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Shh! Don’t Tell Anyone, But…

03 May

I was reading Harukifan’s latest blog (http://swinglifestyleblog.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/4-of-our-biggest-hesitations-about-the-swinger-lifestyle/) and the one thing that stuck out in my mind was his first question, “Will our friends be horrified?”

Let me say a few things about discretion in the lifestyle and how everyone – well, pretty much everyone – demands it while doing some things that, at least in my opinion, negate the need for secrecy, like joining a swingers website, for instance.

Okay, it’s understood that if some other people found out what you and your partner do on the weekends (or whenever you play), there could be some fallout because your morals can come under review by folks who can really fuck your whole life up or, at the least, make your lives miserable, like an employer, family, members of your church if you attend, etc..  So the need to keep yourselves under the radar is necessary for some people when they want to play in the pool with the big kids, right?

I’ve seen many profiles that state that discretion is a must… except, um, they’ve said this in their profile, the one with pictures in it that could identify them even if they went through the trouble to block out their faces.  Uh… there are other ways to identify you from your pictures and if you didn’t know that, now you do.  That you’re trying to interact with other people on the site kinda throws discretion out the window because, duh, if you weren’t a swinger, you wouldn’t be on the site would you?

The thing that I learned will give your secret away are all the things you try to do to protect it.  Again, an observant person can notice patterns of behavior and easily guess that, hmm, they’re up to something and then it’s just a process of elimination to figure out what that something is.   Changes in your normal routine can be noticed, like, before you started swinging, you rarely went anywhere other than to work, the store, normal-type stuff… but now you’re ‘suddenly’ going away for the weekend a lot or that it’s gotten out that you and your partner are going to a resort in Jamaica but you’ve never, ever said anything prior about wanting to go there.  Or, you have a ‘sudden’ increase in the number of people visiting your home or even spending the weekend or that you’re having more parties than usual.

If you think your neighbors don’t notice this stuff, guess again, okay?  It’s not like they can’t or don’t see you loading up the car when you’re sneaking off to meet someone on neutral territory, you know.  And then, you might be smart enough to do your dirt somewhere neutral… but you can never really know who you might run into or, even worse, who might see you checking in to the no-tell motel and you didn’t see them.  Much worse are the people who might know you… but you don’t know them because they’re a friend of a friend.

Or, if you’re normally friendly and talk to your neighbors about stuff – but now you’re being kinda secretive about things, the observant (or nosy) neighbor has now got that seed implanted in their minds that something’s going on that you don’t want them to know.  This is also true for your now-vanilla friends; it’s not that you’d outrightly lie to them but it’s what you don’t say to them that might arouse their suspicions.

Got kids?  If you start spending a lot of time leaving them with the sitter or with their grandparents (if they’re not old enough to stay at home unsupervised, that is) they’re gonna wonder what the hell is going on and they will ask questions that you’re gonna be dodging and all I’m saying here is don’t assume that your kids ain’t smart enough to put two and two together and those jokers have been known to eavesdrop on your conversations, too.

Discreet, right?  And you probably wouldn’t know that the couple who lives two doors down from you are also swingers… and they’re on the same site you’re on so how long do you think it’ll take for them to run across your profile and especially when they search for other couples close to them?

Swingers fear being outed and that’s understandable if not kinda odd because you’ve opened up your relationships so that you can be a part of a lifestyle that’s kinda wide open… and you’re still trying to do your level best to not only keep your swinging secret under wraps but hiding the fact that you’re having sex in the first place… like no one is ever gonna figure it out.

Even when swingers are communicating with other swingers, the less information given out, the better… except that tends to make some folks suspicious because you’re not forthcoming about stuff; I know a few swingers whose profiles say that they live somewhere other than where they actually live and, in the swinging community, there’s a big difference between being discreet and lying like a rug.

The question I ask those folks who are quite anal about being discreet is that if they are that worried about someone finding out what they’re doing, why are they in the lifestyle to begin with?  What, do they show up at a meet and greet wearing masks to protect their identities?  Do they employ counter-surveillance techniques when they’re on their way to the club or party or the hotel?

Yeah, when you’re sitting down with each other and talking about whether doing this is a good thing or not, you have to address the question of someone – or a lot of someones – learning your secret and what consequences, if any, will you have to deal with because of your actions.  I mean, you go out and play and trust that the people you’re playing with isn’t going to say anything… but can you be 100% positive that they won’t unintentionally out you?  A lot of swingers say that they never kiss and tell… and that’s a lie and you can see that on the forums… but is swingers talking to other swingers about swinging – and the people they’ve played with – being indiscreet?  If you have any validations, you know, those things that say to folks who view your profile that you are for-real, um, doesn’t that say that there are some people who know what you’re into… and even if you’ve never actually slept with them?  And, of course, the more validations you have, the more people know about your little secret, right?

Hmm.  I’m not saying that the people who have much to lose if they get found out don’t have cause to worry and that they shouldn’t protect themselves in this – I’m just pointing out some stuff that I’ve noticed over the years that discretion-loving people do that can give them away – and all because you’re trying hard to cover it all up.

 
7 Comments

Posted by on 3 May 2013 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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7 responses to “Shh! Don’t Tell Anyone, But…

  1. lifeofalovergirl

    3 May 2013 at 16:49

    Hmmmm…. Im pretty discreet, I think. I sincerely doubt my neighbors have a clue. They think Im a lonely single mom and they are a tad nosy even.

    One thing I rarely do is bring anyone to my house. My kids do know I go out on dates with various guys and to an occasional party but I don’t think “swinger” occurs to them. My 13 yr old may wonder more when he knows I have a couple different male “friends” but I’ve pretty much described it as not being serious about dating right now.

    On the swinger site my profile does not have any pictures of my face. If someone has seen the inside of my bedroom before or knows how I dress they might be able to figure it out but most wouldn’t. I don’t usually exchange pics until I’ve seen the persons face or know a little about them. Still I figure if they are in this too they will naturally be less likely to spread the news and will use some discretion.

    On dating sites Im careful what I put in my profile. I also dont usually add guys Im playing with on Facebook. Only the married man but that was his idea and he of course doesnt post anything on my page or interact with me on there.

    I have seen some people that probably recognized at parties but it’s like they are here too so what can they say?

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    • kdaddy23

      3 May 2013 at 20:49

      Singles in the lifestyle usually don’t have to worry like couples do; people expect them to date, go to parties, and even have one or more lovers – I wasn’t thinking about single people but I’m glad you mentioned it because, sure, discretion would be just as important to you, being a mom and all; a pissed-off ex, if they knew about this, could cause big-time trouble.

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      • lifeofalovergirl

        4 May 2013 at 01:48

        Yes, it’s true in a lot of cases singles have less need to be discreet but when you are a woman and a mom, you still kinda have to. Add “former preachers wife” to that and yeah…. Oh and it could cause me all kinds of issues if teachers, coaches, and others involved in my children’s lives came across that info. Especially since I have a teenage son that keeps getting into trouble. The police and authority figures are a lot nicer because they see me as a “good mom”. Knowing my sexual habits, sadly, might make a lot of them, in this ultra conservative area, view me differently.

        Like

         
      • kdaddy23

        4 May 2013 at 11:59

        Oh, yeah, I’m feeling ya! My thoughts are that if you have a lot to lose, being a swinger might not be the smartest thing you could do. People get outed, either purely by accident or deliberately; I know a couple who got outed on Facebook a few years ago and all because they didn’t want to have a second play date with another couple. The fallout from being outed was pretty bad… and you really have to ask yourself if getting some extra pussy and/or dick is really worth shattering your whole life.

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      • lifeofalovergirl

        4 May 2013 at 17:23

        Yeah, in my case if people DID find out I don’t think it would be the end of the world. Still I prefer to keep it discreet if I can. Funny thing is that the Prof recently applied for a job where he would be more out in the public eye and would have to be more careful because of it. He was telling me he didn’t know how that would affect his participation in “the Lifestyle” if he gets it. I suspect he will because he’d definitely be a good person for the job. Seems kind of counterintuitive that he dumped me right before that and was all “I don’t want a relationship” but whatever.

        Like

         
  2. redwinenroses

    21 May 2013 at 00:30

    Same things I had posted on that particular site we used to be on and people thought I was a troublemaker for posting it.

    If you recall, we got outed on a non-sex site a couple years back, and while P had been saying all along that he didn’t care who knew we were swinging, it did not make him happy for us to be outed like that. Especially since it was a site his family and mine both frequently used.

    This brings me to a point I would like to make about something you said. I’m totally paraphrasing here but the idea was that if they were on a swingers site it was to swing, same as you, so why worry about it. They couldn’t see you on it unless they were on it.

    Well, in this small town there are a lot of nosy ass people and many who would [did] join a swingers site just to see if their friends,family, boss, or neighbors were on it. That is how we got outed.

    So, while discretion is not really something you can have a lot of on a swingers site, just by the very nature of the site, it is something many people strive for on a swingers site. I do get what you are saying, though.

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      21 May 2013 at 00:49

      I do recall that incident, which makes why swingers demanding discretion tends to make me laugh since they like hanging out on websites where they can be found. Again – for anyone else following comments – I get that want to do their dirt without other people finding out about it; whole lives can be ruined if that information gets into the wrong hands. But being discovered or even outed is something a lot of swingers worry about just the same.

      I wouldn’t doubt that there are people who have axes to grind who’d go through the trouble of joining every swinger site in the country just so they can look for people they can stick a knife or two into, oh, like private detectives, for instance.

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