Conversations held today has brought something I find interesting to mind: Guilt. We’ve all felt it when we’ve had sex and, yeah, it’s all dependent on what it was we were doing or even who we were doing it with. Over the years, I’ve talked to people who’ve told me they’ve done a thing and, subsequently, have felt “bad” about it… which got me to wondering about at what point did these feelings come into play – before, during, or after the fact?
I think that most of the time – and I’m really generalizing here – when we’re approaching a sexual encounter that’s giving us some bad vibes, well, we don’t engage in it. Ah, but I also know that while something inside you may be warning against doing it, there’s something else that might pop up to override the thought and, no, it’s really not as simple as it sounds. We think, “I shouldn’t do (add something here) but… – and then we do it anyway and when it’s all over and done with, guilt is upon us like a very bad habit.
I’ve come to think that this says something about us as people and as a species, although I’m not entirely sure of the mechanism of this; some experts think it’s something hardwired into us and might even have something to do with going forth and multiply thing we’re compelled to do.
We’ll do something and feel that guilt or some really weird feeling that can be associated with guilt… and we kinda write it off as, “It seemed like a good idea at the time” and this is what I’d call an “after the fact” moment… but what were you thinking and/or feeling before and during the fact, hmm?
I know I can look at myself and pick out all the instances where this has come into play, like every time I’ve ever done a guy in the butt, I have always felt bad after the fact… but not always before or during said fact. There were times when, before the fact, something was telling me, “Yo, don’t go there!” – but being horny overrode the thought; I’ve been in the middle of doing it and something says, “You know you shouldn’t be doing this…” and that, too, got overridden… but not forgotten. I’ve busted that nut – it felt really good to do so… and then I get bitch-slapped by a really awful feeling I’ve never been able to accurately identify – it’s like a combination of guilt mixed with regret and lord knows what else.
Ever have this happen to you? Okay, so I’m bisexual and since throwing down with another guy is a cultural taboo – and may run deeper than that – it makes sense that I’d feel bad somewhere along the line. But when I’m doing it the “right” way, um, why does it make me feel bad sometimes when I’m not doing anything wrong in that sense?
Oh, and we’re not gonna talk about having that “wrong” feeling that might be warning us… and we do it anyway, are we? Yup, I am the guy who’d think about stuff like this… because it’s damned interesting to see how our lust can override logic and common sense in some situations.
I recall my ex coming back from one of her dates and we sat and talked about her experience. I found it odd that she said while the guy made her cum, she didn’t like it the way she felt. It comes across as being oxymoronic, doesn’t it, seeing how having an orgasm is supposed to feel good and all that. It made me ask her at what point during her experience did the feeling come over her (no pun) and she said that it was after the fact more than any other time.
To me, this said something and I’ve spent the ensuing years “investigating” this feeling, both with myself and in others… and it’s just amazing in that I can’t really pinpoint why such a thing happens and even more so depending on when it does. I’ve said that I’ve been happily sucking another guy’s dick and, right smack dab in the middle of it, shit, what the fuck am I doing? Why has this all of a sudden gone from being a good thing to do to something other than that?
What’s really going on inside my head when this happens? Damned if I know! I can go back in my memories and see such moments and reconnect with my feelings (so to speak) and, hmm, I can’t really point to anything that would cause the feeling to appear, I mean, other than having a dick in my mouth which is a moral no-no… or is it really? Okay, no bad feelings before the fact – just being horny and excited about what’s about to happen. It gets going, wow, I’m feeling really good and, at least consciously, I’m not paying attention to the other guy – unless he says or does something to get my attention, like calling me a bitch or something like that. But then, at some point during…ew – what the fuck?
I’m aware of those moments and, nope, didn’t make me feel good at all; what I don’t know is why – and that’s absent anything the other guy may have said or done. I’ve had the same feeling with sex with a woman; no bad feeling before the fact, maybe even none during the fact… but after the fact? Ew – why did I do this with her?
I don’t know about anyone else, but this doesn’t consistently happen. Like with my earlier example of doing a guy in the butt, sometimes I’ve felt bad before the fact and even during the fact… but not so much after the fact and in various combinations. I’ve been in the middle of doing it and, yep, there it is… where did it come from? Is it something that rises to the surface from one’s subconscious? I think it is… but I sure as hell can’t explain it.
I talk to other people I can discuss such things with – and the resulting information has been very interesting in that some of those people admitted to having that “bad” feeling somewhere along the line… but are unable to explain why they felt that way. I have seen that a lot of people feel this way after the fact, that feeling of, “Shit, I shouldn’t have done that!” and then some time is spent trying to figure out just what the fuck made us do something that we’re now sorry about.
Is it a reaction due to some moral implications… or is it coming from somewhere else? Are we hard-wired to feel like that at times, like maybe something inside us “knows” that whatever we’re doing goes against what we’re supposed to be doing? For instance, I recently read something about why incest happens and why it doesn’t; a scientist hypothesized that there’s some genetic memory thing in our DNA that, somehow, keeps us from, say, porking one’s sister and because of the similar DNA makeup.
Okay, seeing as how I’m a science nerd, yeah, that kinda/sorta makes sense and is more palatable to me than the moral edict against such things; I mean, there has to be a reason right? That people can override this is also interesting; you know you’re not supposed to be doing it… but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re doing it; it makes me wonder if lust – in and of itself a very powerful emotion – plays into this manual override of something that may really be hard-coded into us.
What makes a woman get with a guy, find him desirable to have sex with – then, all of a sudden and out of the clear blue sky, it’s no longer a good thing to do? What triggers that awful feeling in a guy about to hose down his girlfriend and makes his erection – and his lust for her – suddenly go by the wayside?
What I also find interesting about this is how we dismiss such feelings when we experience them. Yeah, I’m anal enough to want to examine stuff like this… because it says something about me even though I may not be sure what that is. Again, back to the butt thing: I’ve been humping away happily; the feeling hits me and suggests I should cease and desist immediately if not sooner… and I’ve overridden it; it’s like my mind is saying, “Yeah, okay, I hear you – let me finish what I’m doing and we’ll talk about it later, okay?”
And I’ve kept right on going; the explosion happens – feels great and, oops, a nanosecond later, me and my feelings are having that discussion from a few moments ago… and it feels horrible. With men or women, when this has taken place within me, I’ve actually said aloud, “What the fuck just happened?”
Even with something as “simple” as masturbation, I’ve felt that feeling… and I have no idea why. My conscious mind says I’ve not done something wrong but if that’s the case, um, why do I feel so rotten? I mean, shit, this is supposed to feel good! And it’s not that it doesn’t before, during, or after the fact – it’s just that there are times when something in my head will flip a switch or something and, oops, fuck, why do I feel shitty doing something that’s really okay to be doing?
And I wind up saying to myself, “Well, it was a good idea at the time…” And I’m betting I’m not the only one who has said this to themselves…