What Are We Doing Here?

09 Sep

My friends, I spend time reading the various blogs here and they are such a wealth of information!  It’s amazing, the amount of stuff that flows from the minds of bloggers to their fingers and I feel so privileged to be privy to the inner workings of their minds.

So, at one point in our lives, we all have probably asked ourselves, “What are we doing here?  Just what the fuck is all of this about?”  Sometimes, it’s like we’re either like rats in a maze, scurrying around and trying to find our way to the prize while at other times, we’re like those same rats hauling ass on our self-made wheels, going balls to the walls and getting absolutely nowhere.

While I’m watching “Mission to Mars” – great movie, by the way – and waiting for football to come on, I was thinking about life, living, and loving, all the things we have done, are doing, and will do in some future.  From things sexual to the constant search for the ‘perfect’ companion to form a relationship, I found myself shaking my head over the way a lot of us spend our lives just chasing dreams, illusions, and so many other things in our constant pursuit of happiness.

We realize, at some point, that our lives must have meaning; otherwise, we’re just existing and not really living.  In this, we see the power of the human imagination as well as the incredibly small box that our biology and ideology has built around us that contains the maze we spend our lives trying to navigate successfully, whatever that might mean.

I read blogs from people who have their questions and views on relationships; they speak to the inherent problems of being one with someone else as well as the joys that can be had.  A lot of us empty our minds onto the screen about sex, sexuality, and the things that delight us about this, the things that scare and trouble us, as well as those things that can bring us such orgasmic delight.

I read about our successes in these things, as well as our many failures that leave us asking why things have to be the way they are, why do all the bad things about this tend to follow and plague us, denying us the happiness we know is obtainable and, of course, so very much desired.

I found myself doing something I rarely do, namely, saying to myself, “If I knew then what I know now…” and, hell, isn’t that something we all do at some point?  Today, fourteen days from my birthday, I think I get it; I know why we tackle the maze and run madly on the wheel.  I better understand sex, sexuality, and relationships today than I ever did in the past… so when I read of the trials and tribulations others have shared, I ask myself, “What the fuck are we doing to ourselves in this?  Why do we make things harder than they have to be?”

We all want the same things out of life and key to these wants is our desire to not only have good sex but to also have a great relationship with someone so that we can share each other’s lives and, hopefully, just bask in all the happiness that can be had.  And some of us do just that and even make the quest to have these things look easy.

And a lot of us don’t and that, my dear friends, just never fails to amaze me.  I realized, in a moment of clarity, that we really don’t know what the fuck we’re doing in any of this.  Perhaps we’re hard-wired to learn things via trial and error and, um, that’s really kinda fucked up since we spend more time getting it wrong than we do getting it right.  Along the way, we have developed so many ways to achieve the goals that, ultimately, we all want and those things are often so convoluted that it doesn’t surprise me any longer that we spend more time failing that we do succeeding.

And, sometimes, by the time we finally get it right, we have very little time remaining to enjoy it all.

I gave some thought to our pursuit of sexual pleasure and, man, ain’t we all over the place with this one!  It’s really not as straightforward as we’ve been led to believe and despite the once-solid box that our morality has built around us, well, there are holes in the walls of this box and the wall are beginning to crumble because while our morality is all well and good, we are nothing if not creative in finding so many other ways to have an orgasm.

Yet, we don’t always get that right, either, because we’ve been conditioned to respond and react to certain things instead of paying attention to all that may be possible.  As we gain experience in these things, we become jaded, selective, and even prejudiced to a great degree.  We hurt each other in this, become disillusioned and disappointed because we just can’t figure out why we can’t always have the sexual satisfaction we crave, that whole perpetuation of the species thing notwithstanding.

We fuss and fight about sexuality; we battle each other over the merits of monogamy versus the, ah, illicit joys and pleasures that can be had if the rules of monogamy are ignored.  I don’t know about any of you reading this, but when I sit back and think about all of this, the way we behave is insane because we really do keep doing the same things over and over and expect different results.

In this, we often let our fears make us foolish; fuck, we will even let other instill needless fears into us as they seek to impose their wills upon us so when you – or if you – can step back and look at it all as objectively as you can, well, it’s a dumb way to behave.  We have, for reasons I have yet to fathom, turned our backs on the sex we can have in favor of the sex we want to have.  I like to call it designer sex; it’s ‘my’ idea of how getting my cookies crumbled should go which, of course, clashes again the idea of others in this regard.

It amazes me how much we’ve learned about sex and sexuality, just as it amazes me of just how totally ignorant we are of what we’re doing in any of this.  We’ve never been on the same page about this, from the schism that exists between men and women right down to the gulf that exists within genders.  It makes me ask the question that if our goal in this is orgasmic satisfaction, why are we so unwilling to do whatever’s necessary to achieve that goal?

We eventually figure out how to fuck… and without really understanding what sex is all about.

I was thinking about all those books Mystery likes to read and while I wouldn’t say it’s a bad thing, it does make me wonder about a lot of things because there are so many books out there on how to improve ourselves, how to have better sex within the box (preferably), and how to have better relationships… but there are also many books out there that continue to pit man against woman, exposing our faults and shortcomings… like that really helps matters at the end of the day.

That we have faults and shortcomings is a given – we are human and, thus, imperfect after all.  But when we use these things as sticks to beat each other with, shit, what are we doing here?  Why must all this conflict exist and getting between us and the joys we all give our lives to achieve?

It doesn’t make sense, does it?  It’s not as if we don’t know what we want in these particular things and it’s clear that despite all that has happened and the things we’ve learned over the ages, we just can’t get it right.  We remain at odds with each other in this and fail more than we succeed.

And the question that will be asked until the end of time is, “Why?”  It would be nice if there was one ‘perfect’ way for us to do all that we want and need to do… but as long as there’s one person out there who thinks their way is the best way to do any of this, we will keep searching for the prize in the maze and will continue to run quickly on the wheel to nowhere.

Time for football.


Posted by on 9 September 2012 in Life, Living and Loving



13 responses to “What Are We Doing Here?

  1. mysterycoach

    10 September 2012 at 07:03

    Amen. I’m doing laundry so I’m on my phone. The whole thing ….you kniw how I feel about all of these things. I gotta go for now.


  2. MysteryCoach

    10 September 2012 at 09:46

    Okay. 🙂 I’m BACK! I like this… it covers everything. When I was younger and married to mean guy, I read books on that as well and a few others. I don’t remember which ones, I loaned them out and you know, people do not return things.

    Initially, I read to educate myself and what I was doing or not doing and when you do this, what comes “with it” this mini education through reading, is you start to see things in other people based on what you just learned. You start reading these things all the time, variables, differences, behavioral patterns, etc., etc., and you see even more in others. Which, is fine, however it can take the focus off of the primary person. Which is “us” the individual.

    The part I hate the most is when we fail (miserably I might add) to use self help in the manner it was created. Which is to help learn about who WE ARE not what we can make everyone else. In the healthiest sense, we use the things we learn for good. Some use it to protect themselves to the umpteenth level and THEN they twist something very good, into something VERY bad to serve themselves. Then they say… Well, it’s healthy to do, x, y and Z… but at that point, it’s only being used as a self protective mechanism to justify their fuck up so they don’t have to take any responsibility for “their” actions.

    This aspect? I have found to be massively interesting because I’ve been exposed to this behavior and mindset many times. MANY and 🙂 Thank god… I finally learned the lesson. I will “never” not pay attention again. Meaning, the benefit of the doubt is a wonderful thing, I am a fan but we really do have to pay attention to the things people do and we really have to address them. Right up front. Right in the beginning. Right when it strikes a nerve because it’s that intuitive, gut feeling that we ignore, that later causes the biggest problem.

    And some are so good at twisting things around to suit their own purposes, whatever that may be… they hurt others in this process. I used to say, “I don’t know shit” when I got into coaching. On here someone else reminded me how often I used to say that and I thought… Yah, I still don’t know shit. 🙂 Interestingly enough, I know quite a bit of shit at this point in my life. Course, it hasn’t been evident in my blog the past couple of years because I needed to vent and process as we all do. That’s cool.

    When I do things. I don’t do them only because of what it means to me “alone”. What am I getting out of it. As you know, I put thought into both sides of what I could possibly do to someone if I do x, y or z. The reality is, most people do things and it’s all about them, even when it is for someone else. The intentions may be good, that’s cool. Human nature, to me, at this point and time based on everything I see, read, have experienced etc., is it’s all about us at the end of the day.

    If, we are… very lucky, very fortunate etc., we’ll find someone of like mind, who we can compromise with, laugh with, work together, have reciprocity and all those cool things that a healthy relationship is made of … One person “cannot” over shadow the other. It’s illogical and I’m not talking about being supportive of one another or sacrificing etc., at times. One person’s needs (barring illness, you know… stuff like that) should not be more important than the other person we’re involved with. It’s not logical. It creates resentment, fear, anger, it’s off balance…

    And I see too, some blogs where people will say “Oh, well I gave HIM/HER this other chance but they’re on a time limit”… Oh fuck off. Wouldja? I mean, if you get back together with another human being, go get counselling. Go learn how to work out your shit “together”. One person having the ultimatum of their foot out the door, just killed the whole thing and it’s control over another. Because Oh, well… if I fuck up you’re leaving or they’re leaving. Ya know.

    I could go on and on and on. My idea of a good and healthy relationship may differ from someone else’s. That’s cool. At no point though should all those games people play, the manipulation, the bullshit, using healthy personal growth and shit for GOOD be used to make ones self “right” and someone else “wrong”. Mutuality? Gee… there’s a concept.

    Touche MAN! Long comment or what? and I’m not even warmed up. 🙂


    • kdaddy23

      10 September 2012 at 13:05

      Of course, you know I wasn’t busting your cute ass about all that reading you do. The thing that gets me – and it’s something I’m only just now beginning to realize – is why so many people turn to a book of some kind to figure out what they’re doing (or not doing) with their lives. There are so many of them; there are so many people who have written their ideas on the various subjects and it’s so much information and so diverse as to be confusing. Then again, I’ve always been self-motivating, thanks to a mother who impressed upon me that if I don’t do it, I can look forward to spending some time paddling on Shit Creek. Reading about sex and relationships… wow, what a mess that is. I’m not saying that such books are wrong or not helpful to people… but they’re based on a standard of behavior that doesn’t accurately reflect the real-deal we can encounter.

      And despite these things, we still sit back and wonder just what the fuck we’re doing here, don’t we? More often than not, we wind up with more questions than answers, a situation that can defeat a lot of people because we need to know what we’re doing and why we’re doing it; we need to be able to separate idealism from reality and, at some point, maybe decide not to follow the same path so many others have in order to find that which suits either the way we want to live and maybe find that singular niche that defines our existence.

      I think I have a good and healthy relationship with my baby… and we both try to manipulate the hell out of each other because we both believe that our ‘way’ of handling the relationship is the best way to do it. Given our personalities, we do spend a bit of time bumping heads with each other… but here’s the thing that folks like our children ask us: What makes your relationship so trouble and stress free? For us, the answer is easy: The relationship isn’t about me or her – it’s about us so we go about things thinking “us” first, then “me” when necessary. We don’t argue; neither of us have the patience or the temperament for that; we know that we can agree to disagree so once we speak our minds on something, that’s the end of it.

      Then again, before one can get to this point, you gotta go through all the bullshit and, yep, the two of us have been around the block so many times we both have streets named after us. The problem most people have is that they want to be, say, where we are… but without paying the necessary dues in this. It’s not easy to do like that and, as you accurately point out, we often fail miserably and I maintain that we fail more than we succeed because we spend more time chasing an idea than dealing with the reality of what life can throw at you.


      • MysteryCoach

        10 September 2012 at 13:49

        Oh goodness, I wasn’t offended at all 🙂 I don’t care, I’m a psychological book, internet, whatever junkie! hahaha! I love that stuff.

        And too, I think the problem also comes a little bit, when a person reads “one” book and assumes because it agrees with them in some way, everything must be engraved in stone. It’s a nice big cluster fuck. I’m not saying a good book is not helpful, I am saying that there are always variables. Because there are so many different kinds to chose from as well.

        Relationships are difficult, I wish I didn’t have to say it because it stinks. I have been going over things like this for 10 years. 10! Well, I hadda 3 year break in there and I got all rusty’n’sheeit but this goes to venue and how we meet someone as well, they’re different. Even with all I knew and all the venting I did and stuff, the last lesson I learned “again” from someone else? Is … don’t compromise on your values if they’re that important to you. I don’t mind agreeing to disagree at all… there are those things though where if you compromise there is no guarantee of things working out in a healthy fashion once it gets to that “point” where both parties have a strong belief about something and dig their heels in.

        We learn “good” relationship skills and then we use those skills and it comes down to what you’re saying. US … not me or you, US… in a relationship. Whether it’s friendship, a romantic relationship, even a work environment and you know how much I complained about work. That was because of the lack of healthy things going on there. Which I can’t stand, there’s no room for that in anyone’s life and it’s not something I ever (hopefully) have to contend with again.

        Now that I’m paying attention, as we need to … and had my lessons served on a hot plate, we’ll see what happens. What I do know FOR SURE is that no matter how much we express something to someone else, if they are not on the same page as we are … someone is going to get hurt. I’ll talk about it till I’m blue in the face, but there’s that point where you sit back … your heart hurts and you say, “okay, we’re not on the same page.” I was at the wedding this weekend? Thinking about the history of myself and those there and I realized that all I want for people is for them to stop going around hurting one another.

        Maybe I can teach people to honor themselves more and maybe it wouldn’t happen as often. I’d LOVE THAT … and with this comes learning about myself and then talking it out with whomever. Doesn’t mean it’ll get resolved in a good way sometimes, however least we try. I have no regrets. I’m cool with that. I did the best I could in any situation, with the knowledge that I had at the time.


      • kdaddy23

        10 September 2012 at 14:26

        What I have learned so far is that our existence is centered on two things: Sex and relationship. Working, making money, all that stuff comes into play as well – I’m just getting to the heart of the matter. It is how we manage and even mismanage sex and relationships that, ultimately, winds up defining our lives as we continually strive to have the best relationship possible… and to fuck like it’s illegal.

        In the pursuit of happiness, I know that I’ve done so many things and, yeah, mostly so I can have the best relationship possible… and all the sex I can handle. It sounds rather shitty, doesn’t it? But when you take a huge step back and try to be objective about all of this, well, these two things tend to stand out and is, believe it or not, a combination of what men want as well as what women want; making this work as smoothly as possible is the real trick and the one a lot of us never learn. If it was possible for EVERYONE to be in the good relationship (with the good sex, too), the first time we fell in love with someone would be the only time we did; we’d cleave to them and never, ever, have a reason to want or need anyone – or anything – else.

        Except… it just doesn’t work like that and it never did and one of the things we have to do, when trying to qualify and quantify our existence, is to be aware of this. The majority of what we do in this aspect is by trial and error. We find that experience is a very harsh teacher, don’t we? And just when we think we’ve found what we’ve wanted and needed, we find out – or are made to understand by, um, let’s call it nefarious means, that we either fucked up or got fucked up – and now we have to start all over again.

        When I wrote this, I was thinking about my life and all of the things that have combined to form the man I am right now. I see the successes and the failures and, of course, wonder what I could have done differently to prevent said failures, all the while knowing that while I have done my best to ward off the failures, they still happened. So it all makes me wonder just what the fuck we’re doing and it might have taken some time but I figured it out. We’re chasing our dreams, for lack of a better word, and while this is fine, it keeps running face-first into the hard wall of reality at, oh, about a hundred miles per hour. I realized that in the face of this incongruity (ya like that word?) we spend our time adjusting and readjusting; we keep trying to define and refine our environment, even when we’re in a fairly decent one because we come to find that this isn’t all there is to do; there is much more than what we’ve been led to believe and a lot of us will go to our graves, still in the pursuit of more of the things we firmly believe gives our existence meaning and substance.

        And, like it or not, sex and relationships are right smack dab in the middle of it. It speaks to our prime and basal urges, that need for companionship and, damned right, that need to not only perpetuate the species but to also quench the fires of lust… and that’s a problem because men and women just don’t see eye-to-eye on this one and probably never will. The subject becomes an abyss, doesn’t it, and, yes, when you look into the abyss, it is looking back at you… and that’s some really scary shit.


  3. MysteryCoach

    10 September 2012 at 14:41

    You know what my thing is about the sexual relation part of it all? That gets twisted up too… religion, experiences, etc., etc., what other kinds of things that I’ve read and seen and heard about people can get into … I can’t believe my eyeballs sometimes! (or my ears LOL) And who thought that mess up anyway? I mean… seriously.

    I’ve read some things that just should not be read, including pictures and even then there’s more going on then I ever need to know about some things.

    so really, at the end of the day, what do we want, with who and are we on the same page, are we open to what things, what’s a deal breaker (across the board, no just sexually) …

    Although, you know… when we get older, I mean really older, you’d better like the person you’re with because you’re not going to be having sex. Course it would be nice to go back and review it, if only in your mind with one another LOL 🙂


    • kdaddy23

      10 September 2012 at 15:20

      Is that what you think because, sweetie, there are 70-somethings getting laid like you wouldn’t believe because, duh, they ain’t dead yet! Okay… sex. The only reason why it’s twisted is that there are so many of us that want to do it in ways our morality would shit a gold brick over. I have said that morality has spent almost all of its time trying to get us to have sex only one way and for only one purpose, thereby limiting the kinds of sex that’s possible. Sure, there’s some aspects that, morally, just shouldn’t ever happen… doesn’t change the fact that it does which is why we have prisons for those folks who are on the really extreme edge of the spectrum.

      For the rest of us, it’s all doable and negotiable… and we know what we think of those people who do, in fact, get their freak on big time, i.e., the guy who will fuck any girl who’ll let him and the girl that will just give it up because she can. That’s because fucking is fun; getting a nut is one of the ultimate rushes and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the more you can fuck, the more fun it could be… and doing it in as many ways as possible can be even more fun.

      In my mind, there’s nothing twisted in this because I tend to agree with Freud: The only abnormal sex is not having sex at all; all one has to do is decide how adventurous they’re going to be in this… and that, my dear, is another thing men and women cannot get on the same page about; we think one way about this, women are often in another galaxy. Indeed, it took a woman – and a damned sexy one at that – to bring something to my attention: Men want a lady in pubic and a whore in bed and, God help me, I realized she was right on the money with that. Problem for us is, um, a lot of women would rather eat shit and die before being that whore in bed, even if it’s in the figurative sense. Having said that, sure, there are women who want a gentleman in public and a Mandingo stud in bed… and some of us do try to handle that last part and not all of us are successful and/or consistent, which pisses women off.

      So instead of this being a win/win situation for us, it is more often than not a win/lose, lose/win, or lose/lose situation and I’m finding that this is because our heads are too much into the sex we want and not the sex that can be had.


      • MysteryCoach

        10 September 2012 at 15:37

        Wait … I know that, 🙂 I was thinking of when we get older and may not be physically capable due to illness and stuff. Thaaaat’s all I was saying. BUT … still, we still better like who we’re with too…

        I get it, no … hold on, have you seen and read YOU have to have seen and read etc., some of the stuff that people can do. And good for those consenting adults. These other things? OMG … Oh. My. GOD. Like uh, I can’t spell it… when you put a bag over someone’s head or choke them to make the experience more powerful? What in the hell are they thinking? That kind of stuff… and then some. It’s like what a rush! I can breath! shut up.

        I agree with your lady friend 🙂 Me too. Heh… let the teasing begin with my significant other and then some, but only with my SO. I don’t think it pisses women off exactly I know it’s very frustrating to be with someone who we’re really not compatible with and we’re not compatible with everyone either. And I also think that women should experiment, short of not breathing and other things like that, so they know what they like.

        Someone told me about how married women and men too, of course, cheat because their significant other doesn’t do it for ’em but they do love them, they’re not satisfied in bed and I have to say that, I don’t know that I think, you can teach an old dog new tricks. I just don’t think so. There’s a … maybe they haven’t been introduced to their frisky side and we could talk all day about that too.

        Who was it, one day someone was talking to me about sex and this gorgeous female he was with and the way he explained it was that she just layed there. I was like euw.

        Adventurous is one thing, those “other” things? yah… nuh huh… nope. Those things would end you up in jail. For sure.


      • kdaddy23

        10 September 2012 at 16:11

        What they’re thinking is that the “terror” of impending death heightens the orgasmic experience. The physiology is interesting given that when a human orgasms, they display the same physical symptoms as someone having a heart attack, which is probably why the Japanese call it “the little death.”

        Okay, problem – that whole sexually compatible thing. Just what the fuck does that mean? Okay, being blunt, I know how to fuck and I know many ways to do it. What I don’t know is how any of what I know applies to you, right? Thus, it’s a learning process for both of us… but if either us can’t learn, we call it incompatibility – and that’s just bullshit. See, there’s not only the physical shit that, as a man, I’d had to deal with you; there’s also a lot of psychological shit running around in your head that I have to deal with as well, beginning with YOUR idea of what’s sexually satisfying… which might not be the same as what I am capable of doing.

        We limit sex to monogamous relationships… but that’s not the only way we can have sex; that’s just the way we can do it without feeling like a slut or a whore in the process so that’s what a lot of women focus on – but also the thing that makes men look like the dogs y’all think we are. But I know why this is; women only want one man fertilizing their eggs while we’re programmed to sow our oats as much as we can because, for us, it is a competition and, as I read somewhere, sperm is plentiful while eggs aren’t. And if you think that monogamous sex is all it can be, guess again; this is where we get into that “I ain’t doing…” thing that personally drives me insane.

        By adventurous, I don’t mean doing illegal shit; I mean having zero inhibitions when it comes to having sex, monogamous or otherwise. Indeed, I have been with women who whom the missionary position is the only position she wants to get laid in; I know women who ain’t into oral sex at all; I know women who aren’t into anal sex; I know women who will not jerk a man off; I know women who will not have sex during daylight hours; I know women who will only have sex in a bed.

        And, yep, I know men who are just as bad or even worse about these exact same things. What we do is that we let other people, along with our experiences, dictate and limit the pleasure we can have, plain and simple. I can honestly say that I have never had a bad sexual experience… but I have had some that could have turned out better; sometimes I’ve screwed the pooch, sometimes it’s something she did. Then we go along with the notion that sex is only between men and women, something proven to be pure, unadulterated bullshit – it’s just the best way to make babies and we just don’t fuck each other to have children, do we?

        NO! We do it just because it feels good when we do whatever it is we’re gonna do. And, as sure as shit is what it is, if there’s a way we can fuck this up, we will fuck it up. We are, I have learned, so ignorant about something we supposed know a great deal about and what’s even worse is that we’re willing to wallow in our ignorance and abide by the limitations set upon us.



  4. marriagecoach1

    10 September 2012 at 22:43

    Hey Mysterycoach and Rob
    Please excuse the oversimplification of your views by mine. No insult or denigration is intended.

    We make things way too difficult. The secret to “happily ever after” is ridiculously simple when reduced to its basic form. You simply eliminate the word no from your vocabulary to your partners request unless it is illegal, abusive or humiliating.

    No is such an ugly word. The inference is that your needs, wants and desires take a second place to mine and I can’t be bothered with taking care of yours because I am more important than you.

    When you say yes, it values your partner and honors them and shows them love and acceptance and nurturing. Try it for 30 days and you will see a whole new side of your partner.

    Sadly we can’t make anybody do right except ourselves, but success breeds success and failure breeds more failure


  5. marriagecoach1

    10 September 2012 at 22:54

    Thanks Rob, this book thing is the hardest work I have ever done


    • kdaddy23

      10 September 2012 at 23:14

      Sounds like it, John… and I do hope that you will be rewarded for all your hard work and your book is successfully received.



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Brighton Bipolar

Adult Survivor of Child Abuse and Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder - Working towards ending the stigma of Mental Illness

The Self-Actualized Life

Have a fulfilling life sexually and every other way!

Assentively Yours

Ramblings of a depressed mind and other nuances.

Larry Archer's World (

------ Erotica from the dirty mind of Larry Archer


is there a path to a successful open marriage?


The silent inside of an anonymous Indian rebelling against society

The (Bi)te

The uninteresting world of a young bisexual girl


What Perspective Matters Most Depends on Your Perception


Just my random thoughts and meanderings... I'll try to keep you entertained

Roller Coaster Life of a Fat Girl

Highs and Lows of My Weight Loss Journey


when and why size matters


I write when the choice is to die if I don't

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