After my rant of the other day, I sat and asked myself, “Self, when did you become the poster child for bisexuality?” It was a good question and more so after I saw a TV commercial for a LGBT conference next week in Philadelphia – talk about timing! No, I won’t be attending the conference although I’m glad such things exist and when I thought about why they do, well, I kinda answered my own question; I told myself, “Self, you talk about being bi simply because you want other people to understand; did that answer your question?”
While Self was trying to decide if the question had been answered, I took a trip through the memory files trying to find that moment in time when I decided to be so vocal about being bisexual… and I think it was somewhere around the early 1980s and having an unexpected conversation with a guy who was troubled because he realized that he liked having sex with men… and the only reason he was telling me about it was that he knew (because I had told him) that I had more experience with it than he had.
Self said, while still pondering the given answer, “Oh, yeah, I remember that day; we were surprised about that one, weren’t we?”
Yeah, I was… but I could see that he was greatly troubled and while a part of me wanted to brush him off so he could find his own answers (like I had to do), something inside of me said that doing that would just be wrong – so we talked for quite a few hours. Afterward, he went on his way with what I hoped was a better understanding of himself. And I’ve been pulling out my soapbox ever since, mostly because seeing all the stupid stereotypes and hearing the myths – and how those things tend to fuck with the minds of others – just pushes my buttons, sends the bullshitometer into the red zone and, um, occasionally, I’ll go off the deep end because I understand that, innately and even intuitively that being bisexual isn’t a big deal if can get to understand it or, better yet, have someone in the know explain it to you.
Self said, “Yeah, you’re kinda okay when you want to be, you big softy…”
I ignored Self – like I asked him for his opinion – but I did remind him that he needed to answer my question about answering his question. Anyway…
I thought about the written rant as well as the comments from those who added their thoughts – and I thank all of them for joining the conversation. I even re-read it and Self, peeking over my shoulder (the nosy fucker), said, “Wow, that was kinda passionate, huh? You ever think about running for office?”
Asshole; he knows good and damned well I’d never want to be or make a good politician… but I digress. I realized that I was in a pretty good position because I’ve truly been there and done all the things that plague some bisexuals and convinces them not to identify themselves as being bisexual. I’ve spent years either listening to people pulling the wool over their own eyes or reading about it, chatting with other, stuff like that and, at some point, I asked myself, “Self, over here; got another question for ya: Is this trip really necessary?”
Self thought for a moment and replied, “Well, yeah, you big fucking dummy – not everyone can understand this as easily as you did – Jeez! Don’t forget, dude, just because you’re comfortable doesn’t mean someone else would be so, duh, for them, the trip is necessary…”
Sometimes I can’t stand Self and because he’s usually right about these things. I just know it’s easier when you can be comfortable… so I share my experiences and, uh-huh, on occasion, rant and rave as if I’m a lunatic.
“If?” Self asked, chuckling to himself. “The boy said ‘if’… right…”
The main thing is about sharing knowledge in this; if you know something but fail to pass it on, well, that kinda sucks and more so if others can benefit from what you know. It’s not about being a know-it-all or even some self-professed ‘expert’ – it’s about this is what I am, what I’ve done and, importantly, what I’ve come to understand about being bisexual beginning with the most import thing any bisexual can do: Accept that this is how you are.
“You’re not getting ready to pull out the soapbox again, are you?” Self asks.
No, I’m just writing – you got my answer yet? You know I don’t like to be kept waiting.
Self just shrugs and falls silent, which is a good thing as I give him my most evil stare. Then he nods and says, “Yeah, you answered my question, thank you. You sure you’re not gonna go on another rant about this?”
Yes, I’m sure – Jeez, he acts like he’s my mother or something! I know that I can search the web and find plenty of clinical stuff about bisexuality and could easily just point others to this reference material… but, more often than not, that stuff is so sterile and impersonal and often leaves people with either the wrong impression or sticks them with more questions than answers. So I put the word out from a personal point of view because who are you gonna believe – someone who is bisexual or some bookworm who has never experienced any aspect of it except to talk to other people and then base their findings on what I like to call scientific voyeurism.
“Scientific voyeurism – I like that,” Self announces, barely suppressing a giggle.
Be quiet – I’m trying to write here, okay? I just think it’s better if someone who’s been there and done that let’s those folks who are interested and/or concerned about this that being bi isn’t as bad as everyone says it is. Sure, it has some down sides but what in life doesn’t have a down side? And, just like anything else, it’s not that there’s a down side – it’s what you do about it when you come across it that is the most telling.
“Are you done now?” Self asks.
Just about; why are you asking?
“I need more coffee,” Self replies as he tries to impose his will to make me stop typing and do his bidding. “You can write more about this after you get me more coffee, okay?”
Yeah, sure, but if you wanted to impress me, you’d go get it yourself – oh, right… you can’t – you’re just a voice in my head!
More later because Self is right (again) – more coffee is needed.