http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/the-heart-beat-blog-post?post=c616b70e-1137-4756-8a0a-5560b47a56e4 asks what I think is an interesting question: “When does a harmless habit become hurtful?”
My first (and probably unfunny) thought was, “When she says it is…” Seriously, I get the tone of the article and it’s nothing new – it’s an old argument and it was old when I was very young.
Watching porn. Okay, I’m a guy and, yeah, sometimes, I will actually watch some of the porn I collect. That, however, has nothing to do with my feelings toward my lady; those occasional glimpses at the collection are just that and could never displace my feelings and desire for her. Porn has a lot of nice (and even famous) eye-candy but, well, I guess I’m either too cynical or too much of a realist because while Jenna Jameson looks like a nice piece of ass, she’s not my woman – she’s just an actress who fucks for a living, no more, no less.
So… if a woman’s man doesn’t look at her the same way he’d look at Jenna – and react to her in a like manner as well – yep, I can see how her self-esteem could be smarting. I did happen to think – and it’s just an observation and not my personal opinion – that if women were “porn stars” for their man, maybe this wouldn’t happen as often as it does. A woman once told me that a man wants a lady in public and a whore in bed and, honestly, I guess I was too much of a gentleman to accept that…except, well, um, er… yeah, I guess we do, huh?
That some women might not agree with this is understandable; they may have reason not to be like that for their man (or any man for that matter). But I also think that any woman who felt she had to compete with a professional in this, well, make an appointment so we can talk… because there’s something really wrong here.
I read this article and, again seriously, yeah, I can see how this can be a problem for some but, really, if your man is spending more time watching porn instead of laying pipe to you, well, you might want to find out why and, oh, yeah, don’t be surprised if he points the finger at you for the reason why he’s subscribed to all the porn channels on cable. I have heard guys, in response to this (but never to their woman, of course) say that it’s her fault that he’s watching so much porn; I have heard women who watch a lot of porn say (and, again, not in front of their man) that if he knew how to satisfy her (or did it more often), she wouldn’t have to watch porn.
Both can be seen as valid arguments and the somewhat obvious solution is for the both of you to be porn stars with each other – but who’s gonna do that? That’s too much to ask of each other, huh? Tried that with someone else back in the day and it didn’t go well, eh? She’s too stuck up and he’s just an insensitive prick who doesn’t seem to care how such a thing would make her feel.
So, he watches tons of porn… and she gets self-esteem issues (or switch it around if you care to).
Even I wouldn’t be stupid enough to say, “Well, it’s just something guys do…” because that’s not really an excuse – maybe it was for the generation before my own and even for generations before that. If, as men, we are aware that our women want us to really be into them – and we have the sense that watching a lot of porn really does upset her, well, which is the more important thing here? You fuck around too much with the porn and you’ll be by yourself watching it because women ain’t trying to keep getting their self-esteem in this trashed at every turn.
At the same time, ladies – and just in case you thought I forgot about some of you – if he’s gonna be that into you, um, he’ll want to spend as much time as possible really being into you, if you catch my drift here and if you ain’t feeling that – and some of you might not for whatever reason makes sense to you – guess what he’s gonna spend his time doing?
Hey, Mystery… c’mere, c’mere, c’mere – oh, no, get away, get away, get away!
Now, I found this part funny: “While one might argue that the men weren’t there to confirm their habits in the study, it’s apparent that pornography is negatively affecting an increasing number of relationships.”
Really? Um, that’s great scientific method, ain’t it? Which is what prompted my probably unfunny thought mentioned in the beginning of this. Yeah, I’m poking some fun here, too, but really. If you don’t feel in your heart and soul that you’re a porn star, it’s okay – I hear it’s not that easy a job as it appears to be. You do have to believe in yourself and if your man’s affections are drifting, instead of wallowing in some negative emotions, find out (or figure out) why they are – then do something about it.
Sometimes, gang, I think this whole discussion is rooted in the difference between men and women and how, what, and when we think about sex, the things that turn us on or, if you’re in a relationship, stuff you’re supposed to not let you get turned on… if that makes any sense. Men have been known to get bent out of shape to learn that when they’re fucking their woman, oh, lawd, she might not be thinking about him while he’s doing it. Likewise, let a guy make a comment about some hot porn star he saw on some flick and he might find himself sleeping on the sofa for a few because we’re supposed to only have eyes – and lust – for each other… not that humans actually really behave like this to begin with – it’s an ideal situation that we’ve made into a reality and, indeed, a requirement for being in a relationship.
It’s probably just me but there seems to be something a little cockeyed about that. While that female porn star might be as hot as hell and that male porn star has a dick so big it would make your momma blush and pass the hell out, the reality is an easy one to assimilate: They’re actors. They get paid to do this. Porn is entertainment, “art” trying to imitate life and, as such, should not be used or seen as a replacement for one’s partner.
You get your head around this somewhat obvious thought and one’s self-esteem can never suffer. See porn for what it is and not how, why, or if any of that movie magic really applies to you as a person and as a woman. If your man wants a porn star, well, be his personal porn star, if that’s not gonna be too hard of a thing for you to do.
Yes, I know there’s a lot of personal integrity going on here but I ask a simple question (or it’s simple to me): Which is desirable – having him all over you like a bad and horny habit – or him spending a lot of time watching Jenna getting nailed every which way but loose?
You decide on that one. If homey’s watching a lot of porn to get himself revved up to do you, hmm, ya might want to ask him why that trip is even necessary. Some porn as stimulus – that’s okay – can even be tons of fun, too. But, if not taken in moderation, well, someone’s feelings are gonna get hurt somewhere along the line.
And that’s just not good eats.