Before, During, and After: Part 2

11 Nov

Okay, the writing itch is still itchy so I’m still scratching it.  A comment Cinnamon made to the first version of this kinda made me answer my own questions… kinda.  The key word in this is conscience, that watchdog that lives in everyone’s head and is responsible for us doing whatever version of “right” that’s been implanted, developed, whatever.

So, maybe when one feels that awful feeling, it’s really their conscience busting their ass for breaking some rule that should not have been broken?  I mean, it makes sense given that we often refer to one having a guilty conscience and, as Cinn pointed out, a stiff dick or wet pussy having no conscience.  Um, good luck trying to decipher this one because you can take what mankind knows about the conscience and put it on the head of a very small pin.

You’re with the old lady and, ya mon, you want to play hide the sausage with her; she gets the hint and, sure, come on and bring it, fella!  Now it’s on and it’s all hot and heavy and so damned good… when suddenly, out of nowhere, you get this overwhelming thought that, hmm, I don’t wanna do this.  Is this one’s conscience raising the red flag for some reason – and in a situation where there shouldn’t be any red flags?

What the fuck is going on here?  Where did that thought/feeling come from?  Even better, what the hell happened to make it show up in the first place?  Okay, I can see this happening when something, um, amoral might be taking place because our sense of right and wrong does reside within our conscience – and this reminds me to go back and check my response to Cinn to make sure I spelled this right – and, yeah, my conscience reminded me of this.  Where was I?  Oh, yeah…

Anyway, when we’re doing something that, say, others might frown upon, okay, I can see the flags being raised; whether the signal is accepted or ignored is a bit of a different matter.  I mean, you actually can’t ignore it when it shows up – you just kinda set it aside and, yeah this is also that moment when we’re into something that we’ve been “warned” about and we keep on with it, thinking, “Well, I started this so I guess I gotta finish it…”

So when a guy tells me he tried getting with a guy and he didn’t like it – and I’ve heard plenty of guys tell me this so I’m not picking out any one person – I try to find out at what point he decided he didn’t like whatever went on – before, during, or after.  Is it significant?  Maybe not to others but I think so.  Like, one guy I asked about this – and he was gracious about answering – he said that he decided he didn’t like it right after he got a nut; this matched up with what a lot of other guys have told me and, yep, similar to my own experiences.  He also told me that he did have some misgivings before the fact – but overrode the objections; he said that during the fact, well, he had mixed feelings that kinda vanished into the background – until he cracked his nuts and the shit hit the fan and, nope, didn’t like it one bit.  He summed it up for me by saying that, yeah, misgivings aside, the sex he had was, in fact, good – he got off, which was the whole purpose… but after the fact, well, he found himself wondering why he did it.  His comments gave the idea of saying, “It sounded like a good idea at the time, huh?”

Some might say that they’ve never had this happen to them – not gonna dispute it at all.  I’m thinking that our ability to justify anything we do kinda plays into this as well and, hell yeah, even the stuff we know we shouldn’t be doing.  One might think, “Damn, I shouldn’t have fucked my boy’s girl… but (add the justification here); with justification, guilt (or whatever the fuck that feeling is) goes away and our conscience is happy – guilty with an explanation, Your Honor.  Keep in mind that this justification doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else – it just has to make sense to you… and maybe, just maybe, this phenomena happens when we do something and there’s no justification in place – and our conscience jumps up to remind us of this in a very nasty way?

And I could be dead wrong about this, too.  I know we often regret something after we do it; I also know that, sometimes, we know that we’re going to regret what we’re about to do… and will sometimes go right ahead and do it… but that’s because the justification has been put in place even if one isn’t aware of it at that moment… and that’s even when we’re not doing anything that goes against the moral code, like very legally giving you wife the high hard one and with her permission and participation.

If this is a sign or warning of something being amiss, well, what’s our conscience trying to tell us when it raises the flag?  See, being the really nosy fucker I tend to be, if you didn’t like a thing, okay, tell me what you didn’t like about it but, importantly, tell me:  At what point you decided you didn’t like whatever made the flag go up on you and invoke that gut-wrenching feeling we call guilt?

If it was before the fact, um, what made you go on with it?  If it was during the fact, ah, why didn’t you just stop what you were doing?  If it was after the fact, well, it gets interesting here, doesn’t it?  I mean, from the point your conscience raises the flag – and, say, you ignore it – does it stay there and rains on your parade and, thus, making you not like something that was, um, kinda/sorta okay a moment ago?

I don’t pretend to really to understand this crazy thing that I know has messed with me from time to time in my sexual life.  Sure, it got my attention and, yup, the whole thing’s feeding into my need to write – but I find it kinda interesting and here’s why:  If we’re to understand ourselves when and where sex is concerned, we should not only take notice of such things but being to ask the questions and look for the answers that might explain us to ourselves.  Life isn’t just about understanding or doing or even playing some role – it’s also about understand who we are as individuals and the things that make us tick… or makes us feel really fucking guilty.

Okay, maybe there’s no concrete, locked-in-lead answer to this and, if there is, I haven’t seen it yet… doesn’t mean the topic’s off-limits, right?


Posted by on 11 November 2011 in Life, Living and Loving


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12 responses to “Before, During, and After: Part 2

  1. mysterycoach

    12 November 2011 at 05:52

    I’m a bit wiped out right now but I read last nights post and then tonight and a thought I had was that perhaps since you have a the beliefs you do about relationships and caring about someone, maybe … it’s more about not wanting it to be just about sex? Maybe it’s about wanting it to have more meaning that getting off?

    Maybe you’re mind simply gets confused because you’re bi-sexual and at some point it’s like, well… I’m not into only guys or not into only women and since you go both ways, it’s like Hey! What’s going on here? Maybe your mind or whatever belief you have about your own sexuality (?) and I have no idea LOL 🙂 I’m just speculating, maybe your mind is like, but we were with a woman last time or we were with a guy last time, what’s this?

    Maybe it’s a matter, like I just said, I hope clearly … that your body is confused? Your mind due to the different preferences. I’m certainly not an expert on this however these are the couple thoughts that popped into my head.

    Maybe it’s about … I don’t know, maybe it’s about wanting a serious monogamus relationship with one person however to have it both ways you’re more open to being with another couple or someone of the same sex and that takes out the monogamy? I just do not know …


    • kdaddy23

      12 November 2011 at 15:03

      Nah, this just ain’t about me or any sense of confusion; this is a behavior I’ve noticed in other people (while having sex with them) and things people have told me over the years; they’ve had this happen to them and have asked why… and I’m still trying to figure out why this happens. In such things, I’ll also add my own experiences – those I know about better than anyone, of course – and, well, it’s just really weird that this happens, especially when it appears to come out of nowhere.

      Hazarding a guess, I’d have to say that it’s something subconscious which, of course, tends to defy identification since when our conscious mind is active, our subconscious is kinda laid back in the cut – working in the background – and doing whatever the hell it is that it does. So, if it’s something that comes from there, the reasons for why it does is unknown to me; can’t really have a conversation with my subconscious like I can with my conscious mind.

      I can tell you that my body’s never confused – I did think about that one years ago. It doesn’t always happen – but I can find instances in my experiences where it has even when I’ve been having het-sex! At least for me, this kinda indicates that, no, I don’t feel that way with guys because my mind and body thinks I should only be with a woman – I’ve had it happen with them as well. Sure, I know some bisexual guys who experience this but, as I said, I also know straight people who’ve felt this and for no apparent reason.

      I’ll accept that if you’re doing something that you know you shouldn’t be doing – say, having an affair – yeah, that guilty feeling crops up and starts kicking your ass all over the place because you didn’t keep only unto yourself. But, um, what the hell? I mean, I’ve been banging the wife and, oops, where did this icky feeling come from? Why do I suddenly feel like I just killed a litter of kittens when I’m doing what I’m supposed to do and with the person I’m supposed to do it with?

      Again, I’m not the only one who has mentioned this. I mean, really; how is it possible for someone to have an orgasm… and not like it? If a person makes a conscious decision to try bi sex – curiosity, experiment, or just to say they tried it – what is it that makes them say – and usually after the fact – that they didn’t like it? In this, okay – there’s some trepidation the first time out and if you don’t chicken out and engage the other person, okay, it’s working; it’s different, weird, but also good at the same time… but when it’s all over with, um, you didn’t like it? My somewhat rhetorical musings in this target this specific thing. I used to think it was part of our justification process; yet, even with justification, this can happen – it’s as if every part of you agreed to do whatever… and there’s something holding out on the consensus somewhere in the back of your head. Sometimes it shows up before the fact; sometimes during the fact; mostly after the fact.

      I know that if you convince yourself that you’re not going to like something, you will always believe it until proven otherwise and, yeah, in somethings, there is some resistance to allowing yourself to, say, go down on a woman for the first time… and I think this is a little different than what I’m talking about. What I really tend to believe that it’s not always whatever sex you’re having – it’s the person you’re having it with; is something in your head telling you that having sex with this particular person isn’t a good thing to do? It’s plausible… but that theory falls apart if you have this feeling kick you in the gut – and you’re having sex with your boyfriend or husband, all nice, normal, and legitimate.

      Monogamous relationships… well, if you’ve read some of my blogs about this particular thing, you know how I feel about them… and I don’t think that has anything to do with it given that I have personally had these feelings before I ever got into a serious relationship and before I got married. Okay, to be able to have sex with other people despite your marital status is a major shift in one’s thinking; you literally have to unlearn everything you’ve ever learned about relationships and learn some new stuff; some people can do it, most can’t and, yeah, maybe the guilty conscience thing plays into this… but to be able to do this particular thing, all you need to do is justify the action to yourself – not an easy thing to do either. I mean, I’ve had multiple partner sex more times than I care to think about; what I know is that during such things, I’ve never had that feeling clobber me at any point; it doesn’t always show its face but when it does, well, why does it?

      In this kind of thinking, Mystery, it’s not always about what we do as humans – it’s why we do it, the processes that take place in our mind when we decide to sex someone – and regardless of sexuality. Okay, that decision tree kind of thinking is “easy” to figure out; what I’ve not been able to get a handle on is what breaks the tree and at the times it can be broken. What is it that makes you feel this way when you’re in the middle of having the kind of sex you’ve decided to have? How can having an orgasm make you feel guilty? How can you do a thing – that’s a conscious decision – be all up in it and having fun – then orgasm (or ejaculate) and, oops, fuck, that wasn’t my cup of tea?

      See, I get the thought that some people will start pointing at that whole moral compass thing that gets ingrained into all of us… and I’m not buying into that giving that I’ve had “morally correct” sex and have felt icky somewhere along the line – and so has others I know about. Some people might point to religious dogma in this; most of us knows what the Christian bible says about sex and all that… but I also know devote Christians who’ve felt this way and they’ve always been doing it all right and proper. Some people would suggest, as you did, that my sexuality has something to do with it because it’s so unnatural and amoral to have sex this way and, if I were a newbie, I might even agree with the premise. But, no; I’ve been bisexual for a great many years now and have long since quelled any qualms I had about doing the nasty with another guy. I understand my decision process in this and if I have a doubt or whatever before the fact, then nothing happens. But, wow, if I’m doing something that I want to do with him – giving him great head – and I’m enjoying myself, what is it that, suddenly, makes me think and/or feel that doing it isn’t a good thing?


  2. mysterycoach

    12 November 2011 at 21:46

    Huh. Maybe it is this :

    “Okay, to be able to have sex with other people despite your marital status is a major shift in one’s thinking; you literally have to unlearn everything you’ve ever learned about relationships and learn some new stuff; some people can do it, most can’t and, yeah, maybe the guilty conscience thing plays into this… but to be able to do this particular thing, all you need to do is justify the action to yourself – not an easy thing to do either. I mean, I’ve had multiple partner sex more times than I care to think about; what I know is that during such things, I’ve never had that feeling clobber me at any point; it doesn’t always show its face but when it does, well, why does it?”

    Maybe it just catches up with you. However you’ve said too that you’ve had the feeling prior to being married. I know for myself, if I’ve had that feeling it’s because I realized at some point before, during or after, I really didn’t want to be with the person in the first place and it was for the wrong reasons for me. I’ve never had that feeling when I was into someone, only if I wasn’t but I didn’t realize it yet. Like in the case where what I really wanted was a hug but got the bonus plan honey! (Dice Clay’s joke LOL) Then too there’s the times where the person vibe was missing for me and I do not know where they got it from but it wasn’t from my direction.

    Maybe that’s it. Maybe the spark is missing and you/we sense it … like, it’s “just sex” and we want a better connection than just sex… I don’t know. The above is the only time I can think of personally where I had any feelings similar to what you’re saying.


    • kdaddy23

      12 November 2011 at 22:18

      Well, for your thoughts to have real merit – and I’m not saying they don’t – would require that I, specifically, bought into the whole monogamy thing being the only way to exist with someone – and I never did so as it pertains to me, nope, that’s not it and if it were, that’s too easy. Because here’s the thing; when I’ve not been polygamous (in that sense), I’ve been monogamous “by default” – and given that I’ve experienced this weirdness before I ever got married kinda invalidates this particular position. Okay, maybe you (generally) didn’t want to really be with that person… makes sense you’d feel that way… but to feel it with your wife or husband or significant other? What I’m saying is that this… thing has been known to just show up… even when you’re having legal, married sex with someone you don’t have a problem having sex with!

      Now, in this, I can admit that if there’s something going on in my subconscious, I have no idea what it is; this isn’t a place anyone can look into while they are conscious and rumor has it that it’s impossible to do. It’s the ghost in the machine, so to speak; it’s there and messing with me at the oddest times. Like, why would I feel like that if I’m masturbating? And if this is some pre-programmed behavior, why haven’t I always felt bad when doing it? If I’m doing the deed with someone else – and my conscious mind knows exactly what the deal is and has no (or few) objections, what is it that makes me go through with it – and then make me feel crappy about it… when I’ve already “agreed” with myself to do it?

      Okay, you mentioned picking up a vibe that wasn’t coming from you; yep, that could do it… and it’s a safe bet it’s not something your conscious mind is really paying attention to – but your subconscious is “kind” enough to bring it to your attention and rain all over your parade. If you care to share – and you don’t have to – what is it that makes you feel – after the fact – that you didn’t want to be with whomever? If it were strictly moral, those edicts demand and require that you not have sex out of wedlock at all! Anything else is fornication and that’s reportedly a sin! Yet, there you are, getting busy… and oops.

      What just happened, Mystery? See what I’m saying? Oh, and what does “being into” someone have to do with this? How, in your opinion, does this stack up against this? Keep in mind that I’ve “been into” someone and have felt this weirdness – and others have said as much to me as well.


      • mysterycoach

        13 November 2011 at 06:18

        Sure, the subconscious is a very sneaky critter and I agree with you that we can sense something that we wouldn’t acknowledge but that we have a vibe about, gut feeling or intuitive inkling about.

        Thanx for respecting me as to discussing certain things, this isn’t detailed things that I would find like, “really” personal so I don’t mind sharing. I know that there were instances where it was along the lines of mandatory sex. Meaning, you kinda liked the person, I wasn’t sure about them as a whole, you slept with them to get it out of the way only to realize later that during there was absolutely no spark or additional connection other than just having sex with someone. Which is, to me, empty sex. Mandatory sex with a person we’re dating after a period of time to just see if you’re compatible. Compatibility is very important and so is that vibe and spark we can feel from someone.

        Then there is the you care about them more than they care about you and you have that feeling of what am I doing here again? Like and old shoe, an old boyfriend and I had that experience about 4 years ago. Because you realize you just were with someone for the sex and maybe I thought it would be more (because he implied it as well mind you and I fell for it) at some point and I knew deep down in my mind, it never would be. Maybe too, there was the white lie I probably told myself that after all this time, it would evolve into what I though it could have been insofar as a relationship but my inner voice, my little mind said to me… Yah, No. Something is missing. The connection, the caring, the whole “I want to be with this person and I can feel it back from them thing”.

        For myself “being into someone” requires that I have a connection with them that feels good on a personal level first. It’s kind a like, if you want a relationship with someone and I can’t talk to you, why the hell would I sleep with you? Sex is always much better when you trust someone and you have a connection as people. For me anyway. If there’s no connection other than “just the sex”. That’s all it is… sex. Period. I’ve learned you can have “just sex” but there is always something missing. I remember I had a FWB years ago and we had been friends for over 2 years and in that case, the times I had misgivings were when I realized that we were both starting to get attached to each other more moving towards a relationship. I had misgivings then because we had guidelines designed so neither of us would get hurt but the caring about one another grew, the sex got better and better because we were familiar with one another and the misgivings came in because no one wanted to really admit we had started to “really” care about one another. Which, I know now was probably a mistake to not address it better. Figure I was 28 at the time and I had no skills at all like I do now figuring myself out.

        I guess what I’m saying, for me is, sex without connection, It’s just sex, you can have just sex with pretty much anyone and you may climax but it wasn’t the type of connection we want because it is just sex. I don’t know why you would have that feeling you’re describing with your wife… that’s something truly you would have to figure out. 🙂 I”m not in your head LOL 🙂

        I never went down that road of, Oh it’s a sin to have sex or any of that nonsense. If it was a sin someone should have remembered to enter that little blurb that says, it’s not going to feel good so run the other way! LOL ! Good topic by the way. I can insert a lot of maybes into the conversation, maybe this, maybe that, maybe preconceptions or old belief systems or you didn’t really want the person but did, or it was a good idea at the time because when feel good chemicals take over your body, you literally do not have a brain. Logic can go right out the window, then it’s like, “what was I thinking” and we weren’t thinking at all. This is something I keep telling my female friends. I’m like STOP thinking with your lower end if you want more than just sex! Because when a person is blinded by how much they want to be with the other person, before really getting to know them in a relationship instance, they’re always surprised later because they didn’t realize who the person really was to begin with because they were blinded by wanting to have their way with them. I’m not trying to burst their bubble, the sex would be way better anyway if they slowed up a bit because they’d really like the person and that always makes it better. Deeper connection (no pun intended LOL) I used to hear this one girl lie like a rug that all she wanted was sex with this guy, but she had feelings for him and sure as I’m sitting here I suggested she NOT do it and within … the next day, that afternoon she was off her rocker feeling rejected. I had to keep reminding her that the boy did nothing wrong. She brought it up, she said she could handle it and I told her she wouldn’t be able to … HELLOOOOO~!? Ugh… She was a loony as a jaybird for a while thereafter. Off her rocker I tell ya. But I warned her.


      • kdaddy23

        13 November 2011 at 12:19

        First and foremost, you’ll always have my respect in these things and, again, what you’ve been kind enough to share does supply more data for me to digest about this. While affection means a lot when you’re getting busy, well, I do know that there are some things that’ll take the fun out of getting laid, like doing it out of a sense of obligation and even more so when you’re really not in the mood for sex when “duty” calls. Since this will put your head in a bad place before you even make it to the bedroom is a given… but I can’t really make this stick with what I’ trying to figure out.

        The decision to have sex is a conscious one albeit biology-driven. Compatibility in this is one of those funny things that does make sense – just kinda complicated to understand… but, yeah, that whole business about meaningless or empty sex can and does mess with a person’s mind. Here’s what I wonder about this: If you wanted to have sex – and agreed to do it, which requires some reconciliation inside one’s mind, um, how’d the meaning get lost somewhere along the line? Okay, could be about requirements… but guys are kinda minimal about this compared to women in that most of the time, we just want the other person to say yes to doing the nasty. Maybe expectations play into this; during sex, your conscious mind isn’t quite “disconnected” so, yeah, if an expectation isn’t met, some negative reaction will be logged.

        Like you said, we can throw maybes at this until the cows come home! I just can’t seem to figure out why it is you can be doing something you wanted to do – and then feel like shit before, during, or after the fact. I do want to thank you again for sharing your thoughts on this!


  3. mysterycoach

    14 November 2011 at 05:58

    Obligatory sex has to be the worst sex ever. Goes hand in hand with being manipulated into it sex like players do… there’s something you can’t put your finger on that is definitely missing when you sleep with a guy who is a player, if you have any idea about yourself as an individual it ends up feeling hollow. During there is this feeling of pulling back and wishing you hadn’t made that decision, and then it’s worse after the fact because even though you thought you wanted it, because he was that crafty to talk a person into it? Later… when that all wears off? You realize it’s like man I fell for such a line of shit and damn, gave up something really important. He doesn’t see it that way, they say it’s concentual. It’s not. It’s manipulation in it’s finest form. To me it’s worse because not only does the player lie to the women/men they lie to themselves about a true connection and that it’s all about the conquest or scratching an itch or whatever… there’s no true intimacy in having sex for sex’s sake. The next fix is easy to find because some women are not aware of the game. Men too. I guess women can pull this mess on men too. Not only the guys get away with this. At the end of the day … there’s no one “home”. I think that feeling has to be the worst one on earth.

    Consistently recreating a false sense of intimacy and love over and over again and believing it’s a good thing in some way. It’s actually very selfish. Period.

    I guess, maybe it comes down to a thought process of just because it feels good, does it mean we should be doing it? Like, that curve of sexual tension is there and then it’s just sex.

    To me, it’s like just because we get a person to agree to have sex doesn’t mean there’s anything there at all. I’ve seen men and women turn this aspect of themselves off. Where it’s just sex and they tell themselves that’s all it is and for guys, I’ve heard they compartmentalize it and don’t give it another thought. It’s just sex. However many men do not compartmentalize it and it means something more significant and intimate for them. Same thing can apply to women as well. I guess it’s all about … where we’re at with it. I remember having very similar feelings at different times in life.

    I don’t mind having a conversation about this stuff 🙂 You’ve never come across as anything other than curious and I’ve never read anything that indicates anything other than respect. You just like to talk about stuff and lay it out there 🙂 It’s not like you try to convince me or anyone else about stuff, you’re just humongously curious about everything. LOL 🙂


    • kdaddy23

      14 November 2011 at 14:10

      You made some damned good points, Mystery! Okay, so, when you’re single and you need to get laid, you’re either gonna be a player – male or female version – or you’re not gonna get laid any time soon because, yeah, it is about being manipulated into sex, plain and simple. I can understand how knowing you got played can make you feel bad… but since the guy isn’t your boyfriend or husband or SO – and I don’t mean you specifically – then you should know that you’re being played to get laid even as you agree to let them do you. That’s one of those moments when you ask yourself why you went along with this and the answer is, “It sounded like a good idea at the time…”

      Obligatory sex or having sex when you ain’t feeling it is about as bad as it gets. That automatically puts your head in a bad space and the regret and dismay one can feel in this regard doesn’t make one feel good no matter how good the sex might be.

      So, help me out with this one: There are two times when you have sex – when you want to and when you need to. My thoughts are that these two things probably work well together – but are not mutual inclusive – they aren’t the same thing. So, when you want to have sex, it’s usually because you’re feeling the other person to some degree; it doesn’t have to be a whole lot but just enough to make you say to yourself, “I want to do this with them!” Could be boyfriend, girlfriend, or that charming stranger your instincts tell you isn’t a player. Then there’s when you need to – when you get that damned itch that needs to be scratched; you’ve ignored it for a while, broke out the toys – but that only takes the edge off a little – and you really need to get laid… so you go get some. Now, maybe – and I’ll kinda use you ’cause you’re a woman – there’s something running around in your head like, “I normally wouldn’t do this but damn…” and you actually let some guy talk his way into your panties – because the itch demands it. You would be selective – you’d have to pick up on what consists as a cool enough vibe for you before you say yes – and you go home or wherever, he’s hitting it good – or good enough to make the itch happy – and – bingo; there’s that damned feeling that makes you ask yourself for that split second, “What am I doing?” It passes but kinda lingers and you get your bell rung – good choice – and now, after the fact, you’re sitting around wondering why something that felt so good has no made you feel so badly.

      This sound familiar? If it does, well, now you see how it can get my attention… because it doesn’t make sense to me.


      • mysterycoach

        14 November 2011 at 16:51

        LOL 🙂 Right, it is one of those moments when you ask yourself, because on SOME level you HAVE an inkling … and it’s not so much (at least for me) that it’s a good idea at the time really. It’s almost like there is … this tiny window where you should probably turn back and you don’t. “Maybe” some where in your mind is like this thought that it could be something but your gut tells you, basically that you’re just pissing up a rope and it just is what it is. It’s almost as if, you’ve gone too far to come back.

        Uh… you know? I disagree with the two times you want to have sex being the only times.
        There are also those times where you have sex because a person wants to be close to someone, but LOL 🙂 What they really wanted was a hug. Know what I mean? So it wasn’t about the sex at all but intimacy to be close to someone which people often confuse. So, this one isn’t a need sexually, it’s a need to be close, but people have sex instead. It’s like… almost false sex or like comfort sex. Know what I mean?

        To me it’s the lies we tell ourselves as to the reasoning behind why we’re actually having sex. Think about all the times we may hear “Oh you just need to get laid” and while we have sexual needs, that’s not the case. Matter of fact you can actually get laid and not feel any better at all “because” it wasn’t what you really needed to begin with. Could have been a person just wanted to feel close to someone and sex was the only way they thought they could be close to someone. Follow me?

        It made them feel badly primarily because, at least to me, it wasn’t really what they needed. Horny is one thing, that’s fine and sometimes people can just have sex for sex’s sake and no worries no afterthoughts either.

        But, I know for myself? I could be in a situation to have sex but don’t want it anyway because there’s no point. Meaning, I’m not looking for just sex and any urges to have it are doused by my resolve not to just play with anyone. Course we could go onto the whole idea of being really smitten with someone and then realize we didn’t like them that much which is why a person would wait to see if they like them first.

        Course, it doesn’t make sense 🙂 I hear you. I understand what you’re saying but for myself I think it always, always boils down to how we feel about it, even if we thought we wanted it in the first place. That’s me, you’ll have your thoughts that are your own as well, of course.


      • kdaddy23

        14 November 2011 at 17:46

        No, there are only two times: When you want to and when you need to and what you provided falls under “when you want to” which also includes any justifications for why you want to. Now, if we’re gonna drift into levels of intimacy, okay, we can go there if you want to – I gots no problem with it. Good point: When we have sex – any kind of sex – are we really lying to ourselves as to why we want it? Probably… but not in all cases; not all the sex we’ve ever had comes under the heading of “it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

        And, really, it’s our feelings and our own interpretation of our feelings that is at issue here. But this is what I know: There’s the physical need to get laid and then there’s the emotional need to do the nasty – and they don’t always go together… but they do work well together. Bear with me for a moment, Mystery…

        Okay, in that cock sucking incident I mentioned, it dawned on me – after the fact – that I was doing what I both wanted and needed to do. What came to mind was that while I was happily working to make him cum and appeasing my oral fixation, my desire for the sex became satisfied in that moment and let me know by making me ask myself, “What are you doing?” What I noticed – again in retrospect – that I was, in fact, less enthusiastic about what I was doing even though I did finish him and then was able to lie back and be finished by him… but even though it felt damned good, it had lost something in the translation… because I somehow got satisfied before I even got finished.

        That’s one explanation for during the fact and maybe after the fact… doesn’t explain such things before the fact, why something feels “wrong” about doing something you haven’t even started to do. We can get into all the stuff about having meaningful sex, emotional content and all that – and we can agree that this is the way it should be. But even if you just need to scratch that itch – and I will admit that women are better at avoiding this than men are – well, if that’s what we gotta do, that’s what we do and, in the majority of times, we don’t feel badly about it at any point… unless the sex wasn’t satisfying for some reason you can point directly at, of course.

        As my friend and fellow blogger John will tell you, there are plenty of reasons to just go get laid – and a lot of them have to do with your emotional stability more than just the physical release, like stress relief, for example. It’s just weird that you’d do something that you wanted or needed to do… and something is telling you otherwise at some point and it’s in direct contradiction to that which you’ve already decided you wanted or needed to do, reasons notwithstanding.


  4. mysterycoach

    14 November 2011 at 20:44

    Boy, we sure have quite the conversation going on here huh? 🙂 Well, now see we “think” we “want to” have sex but that’s not what we really need. So it’s not wanting sex for sex, it’s wanting something else and assuming it’s sex. Okay, this is a stretch I guess. I hear what you’re saying though. I’m on the fence about need to because I mean, you can need to, but not have sex because you’re not just going to scratch an itch. I’m tired so hopefully I’ll convey what I’m trying to say in a way that makes sense.

    Definitely a good idea to chat about intimacy… it’s what makes sex just sex or sex making love instead. Better connections when there’s more intimacy and you couple that up with attraction… shiiit 🙂 That’s a nice combination. And that’s all a’m sayin about that. 🙂

    yah… I guess there’s a lot of reasons to get laid. I’ve had the whole sex just for sex thing and that was with someone I already knew (old shoe type of things, the one that said stuff later on down the line but that was different) and it was hollow and meant nothing in the end and it was one of those times where you knew you shouldn’t you did, you were sorry later. It was “fine” but “not fine” at the same time. Mentally though, it was because I could and I bought into the whole preconditioned thought process of I can have it, so I will. Wasn’t worth it though because later you were like, what was the point? To scratch an itch? I don’t recall having that bad of a rash LOL ! ha! I am tired…

    Now, I’m going to sleep 🙂 I’ll see ya later… I have to come back and comment because I’m tired. Banter all run out LOL 🙂 Have a good night.


    • kdaddy23

      14 November 2011 at 22:02

      No, that’s different; not a thing of being unsure that having sex was what you wanted to do or, like, craving something but you don’t know what it is.



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