Okay, the writing itch is still itchy so I’m still scratching it. A comment Cinnamon made to the first version of this kinda made me answer my own questions… kinda. The key word in this is conscience, that watchdog that lives in everyone’s head and is responsible for us doing whatever version of “right” that’s been implanted, developed, whatever.
So, maybe when one feels that awful feeling, it’s really their conscience busting their ass for breaking some rule that should not have been broken? I mean, it makes sense given that we often refer to one having a guilty conscience and, as Cinn pointed out, a stiff dick or wet pussy having no conscience. Um, good luck trying to decipher this one because you can take what mankind knows about the conscience and put it on the head of a very small pin.
You’re with the old lady and, ya mon, you want to play hide the sausage with her; she gets the hint and, sure, come on and bring it, fella! Now it’s on and it’s all hot and heavy and so damned good… when suddenly, out of nowhere, you get this overwhelming thought that, hmm, I don’t wanna do this. Is this one’s conscience raising the red flag for some reason – and in a situation where there shouldn’t be any red flags?
What the fuck is going on here? Where did that thought/feeling come from? Even better, what the hell happened to make it show up in the first place? Okay, I can see this happening when something, um, amoral might be taking place because our sense of right and wrong does reside within our conscience – and this reminds me to go back and check my response to Cinn to make sure I spelled this right – and, yeah, my conscience reminded me of this. Where was I? Oh, yeah…
Anyway, when we’re doing something that, say, others might frown upon, okay, I can see the flags being raised; whether the signal is accepted or ignored is a bit of a different matter. I mean, you actually can’t ignore it when it shows up – you just kinda set it aside and, yeah this is also that moment when we’re into something that we’ve been “warned” about and we keep on with it, thinking, “Well, I started this so I guess I gotta finish it…”
So when a guy tells me he tried getting with a guy and he didn’t like it – and I’ve heard plenty of guys tell me this so I’m not picking out any one person – I try to find out at what point he decided he didn’t like whatever went on – before, during, or after. Is it significant? Maybe not to others but I think so. Like, one guy I asked about this – and he was gracious about answering – he said that he decided he didn’t like it right after he got a nut; this matched up with what a lot of other guys have told me and, yep, similar to my own experiences. He also told me that he did have some misgivings before the fact – but overrode the objections; he said that during the fact, well, he had mixed feelings that kinda vanished into the background – until he cracked his nuts and the shit hit the fan and, nope, didn’t like it one bit. He summed it up for me by saying that, yeah, misgivings aside, the sex he had was, in fact, good – he got off, which was the whole purpose… but after the fact, well, he found himself wondering why he did it. His comments gave the idea of saying, “It sounded like a good idea at the time, huh?”
Some might say that they’ve never had this happen to them – not gonna dispute it at all. I’m thinking that our ability to justify anything we do kinda plays into this as well and, hell yeah, even the stuff we know we shouldn’t be doing. One might think, “Damn, I shouldn’t have fucked my boy’s girl… but (add the justification here); with justification, guilt (or whatever the fuck that feeling is) goes away and our conscience is happy – guilty with an explanation, Your Honor. Keep in mind that this justification doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else – it just has to make sense to you… and maybe, just maybe, this phenomena happens when we do something and there’s no justification in place – and our conscience jumps up to remind us of this in a very nasty way?
And I could be dead wrong about this, too. I know we often regret something after we do it; I also know that, sometimes, we know that we’re going to regret what we’re about to do… and will sometimes go right ahead and do it… but that’s because the justification has been put in place even if one isn’t aware of it at that moment… and that’s even when we’re not doing anything that goes against the moral code, like very legally giving you wife the high hard one and with her permission and participation.
If this is a sign or warning of something being amiss, well, what’s our conscience trying to tell us when it raises the flag? See, being the really nosy fucker I tend to be, if you didn’t like a thing, okay, tell me what you didn’t like about it but, importantly, tell me: At what point you decided you didn’t like whatever made the flag go up on you and invoke that gut-wrenching feeling we call guilt?
If it was before the fact, um, what made you go on with it? If it was during the fact, ah, why didn’t you just stop what you were doing? If it was after the fact, well, it gets interesting here, doesn’t it? I mean, from the point your conscience raises the flag – and, say, you ignore it – does it stay there and rains on your parade and, thus, making you not like something that was, um, kinda/sorta okay a moment ago?
I don’t pretend to really to understand this crazy thing that I know has messed with me from time to time in my sexual life. Sure, it got my attention and, yup, the whole thing’s feeding into my need to write – but I find it kinda interesting and here’s why: If we’re to understand ourselves when and where sex is concerned, we should not only take notice of such things but being to ask the questions and look for the answers that might explain us to ourselves. Life isn’t just about understanding or doing or even playing some role – it’s also about understand who we are as individuals and the things that make us tick… or makes us feel really fucking guilty.
Okay, maybe there’s no concrete, locked-in-lead answer to this and, if there is, I haven’t seen it yet… doesn’t mean the topic’s off-limits, right?