I’m a 57-year-old bisexual, an orientation that’s as ingrained in me as breathing and those of you who have been following me since my arrival on WordPress know that being bi is something I’m passionate about, opinionated on and, sometimes even cynical about because there are times when I wonder, after almost fifty years, why I enjoy being bisexual.
In my last post, I mentioned that having sex with another guy isn’t what I’d call glamorous; it seems to be ‘trendy’ these days and more so since the angst over bisexual men is slowly going away… and since the science weenies finally decided that, yes, bisexual men do really exist. We’re not going to go into that whole disease vector shit right now but as I cranked up the Keurig this morning for a nice hot cup of coffee (Green Mountain’s Vermont blend, if you’re wondering), I found myself thinking about being bisexual and what, if anything, it all really meant.
Those of you who have a feel for me probably already know that it was a really deep moment of thought; it had me thinking about being a man and how – and perhaps why – we have the dog label plastered all over us along with the assumed behavior that we’ll fuck anything moving. As I added a bit of sugar to my coffee, I thought, “Well, a lot of it is purely the nature of what we are; we’re compelled to spread our seed…” – which is true and makes me agree with the scientific sentiment that sperm is plentiful while eggs are not. Still, as I added a bit of hazelnut creamer, while that kinda can explain our behavior, it doesn’t really explain why some of us would get with another guy… other than the ‘obvious’ fact that we either have an affinity for our brothers or the other ‘obvious’ fact that anything that’ll get us to bust a nut works; if nothing else, throwing down with the guy next door does, in fact, satisfy the compulsion to have sex – but without that whole procreation thing taking place.
Of course, there’s the moral angst to consider – we’re just not supposed to be doing this to and with each other because, um, that’s what girls are for… which is fine… but doesn’t change anything, does it? I know that in my many experiences, I can’t think of too many times when the thought, “You’re not supposed to be doing this” hasn’t crossed my mind… but was also summarily ignored while adding an internal response of, “Yeah, yeah, I know – can we talk about this later? I’m kinda busy…”
After fixing a cup of hazelnut coffee, it occurred to me that being bisexual is both a way to be as much as it is a thing to do, a form of sexual expression, a step toward being sexually liberated – read this as breaking away from the standard boy/girl dogma – but still something that tends to make others uncomfortable; my sexuality has cost me quite a few friendships over the years but I came to see this as the price for being the man I needed to be.
I was working on integrating those M/M books into my library and as I’m doing my thing with them, I see the book covers and the men being depicted and read the tag lines that are a part of the data on the book and a lot of them has the word “romance” in there… a word that I can associate with men loving men on an intellectual basis. It had me wondering for a moment whether these writers of erotic fiction are compelled to ‘normalize’ men being involved with other men, you know, apply the same notions of boy/girl relationships to something that is outside of the norm.
A lot of the books seem to include forms of BDSM; this, too, had me wondering, “Is this what people think two guys do when they’re involved with each other?” Unbidden, a thought surfaced in my mind, reminding me that the dominant/submissive thing somehow must be maintained, the long version of “someone has to be the man, someone has to not be the man…”
Except… despite what two guys might be doing with each other, they’re still men, something I learned way back in the day when going down on a guy and he said, “Yeah, suck my dick good, bitch!” See, if women think they’re the only ones who suffer such indignant behavior, well, you’re not and is, at least in my opinion, the not-so-glamorous part of being bisexual and an almost constant reminder that while I’ve never seen myself as being less than a man for my orientation, yeah, there are some guys who might disagree with that – at their own risk, of course because, I ain’t your bitch… bitch.
I have all of this running around in my head and it makes me wonder if being bisexual and experiencing all the stuff I have with this is really worth the hassles that comes along with daring to be different. There are times when I think it’s not been worth it… but I’ll turn right around and change my mind about it because, at the very least, I’ve been able to explore and indulge myself in this dual mode… while other men are unable to. I think about the fact that, as a bisexual man, I’ve had a better time of it than most guys I know.
And then I realized that it is what it is, that if I had a chance to go back and change the event that ‘made’ me bisexual, I wouldn’t change it. I don’t get into all that “this is what I was meant to be” stuff – it’s what I am and what I do (well, part of it anyway – your boy still loves women and pussy very much, thank you).
In the face of, say, “Tom” giving “Pete” a blowjob just because it’s something to do, I realize that I can’t shake my ‘old fashioned’ view of being bisexual because, again, it’s just as much a way to be as it is a thing to do. I still rejoice in my duality; when people ask me if I like men or women more, I still answer, “Yes.” because, for me at least, it’s never been about either/or – you don’t decide you’re bisexual and still force yourself into making a choice – it kinda defeats the whole purpose, I think.
The perception about bi men still makes me roll my eyes: That we’re so promiscuous and so willing to do something with anyone who comes along, gender notwithstanding, that we’re all so indiscriminate about it all and, oh, yeah, careless beyond belief. I think about HIV/AIDS (and other STDs) and how that’s become a hot topic when it comes to bisexual sex nowadays – the finger’s being pointed more at bi men these days than gays -so now everyone just assumes that if you’re a bisexual man, you are a disease vector by default… which is really stupid when you think about this: It assumes that you ‘automatically’ are infected if you’re a man and bisexual. The truth, which means little in the face of the perception, is that, yeah, there are infected men out there and, yes, this particular disease isn’t one that makes itself readily apparent, not like getting a dose of the clap, for example. So, sure, “Tom” could have unprotected anal sex with “Pete,” who didn’t know he got infected when he got busy with “Earl” and, oops.
As a bi guy, this is worrisome… because it also assumes that we’re all blatantly stupid, like it never occurs to us, as our hormones and lust are raging within us, that if we’re going to stick our cocks into another guy’s ass, that putting on a condom is the right thing to do. It assumes that our need to have sex like this blinds us to the fact that getting tested isn’t germane to the situation or that we’re all that dumb enough to believe that we’d never get infected. It’s not the truth, of course, but in this, the perception is a lot worse and, yes, as a bisexual man, this perception affects me as well.
So, in the face of the all the downsides to having sex like this, none of it seems to change the fact that, as far as I can tell, more men are turning to getting their rocks off like this. If I could give a carefully selected guy some head, I most certainly would… because it’s what I am just as much as it is a thing to do. Again, perception being worse than the truth, I have to take into account that it’s believed that all bi men do all that can be done each and every time they can do it; I know this isn’t true because, um, I don’t. I can even admit that at one point in my life, I was doing it all because, simply, it made sense to do it all and, by and large, it not only felt good but was also a good experience.
But if I have to be smarter about being bisexual, then any guys having the thought in their heads about it should be smarter as well – which is why I put myself out there and write stuff like this. The message here is to, as we say in the IT world, “own the process;” that means to not only embrace being bisexual but to also establish and maintain what being bi means to you and regardless of how you express yourself when naked with another guy. If you’re a cock sucker but not one for anal penetration, yeah, stand your ground on this one and be the best cock sucker you can be.
I’ll admit that there’s some ‘fear’ associated with having sex with a guy, especially that first time – it’s to be expected and while I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever felt that trepidation, I have seen it in others. Writing this helps me keep things in perspective; what I find an easy thing to do might not be seen that way by a guy sitting back and deciding if this is something he wants to do. I’ve learned, in these, uh, modern times that it is just sex; a blowjob is a blowjob regardless to who’s giving it and as far as that anal sex thing is concerned, well, it’s really kinda obvious, ain’t it? Us guys still have the compulsion to fuck and since we just have to be able to stick our dicks into someone, well, burying the bone in a man’s ass is really no different from burying it in a woman’s butt, is it? I like to jokingly say that women have us outnumbered three holes to two… so it’s not like we have a lot of choices in this.
So when I see people searching about this or maybe read a blog where guy-on-guy stuff might come up, it makes me think about my own experiences and, yep, how I’m feeling about them in the here and now. I realize that I could be quiet about this… but, at least in my mind, it serves no purpose to be silent because I know that I’m not the only bisexual in the world and given that knowledge is power, well, it’s better to share my knowledge rather than let other men (or even women) approach this with unintended ignorance.
It makes me think about the impact gay porn has on being bisexual which probably lends itself to the perception guys like me have to live with. Make no mistake about it: When you’re having sex with a guy, it is homosexual sex. I don’t kid myself about it and neither should any man (or woman) who thinks having sex like this is fun. Gay porn makes me roll my eyes, shake my head and, often, gives me many Lewis Black moments when I see guys who aren’t like me – just regular kind of guys.
Watch gay porn and you see malnourished twinks, muscle-bound hulks better suited for Mr. Universe contests and, the thing that drives me nuts, men all into leather and in ways that could make one think that bikers are all gay – although I would never officially say that to a biker ’cause I like living. These things – these portrayals – give having homosexual sex a bad name, I think – that “art” trying to imitate life thing again.
I was with a guy and we were about to get busy and he put some gay porn on to, as he put it, set the mood… but I didn’t have the heart to tell him that gay porn is a turn-off for me. In the scene he had running – with his eyes totally locked on the screen – two leather-bound dudes were doing things to each other that had me thinking that if a guy tried that shit with me, I would surely kill him.
The guy turned to me and asked, “Do you like doing it like that?”
My response was, “Oh, hell no; I don’t have the mindset for the rough stuff – I tend to react very badly to it.”
He was dismayed but we were still going to get it on… as soon as he got in the mood. The next scene was interracial, with a black version of the hulk just really doing a number on a guy who wasn’t even a quarter of the Black guy’s size; the guy I was with – a white guy – was losing his mind and asked, “You’re gonna do me just like that, aren’t you?”
My response: “Hell no; I just want to suck your dick and get sucked!”
He said – and I shit you not – “But… I thought all Black guys do it like that!”
So not only do I, as a bisexual, have to deal with the perceptions and truths of my chosen sexual preference, I also have to deal with the stereotypes, too… and so will any other bisexual guy out there and regardless to his ethnicity… so if you didn’t know, now you know that gay porn, all by itself, might have some impact on you.
I’m done for now – I had all of this on my mind and had to get it out. Maybe what I’ve written can answer the question of what a guy thinks about if he’s bi or considering straddling the fence. It can be all that… and not so much; satisfying and not so much either; liberating in many ways… but a box – and one not of our making – in which we can become entrapped, shoe-horned, categorized, and labeled and something that can take away from two important things about being a bisexual man: This is what we are and this is how we roll when it comes to sexual – and even emotional – gratification. Doesn’t mean we don’t love taking the old lady, putting her on the dining room table, and doing a number on her because, in case you forget, not only do we love pussy but when we’re not having sex with a guy, we’re having straight sex with a woman.
The best of both worlds… and sometimes a curse just the same.