just sex.” I’ve come to kinda/sorta understand just how stupid people can be when it comes to getting laid, especially outside of the established relationship and, more often than not, any problems that crop up in this doesn’t always originate within the relationship – it’s due to outside interference.
That people have varying opinions about being in the life is a given; everyone’s experiences will be different and even more different than you might expect it to be – you just can’t foresee everything. The thought behind some of being in the life is finding people who, as they say, are like-minded in this and that makes sense… until the whole like-minded thing turns in to a lot of divided camps on the subject and starts to nitpick who can fuck who, how it should be done, and other insane shit like that.
While I’ll admit that the Internet has done a lot to get like-minded people together, it seems to have made a “simple” thing like getting laid a lot more difficult that it used to be. Back in the day, hooking up was a lot more personal and face-to-face; there was no such thing as Googling someone or running a background check on them; you just got together and decided if fucking was going to happen or not; if it did, great but if it didn’t, well, okay, keep us in mind and thanks for being interested.
That the Internet allowed swingers to create enclaves to hang out in makes sense; easier to find like-minded people if they’re all congregated in one place – then it’s just a matter of sorting through a target rich environment, almost like shooting fish in a barrel… but not really. Cliques form, like you have the “full swap gang” and the “soft swap crew” going at it as well as the straight folks versus the bisexuals and all that. People form opinions along these lines and, well, that things can get nasty is an understatement. Loyalties to one faction or the other are built and anything or anyone who offends or “attacks” that loyalty is dealt with in what I’d call childish ways… and all because people want to fuck each other.
But that’s kinda expected when you get a bunch of people together who aren’t as like-minded as they think they are. The only thing in common that exists is that, yeah, we like the idea of being able to have sex outside of our relationships; the problem shows up in the execution because now everyone has their own selfish ideas on how this should be done, who it should be done with, and even what can be said – or not said – about it specifically or even generally.
It’s why I’ve said that joining a swinging site is both a good and bad thing to do because if you really want to see humans behaving badly when it comes to sex, well, joining a site is the best way to do this. People on a site will just find ways to fuck up the joys of sex and negotiated infidelity by creating or joining existing factions when, in fact, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to do this and even they find out that, say, joining the “straight” faction winds up being self-defeating. Following that particular mindset can and will make you miss out on a lot of great sex because of a group prejudice. It always amazes me that swingers on a site will always claim to not be prejudiced… but they really are and it covers a whole lot of things that shouldn’t exist and only serves to get in the way of getting laid.
Should one’s political views get in the way of getting your rocks off? You’d think that it wouldn’t… but it does. Do people join sites and collect enemies as well as friends? You bet your ass that happens and when you figure out why this happens, well, I know I see it as people behaving badly over something that, at least on paper, is a simple thing to do, like passing notes in school – do you want to fuck, yes or no – circle one and give the note back.
You’d think that being in the life is about satisfying one’s desires for sex… and that’s not the whole truth and, again, not as simple as you might expect it to be if everyone is supposed to be of the same mind about it. It appears to be sex just for the sake of being able to do it… but it isn’t because, duh, even people in the lifestyle aren’t as like- or open-minded as they think they are – the whole thing is a sham and an illusion and the reality underneath it is one gigantic clusterfuck because people are just so damned picky about it.
As I’ve often said, on a swinging site, it’s not about the sex you can have – it’s about the sex you want to have and all the things that people will do to make sure sex doesn’t happen. It’s a stupid way to behave when you stop to think about it. Yes, you can make a lot of friends this way, even if having sex with them is undoable for some reason, like you live in Ohio and they live in Texas… but part of the swinging experience is about developing those friendships and being able to share, if nothing else, the desire to experience sex via negotiated infidelity… but to be able to explore the possibilities without someone getting pissed off behind it.
It takes something that, at least in my opinion, should be a no-brainer and turns it into something as complicated as orbital mechanics – it does become rocket science. It winds up being like this simply because we really aren’t as like-minded about this as we say we are and a lot of people lack vision and focus when it comes to this sexual avenue, turning the desire for such sex into some weird sort of sexual politics… and that happens mostly because they don’t have anything better to do, like making it easier to get laid in the first place. My thoughts have always been that if people on a site spent more time getting laid, they wouldn’t spend as much time causing problems on the various sites that exist – it’s just a stupid way to be… but it is what one should expect in this.
Everyone wants to do it and, yeah, it can be a lot of fun… but I guess some folks think that making it difficult to do is the best way to accomplish their goal. Doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Bashing folks because of who they associate with – and that’s kinda based on their views of having sex and all that – doesn’t make any sense either. It’s a given that we all don’t have the same opinions about any aspect of doing it and that’s because of the very obvious fact that we are all different people with different experiences and the like.
Some folks get on a site and adopt an attitude, usually for or against something, then get together with people who think like they do and then defend the position to, say, not have sex if a bisexual male is involved, standing on their God-given right to refuse sex for any reason they care to state. Then again, a lot of these same people are also the ones sitting around and wondering why they’re not getting any action or why a couple who looked promising just upped and disappeared on them – and they did so because their loyalties to some other school of thought – or even a person – got offended.
It’s such a petty way to behave and is one of the reasons I’d tell anyone thinking about doing this to consider not doing it… or to try to get into this without joining one of the many websites that exist. If you do, yeah, you can be successful while avoiding the constant drama that exists… but you also might find yourself getting caught up in it and, sure enough, it will get in the way of what you want to do about this.
Once upon a time, I gave some serious thought to creating a site of my own from the ground up. The technical side of it wouldn’t be that difficult, given my skill set and all that… but when I thought about membership management, well, it wasn’t hard to see that this aspect would be very difficult to keep a handle on and mostly because people have the right to say whatever they feel needs to be said no matter if it’s bad or harmful to others. There’s not a whole lot that can be done to keep this behavior down to a dull roar; then the masses get pissed because you’ve gone “Big Brother” on them and, in effect, wind up having to censure things that are being said. Nah, it’s too much of a logistical headache because you don’t want or need all this drama on your site – and there’s no sure way to prevent it without someone feeling that their rights are violated – fuck whatever your Terms of Service says; they will be summarily ignored.
I’ve often been chastised on the sites whenever I mention the good old days of the swinging lifestyle. Back then, it was a lot more personal; you had to make contact and do more face-to-face negotiating and a lot of times, it was just as simple as asking, “Do you want to fuck?” and without having to take into consideration who they might be friends with or what their political views are. It was just a lot more simple compared to what you have to go through today.
The “modern” swingers scoff at this… and maybe because it was too simple for them and not tailored to their specific needs, desires, prejudices, etc. I’m not saying or suggesting that such things aren’t important… I am saying that all that does is complicate things. It’s like people want to know if the sex is going to be good before they actually do it… and when you think about that, it’s kinda silly because there’s only one way to determine that – get naked and do it.
But all the cliques, factions, and opposing points of view serve to diminish the joy of having sex, the “legality” of it all notwithstanding. It’s good to have your mind in the gutter about this and not being all that concerned about the dumb shit that can crop up. Just fucking do it and if it was good, do it again; if not, okay, can’t please everyone, but who’s next? Who wants or needs some extra stuff?
Politics shouldn’t matter; sexuality shouldn’t matter, who your friends might be in this doesn’t matter; only the sex should matter and it continues to amaze me all the things people will do to get it… while trying their level best not to allow it to happen. Not only do they attempt to hold others to their selfish standards but they will also go out of their way to undermine the sensibilities of others and by any means necessary – and all because they can’t see eye-to-eye about this.
Go figure… and, by the way, just because I’m ranting and raving about this doesn’t mean that if you’re thinking about being in the lifestyle, you shouldn’t do it – I strongly suggest that despite anything I might say about it, you keep your own counsel and make your own decisions about how you want to go about being in the life. You don’t have to join a website but all that means is that you’ll have to work a little harder to get what you’re looking for. But, if you’re like me and have little or no patience/tolerance for stupid shit, don’t join a swinging site unless you really like looking at people behaving badly.