Early in our lives, most of us learn some basic stuff, like, I’m a boy (ew), she’s a girl (yuck); then we start to learn the roles that have been assigned to our gender and find out that babies are not brought to your house by storks or FedEx. We are strongly encouraged to stay in our assigned roles because, um, that’s just the way it is and any deviation from said roles will be frowned upon.
Of course, some of us find out, in some way and at some point, that while the roles exist (and ya might even know why they do), there’s something else that exists, something taboo, shady and, according to some, totally unnatural. As we walk down this ‘new’ path, we often have to deal with internal conflicts; some of us resolve them, some of us never do.
That some of us wander onto this alternative path early on – and decide to stay there – is a given… since there are many people on this path. I got to wondering about those folks who reach adulthood and maybe get well into this phase of life… then notice that there’s something different about them or maybe wander onto that alternative path, or maybe even are ‘forced’ to take the forbidden road to emotional and physical satisfaction.
I was in Chicago for a class and seminar and even though I thought this would be boring and a waste of time, I really had a good time, passed the class with flying colors, and learned some very important stuff about the job I was doing. One evening, after the day’s activities were over, I was sitting in the bar, sipping on some good Scotch and just decompressing after having so much stuff crammed in my head. A guy from the seminar came in and sat at the bar, nodded to acknowledge me – I nodded back – and ordered a drink… then came over to me after he got it and I thought, “God, I hope he doesn’t want to talk shop!”
He didn’t. In what had to be the strangest conversation I’d ever had with someone, he took a sip of his drink, looked at me and said, “I just realized that I’m bisexual.”
I hope you can imagine the look on my face and I was glad I didn’t have Scotch in my mouth when he announced this. I blinked and in the space of a second or two, decided how to deal with this – and said, “Okay… what brought that on?”
He said – and I might add without an ounce of shame – “I have this very strong urge to suck your cock – is that a problem for you?”
All I could say was, “Um…” Don’t get me wrong; I’ve had guys hit on me before and had gotten use to the way they try to kick their game and all that – but this was something outside of my experience.
I asked, “I take it you’ve done this before?” – to buy some time to think and, well, if he intended to get my attention, he succeeded.
“Nope, never,” he said. “When we met the other day at registration, it just hit me. So what do you say? Can you help me figure this out?”
I’ll skip ahead and say that after a couple of rounds of oral sex, he looked at me and said, “Thank you; that’s what I’ve always been missing…”
After that, I got to wondering what has to happen that a middle-aged man ‘suddenly’ wants to do something some guys experiment with when much younger. It made me realize that, well, just because I made up my mind about this at a young age, that doesn’t mean this can’t happen later in life. I immersed myself into this and learned that the guy from Chicago really wasn’t the only guy who got past thirty and, for whatever reason, decided that having sex with a guy was the thing missing from their lives.
Armed with more questions than answers, I really thought hard about this and absorbed as much information as I could from these older guys, most who were married, those who were single being in the minority. And while I learned of the difficulties this can impose on a relationship, questions about how to best deal with this situation emerged… and I learned that there’s no definitive answer because no two relationships are the same and a girlfriend or wife’s reaction to this is too varied to quantify accurately except to say that in a lot of cases, a guy who’s recently discovered himself learns the true meaning of someone being madder than a wet hen.
It does present a quandary of sorts because we’re taught not to be anything other than what we are in this; be monogamous, be heterosexual, do not deviate from this. Which, of course, doesn’t mean such a deviation will never happen because it does… and now it becomes a matter of how one deals with it.
I’ve repeatedly said that when it comes to coming out, the first person you have to come out to is yourself. Back in the day, when I dove into this, it occurred to me that a middle-aged man might have an easier time with this than, say, a 16-year-old because he’s got some worldly experience under his belt and there’s been enough discussion about being bi (and even gay) that making an ‘informed’ decision is possible.
I’ve said that at this moment, Jeez, there are so many things a guy in this position has to think about! A lot of it is ‘internal’, all the intangible things that go through one’s mind about how and why they feel this way and, of course, the other side of this coin is trying to not only figure out what they want to do about the way they feel… or if they should do nothing. If you think that figuring out what to do is easy, it’s not and guys who didn’t experiment way back in the day are at a bit of a disadvantage on this part. Oh, it’s not that they don’t know what can be done – it’s a matter of whether or not they want to do all of it, some of it, or even none of it.
But that urge to do something is pretty powerful and if guys don’t know anything about themselves, we do know that once we get the urge to fuck, there ain’t too many things that’ll shut it down easily… except trying to figure out how to get some dick without anyone else finding out about it; that’ll give ya a limp noodle pretty quick and is, really, the beginning of a bigger problem.
So while a guy can come to terms about straying from the prescribed path – and even if it’s because people can justify anything they do to themselves – now there are the other people he may be dealing with, namely, family, friends, co-workers, and his wife/girlfriend.
This, friends, is a problem. Sugar, in her comments to “Living the Lie,” said something a lot of people say: If you are like this and you don’t tell (at the least) your wife/girlfriend, then you’re a liar and an imposter; you’re double-fucked at this point because you’re bisexual (and maybe out of the blue) and a deceitful son-of-a-bitch for your lack of disclosure. The problem here is one guys can struggle mightily over: If I tell her, the shit might hit the fan; if I don’t tell her – but she either gets suspicious or finds out in some other way, the shit might/will hit the fan; either way, I’m fucked… and not in a good way.
While I do not advocate being silent about this, it’s plain to see that announcing the news of your recent discovery is situational, even if you don’t think it is. If you’re with a woman who you know has nothing nice to say about gays or even bisexuals, ah, some sense of self-preservation screams to not let her know you like guys in some way because the truth can set you free in ways that can be horribly painful. If you’re with a woman who has never uttered an opinion about such things, well, this is even worse because ya don’t know if you can tell her or not. How will she react? Will she react? Can I justify throwing away all I’ve built with her by admitting something she may or may not be able to accept?
Guys will look at this in a big picture way, see nothing but trouble down the road and, ultimately, decide to say nothing… which, in a way, is fine… provided he’s not out there running buck-wild getting his share of the plethora of cock available on the DL. That might sound ‘safe’ – I can assure you that it isn’t because while you can confess to her that you feel this way and, say, have never acted on it, people have this rather weird way of thinking: If you have thoughts about it, you intend on doing whatever you’re thinking about. So, yeah, he can tell her how he feels and even as he’s trying to explain to her that he hasn’t decided on doing anything, as far as she’s concerned, he’s gonna do it – so he should put on his foul-weather gear because a shit storm is on the horizon.
It’s not a comfortable position to be in. If you’re lucky, you could reveal this to your wife/girlfriend and there’s no backlash… provided that (a) whatever you did in this was done before you met her and (b) you have no plans to do anything now and in any future as long as you’re with her. If you’re horribly lucky, you could confess and she has no problem with you getting some dick provided that (a) you take every precaution to be safe and (b) you are taking care of the business with her first.
I’ve been in this position quite a few times and, after a while, I figured that if I let it be known that I’m bisexual at the beginning, I really have nothing to lose if the woman has a royal hissy fit and tells me to get lost – and that’s happened a lot and, no, it doesn’t feel good. Still, it can make you wonder about a lot of things, like whether being totally honest is really a good way to be in this because being honest doesn’t always bring about good results. Just the thought of having to go through a woman’s rage over this is enough to make you wonder why you ‘decided’ to be bisexual in the first place because as delightful as it might sound, feel, and be, all of those good feelings about yourself can be erased in a really short moment.
Does any of this mean that the bisexual guy shouldn’t be honest with himself? No, because as someone said, “To thine own self be true.” Should you be honest with the wife/girlfriend? Um, well, yeah you should and even more so if you’re out there getting your freak on because, in this, you are not the only one you have to be worried about. Do you risk trashing your relationship with her? Yeah, that’s an easy expectation as much as an uncertain one because, women being women, you just really don’t know how they’re going to react to this – until they react to it.
And, as Sugar said, if she can’t accept this about you, then why are you with her? The answer to that question is easy: Because he loves and needs her and given that we know that our woman is only with us by choice and that she could have been (or could be) with someone else, this is the thing that take priority; this is the thing that can’t be put at risk because the consequences will be devastating to one and all.
So a lot of guys, for the sake of preserving the relationship, will not only remain silent about this but logic will even suggest that doing anything about the way they feel isn’t called for either. I don’t think there’s a more disconcerting and frustrating feeling than having the powerful urge and need to do something… and knowing good and damned well that you’d better not do it. I’ve run across a lot of guys in my time who would just love to take the plunge… but to do so would be a detriment to their survival and even happiness. Some make themselves content with the fact that they feel this way and have accepted that they do; some manage to sublimate this side of them and just lock it away knowing that they will never be able to experience any of this.
On the other hand, um, there are those guys for which the urge to do something is horribly strong… but because it’s too ‘dangerous’ to let her know of these desires, yep, they wind up on the DL. Yes, you can get your itch scratched there and in any way you care to… but you’re really compounding your problem at home. While your woman just might be able to accept that you have these urges, if you’re out there doing your dirt at the same time you’re taking care of business at home (and you’d better be), ah, they might not be so understanding about that.
Have you heard the saying, “It’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission?” Um, no, it ain’t – not with this. And it really isn’t if you’re like some guys and you’re going ape-shit having sex with guys and you haven’t been handling your business with her like you’re supposed to do. At some point, she going to suss out that something’s not right here and it’s not going to take her long to figure out that you’re fucking around with someone else; she’ll probably even think it’s another woman and she’s already planned out how she’s going to confront you – then shred the shit out of you – for this… so imagine what’s gonna happen when she finds out that, yeah, you’re out there fucking around… but with another guy.
Need I say more?
I dunno, folks. I suppose it’s like the hetero-normative faction says: If you literally stay on the straight and narrow, you’ll never have this problem. And a lot of guys do… but some do make this ‘startling’ discovery about themselves. We behave as if it’s never supposed to happen… which doesn’t change the fact that it does and while becoming comfortable with yourself in this is a rather nice feeling, doing and even saying something about this when you’re in a relationship could be a disaster waiting to happen.
But I’ve wondered, here in my old age, if this is really a lose/lose or lose/win situation for guys who have made this discovery later in life. The ‘win’, of course, is that you get to keep your woman and maintain your relationship if you don’t tell, don’t do… but you’re throwing a part of yourself away in favor of this and one could even see it as making a large sacrifice for the sake of others… and seeing it this way might not be a good feeling.
I really don’t know how women deal with this situation although I do know that some guys don’t have a sense of humor about this. Then again, some guys think it’s the cat’s pajamas and, yeah, some guys even feel that if his baby is doing the deed with her girlfriend, she’s not cheating on him, not like bumping uglies with some other dude. Then again, bisexual women have been a lot more acceptable than bisexual men have ever been.
So I’ve said all of this to say what? I just felt like writing all of this and will leave it up to those who choose to read all of this to decide what it means… if it means anything at all to you.