As some of you may remember, seven years ago, I had a stroke; not only did it affect me physically but some of my memories took a hit as well. Since then, I have… um, moments when memories I thought were gone suddenly appear out of nowhere; while this is a good thing, er, ah, some of the things that pop into my head aren’t exactly what I’d call clean and pure.
A few minutes ago, I’m taking care of the monthly business, ya know, paying stuff, trying to keep a close eye on what little money I have to work with, when out of the clear blue sky I started ‘thinking’ about every time I got fucked and every blow job I’ve ever given a guy. I mean, I know I’ve done it – remembering that is easy enough – but I recalled some events that I didn’t even know I had forgotten until they flashed through my mind.
And, no, WordPress monitors, I am not going to add any of the nice pictures you provide to help illustrate things…
Now, as a bisexual, that I’ve done some… stuff is really no surprise to me and I’m glad that my brain is still working on rewiring itself. What struck me about this event – other than the fact that it happened – was the afterthoughts when I got over the mild shock. Well, it wasn’t exactly a thought as much as it was a comfortable feeling; see, now we’re about to get into some really esoteric shit. It was like, yeah, I did that, liked that one time, didn’t as much like everything about the next event – kinda hard to really nail it down when the whole experienced lasted about a minute and so many things flashed through quickly but were noted just the same.
Memory is such a fantastic thing, ain’t it?
I told myself I needed to write this down because I might forget that it happened or that series of events may not take a dash across my neural pathways any time soon. The feelings weren’t about being horny or anything; it was more like my brain was saying, “Oh, here’s some shit I found; take a look at it, okay?”
And I just kinda said, “Oh, okay…” and, well, it was just comfortable – sorry, but that’s the closest I can get to explaining how I felt.
All of this is kinda like a PSA for bi newbies or those bi-curious guys (or guys interested in the subject) that being comfortable with the thoughts of whatever it is you’ve done (or want to do) is a really good thing. Yeah, sure, not every experience I had was all storybook perfect with a happy ending, a reminder that just focusing on the good things that happened doesn’t serve a purpose if/when you’re thinking about your sexuality – it’s best to examine it all because, as it is said, those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
This was different from when I’ve searched my mind for a particular event and then examine it in detail; like I said, it was like ‘reading’ some stuff that I found, stuff I hadn’t even known I’d lost – I just thought it interesting that this particular thing would pop into my head.
I know there are a lot of bisexuals who don’t really thing about being bisexual and, truthfully, I don’t think about it as much as I used to when I was younger, back when I had more questions than answers. It’s really something when your brain, which has been known to conspire against you and act on its own volition, kinda makes you think about it… like you need to be reminded.
Even as I sit and write this, I’m still examining the stuff that was ‘found’ or restored, if you will and at a much slower speed… and it’s a lot of stuff to ‘look’ at (imagine me trying to look innocent). I can ‘hear’ my inner voice saying things like, “Wow, I did that with that guy?” or asking, “Um, when did I do that?” or, a couple of times, I looked at something I had done and said, “Ouch…”
Along with the memories were impressions of things I was feeling like pain, discomfort, frustration, mad crazy hungry lust or the empty sensation of not feeling anything at all. Excitement, doubt and uncertainty, and even feelings of resignation sped through along with the really heady feelings of doing something where the risk of getting caught is great… but you do it anyway.
And instead of trying to make some kind of sense out of those thoughts and feeling, I just sighed softly to myself and thought, “It’s all good…” Now, because I did get these things back, I might come back later with what I think about those specific events.