In her comments to “Dumb Dudes,” Mystery said something about cheating and I wanted to take a few minutes to jot down some thoughts about bisexuality and cheating.
I do know, for a fact, that there are men and women who get into bisexual sex and to be fulfilled in this, yeah, they’ve cheated on their straight partner. I also happen to know that some of the people I know who have done this got busted and had to face a shit storm at two levels: One because they cheated and, two, the cheating with a member of the same sex.
Here’s the problem bisexuals in a relationship face: They feel the way they do; they have the urge and/or need to physically express their feelings in this – and they can’t because the rules of monogamy says, “Keep your fucking hands where they belong!” and, yes, this applies to people who aren’t married as well.
No wonder there are so many severely depressed bisexuals as well as so many bisexuals out there roaming the DL looking for the sexual satisfaction they cannot get with a straight partner. While I don’t advocate cheating, the question I always ponder is whether or not it is fair for one partner to deny the other partner the sexual satisfaction that they require. If you obey the rules of monogamy, the answer is always, “Yes.”
When I hear that someone has cheated on their partner to either get some dick or satisfy their taste for pussy, it’s always one of those “Oh, shit!” moments. I always remember that scene in “Bladerunner” when Deckert (Harrison Ford) asks the replicant, Rachel – played by the devastatingly beautiful Sean Young – about her husband putting up a nude poster in their bedroom and what she’d do. Her answer was that she would make him take it down; when Deckert asked why, she said, “I should be enough for him.”
And that’s the assumed premise, isn’t it, that whoever we’re with is, in fact, going to be enough. The dynamic, however, never took into consideration something that’s proven to be very real: What if they’re not? Not only did they not cover this base for heterosexual things, they sure as hell didn’t make any provisions for bi- and homosexuals. Of course, I know why they didn’t… but not everything that goes on with sex, men, and women has something to do with securing a viable reproductive outlet.
When poly “wife” #1 questioned me about my sexuality, one of the first things out of her mouth was, “What, you don’t like having sex with us?” The next question: “What, you don’t like the way we suck you?” Budding bisexuals take note: Your partner finds out you’re bi, you will have to answer questions like this because they will think that your sexuality has something to do with being displeased with them.
Anyway, the way I responded (and some of you have heard this before) was to tell her that when I get the urge to suck dick, um, she doesn’t have one and that no amount of pussy is going to replace that particular urge… and, yes, I do like having sex with y’all and, yes, I do like the way you suck me. Her response: “Well, I don’t know why you feel the need to do that in the first place…”
This is why bisexuals don’t let their partners know that they’re bi and perhaps satisfying their bi urges on the side; as fucked up as it sounds, unless you’ve got a really fucking cool partner who really understands such things – and the two of you are in a very secure relationship, the only two options bisexuals have are to put their urges on the shelf and settle for straight sex only… or cheat on their partner.
For those of you who might be thinking that the bisexual should be strong enough to resist the urge to cheat on their partner, yeah, you’re probably right because there are bisexuals in relationships who do, in fact, resist that urge… but that’s not the way it usually works, I’m afraid.
Yeah, you can try to provide other sexual distractions for your resident bisexual and, um, sure, that might be enough to keep their mind off the other stuff… but now it gets kinda weird in that their bisexual urges is about sex (most of the time)… but not necessarily straight sex. Again, if a female bisexual wants that special intimacy that only another woman can provide, you can lay the pipe to her nine ways to Sunday and never scratch her itch for a slice of the damp tuna.
I would suppose – and maybe presume – that straight partners faced with having to deal with a bisexual feel and/or believe that they shouldn’t be feeling like that to begin with… but we should remember that while we can do something about the way we might act on our feelings, there’s not a whole lot we can do about having the feelings to begin with. Submerging those feelings, while totally possible, can act as a catalyst for other – and potentially more harmful – behaviors.
Frustration can manifest itself consciously or, worse, subconsciously because somewhere in their mind, the feelings are hanging out in their brains and can be felt as ‘pressure’, for lack of a better word at this moment. The urge hits them, it gets suppressed… but there are some urges that don’t like being suppressed and the more it gets suppressed, well, I can say from a position of experience that this can bring out some pretty fucked up reactions – and ya might not even be aware of it. Having to suppress bisexual urges can manifest frustration, irritability, and even resentment toward the straight partner; there can be a great deal of unhappiness, moodiness, some disinterest in having straight sex with their partner – oh, the list is rather long.
And while the straight partner really ain’t trying to hear ‘allowing’ their bisexual partner to get their itch scratched, for those whose needs have reached the point where something must be done about it, they really have only one recourse: Cheat.
It sounds fucked up; it sounds like a situation that should never, ever, happen… and none of what you believe in this changes the fact that it does happen because, as we all know, cheating happens when someone feels that their needs are not being taken care of by the person they’re with.
Again and again, if your bi guy is craving dick, um, girlfriend, you don’t have one so you cannot satisfy that particular craving. Okay, sure, if he likes getting it in the butt, his lady can get one of those strap-on thingies and give him the business big time… which isn’t quite the same as having a dude attached to a real dick handling the business. Women might be able to relate to this if and when they break out their vibrator or even their vibrating dildo: It can get the job done but it’s not a replacement for the real thing.
And for the ladies who require that feminine touch, well, you can have a man who is, in fact, a master cunnilinguist… but it’s not the same as having a woman eating at the Y. It gets down to the subliminal aspects of sexual interaction and that’s a little difficult to put into words so if you’re of a mind that it doesn’t make a difference, yeah, it does make a difference.
Even among straight folks, we can see how sexual desires can really put a strain on the monogamous relationship. There’s “keeping only unto yourself…” and then there’s that itch that needs scratching and while it can be ignored, it’s not going to go away. I have heard bisexuals say – and with conviction – “Yeah, I feel that way but I don’t have to do anything about it.” This is all well and good and maybe even right and proper.
But the itch is still there. Not saying that one has to scratch it or that it should be scratched… but it is there just the same. It creates a bit of a dilemma: Being and remaining true to the relationship versus having the responsibility of taking care of one’s own needs and desires; it is, has, can and will be a recipe for relationship disaster most of the time because one might, at some point, start to wonder which is more important, one’s relationship or their need to do whatever needs to be done about the way they are.
It’s a really fucked up position to be in; it kinda reminds me of a scene I saw on “Cops” where the police had a dude handcuffed for something he did… and his nuts started to itch and he couldn’t scratch them and, of course, the cops weren’t going to do it or take off the cuffs so he could scratch them himself.
Can you even imagine…?
Just a little something for y’all to think about over the coming holiday weekend, along with my hopes and wishes that you all have a safe and fun time wherever you go and whatever you do.