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Living the Lie

08 Sep

I was just reading a good friend’s blog where she wonders how it’s possible for a man to enjoy having sex with both men and women… and categorically deny that he’s bisexual… and she’s not alone in this because I’ve often wondered the exact same thing.

Okay, given societal norms and the male ego, I can understand some resistance to a guy shouting to the mountaintops that he’s bisexual – it’s an image thing.  I actually know several men who will deny that they’re bisexual in a flat, skinny second and their reasoning always has me rolling my eyes and shaking my head so much I can her my cervical spine cracking.

They will admit that they’ve either had their cock sucked by a guy or fucked a guy in the ass – and on several occasions – and will still deny that they’re anything but straight… and all because they didn’t return any favors.  So, in their minds, if they’re not getting fucked or they’re not sucking dick, they’re not bisexual.

Which, of course, is such an obvious lie that I am surprised that dudes continue to fall back on it to maintain their image of masculinity.

The other thing I’ve heard from some of the guys I know is that because it’s not something they do all the time, they’re not bisexual; they prefer to have sex with women first and foremost and since this is their stated preference, well, they’re straight… right?  Okay, okay, I have said here and in a whole lot of other places that if a man has a sexual experience with another man – and only had it once (and regardless of the outcome) – no one on this planet would say that he is bisexual.  In fact, no one would really hold this singular incident against him because, as John said in his comment to my last blog, men tend to experiment with such things.  So, if you did it – and it doesn’t matter whether you liked it or not – and that’s the only time in the rest of your existence that such a thing happens, nope, you ain’t bisexual.

Ah, but if you do it again, hmm, ya might be bi unless, of course, you have a somewhat scientific mind and decide that you have to do it again to determine whether or not it’s really your cup of tea because, seriously, that first time might not have been very representative, if you follow me.  But if you keep doing it when opportunities present themselves – and you’re still happily laying pipe to women in between, well, you’re that duck quacking.

In what I would call a classic case of denial is the guy I know who sucks dick and gets his butt reamed out almost on a regular basis… and he said that he wasn’t bisexual – he’s a sub and is only following his dom’s orders.  Yeah, right… sure you are.  He denied being bisexual because (a) he didn’t like dudes sucking his dick, (b) he never fucks guys in the ass and, (c) he doesn’t like guys like that.  Now, I don’t pretend to understand the whole D/s dynamic… but I do know one thing and that’s you’re not going to get me to do something I do not want to do – period.

Do ya hear ducks quacking?  I do as does the other people who know this guy.

Here’s the thing that makes me blink so fast my eyelids get cramped:  A guy’s lady has actually watched him get sucked by a guy and, on another occasion, sucked dick… but he’s not bi, never has been, never will be.  Now, fellas, I understand keeping such a thing under your hat because it’s not something you’d want a whole lot of people knowing what you’re into.  But, um, if your woman has witnessed this – and you’ve confessed that you’ve done it before, um, why keep denying the obvious – and more so if your woman is very okay with this aspect of you?

I get that people have issues with labels and, yup, the bisexual label tends to freak a lot of people out if you’re a guy, makes a lot of people very horny if you’re bi and a girl – but that’s another blog for another time.  I’ve said that labels wouldn’t bother people so much if they just looked at them for what they are – just a way for us to define our environment because, without labels, how the fuck would we know what anything was?  I think people take too much issue with labels… and perhaps, in this case, guys offer up so much resistance to this label because it is just too close to the truth?

There are those who would argue against accepting the bisexual label simply because they’re not attracted to men.  I tend to poo-poo that argument because I know I’m not attracted to men as I am with women… and I’m bisexual.  I’ve always found it interesting how attraction gets tossed into formulating the lie because regardless of what a lot of people have to say about it, um, attraction, while nice, isn’t always required – all you need is for the other guy to say yes.

See, I think some dudes get being bisexual confused with being gay and, honestly, the only thing the two orientations share is simply this:  The sex is all homosexual sex.  Sure, there are bi guys who do have that affinity for men – and that’s fine, nothing wrong with that.  Still and again, we tend to judge people by their actions more than what they’ve said:  If you’re having sex with men and women, you’re bisexual.  People are proving that, no, they ain’t gonna fall in love with the other guy or be walking down the street holding hands or even spending long moments staring into each other’s eyes.

But when the dicks get hard?  Oh, it’s on and now it’s all about lust and that drive to get one’s nuts emptied and by any means possible.

It occurs to me that some of you just might be thinking, “Well, that’s easy for you to say – you’re comfortable with your sexuality!  Duh!”

And you’d be right – I am quite comfortable with it… and maybe, just maybe, this is the key for those guys who are living the lie when the evidence says otherwise.  In this, all I can offer up is for those fellas to find a way to become comfortable with it… because continued denial, in the long run, isn’t a good thing for one’s mental stability.  You don’t have to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re bi; hell, you don’t even have to tell the woman you’re living with that you are and more so if confessing will trash the relationship.

But stop lying to yourself about it; in this, it’s not what you think – it’s still what you’re doing and regardless to how or when you’re doing it.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on 8 September 2012 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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8 responses to “Living the Lie

  1. redwinenroses

    10 September 2012 at 20:23

    My thoughts exactly! Why lie when the woman knows and approves? It just doesn’t make good sense to me!

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    • kdaddy23

      10 September 2012 at 22:49

      I can see not letting the whole world know… but when you’re lying to yourself and the woman who knows what you’ve done, that’s the real crime being committed here because, as I just recently read, if you will lie about your sexual desires, what else might you lie about?

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  2. Sunny

    12 September 2012 at 16:37

    I know plenty of females that think the same way. Just because they got head from a chic and/or slept with a chic doesn’t make them bi. Like okay you tried it once fine. But twice and came back for more…and will do it again yeah ur bi. LOL

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    • kdaddy23

      12 September 2012 at 16:45

      Hi, Sunny! It’s good to hear from you again! Yep, just like oral sex ain’t sex, huh? I just find it so amazing that people will literally dive head first into this… but categorically deny that they swing that way.

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  3. Sugar

    18 September 2012 at 14:28

    “you don’t even have to tell the woman you’re living with that you are and more so if confessing will trash the relationship.” You lost me there. I don’t mind if my guy is bisexual, but I do mind if he’s an imposter. I also mind if he’s engaging in behavior that would put me at risk for disease. What relationship will be trashed if you’re dishonest from the start?

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    • kdaddy23

      18 September 2012 at 15:02

      Welcome, Sugar, and thank you for your comments. To explain, the first thing a guy has to do is admit to himself – and get comfortable with – the fact that he feels this way. One mistake a lot of guys make in this is wanting to tell everyone what the deal is with him and while there are women who would be comfortable and even tickled that her man is like this, more often than not, the relationship will be at great risk. Should he tell her? If he’s gonna be getting his freak on in this way, yes, he should; but if he isn’t, then it’s not being dishonest if he doesn’t tell her about this and more so IF he knows that telling her – even if he’s never going to do anything about it – is going to jeopardize the relationship. I don’t know about women but men wind up having to flip a mental coin on this one and most guys will opt to not bring this up to her just to keep the current peace. I’ve been bi like forever… but if I had to choose between telling my woman that I was and taking the risk of losing her by telling her something she can’t abide by, I’m going to err on the side of caution and not mention it… unless she does. Another coin flip: If it comes up, I spill my guts and take my chances; if I get that strong urge to get my freak on in this, I’ll spill my guts and take my chances; however, if it never comes up – and I can keep all of this in my head and out of my crotch, well, no, it might sound dishonest but I’m not going to mention it.

      You would have to experience what can go very wrong by coming out to her to understand this one. If you, as an example, were to tell your man you were bisexual, chances are he wouldn’t have a problem with that – but some dudes do, which is why there are bisexual women out there and their man has no idea that she is. Is she being dishonest… or did she decide to maintain the peace and stability of the relationship? When you put this into this particular context, there’s a lot of shit going on in our heads that our partners do not know about… and no one thinks that they’re being dishonest by not revealing those things – and some of that could be important, right? We tend to act in the sense of “what you don’t know won’t hurt you” but this isn’t one of those things and, again, given the choice between being honest and possibly ruining what is a great relationship, most people will keep silent.

      You can’t assume that (a) his woman is going to accept this about him and (b) that he’s going to go buck-wild to engage in this kind of sex; as I’ve said – and I know from experience – that a lot of women aren’t going to accept this and not all bisexual guys are out there doing whatever because we might be horny, but we’re not all stupid. However, if he is bisexual and she knows that he is, well, just admit it instead of constantly denying something they both know. This is the real point I’m trying to get across.

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      • Sugar

        19 September 2012 at 10:41

        Hey – thanks for the well thought out response. I agree with the real point you are making. My apologies – obviously I was projecting my stuff. I thought that I could gain some knowledge from you because your blog sounded thoughtful and introspective and you’re a bisexual man! Now I realize that the only thing you and my bi bf have in common is that you’re both bisexual (and perhaps not even that). I should have commented on your ‘cheating’ post about my issues, now that I read it.
        Since I’m here, I still say that it’s irresponsible not to disclose your bisexuality early on even if you’re never going to ‘cheat’. If the woman you’re courting has a problem with your bisexuality – then you two were never meant to be together in the first place. On that first night together discussing things like ‘your first time’ – It’s not fair to tell her about your first time with Suzie when you were 17, and leave out all those times in the park with Mike, and all those old guys in the boys room since you were 14 (which doesn’t have to be laid out in detail). At this point, you’re an imposter and a liar. She asked you point blank who you are – and you only divulged the heterosexual side of you. That’s lying about who you are – why would you even want to be with a woman who doesn’t embrace that side of you? Anyway, I might be in the wrong place because I am starting to believe that mine is not an issue about his bisexuality, but that he is gay. Thanks for responding – I’m really enjoying reading about what’s in your head 🙂 – peace

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      • kdaddy23

        19 September 2012 at 13:36

        With HIV/AIDS still running rampant, yes, it is irresponsible not to disclose it from the beginning, depending on how long you’ve been at this and what you’ve been doing. Guys, though, have this, um, problem in that if there’s a woman we want to be with and we even think she’s gonna flip out because of this, again, it’s a coin flip; do I tell her or do I just leave it alone? Another way to look at this is that everyone has secrets, those things that they wouldn’t tell anyone; is it dishonest to have these things in your head, knowing that it’s stuff you wouldn’t tell your parents, family, or other friends? Having said that, the only time those things get reveal is if a situation comes up that calls for something to be unlocked. I could go on forever with all the permutations and situational things that can crop up in this. Is he exercising his judgement in this… or is he a lying, fudge-packing, cock sucking son-of-a-bitch?

        Men and women have been doing “don’t ask, don’t tell” about this for longer than I’ve been alive. It doesn’t make any sense but it is what it is. As I mentioned before, you’d have to be on the receiving end of the shit storm a woman can bring to bear if you tell her – or she finds out – that you don’t just like pussy. I can, again, tell you from experience that it ain’t pretty – and I’m sugar-coating it. If you go through this a few times and having to listen to her calling you a faggot (which you’re not) and that you don’t love her (and you do) and that you ain’t happy with the sex you’re having with her (and you are), is there any question about why you might not reveal this to the next woman you meet, provided this one leaves you, that is – that doesn’t always happen. Some women take this as a direct affront to her being a woman… and I’ve yet to figure out what the one thing has to do with the other.

        Well, Sugar, if you’re hanging out here with me, you’re definitely in the right place! Because now you’ve piqued my curiosity over the possibility your boyfriend might really be gay! So please – hang around!

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