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A Question for Everyone

15 Sep

Actually, it’s several questions but I would like those of you who read my blog to read the following quote and tell me if you agree with it or not:

“Women aren’t allowed to be happy, unless their happiness comes from the largess of a man.”

To my female followers what, if anything, does this say to you specifically as women?  Do you agree or disagree with the quote’s premises?

Is a woman supposed to depend on the largess of a man for her happiness… or is this the biggest fucking mistake she can ever make?

Help a brother out and chime in on this one.

 
41 Comments

Posted by on 15 September 2012 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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41 responses to “A Question for Everyone

  1. marriagecoach1

    15 September 2012 at 07:43

    Oh hell no, happiness derives form within or not. Why can’t we put the shoe on the other foot and ask the same question of men?

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    • kdaddy23

      15 September 2012 at 22:19

      @John, the moment I read some guy lamenting about how he can’t find Ms. Right and how he’s always getting dogged and he’s giving up on women, I’ll ask the same question about men.

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    • travellinginternationally

      10 October 2012 at 00:14

      I agree, happiness comes from within and it cannot be found in someone or something. If a woman or a man seeks happiness from outside of themselves then they are not truly happy and dependent on others for their happiness.

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  2. cinnamon

    15 September 2012 at 10:47

    My answer would be in the form of 2 words………”SAY WHAT?”

    No way. Fill in the blanks any way that you want and the answer for me would still be the same. Anyone’s happiness is dependent soley on their own largess, outlook, attitude, ambition, creativity, blah blah down the line, all ending with one’s own self and no one else’s.

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    • kdaddy23

      15 September 2012 at 22:21

      @Cinnamon, that’s such a calm response from you! I kinda expected to see that you went off the deep end, had smoke coming out of your ears, stuff like that. But, as always, I thank you for your input!

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  3. SillyG

    15 September 2012 at 11:56

    I recently commented on another bloggers site that so many women seem to thrive on the game receiving things and exchanging part of their self to get things. Made me mad at the time. I think it comes from the history of women being ‘kept’. For many women, I think this still holds true. It’s like a symbol that a man must love her. “Look at the jewels/flowers/car that he bought me”, women brag. I think they think this makes them happy. And YES this is a huge mistake women make.
    But I pulled out the dictionary and there is also one definition further down that caught my eye “Generosity of spirit or attitude”… I like that, if one finds happiness in others sharing part of themselves I think that is great…. but only if the woman is happy with herself first. Two people being generous with each other is quite beautiful 🙂

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    • kdaddy23

      15 September 2012 at 22:24

      @SillyG, I agree that there are some women who feel that if they’re not being showered with… stuff, well, homeboy must not love her a whole lot; is there any reason why some people – both men and women – would look at such a woman and call her a whore because what she’s really doing is selling her affection? This particular thing aside, do you think women need men to validate their worthiness as a person and as a woman?

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      • SillyG

        15 September 2012 at 23:16

        Lol funny, I call my Ex’s new woman a whore because she likes him more for the things he gives opposed to what he is inside. Poor sap.

        Hmm kdaddy, women don’t need men to validate them. But of course some women think they do…. unfortunately they haven’t figured themselves out yet. But honestly, I would much prefer to be with a great man than without one cause it makes life alot nicer!

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      • kdaddy23

        15 September 2012 at 23:52

        I’ve asked the question because there’s a point I want to make later.

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  4. Brittany

    15 September 2012 at 13:54

    My personal opinion: I applaud women who are single and happy. We are natural pleasers and being able to care for another (man or woman) is satisfying to us, making it hard to stay single (why you see so many women who are unhappy but at least they aren’t “lonely”). In fact, it’s necessary to find one’s own happiness FIRST. I was a little sad when I finally realized that my (now) husband was “the one”. I was only 18 and very much enjoying the single life, but he enhanced my life in a way I didn’t know was possible. My puzzle was complete and he added the glaze. He has since become part of my puzzle, he completes me (oh puke, didn’t mean to get so mushy!). And do you any man who wants someone that NEEDS him like that? Desperation is not attractive.

    Now society is another story. I haven’t seen an overwhelming sway one way or the other. But would you agree that by a certain age (30-35), people begin to judge single and/or unmarried women? Maybe not necessarily like “she must be unhappy because she is single” but there is an outdated expectation for women to be taken off the market. Biological clock ticking and the assumption that every woman wants children, maybe? Meh, it’s a double-edged sword. You’re judged for marrying young and your judged for marrying later in life. And I just realized that I turned this into a marriage vs happiness issue and that was not your question at all. I do apologize but what a waste to delete it all after typing it on my phone! To answer your question, I completely disagree with the quote. I don’t think it’s a good idea to put your happiness in someone else’s hands. Even marriage is teamwork, not based on one individual.

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    • kdaddy23

      15 September 2012 at 22:26

      @Brittany, wow: You did all of that on your phone? In a way, this is a happiness question but, look at the last question I ask SillyG and share with us how you feel about that one… and hopefully on your computer!

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      • Brittany

        21 September 2012 at 09:01

        “… do you think women need men to validate their worthiness as a person and as a woman?”

        No, but we DO need validation. I don’t care who it’s from, but I want someone to tell me I’m doing a good job. I’m a good mom, I’m a good wife (even if it isn’t from my husband…but he tells me, too), I’m a good cook, etc. Recently, a mom friend, whose opinion I think highly of, told me that it’s ok “to not be supermom, superwife and superwoman ALL of the time,” when I implied how crappy it made me feel that I was feeding my daughter cereal for dinner and ordering a pizza. I about creamed my panties, I was so happy! Oh the self-doubt that breeds in a woman’s mind… or maybe that’s just me.

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      • kdaddy23

        21 September 2012 at 11:24

        @Brittany, welcome back – it’s good to see you here again. Everyone needs validation at the individual level… but I’ve noticed that in a relationship, there are some women who are always asking their man if he loves her, which could be construed as continued validation… even if she does know that he does. I’ve even noticed that if he says yes – but she doesn’t like the way he said it – that could be a problem; if he gives her some shit about always asking him a question that has the same answer, she’s not gonna like that he’s miffed about this.

        @John, it seems to me there are two reasons why you don’t get feedback from men on the “don’t say no” issue. One, there are men who agree with you and see no point in mentioning it or, two, most men know that while it might be interesting to have a woman that won’t say no to anything, it’s an unrealistic expectation. Hell, I would even go as far to say it implies mindless acceptance on either person’s part or setting a woman’s rights back a few hundred years if she’s being told to never say no to a man in a relationship… so it’s no wonder women raise so much hell about that.

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    • marriagecoach1

      17 September 2012 at 15:49

      Hey Brittany
      You do make a good referee. Sadly you are so right, marriage is based upon teamwork and sadly you can’t make anyone else do right. I compare it to a team of horses. Now one horse can typically pull a thousand pounds. You would think that therefore two horses can pull 2,000 pounds. But that is not correct, two horses that work in teamwork can actually pull about 3,500 lbs. Now if you have one horse that plants all 4 hooves then the other horse has to pull the wagon load and the weight of the other horse. Or you could have one horse pulling laterally thus further impeding the other’s horse’s effort.

      I have often said that the secret to “happily ever after” is ridiculously simple. You simply delete the word no from your vocabulary unless the request is illegal, abusive or humiliating. No is such an ugly word and implies that my interests wants and desires super-cede yours and I can’t be bothered with yours. It is too bad that so few people get that concept. Here is an example: According to Kinsey stats 72% of married women over 30 have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or LESS! Now before you tee off on me, I understand that most guys are lousy in bed and you feel like a used piece of meat. Sadly there is no “school for sex” to teach me how to give their women great sex. That is why I am publishing my book.

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      • Brittany

        21 September 2012 at 09:06

        I LOVE your horse team analogy! Not so sure about deleting the word no, in a marriage, though. That sounds like a breeding ground for resentment and manipulation. Balance, balance, balance. And if most men are lousy in bed, consider me one lucky woman! And happy! :))

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  5. MysteryCoach

    16 September 2012 at 06:42

    LOL 🙂 Allowed … hahaha! Sorry… that struck me as funny.

    Seriously though, it’s not about “allowing” which is way too literal in my humble opinion. I do agree with John that we have to be happy with ourselves, we have to work on ourselves, find out who we are and then express it to someone so we can “have” the relationship we want versus assuming that someone else “will” make us happy.

    I’ve always said, although I’m not sure in any of our conversations if I’ve said it, however that a man or woman enhances our life but is not the end all to our personal happiness. I love what Brittany said as well…

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  6. b. bellacoils

    20 September 2012 at 17:03

    This is an interesting question, because my first thought was “Well, this is what society tells us as women- that we are somehow ‘incomplete’ if we’re not in a relationship”. And, I don’t agree…like many of the commenters stated, happiness is an internal thing. Relationships are meant to be a reflection of said happiness, and not the source of it. The biggest mistake you can make is waiting/depending on ANYONE to make you happy – man, woman, dog, guinea pig…lol

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    • kdaddy23

      20 September 2012 at 17:30

      Brava, Bella: You just hit on a very important and telling thing, that according to everything we’ve been taught, a woman isn’t complete unless she’s in a relationship. This implies her happiness practically depending on a man’s largess, beginning with accepting her for a relationship to begin with… which really sounds fucked up, doesn’t it? Then again, practically everything in the world is gender-biased toward men, you know, lord and master, stuff like that.

      So, if women are ‘compelled’ to be completed by a man – and it doesn’t happen in the way she expects – is it her fault that it hasn’t happened? And, something that’s been bedeviling me, does that mean that she has to stop trying to find someone to complete here and then immediately assume that something has to be wrong with her or that she’s doing something wrong because a man might not want to be in a relationship with her – he just wants to fuck her.

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  7. John Wilder

    21 September 2012 at 09:12

    Hey Brittany
    It is interesting that I get no feedback from men on not saying no, but women overwhelmingly fight against this. In a trusting relationship why would you want to tell your partner no to anything that he asked of you? Sounds very self centered to me

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  8. John Wilder

    21 September 2012 at 11:42

    Rob and Brittany
    I am not talking about controlling a woman here. I am talking about voluntarily giving your partner whatever they ask for. I am not just suggesting it to women but men as well. You have not addressed my reasoning that no implies I am more important than you and your needs are clearly not as important as mine. Self centerdness is the ultimate reason that relationships break up. Success breeds more success while failure breeds more failure.

    Think about it, how satisfied would you feel if your partner did not care about your wants, needs and desires?

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    • kdaddy23

      21 September 2012 at 12:14

      John, it hasn’t been addressed because it’s not germane to the question asked, except the woman divorcing her husband because he wouldn’t eat pussy could be seen as a woman depending on the largess of a man for her happiness. But since you wanna go there, when two people get into a relationship, they go into it thinking that their wants and needs are going to be taken care of by the person they’re with – then get totally fucked up in the head to find out that that doesn’t always happen. You know just as well as I do that relationships and marriages are more about compromise than two people ‘taking turns’ attending to each other needs because, duh, it’s easy for either person to take the position that their needs supersedes the needs of the other person – and now you have a problem because to satisfy, say, the woman’s needs, the man sacrifices his own needs to make that happen and, of course, the reverse is true and even worse in some cases because homey might have a need that she is, for whatever reason, unwilling to take care of.

      The need goes unaddressed because, um, in this country, you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do and if the end result is divorce, oh, well, some folks find that getting that divorce is easier than relinquishing their personal integrity. This is rarely a win/win situation because at some point, someone is going to be asked to do something they don’t agree with in order to satisfy the other person’s needs.

      Bye-bye happiness; hello loneliness…

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  9. John Wilder

    21 September 2012 at 11:44

    I get a lot of negative feedback from women about giving blow jobs. Yet I knew a woman who freely gave blow jobs and had no problem swallowing but her husband would not go down on her at all. She divorced him because of it and I say rightly so

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    • Brittany

      21 September 2012 at 23:08

      I’m on my phone (and my nails aren’t dry yet 😉 ) so I won’t go into too much detail. Just wanted to point out, John, that I never said, or implied, that your statement was one sided. I’d get bored with my husband if he said yes to everything I asked and vice versa. We have fun bargaining with each other for things we want but the other doesn’t. He wanted a new handgun while we were on vacation, I wanted a purse and fabric. Sex is different for men and women (as you’re well aware) so in order for both of us to be satisfied, we have to do different things. I think communicating our needs effectively is a more logical approach than just pushing them to the side. I’d rather know what makes my husband WANT to do things for me (or the things I want him to do) rather than just doing them with no regard to how HE feels. Is that not selfish as well?

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      • John Wilder

        22 September 2012 at 08:42

        Hey Brittany
        No it is not selfish. You sound like a reasonable wife. The problem is that so MANY women are not reasonable and are in fact bullies. I don’t believe in women being forced to have sex against their will and yet according to Kinsey, 72% of women force their husbands to do without sex AGAINST HIS WILL and don’t come close to meeting his needs.

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      • John Wilder

        22 September 2012 at 08:44

        And I agree with your notion of negotiating. I teach that to my couples where both people’s needs are being met.

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  10. John Wilder

    21 September 2012 at 12:21

    As usual you make good points. The sad thing is that far too many people are self centered and when the pain of not getting your needs taken care of, you just chuck the relationship. This of course introduces a whole new set of problems because kids suffer the most from divorce and kids living in a single parent home are a huge source of our societal problems.

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  11. John Wilder

    21 September 2012 at 12:22

    All because the lack of a satisfied need, I say industrial strength stupid and clearly far too many people don’t understand the concept of love

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    • kdaddy23

      21 September 2012 at 12:41

      Well, duh! Of course people are self-centered! Is it sad? Sure it is… but this is the nature of what we are as humans. We want what we want and the way we want it; now, if he or she will give it to us – and no questions asked – oh, the world is just a happy place, ain’t it? Except… people just don’t operate like that even though some doctrines say they should.

      But, again, none of this (except that one thing you mentioned) has anything to do with what I’m asking about, does it?

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  12. John Wilder

    21 September 2012 at 13:45

    Well you know me, I tend to color outside the lines. I disagree that the issues that I bring up are not germane to the issue

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    • kdaddy23

      21 September 2012 at 14:10

      So explain to one and all the truth or the fallacy of the quote I provided; if you think it’s true, tell us why; if you think it isn’t, ditto. I had an expectation that you’d take the pulpit again and do some of that Old Testament preaching on the woman’s role in relationships!

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  13. John Wilder

    21 September 2012 at 14:43

    First of all I am viewing a couple’s role from the NT and I am suggesting that men too don’t say no not just women. I am equally critical of men who say no as well. If they say no then they deserve what they get.

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  14. John Wilder

    21 September 2012 at 14:44

    And how it relates is to happiness. You can be happy inside but if you are locked into an unfulfilling relationship it detracts from your overall happiness

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    • kdaddy23

      21 September 2012 at 14:52

      You’re getting warmer; I’m thinking the root of the issue the quote speaks to is rooted in the OT. If you have a moment, read the comment Bella shared and what her first thought was – and only what her initial thought was – then see how it relates to the quote… then speak to that. This ain’t about couples as much as it is about women specifically and how the quote can then affect both the pursuit of a relationship and being in one.

      So… bring it in that direction; stay within the lines on this one.

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  15. John Wilder

    21 September 2012 at 14:59

    You are going to have to give me chapter and verse, I don’t know to what OT reference you are referring. In the OT they had concubines and multiple wives. I have already read Bella’s remarks and they mirror mine a little more in detail. I find it interesting that you want to keep me on such a short leash when you routinely go far afield with verbose answers to my stuff. It is all part of the same issues. We are talking about happiness and we would all agree I think that a woman does not need a man to be happy or complete. None of us are Neanderthals here.

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    • kdaddy23

      21 September 2012 at 15:51

      I can be all verbose about stuff ’cause it’s my blog. I’m trying to get you to focus on the quote and what reasons that may exist for Bella to have the initial thought that she did – because there is a reason for it – and she’s not the only woman who would have that thought initially before saying something further. The references I’m asking about have to do with a woman’s responsibility or duty to a man specifically; you’re the former pastor so this should be fairly easy.

      I didn’t ask your opinion on whether or not Bella’s comments fit the way you see things; I asked you what her initial thought and the quote I provided might have in common in your opinion – and only that. If you don’t know or can’t answer, just say so – I’m not gonna hold that against you (that would be dumb). But, as I’ve said, there is a reason for this and I’m hoping that you can assist me in getting to the root of it.

      What’s your answer, my friend?

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  16. John Wilder

    21 September 2012 at 16:08

    No I was commenting about you being verbose when you have commented on my blog.

    Society has imposed I think the notion on women that they have to have a man to be complete. I would even go so far as to suggest that other women have applied peer pressure to their sisters to reinforce this notion. A good example would be back to high school and the prom. Kind of like a warm up for life.

    You would be more correct in the NT where women and men are supposed to give each other sex when they need it and no is not an option (except for prayer and fasting according to I Cor 7) The wife is required to respect the husband in the NT.

    Don’t know if that is what you are looking for, and if it isn’t then I am lost.

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    • kdaddy23

      21 September 2012 at 16:39

      Oh, my bad; I’m verbose on your blog because you allow me to be! The difference is when I explode on your blog, I speak to the subject matter given – I stay between the lines. And you have provided me with what I was looking for re that notion. Now… keep that in mind for me a little longer while I ask you this: Where did that notion come from? If you’re correct about the bible – and I wouldn’t dare dispute you on this – then where did it come from? Why is something we can all agree is a dumb thing to do being reinforced among women?

      See, John and others still paying attention to this, I got to wondering why so many women either fail to engage in relationships or, once in a relationship, are often totally disillusioned with the way the relationship is going and, specifically, dependent on a man behaving in a particular way for them and not, perhaps, him behaving according to how he’s crafted himself (for lack of a better word). And when this happens, instead of dropping him and moving on to the next guy they, for all practical purposes, give up; they refuse to involve themselves with trying to find a man – and, all the while, give themselves the impression that something must be wrong with them if he’s not giving her what she thinks he should be providing.

      Any thoughts now? Oh, and ladies? Where the hell are you on this? Have you nothing else to say about something that concerns you? Speak out one way or the other!

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      • John Wilder

        21 September 2012 at 17:30

        Okay, there is something wrong with women who don’t get what they want from a guy. I disagree with the notion that all guys are bad and all women are good. For example, according to Kinsey statistics, 72% of married women have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or LESS where the average guy needs sexual relief 3-4 times a week. The bible strictly forbids this for both husbands and wives in I Cor 7.

        Another thing that is wrong with women is they reserve the right to critique men at will but don’t even think about critiquing her or there will be hell to pay.

        I would commend to you another blog where the woman addresses these issues of what is wrong with women in her last two posts. The blog address is http://peacefulwife.com/.

        So there is plenty wrong with women. If they get their heads out of their asses and take care of their man the way that she is supposed to then most men respond in kind. For example there was a woman back in the seventies preaching this message. Her name was Marabelle Morgan and she had a book called the Total Woman and had a nation wide ministry by the same name and she was responsible for thousands of marriages being saved.

        Now I know that I have put my nuts out there on the chopping block for your women readers but before you go to chopping I suggest that you got to the blog I mentioned and see what another woman has to say about this.

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  17. John Wilder

    21 September 2012 at 16:09

    And and by the way the husbands are supposed to treat the wife not only with respect but as the “weaker vessel”
    (physcially)

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  18. John Wilder

    21 September 2012 at 17:31

    A correction, the stats are for married women over the age of 30

    Like

     

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