It was early this morning; I was, of course, quite awake and watching “Border Wars” when the guy-sex app on my iPod decided to wake up and start bombing me with incoming messages. I looked at the number of messages, frowned, and flipped a mental coin on whether or not I was going to look at the messages; at zero dark thirty, I didn’t feel like having my bullshit meter pegged in the red zone.
The ‘coin’ came up tails; I frowned again – I should have cheated – and opened the app… and the first message I see is from a guy asking me how big my hands are and, in particular, how big my fist is. Now, I have had guys leave me messages asking me some pretty weird shit, like the guy several years ago who wanted me to give him a golden shower.
Um, dude, that’s what they make toilets for, okay? The question about my fist was so… different I actually looked at my hands and then made a fist. I thought, “Okay, I’ve never run across a guy who was into fisting…” – so I first replied that I never gave any thought the size of my fists and asked if he was into being fisted. I figured that I’d get a response from him and was expecting a yes answer; instead, he responded by asking me if I’d be willing to use them in the bedroom… and my eyes started rolling so hard I thought I heard them creaking in their sockets. I mean, how hard is it to answer a simple question? Apparently, friends, it’s incredibly difficult! I decided any further response to this guy was unwarranted and unnecessary.
Next I saw messages from this guy who, oh, I guess a month or so ago, I told I wasn’t looking or interested in doing the deed with him… but he sent me messages asking me when we can get together? What part of, “Sorry, I’m not interested” didn’t he understand? No need to respond to any of his queries and I wondered for a moment if he was just being persistent or he was just downright stupid.
Next was a message from a guy who said he’d love for me to suck his nine-inch dick… but a check of his profile says his dick is six and a half inches. Um, okay, fella, no need to respond to you, either.
Ya know, I can easily see and understand how and why men have this rep of thinking with their dicks and, thus, not being very intelligent. I’m not saying that any budding bisexuals out there shouldn’t join such a site because you can actually meet some really nice and decent guys… once you work your way through all of the idiocy, that is.
I eventually went to bed and slept very well, thank you. Ah, but when I got up and handled the morning business, I checked my iPod to see what I ‘missed’ while I slept; I’m playing “Words With Friends” with six people right now so I check to see what they’ve played; I check my Gmail account and clear out Facebook and game notifications… and the guy site app says I have three messages.
Blessedly, two of them were smiles… but there was one from some dude who was quite bold in telling me how much he’d love for us to get together so I could butt-fuck him. I hadn’t even had a sip of coffee yet! The message got deleted out of hand because, well, if you’re not going to take the time to read my profile, you’ve got some serious issues you need to attend to, like maybe learning how to read and, importantly, using your big head to do the thinking in this instead of the one in your underwear.
Yeah, I know… I’m riffing about the same lunacy… but there’s something to be learned here. Again, we – men – have this very bad rep when we have sex on the brain and attention to detail kinda goes out of the window. We tend to be single-minded about it and to the point where we ignore things we should be paying attention to so that you don’t ask a guy if you can top him when his profile says he’s not into being topped.
On a lot of these sites, there are a lot of men looking for dick and ass… but because they’re thinking with the wrong head, they’re often wondering why no one responds to their proposals or they get a response… and the responder is handing them their heads for being incredibly stupid.
I figured out some time ago that a lot of the men who troll such sites do so with the thought that any other man who’s on the site is desperate for sex with another guy and, thus, is going to be willing to throw down with anyone who asks. Budding bi guys pay attention: It is true that a lot of the problems bi men have is trying to find someone to have sex with. However, it’s not as if there aren’t men out there to play with – there are a lot of guys who are bisexual or even gay who are willing to get all hot and sweaty with you and, yep, the Internet can give you access to more men than you can shake your dick at. Still, none of this means that you have to put up with any dumb shit when it comes to this and, sadly, sites like this are chock full of more dumb shit than there is toilet paper to clean it up.
It’s really no different than trying to get a woman to give you some: There is a right and wrong way to go about doing this and, say, if you’re being rather crude and telling a woman who doesn’t give head how much you want to fuck her mouth, um, guess what ain’t gonna happen? So – and for bisexuals in particular – if you know this is true with women, uh, what makes you think it wouldn’t be true with some guy? Huh?
The mistake these guys make is assuming that you want to do whatever they want to do – how dumb is that? I mean, it’s not even a matter of it being a reasonable assumption because the only common ground here is that we like having sex with other men; how that might take place is very different and if you’re thinking, “Duh, of course it’s different!” then you’re feeling me on this one because it’s common sense… but it doesn’t seem to work with some guys, does it?
This shit is funny… but it’s also rather sad, too, when you stop to think about it… or it is when I stop to think about it, anyway. It is said – and is true – that you only get one chance to make a good first impression and if you’re asking me to put my fist in your ass, um, you have not made a good first impression on me… but you do wind up being the topic of my next blog. Do not try to impress me with the size of your dick; you approach me like a hood rat, not only am I not impressed but you will be summarily ignored. Hell, come out your face in any way I think is wrong and find out what might happen, like leaving me a long message about how you’d like to fuck me in the ass. If you’re lucky, I won’t even bother to reply; if you’re unlucky, I will tell you in some very painful detail just how much you didn’t impress me, up to and including questioning your parentage and your possible involvement with farm animals.
I understand that it’s just sex; it’s just so hilarious to see how guys behave in this, like being cordial and going for that good first impression isn’t important. You wanna send me dirty messages? Okay, I’m down with that… once you’ve made that good first impression; if you have and you wanna talk dirty, oh, yeah, bring it and I can pretty much guarantee that I’ll have you beating your meat like never before.
You come out of your face like that before establishing your bona fides, well…