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Either-Or

13 Sep

This is one of my pet peeves when talking to some folks about being bisexual and, yes, I’m still talking about this!  I was doing my author thing on Cinnamon’s swinging advice site and I was reminded of this peeve and got inspired to write this.  Okay, we’ve been through the whole “Bisexuals Exist!” thing, which was good for a laugh if nothing else, but there’s this general perception that bugs the shit out of me:  People who are not bisexual think that being bi is an either/or thing for us.  I got the thought that the reason for this is some attempt to stuff us into the straight or gay boxes and overlooking the obvious… that we like, in one form or another, both sexes.

It’s not either/or – it’s both.  It implies that we should – not could, mind you – do one thing or the other and that our capacity and ability to want and/or do both is discounted.  I see this a lot when talking to other swingers, especially those straight folks who want a crack at us and assume that because we’re both bisexual, it’s an either/or type of thing for us or, “Since you’re bi, that means you can go either way, right?”

Yes… and no.  In this, we get peeved because they seem to ignore the statement in our profile that we want to do both and it was put there to avoid any, uh, confusion about what we want to do and how we want to do it.  But I’ve also seen this outside the lifestyle as well and I can’t help but think that this is some unconscious attempt to, again, put bisexuals in one box or the other and keep us there.

I’m sure that the practicing bisexuals out there have heard this many times:  “Do you prefer men or women?”  I hear it a lot and my answer is always, “Yes.”  I also love the look on their faces when I answer like that, by the way.  Even in asking that question, that’s an either/or kind of thing and, again, suggesting that we have to have a singular preference and totally ignoring the fact that we can go both ways.

I’ve heard questions like, “If you had a choice between a man and a woman, which one would you take first?”  Again, it’s limiting; it’s “forcing” a choice between one box or the other.  My answer usually is, “That depends on how I’m feeling at the moment.”  I will further baffle them by saying, “I might go for the woman first… but I wouldn’t say no to the dick!”  And, yes, I’ve been known to reverse that answer only because it’s true and sticks to my original, default answer to this:  Depends on how I’m feeling.

It’s not men or women… it’s men and women – it’s inclusive.  I used to ask myself why some people didn’t understand this but then I kinda figured it out and instead of getting angry, it does make me roll my eyes and even laugh because they don’t get the distinction here.  Instead of us dealing with sexual doors that only open one way, ours is more like a revolving door, to put it like that.

To the budding bisexuals out there, my advice to you (if you wanna call it that) is to not let your peers try to stuff you into one box or the other; to the not-so-budding bisexuals, if you can laugh at it, this works and, hell, who knows, maybe you can enlighten someone who has that either/or mentality about bisexuals?

Another question:  “Does it make a difference?”  My answer:  “No; should it?”  I mean, really, if I’ve told you that I’m bi, the fact that it doesn’t make a difference is implied here.  The questions sometimes calls for a crude, if not effective, answer at times:  I like pussy and dick.  Now, a legitimate question or questions would be along the lines of how much I like dick and, oddly enough, any questions on how much I like pussy are instantly moot – haven’t quite figured that one out but I think that’s because since I’m a guy, pussy is assumed to be my default choice and, of course, the only guys who don’t like pussy are gay men (as far as I know).

It’s kinda nuts to know that, yeah, we can swing both ways… then “insist” that there’s some preferred order involved.  Folks attempt to quantify this by pointing to the number of times you have bi sex versus the number of times you have straight sex and while this is kinda telling in some ways, frequency has nothing to do with it.

As I’ve said a few times here of late, this either/or thing is Sith thinking – it’s an absolute; bisexuals don’t act this way and they sure as hell don’t think that way.  Perhaps this is because, as another blogger put it, society doesn’t want bisexuals to exist but since we do, we have to be given the choice between one or the other; we’re to choose between being straight or gay even when it’s clear that we choose to be both and neither in our thinking and doing – how hard is this to figure out and, more, how hard is this to understand?

Now to be honest, we do kinda make a choice in our heads when we get horny along the lines of what we’re horny for at that moment.  To that end, you could call that an either/or thing – but it’s one based more on availability than anything else.  There are times when I get horny for dick and that’s what would satisfy  me… but if there’s pussy available, okay, that’ll work and vice versa.  You could call it an either/or thing simply because, unlike straights or gays, we have a choice in a sexual partner… but it’s not really an either/or thing because if either is available – or can be made available – at that moment, well, someone’s going to get turned out either way, huh?

For a lot of us, it’s not a thing of us liking men in the same way that we’d like women; it’s about the sex we can have and, indeed, a lot of the more “modern” bisexuals don’t like, say, men, anymore than what’s necessary to get into their underwear.  To this end, I think both straights and gays tend to look at this in terms of having a relationship and, yeah, while this is possible and does happen, for the most part, having a relationship in the traditional sense with a member of the same sex isn’t usually on the menu and if it is, it’s strictly for the purpose of getting each other off and has nothing to do with romance.

Another question:  “Why do you feel you must have both?”  My answer: “Because I do – are you suggesting that I shouldn’t?”  Is there any benefit in being either straight or gay?  Maybe there is… but, duh, bisexuals don’t think so; otherwise, we probably wouldn’t be bisexuals, huh?  My other answer to this question:  “Why should I put limits on my sexual pleasure?”

The answer to this one is easy:  Because society and our morality says I should put those limits in place – and it’s an answer I don’t accept.  It says that I should put the responsibility for my sexual happiness and pleasure in one place or the other and just make one gender bear the burden in this… and that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me if, ultimately, I’m responsible for making myself happy when it’s time to get naked and all that.

So, no:  Either/or doesn’t work for me in this nor does it work for other bisexuals.  When you get right down to it, it’s about having options that straights and gays don’t have or want to exercise – and that’s fine… just stop trying to drag us into either of these boxes when we clearly don’t want to be there.

My roommate in the Air Force was gay and, in private, made no bones about it.  It didn’t take long for us to become lovers and that was fine.  One night, I came back to the apartment we shared off-base from a date with a woman and he got pissed about it – well, even more pissed I should say – because I came home smelling like coochie.  We wound up having a literal fight about it (which he lost badly) and as I patched up his battle damage, I asked him what the big deal was and more so since he knew I went both ways.  His answer, which I had expected to be one based on possessiveness, was anything but – he felt that I should give up going both ways in favor of just being gay because to him, nothing else made any sense.

He even gave me an ultimatum:  It was either dick or pussy and I couldn’t have both because, yeah, he wanted me all to himself but, again, felt that I should be gay.  For me, it was the first time I’d ever run into this mindset… and it allowed me to see it in other people I eventually wound up meeting.  And, if you’re wondering, I told my roommate that I wasn’t going to accept his ultimatum and he didn’t speak to me for a week… but we did “kiss and make up.”  The “funny” thing here is that he didn’t accept my rejection of his ultimatum because my being bi made sense to him – he accepted it because he didn’t want me to whip his ass again; you really shouldn’t pick a fight with someone with two black belts in two martial arts and who has a nasty temper…

This either/or frame of mind makes it hard to talk to straight or gay folks who can accept us being bi because we really don’t have a complete and shared frame of reference; imagine trying to explain to a gay guy why you like pussy and you’ll see what I’m talking about here.  Like, I can talk to gay guys about sex with men but if I mention coochie, I can see them tuning me out because they’ve either never had some of that stuff or they have some innate hatred along those lines.

Maybe the mindset exists because it’s simpler to be one way or the other?  I’ve learned over the years not to get totally irate over having either/or tossed at me… but it’s still one of my pet peeves.

 
11 Comments

Posted by on 13 September 2011 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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11 responses to “Either-Or

  1. Lafemmeroar

    13 September 2011 at 20:40

    I’m as straight as a plank board, but I’ve often wondered about bisexuality because I had this notion of how awesome it would be to find sexual joy in both sexes. Now for my question: Was your roommate upset because you had sex with a woman or was he upset because you had sex with some one else?

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      13 September 2011 at 23:23

      First, thanks for your candid comments! I believe it was both… but it was his “hatred” for women that pissed him off the most. Some of the things he was saying about women and pussy were funny to me coming from someone who never even looked at a pussy before, let alone try to do anything with it. I understood that his “hatred” for the female form was behind it but my point was simply, “Well, if you don’t like pussy it doesn’t mean I have to stop liking it!” That’s when he took a swing at me. For comparison, we had some of his gay friends over and they thought it would be cute to take turns sucking me to see who could make me pop my cork… and he didn’t have a single qualm about his friends treating me like I was a pinata.

      We were in the NCO club one night (way before the fight happened), just hanging out, when a woman I knew – and not carnally – stopped by where we were sitting, asked how I was doing, etc. After she went about her business, my roommate just kinda lost it – and all because she suggested that if I wasn’t doing anything the next day, we could hook up. I should have seen it then but, well, too many rum and cokes will make you not see stuff because on our way back to our apartment, he kept ranting and raving about “nasty titties, stinking hair-covered slime pits between their legs” and so forth.

      It just baffled the hell out of me how someone who, if only in private, was definitely feminine and had such disdain for women and even more so when it came to things sexual. To tie this all up for ya, it is possible to find sexual joy in both sexes and more so if you were to really get with the right people and you’re not the first straight guy I’ve heard express wonderment about it. And, to be honest, most straight guys who take the plunge usually do it via a blowjob and, being equally honest, the only reason why you wouldn’t like it is if you didn’t like getting your dick sucked – but that’s a slightly biased opinion on my part.

      If you have other questions, please don’t hesitate to ask them!

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      • Lafemmeroar

        14 September 2011 at 03:41

        Well … I’m not a guy and getting a blow job would require some genital “rearranging.” lol

        It seems that your friend’s issue with a woman (and this is my dimenstore analysis on the issue) is because he wants to be a woman. It kind of like the idea that the biggest protestors against gays have homo-proclivities they’re closeting. I think some hormone shots and some genital rearranging would settle your friend’s issues with the female race. He’ll have a reverence for vagina he never knew existed …

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        14 September 2011 at 12:32

        Oops – my apologies! Just exchange “coochie” for “dick” and the same initiation is true for ladies even though I’ve always said that women handle bisexuality a lot better than men do. I came to a similar conclusion about his angst where women were concerned – took me a few years, though. At that time, I really hadn’t been exposed to many gay men; the ones I was used to seeing were of the flashy, swishy variety but I also learned that in California – where I was stationed – not all gay men were swishy and, of course, since he was in the military, he had good reason to hide his identity. He and his family were rich enough that if he wanted to get, ah, rearranged, they could afford it. Still, he was the guy who got me to wondering how someone could so despise something he never had; I knew some guys who had tried pussy and either didn’t like it or couldn’t get the hang of dealing with the person attached to it or just had a very bad experience and decided to give up on it… but my roommate didn’t fit in these categories.

        He wasn’t traumatized, his mother, who I met, didn’t sissify him and he got along well with his father; he just kinda decided for himself that he hated women and that being gay was the way to go… and it was the only way to be… until he met me. I’d hook up with a woman and he’d try to get me to pretty much scour myself clean to rid me of the woman’s scent… and I wasn’t hearing any of that but I found his behavior funny most of the time until, of course, he wanted to make a federal case out of the whole deal. I honestly can say that he was the guy responsible for me being unable to easily tolerate that ultra-feminine behavior some gay men have.

        By comparison, I later had a loving relationship with another gay man and it didn’t bother him one bit that I’d have sex with my wife; his thought was, “‘As long as I’m getting mine, it doesn’t matter!” With him, he liked women; he had tried sex with women, somehow got traumatized or maybe even had his mind changed about it and he even thought that my being bisexual was not only cool but convenient – for him, of course. He said to me, “I don’t care if you like both just as long as you’re okay with what I have to offer!” I still had problems getting my head around dealing with a guy who was more emotional than my wife was, though – and I still do despite what my intelligence says. Thank you so very much for your input and you’re cordially invited to put your two cents in at any time and, even though you’re straight, I do hope you get a chance to find out how much fun being bisexual can be!

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        14 September 2011 at 12:32

        Oops – my apologies! Just exchange “coochie” for “dick” and the same initiation is true for ladies even though I’ve always said that women handle bisexuality a lot better than men do. I came to a similar conclusion about his angst where women were concerned – took me a few years, though. At that time, I really hadn’t been exposed to many gay men; the ones I was used to seeing were of the flashy, swishy variety but I also learned that in California – where I was stationed – not all gay men were swishy and, of course, since he was in the military, he had good reason to hide his identity. He and his family were rich enough that if he wanted to get, ah, rearranged, they could afford it. Still, he was the guy who got me to wondering how someone could so despise something he never had; I knew some guys who had tried pussy and either didn’t like it or couldn’t get the hang of dealing with the person attached to it or just had a very bad experience and decided to give up on it… but my roommate didn’t fit in these categories.

        He wasn’t traumatized, his mother, who I met, didn’t sissify him and he got along well with his father; he just kinda decided for himself that he hated women and that being gay was the way to go… and it was the only way to be… until he met me. I’d hook up with a woman and he’d try to get me to pretty much scour myself clean to rid me of the woman’s scent… and I wasn’t hearing any of that but I found his behavior funny most of the time until, of course, he wanted to make a federal case out of the whole deal. I honestly can say that he was the guy responsible for me being unable to easily tolerate that ultra-feminine behavior some gay men have.

        By comparison, I later had a loving relationship with another gay man and it didn’t bother him one bit that I’d have sex with my wife; his thought was, “‘As long as I’m getting mine, it doesn’t matter!” With him, he liked women; he had tried sex with women, somehow got traumatized or maybe even had his mind changed about it and he even thought that my being bisexual was not only cool but convenient – for him, of course. He said to me, “I don’t care if you like both just as long as you’re okay with what I have to offer!” I still had problems getting my head around dealing with a guy who was more emotional than my wife was, though – and I still do despite what my intelligence says. Thank you so very much for your input and you’re cordially invited to put your two cents in at any time and, even though you’re straight, I do hope you get a chance to find out how much fun being bisexual can be!

        Like

         
  2. Lafemmeroar

    14 September 2011 at 12:46

    My goal is straight monogamy … if that really exists. I find you fascinating. Did you wife know you were bisexual? And here’s a confession–I abhor reality shows except for The A-List and the Real L Word. Go figure … I love those shows. The dudes on A are such bitches though … they’re worse than birds on a wire tweeting about the next fly by night …

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      14 September 2011 at 12:53

      It does exist although I stopped being a “fan” of monogamy a long time ago… and I haven’t been straight since I was eight. My wife did know – she thought it was cute and didn’t have a problem with it since she was bisexual as well. Ah, now, I just saw the promos for the A-List New York and Dallas, if I remember, and I said to myself, “Oh, lawd, no…” The thing I can accept is that the prudes running the TV stations are starting to loosen up and put on shows featuring alternative lifestyles and gender identity – they’re growing up and they understand that, yeah, gays watch TV and they buy products and stuff just like everyone else does.

      Fascinating, huh? Well, shucks, ma’am, thank you for that… and you know I’m gonna ask you what fascinates you, right?

      Like

       
  3. Lafemmeroar

    14 September 2011 at 12:56

    Monogamy fascinates me. I’ve never been into polyamory or swinging, but I’ve known people who lived the lifestyle and they were happy with it. It’s just not me …

    On another note–damn I wouldn’t want to butt heads with those A-listers, and they are all sooooooooooooo phony and back stabbing … which is why I just love watching that guilty pleasure

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      14 September 2011 at 14:27

      There’s nothing wrong with monogamy… except it doesn’t work for everyone if the whole thing is about two people being happy with each other forever and ever. For a lot of people, it doesn’t work; it’s too restricting and confining; it hampers personal growth at the least, mandates the direction you are “allowed” to grow in at the worst. Now, the other ways to live aren’t exactly perfect themselves so it’s really about finding the medium that works the best for you. If you can’t be open in a relationship – and I mean really open – then monogamy’s for you… maybe; all depends on the person you’ve decided to do this with and whether or not your can fulfill your dreams and other desires while being on lock-down. Society says that monogamy is the only way to live – and society’s wrong. People like my blogging buddy, John Wilder, advocates monogamy above and beyond anything else and even offers advice on how to achieve and maintain happiness in a monogamous relationship… and it can be done… but it’s limiting and restrictive. Even people I know who are happily monogamous often talk about things that they’ve missed because of monogamy and their regrets are real because, of course, you really can’t be who you can be if you’re prohibited by doctrine to keep only unto yourself.

      But that’s just my take on it. And you wouldn’t be able to get me in a room with those A-Listers; all that posturing and other crap would make me nuts in under a minute…

      Like

       
  4. Foxfur

    18 September 2011 at 16:22

    My wife is straight and I am bi. I came out to her within the last year. I have been a non-practicing bi nearly all my life but never seriously thought the ‘label’ applied to me. It’s amazing just how blind we can be. My wife is genuinely excited for me and encourages me to explore the side of myself that I’ve always denied. Your blog has given me insights not only into ‘the life’ but into myself as well. Thanks for sharing your experience with your Air Force buddy. I too have experienced some pushback from a few gay gentlemen. Not a lot mind you. The overwhelming majority are perfectly accepting and completely tolerant of my sexuality.
    Thanks KD!

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      18 September 2011 at 16:34

      I read what you recently wrote and, well, I not only liked it but could easily identify with your sentiments. I think a lot of bi men get in trouble with being bi because no one bothers to share their experiences so that say, guys like you, can have something to compare their thoughts and feelings to because while actual experience is always nice, being able to make informed decisions in this is even better.

      I don’t have a problem sharing what I’ve experienced over the years, both physically and emotionally because, again, it’s not what we know that can hurt us – it’s what we don’t know along with all the misconceptions and stereotypes so, no, doing my best to clear the air as best I can is one of my missions in life. You got questions? I might just have the answers…

      Like

       

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