When you’re down and out, lift your head and shout, “Bullshit! Bullshit!”
The devil will rise and answer your cries, “Bullshit! Bullshit!”
This is one of those rhymes we used to run around chanting way back in the pre-teen days; I have no idea who created it, whether it existed before my time, or what – I just know it was rather appropriate and, uh-huh, tended to shock people who heard us shouting it at the top of our lungs… while we hoped no one knew our parents or where we lived.
I’ve been feeling kinda bummed out, dealing with aches and pains that, at the least, are very annoying and at the worse, scary. Some of it is the pain I’ve endured going on six years now, along with the feeling of numbness that’s not quite really being numb – it’s just impaired muscle function and at times, it really gets on my fucking nerves to not be able to curl my toes without have to concentrate like I’m trying to calculate pi or something.
My neck hurts… and it’s making my back hurt in that area that suggests a heart attack in progress… but, then again, thanks to my right side, it always kinda feels like that. Because my neck hurts, it’s making my left arm hurt – you see where I’m going, right? But, the heart is okay; when I lie down, the pains go away and that wouldn’t be the case if the old ticker was acting up. But who wants to be worried about this shit?
Then, if that wasn’t enough, my stomach wants to act up – reflux and, no, the medication isn’t as effective as I need it to be; the stuff that does work makes a crucial medication I take less effective and homey ain’t trying to hear that – I got enough issues as it is… damn!
Like my mother used to say, this getting old shit is for the birds! I get bummed out about this and I hear that rhyme running around in my mind and while I don’t go running around the house shouting “Bullshit! Bullshit!” – my lady would start looking for the number for the mental hospital – man, I am sure thinking it.
I never look forward to winter; all things considered, I wouldn’t be thrilled about it even if I liked this time of year – which I don’t. It snowed the other day and I was just fucking miserable – and I hadn’t been outside. Some people get those aches and pains in their joints when bad weather is on the way or in progress – my whole right side reacts to it and, after a while, it really starts to fuck with me.
I’m still trying to figure out why I’m not completely insane by now (depending on who you ask, that is). I get to read how others with CPS cope with their pains… and some of them are so heavily medicated that they can barely function – and, oh, yeah, they’re still hurting like crazy. Compared to them, I’m doing pretty good. I know that as along as I have my brain focusing on stuff, it doesn’t have time to really think about the pain but, jeez, it is so tiring!
The hardest thing about being bummed out about this stuff is knowing that you can’t let it keep you down; letting it not get you down is kinda impossible – the pain is a constant reminder so I know that, yeah, I’m gonna have these moments and the task now is to not let it drag me down into the dark depths of despair – I’ve been there and you just have no idea. Like I’ve said in the past, I used to wonder what would drive people with chronic, debilitating pain to end their lives… but not any more because I know why and to say it sucks doesn’t even come close to describing it.
You have a stroke like I did and it makes you paranoid about your health; I get a mild headache and it becomes a scary proposition and it’s just so fucked up trying to figure out if it’s just a headache or it’s something else. I wind up checking my BP and pulse – a lot – even though the medication is, in fact, doing its job.
You just get overloaded at times trying to cope with all this shit. I mean, if you’re working and get close to being burned out, you go on vacation, take a couple of weeks to decompress and then you’re ready to dive back in there. But, sadly, there’s no vacation from this, no reprieve you can seek because where I go, the pain and its nasty fellows just follow along with me.
At some point, I just throw my hands in the air out of frustration because there’s really nothing I can do about it; well, nothing I find acceptable. I could take more powerful drugs and become a zombie – that’s no fun, by the way. I probably need to have my brain scanned again just so I can know what the fuck is going on in there these days and I haven’t had a full, 12-lead EKG in a while so I gotta put that on my list of things to do – just to be double-damned sure, ya know? I don’t like those, by the way, because it takes me days to get that adhesive off me, not to mention that when they pull the leads off, um, some body hair wants to go with them – OUCH!
I’m okay, though… I’m just bummed and this will pass quickly. It’s just hard for either my ego or my intelligence to accept this – and I think this is a good thing because I feel the moment I stop fighting this, my ass is grass and I just refuse to let the pain and its friends win.
Now to get my mind back in the gutter; I’ve had this idea for a short story shuffling around in my head and I just haven’t gotten it pieced together yet. I know I need to get into my Word documents, find all the stories I’ve written (and finished) and get them uploaded to my ASSTR account but that’ll take a while to do; I’ll have to re-read them, correct any mistakes I missed when I wrote it, stuff like that. But I have what feels to be an incredibly filthy story in my head so maybe when the bummed-out period expires, I’ll be able to write it.