Over the last few days, I’ve been working on a lifestyle “problem” that, in that grand scheme of things, doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Well, it does when you think about how insane some people behave when there’s sex – or the potential for sex – involved. I personally find it bothersome but it also exposes a side of the swinging lifestyle that, if I were a newbie and thinking about becoming one of these “special” people, ah, I’d think not twice but maybe ten times before jumping off this particular cliff.
Of course, I understand the complexities of things like friendship and loyalty, just as I understand how it’s possible to do these noble things and, at some point, wind up making a few enemies of the people you’re supposed to be friends with. Is it defending one’s friends that can cause this… or is it simply playing out one’s own agenda by doing and saying things that will discredit a friend so that you can curry favor from someone else?
While I cannot get into any specifics about this, the whole thing had me thinking about something I happened to be reminded of while my baby was working on her bachelor’s in criminal justice: Elitism or, in this context and for the purposes of this blog, “My dick is bigger than yours!” From time to time, I’ll sit down at the keyboard and do a little ranting and raving about swinging websites and while you have the impression that swingers are a bunch of sex-starved, hedonistic individuals looking to screw everything moving, on a website, there’s a lot of political shit going on and a class system seems to settle onto something that, in my opinion, would be better off without.
You just have this thing where some people on a website has it in their heads that they are better than some of the other members of the same site. They get more booty, their way of doing things is the prevalent and premier way to swing and the opinions of others means little to them; if you manage to show them up – and that’s not all that hard to do if you understand the mindset I’m referring to – then they go from being all pompous and hoity-toity to some really vindictive people in the amount of time it takes me to finish this sentence (about three or four seconds).
That’s when the smear campaigns get going on the site forums; lies are told, confidences are betrayed, secrets laid bare to the light and related indiscriminately to anyone who’ll care to listen to them, agree with the doer of this shit, and join them in a righteous battle against those who dared to challenge their supposed greatness as an elite of the site. My question is simply, what the fuck for?
It’s a stupid way for people to behave and, to an outsider, it shows a lack of like- and open-mindedness as well as a sense that we’re not as all-together in this as the hype says we are. Yes, on a swinging site, it is one good-sized community… but it’s also one that has many lines of division and it doesn’t take long to join a site, access its forums, and see where the lines are drawn as well as displays of behavior that remind me of when I was back in elementary school.
I think one of the reasons why I find this both fascinating and bothering is that I’ve been in the lifestyle for over thirty-some-odd years and, in some cases, I was doing this before a lot of the “elite” swingers were even born and certainly longer than some of the older ones. To them, I’m old school and from the time period when swinging – wife-swapping – was a new thing suburbanites did when they got bored… but there’s an advantage in being old school in that I get to see things today that are, by and large, a huge slap in the face to the swinger’s mantra of, “It’s just sex.” In other words, it’s really a well-conceived lie because while you can engage fellow site members for sex, there’s a lot more going on than trying to put A into B, C, and D.
I think it begins with the concept of like-mindedness which, taken at face value, connotes the sense of everyone thinking the same or along similar lines… and that ain’t even close to being the truth. The only like-minded thing in this regard is that everyone on a site wants to be (or already is) a swinger and, duh, we’re there to get laid – and it breaks down like rice paper in water after that because everyone has their own idea of what being a swinger is about. There are so many factions on any given swinging site – and so much shit being flung around – it makes running for public office look tame by comparison. You have the straight folks, who are, admittedly, the majority; you have the bisexuals, the group I call the HWP gang, the lurkers – those are the folks who just lay back in the cut like voyeurs – the flakes and fakes, the full swap contingent as well as the soft swap crew; the club goers and the house party people, as well as a few really minority-like groups, like the BDSM and interracial groups and the bareback and condom-only factions.
That sex winds up being rather well represented is actually a good thing because it can be said that there’s something for everyone in this; it just all goes straight to hell when you figure out who the major players are once you start peeping the forums and, if you’re like me, you get to see that elite crew in action. Oh, yeah, they’ve done this and that, have “powerful” friends in the lifestyle and maybe even are buddy-buddy with whomever is running the site that they’re on and that’s all well and good. But what you also see is that these same people have this “my way or no way” attitude about being in the lifestyle and, thus, while some of them will say that it’s about what you wanna do and all that, on the other side of the keyboard and monitor, well, they ain’t too happy with your ass and, yep, you gotta be dealt with because you’re just not getting with their program.
How do you get to be part of the elite? Well, the easiest way to do it is to join a site and start posting in the forums in a reasonable, responsible and adult manner. Do it like that often enough and you can become one of the major players in a site’s forums and earn the respect of the others. The other way to do it is to just go in there and start kissing the asses of the major players, sucking up to them and giving them the false illusion that their view of the lifestyle is the way to do it. To further aid in this, find all of the people who don’t like your favorite major player, befriend them, get them to speak out against your master… then run back to them and rat your new friends out – then sit back and giggle insanely as the elite gird their loins for battle on and off the forums against those who dare to speak out against them.
Almost sounds downright medieval, doesn’t it? Feudal lords and their serfs, fill up the moat, and protect our “superior” vision of the lifestyle while taking the site’s forums in the direction they want it to go, like making it in their image and all that. These folks, for some reason, just have to establish their dominance over the other members… and that just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. They think they’re right in all things swinging and even though they will tell you otherwise, if you’re not with them, you’re against them.
And if this isn’t quite ringing a bell with you, just think about the politics you probably see at work – and then you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Really kinda insane to see that the quest for sex can be so, um, politically driven, huh? It really isn’t as simple as sending an email to a couple and asking them if they wanna get down.
The elite feel – as elites often do – that everything they do is right. They can be very rude and inconsiderate while extolling their position that they do not have to explain themselves to anyone. Common courtesy means nothing to them and I’ve found that a lot of them tend to be really good at smiling in your face… while slipping the knife into you, preferably from the back – and all because you don’t agree with the way they handle themselves and lifestyle things in the forums. They feel that they are at the very top of the swinging food chain and quite untouchable.
For someone like me who gets a kick out of watching people being people, oh, it is so educational! It’s often funny as much as it is depressingly sobering to see people who are supposedly into the same thing behave like snarling beasts fighting for that last scrap of food. If you can get your head around the principles of “it’s just sex,” well, you can see how this behavior is so counterproductive and, ultimately, damaging to people who are seen as not being amongst the elite on a site.
What kinda escapes me at some point is why this behavior exists. It’s so complex in its nature that even I have to simplify it and say, “Well, lack of pussy makes motherfuckers crazy!” because nothing else seems to make a whole lot of sense. At least from my point of view, sucking up and kissing the elites’ asses ain’t gonna get them any sex – and especially from them – I just don’t see the up-side of being a two-faced, ass-kissing backstabber who’d turn on their real friends in the life just to make themselves appear worthy to be one of the site’s elite.
On another blog that I contribute things do about the life, I’ve said to any newbies that might visit that while joining a website does have some benefits – it’ll at least put you in touch with swingers in your area – it’s also one of the worst things you can do, especially if you can’t tolerate people behaving very badly in the pursuit of getting some nookie. I’ve said to them that if they wanna see people at their worst, join a swinging site and go to the forums and start reading.
Are you bisexual? Go to your forums and mention that and how much you like being a bisexual… and find out what the membership thinks of that, especially when the straight majority – who also comprise the majority of the elites – takes your preference for sex and makes you feel as if you’ve been doing it all wrong and that being straight when it comes to fucking is the only way to be in the lifestyle.
Into a little BDSM or have some other kind of fetish? Do you prefer soft-swapping over doing the whole nine yards? Like a particular club? Friends with an owner of that club? Say something about it and find out what happens. You’d probably find that your preference gets bashed more than those who would agree that your way is a cool way to get your cookies crumbled. Like hair on a coochie? Oops… I hope your feelings are not easily damaged. Like sex with people who are, say, over 200 pounds? If you’re a BBW or BBM – that’s Big Beautiful Woman or Man, respectively, put on your flame-retardant body armor because while you have such a positive attitude about yourself, you’ve stepped into the den where a lot of people – those elite motherfuckers – will hate on you just because you weigh 225 or whatever.
Are you not HWP – height and weigh proportionate? Like the top of you doesn’t quite match the bottom or maybe you’re not in the best shape you could be in? Better watch your ass – and then be prepared to have the elite, who all seem to have advanced degrees in human physiology – tell you that you’re a fat, lazy bastard that needs to get off your ass and get in shape – and, oh, because you don’t match their vision of perfection, they’d rather have sex with a dead dog before getting in bed with you.
Are you a single guy trying to hang out in a world dominated by couples? Oh, you are so fucked! Don’t like having sex with Black people or anyone who isn’t white? Well, be prepared to be called a racist no matter how you explain yourself – if you even feel like you have to defend your position. Are you over the age of, say, thirty? Ha, you’d better get your old and decrepit ass down to the old folks home before you have a heart attack or something. Are you “in denial” about your sexuality? Prepare to get your head handed to you on that one. Out in the open about it – and you’re not a woman? Oh, you are just so wrong, you pervert!
Coming down the home stretch here and the worst of the behavior: Are you friends with someone who has a reason to dislike another of your friends? I see a lot of this, just as I’ve seen friends turning against each other in some rather destructive ways as their loyalties get misplaced… and for what? I’ve seen friends get themselves all caught up in the middle of some pretty heinous shit as the two friends who don’t like each other try to get the support of the friend who likes both of them – it’s some pretty fugly shit to be caught in the middle; which friend do you support? Who’s side are you on? How the fuck did you wind up in this mess to begin with? You’re likely to wind up making an enemy of a friend but it doesn’t stop there – it’ll snowball because friends of that friend will now turn on you like a pack of rabid dogs… and then it’s cluster fuck time. It will be raining shit for more than forty days and forty nights… and for what?
This, dear readers, is what I get (but don’t get) is what’s the benefit here. Is there one? Is your quest for sex in the lifestyle so important that you have to put your personal character on the line in the pursuit of a piece of ass? Is getting some tail worth assassinating the character of someone you once called friend? Or is your view of being in the lifestyle so elitist in nature that you don’t really have any friends but just a shit load of people you’d not only fuck but then stab them in the back whenever it suits your purposes?
Then how do you feel when you destroy what was once a good friendship in order to curry favor with someone else – and they kick you to the curb – and all because they see that if you stabbed one friend in the back, you could just as easily do it to them?
It’s really quite sad to see this behavior in a lifestyle where we’re all supposed to get along with each other and for a singular purpose – to have sex and to have fun doing it.