How Do I Tell You That I’m Bisexual?

Travellinginternationally’s latest blog brings up an interesting subject:  Being bisexual and being in a relationship with someone who’s straight… and how do you go about telling them about this (http://3somes.wordpress.com/2013/03/27/threesome-and-bisexuality/).

I can tell you it’s not the easiest thing in the world to do and that it is something that has the potential for disaster.  Whether or not it results in a threesome or anything like that isn’t really the issue, although I have heard of it happening; however, I’m thinking that before that conversation ever comes up, dealing with the possible fallout is of greater import.

One of two things might happen:  You tell your partner that you’re bi and they don’t freak out as you run it down to them… or you might have to duck and cover while sticking your fingers in your ears because they’re going to freak the hell out and at high decibel levels.

I’ve seen that if you tell them at the beginning of the relationship, you might not be having a relationship with them and, if you do manage to get past that, it’ll be with the caveat that you never, ever, even think about doing something about it.  I’ve seen people discover this about themselves after the relationship has been cruising along for a while and the news isn’t always accepted well; the straight partner will almost always assume that you feel this way out of some dissatisfaction with them and, no, this scenario isn’t unheard of either – but that’s not the real point.

Travelling and I agree that seeking professional help is a waste of time; I mean, what is a therapist gonna say or do because someone’s bisexual?  In his blog, he gives a list of LGBT sites that could be helpful… and that’s fine and might even be of some value in helping your decide on whether or not you wanna spill the beans on this one.

In my opinion, it’s a judgement call and one based on how well you know your partner and how you think they might react to such news.  Now, there are some who may feel that full disclosure in a relationship is essential… and I’d agree with that… if you planned on trying to do something about it (or go back to doing it if you were bi before the fact).  Sure, you can share with your partner how you feel and, really, you should… but are you with someone you can do this with?

You’d better be sure of this and more so if staying in the relationship with them is important to you.

So how do you tell them?  You could just walk up to them and say, “Honey, there’s something we need to talk about…” and when you’re both seated and comfortable, lay it all out to them; all I’m saying is that you’d better be ready to deal with whatever happens after you utter the words, “I’m bisexual…”  I do feel that there are some things that your partner really has to try to understand:

1.  Because you like boys/girls doesn’t mean that you don’t love them or enjoy having sex with them.

2.  Because you feel this way does not mean that something has to be done about it so running out to have some same-sex sex isn’t even an issue because you’re just telling them how you feel or, if it’s the case, whatever you may have done before being in the relationship with them.

You, as the person doing the telling, should be aware that your partner just might take this personally and could see it as a direct affront and insult to them which, of course, isn’t the case at all; I’m just telling you that once they get this idea in their head, getting it out is almost impossible.  They will almost always ask you if you’ve done anything since you’ve been with them… and I hope you haven’t but if you have, well, once you get this snowball rolling downhill, you can’t stop it, if you catch my drift.  The whole conversation is going to be about them and how they feel more than it is about you and how you feel and, yeah, you might be fervently wishing that you had kept your big mouth shut.

It’s rough.  I’ve had quite a few guys and gals ask me about the best way to let their partner know or, better yet, how to respond if/when their partner questions them about what might be wrong with them when the sex isn’t up to its usual standards.  The first thing out my mouth is that it’s not an easy thing to do and then I’ll ask them how well they know their partner and if they can gauge their possible reactions.  See, when it comes to this, the fear isn’t really about telling them – it’s about not knowing how their partner is going to react to the news.

Is there a way to tell if you’re partner’s gonna react badly?  Well, yeah… kinda.  If they’re outspoken about homosexuality in any form and in negative ways, um, they might not react well to the news.  If you can’t sit down and have a conversation about sex with them – even in general terms – well, they might not react in a good way.  If you know that your partner has insecurities, ditto.

Do you have to tell them?  Well, I think you could be damned if you do and damned if you don’t.  In my experiences, I’ve found it’s better to get that little fact out right from the start of the relationship and if they react badly, well, it was probably not meant to be.  If it happens to come up at some later date, well, that might not go well and all because you didn’t mention it from the git-go – unless, of course, this was something that you stumbled upon after the fact… and then you’ve got some explaining to do, like, how come all of a sudden you feel this way and maybe followed by what they might have done to make you feel this way.

Ideally, you can tell your partner about your bisexual feelings and they accept that you feel this way, understand that it has nothing to do with them physically or emotionally, and life goes on.  But since we don’t live in a perfect world and Murphy’s Law likes to invoke itself unannounced, all I can honestly say is that telling them is easy; dealing with the consequences of telling them probably won’t be.

There’s just no tried and true way of telling them this and is one of those situations where logic and common sense can’t stand up against how someone might feel about this.  I know that men and women both can get bent out of shape about this and I wouldn’t dare try to quantify who gets bent the most.  I’ve talked to guys and of those I’ve talked to over the years, some think it would be cool if their woman was bisexual while very few women I’ve talked to feel that having a bi guy is okay.  Likewise, some guys said they’d lose their motherfucking minds to learn that his baby went both ways and some women just declined to respond one way or the other… which doesn’t mean they’re okay with it.

So how do you tell?  Very carefully…