Before, During, and After

11 Nov

Conversations held today has brought something I find interesting to mind:  Guilt.  We’ve all felt it when we’ve had sex and, yeah, it’s all dependent on what it was we were doing or even who we were doing it with.  Over the years, I’ve talked to people who’ve told me they’ve done a thing and, subsequently, have felt “bad” about it… which got me to wondering about at what point did these feelings come into play – before, during, or after the fact?

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I think that most of the time – and I’m really generalizing here – when we’re approaching a sexual encounter that’s giving us some bad vibes, well, we don’t engage in it.  Ah, but I also know that while something inside you may be warning against doing it, there’s something else that might pop up to override the thought and, no, it’s really not as simple as it sounds.  We think, “I shouldn’t do (add something here) but… – and then we do it anyway and when it’s all over and done with, guilt is upon us like a very bad habit.

I’ve come to think that this says something about us as people and as a species, although I’m not entirely sure of the mechanism of this; some experts think it’s something hardwired into us and might even have something to do with going forth and multiply thing we’re compelled to do.

We’ll do something and feel that guilt or some really weird feeling that can be associated with guilt… and we kinda write it off as, “It seemed like a good idea at the time” and this is what I’d call an “after the fact” moment… but what were you thinking and/or feeling before and during the fact, hmm?

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I know I can look at myself and pick out all the instances where this has come into play, like every time I’ve ever done a guy in the butt, I have always felt bad after the fact… but not always before or during said fact.  There were times when, before the fact, something was telling me, “Yo, don’t go there!” – but being horny overrode the thought; I’ve been in the middle of doing it and something says, “You know you shouldn’t be doing this…” and that, too, got overridden… but not forgotten.  I’ve busted that nut – it felt really good to do so… and then I get bitch-slapped by a really awful feeling I’ve never been able to accurately identify – it’s like a combination of guilt mixed with regret and lord knows what else.

Ever have this happen to you?  Okay, so I’m bisexual and since throwing down with another guy is a cultural taboo – and may run deeper than that – it makes sense that I’d feel bad somewhere along the line.  But when I’m doing it the “right” way, um, why does it make me feel bad sometimes when I’m not doing anything wrong in that sense?

Oh, and we’re not gonna talk about having that “wrong” feeling that might be warning us… and we do it anyway, are we?  Yup, I am the guy who’d think about stuff like this… because it’s damned interesting to see how our lust can override logic and common sense in some situations.

I recall my ex coming back from one of her dates and we sat and talked about her experience.  I found it odd that she said while the guy made her cum, she didn’t like it the way she felt.  It comes across as being oxymoronic, doesn’t it, seeing how having an orgasm is supposed to feel good and all that.  It made me ask her at what point during her experience did the feeling come over her (no pun) and she said that it was after the fact more than any other time.

To me, this said something and I’ve spent the ensuing years “investigating” this feeling, both with myself and in others… and it’s just amazing in that I can’t really pinpoint why such a thing happens and even more so depending on when it does.  I’ve said that I’ve been happily sucking another guy’s dick and, right smack dab in the middle of it, shit, what the fuck am I doing?  Why has this all of a sudden gone from being a good thing to do to something other than that?

What’s really going on inside my head when this happens?  Damned if I know!  I can go back in my memories and see such moments and reconnect with my feelings (so to speak) and, hmm, I can’t really point to anything that would cause the feeling to appear, I mean, other than having a dick in my mouth which is a moral no-no… or is it really?  Okay, no bad feelings before the fact – just being horny and excited about what’s about to happen.  It gets going, wow, I’m feeling really good and, at least consciously, I’m not paying attention to the other guy – unless he says or does something to get my attention, like calling me a bitch or something like that.  But then, at some point during…ew – what the fuck?

I’m aware of those moments and, nope, didn’t make me feel good at all; what I don’t know is why – and that’s absent anything the other guy may have said or done.  I’ve had the same feeling with sex with a woman; no bad feeling before the fact, maybe even none during the fact… but after the fact?  Ew – why did I do this with her?

I don’t know about anyone else, but this doesn’t consistently happen.  Like with my earlier example of doing a guy in the butt, sometimes I’ve felt bad before the fact and even during the fact… but not so much after the fact and in various combinations.  I’ve been in the middle of doing it and, yep, there it is… where did it come from?  Is it something that rises to the surface from one’s subconscious?  I think it is… but I sure as hell can’t explain it.

I talk to other people I can discuss such things with – and the resulting information has been very interesting in that some of those people admitted to having that “bad” feeling somewhere along the line… but are unable to explain why they felt that way.  I have seen that a lot of people feel this way after the fact, that feeling of, “Shit, I shouldn’t have done that!” and then some time is spent trying to figure out just what the fuck made us do something that we’re now sorry about.

Is it a reaction due to some moral implications… or is it coming from somewhere else?  Are we hard-wired to feel like that at times, like maybe something inside us “knows” that whatever we’re doing goes against what we’re supposed to be doing?  For instance, I recently read something about why incest happens and why it doesn’t; a scientist hypothesized that there’s some genetic memory thing in our DNA that, somehow, keeps us from, say, porking one’s sister and because of the similar DNA makeup.

Okay, seeing as how I’m a science nerd, yeah, that kinda/sorta makes sense and is more palatable to me than the moral edict against such things; I mean, there has to be a reason right?  That people can override this is also interesting; you know you’re not supposed to be doing it… but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re doing it; it makes me wonder if lust – in and of itself a very powerful emotion – plays into this manual override of something that may really be hard-coded into us.

What makes a woman get with a guy, find him desirable to have sex with – then, all of a sudden and out of the clear blue sky, it’s no longer a good thing to do?  What triggers that awful feeling in a guy about to hose down his girlfriend and makes his erection – and his lust for her – suddenly go by the wayside?

What I also find interesting about this is how we dismiss such feelings when we experience them.  Yeah, I’m anal enough to want to examine stuff like this… because it says something about me even though I may not be sure what that is. Again, back to the butt thing:  I’ve been humping away happily; the feeling hits me and suggests I should cease and desist immediately if not sooner… and I’ve overridden it; it’s like my mind is saying, “Yeah, okay, I hear you – let me finish what I’m doing and we’ll talk about it later, okay?”

And I’ve kept right on going; the explosion happens – feels great and, oops, a nanosecond later, me and my feelings are having that discussion from a few moments ago… and it feels horrible.  With men or women, when this has taken place within me, I’ve actually said aloud, “What the fuck just happened?”

Even with something as “simple” as masturbation, I’ve felt that feeling… and I have no idea why.  My conscious mind says I’ve not done something wrong but if that’s the case, um, why do I feel so rotten?  I mean, shit, this is supposed to feel good!  And it’s not that it doesn’t before, during, or after the fact – it’s just that there are times when something in my head will flip a switch or something and, oops, fuck, why do I feel shitty doing something that’s really okay to be doing?

And I wind up saying to myself, “Well, it was a good idea at the time…”  And I’m betting I’m not the only one who has said this to themselves…


Posted by on 11 November 2011 in Life, Living and Loving


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6 responses to “Before, During, and After

  1. Cinnamon

    11 November 2011 at 20:31

    What’s that about a “hard dick/clit has no conscience”?


    • kdaddy23

      11 November 2011 at 21:10

      Of course, I’ve heard this one… but in order to dismiss one’s conscience, you gotta have one of some kind. Now, whether this is shrugging off guilt – or whatever that creepy feeling really is – or not makes it all interesting. For instance, the guy or gal that’ll screw their best friend’s partner. Now, ethics say that this should never happen for any reason – it’s the unspoken but well-known rule when it comes to friends. The chemistry’s cooking, they’re doing their best to ignore it even though they’re aware of it… then it happens. We say that a hard dick or a wet pussy has no conscience because, at that moment, our lust overrides common sense and propriety in this; it’s the thing that makes us keep going at something when we know that we shouldn’t be doing this.

      I’m guessing – with wide generality again – that at some point, the fact that this shouldn’t be happening does cross someone’s mind – and the guilt sets in. Sometimes, it’s arrival is powerful enough to stop the action right then and there… or not. Orgasms happen and lust once again overrules everything else and immediately after the big one, oops, there’s that guilt again… and now even larger than it was before the shit jumped off. Then it’s like, “God, we shouldn’t have done that!” which, of course, is akin to closing the barn after all the animals have gotten into the wind. Now, what I think makes a difference is what happens after the fact, like, okay, shit, that shouldn’t have happened and it’ll never happen again.

      Should they have known better? Well, yeah… but in this, chemistry, in the form of lust, is a bitch to overcome if it’s really strong. If you really wanna get scientific about it, the “no conscience” thing comes into play during the fact – it’s like all cognitive functions just shut down and, if you think about it, it makes sense if you understand what’s going on with you during sex. Nah, sweetie, this isn’t really about being oblivious or clueless or even gullible enough to do whatever it is your mind’s telling you not to do – it’s about what’s going on with you when your mind does mention this to you – with emphasis on when, like before, during, or after the fact.

      Ya feeling me? You don’t have to speak on it, but just search your own memories for any moment you felt bad before, during, or after sex – and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Is it guilt? Regret? Something else no one has a name for?


  2. Up4Dsn

    12 November 2011 at 17:51

    The times that I’ve felt bad was afterwards. For me it was a moral feeling. I knew what I did wasn’t right and I wish I hadn’t done it. Yet, guilt can eat you up. So, I try to move on and not repeat that again.

    Very interesting post.


    • kdaddy23

      12 November 2011 at 19:36

      Thanks for your comments, J! Like, why do we feel like that after the fact? Why not before the fact, like, you’re now feeling bad about something you should have known not to do? Is it guilt? Some built-in moral code that exists outside the one we’ve been told about? Or is it something that comes out of our subconscious and for no apparent reason?


  3. Up4Dsn

    12 November 2011 at 21:19

    I can honestly say that I’ve experienced those thoughts and feelings before, during and after. If I experience them before, sometimes I’ve chose not to go through with what I was planning to do. Other times I was weak and ignored the feeling and thoughts. Then there were times during when I would get that feeling and stop what I was doing or sometimes I’d just continue and ignore what I was feeling. It all comes down to how strong I am and if I really do want stop what I was doing. I would prefer to be stronger instead of weaker. Therefore, I try not to continue when I get those types of feelings. I believe it is guilt and a built-in moral code and belief system.


    • kdaddy23

      12 November 2011 at 22:38

      Thanks again, J – I dig what you’re saying here and appreciate you saying it. I mean, seriously, how can one start out doing the deed from a position of strength… then feel otherwise at some point? One’s beliefs can be consciously overridden easily or not so much – it depends. What, exactly, do you feel guilty about if, say, you feel this while giving the old lady a toss? If you’re single and dating, well, the question stands as-is; if you’re not doing something illegal, what is there to feel guilty about? You don’t have the morality of monogamy to be concerned with but, oh, yeah, if you’re banging some other guy’s wife, well, um, you knew you were about to do something wrong… and did it anyway… then felt bad about it after the fact? What the hell is up with that? A morality violation? Sure – but you knew that – and I don’t mean you specifically – before you even got naked with her.

      Is this lust overriding common sense? Keep in mind that common sense is just the acceptance of certain “standards” within a gestalt of people – with the addition of that which makes sense to you specifically. So, if you’re okay with what you’re doing – and you’d have to be to decide that you are – um, what happened to change this? See, this whole “weak versus strong” thing is about our ability to resist the “natural” urge to hit that thing against one’s moral compass and however it exists. Whether one stops or continues at the point this happens isn’t at issue, although the processes behind this are equally interesting – it’s that you felt this way and for some reason you probably cannot really point a finger at and more so when you know you’re not doing anything wrong. Does it make sense to be “strong” during sex… only to somehow made to feel “weak” during and/or after… but not so much before?

      Thanks again, partner!



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