Shh! Don’t Tell Anyone, But…

I was reading Harukifan’s latest blog (http://swinglifestyleblog.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/4-of-our-biggest-hesitations-about-the-swinger-lifestyle/) and the one thing that stuck out in my mind was his first question, “Will our friends be horrified?”

Let me say a few things about discretion in the lifestyle and how everyone – well, pretty much everyone – demands it while doing some things that, at least in my opinion, negate the need for secrecy, like joining a swingers website, for instance.

Okay, it’s understood that if some other people found out what you and your partner do on the weekends (or whenever you play), there could be some fallout because your morals can come under review by folks who can really fuck your whole life up or, at the least, make your lives miserable, like an employer, family, members of your church if you attend, etc..  So the need to keep yourselves under the radar is necessary for some people when they want to play in the pool with the big kids, right?

I’ve seen many profiles that state that discretion is a must… except, um, they’ve said this in their profile, the one with pictures in it that could identify them even if they went through the trouble to block out their faces.  Uh… there are other ways to identify you from your pictures and if you didn’t know that, now you do.  That you’re trying to interact with other people on the site kinda throws discretion out the window because, duh, if you weren’t a swinger, you wouldn’t be on the site would you?

The thing that I learned will give your secret away are all the things you try to do to protect it.  Again, an observant person can notice patterns of behavior and easily guess that, hmm, they’re up to something and then it’s just a process of elimination to figure out what that something is.   Changes in your normal routine can be noticed, like, before you started swinging, you rarely went anywhere other than to work, the store, normal-type stuff… but now you’re ‘suddenly’ going away for the weekend a lot or that it’s gotten out that you and your partner are going to a resort in Jamaica but you’ve never, ever said anything prior about wanting to go there.  Or, you have a ‘sudden’ increase in the number of people visiting your home or even spending the weekend or that you’re having more parties than usual.

If you think your neighbors don’t notice this stuff, guess again, okay?  It’s not like they can’t or don’t see you loading up the car when you’re sneaking off to meet someone on neutral territory, you know.  And then, you might be smart enough to do your dirt somewhere neutral… but you can never really know who you might run into or, even worse, who might see you checking in to the no-tell motel and you didn’t see them.  Much worse are the people who might know you… but you don’t know them because they’re a friend of a friend.

Or, if you’re normally friendly and talk to your neighbors about stuff – but now you’re being kinda secretive about things, the observant (or nosy) neighbor has now got that seed implanted in their minds that something’s going on that you don’t want them to know.  This is also true for your now-vanilla friends; it’s not that you’d outrightly lie to them but it’s what you don’t say to them that might arouse their suspicions.

Got kids?  If you start spending a lot of time leaving them with the sitter or with their grandparents (if they’re not old enough to stay at home unsupervised, that is) they’re gonna wonder what the hell is going on and they will ask questions that you’re gonna be dodging and all I’m saying here is don’t assume that your kids ain’t smart enough to put two and two together and those jokers have been known to eavesdrop on your conversations, too.

Discreet, right?  And you probably wouldn’t know that the couple who lives two doors down from you are also swingers… and they’re on the same site you’re on so how long do you think it’ll take for them to run across your profile and especially when they search for other couples close to them?

Swingers fear being outed and that’s understandable if not kinda odd because you’ve opened up your relationships so that you can be a part of a lifestyle that’s kinda wide open… and you’re still trying to do your level best to not only keep your swinging secret under wraps but hiding the fact that you’re having sex in the first place… like no one is ever gonna figure it out.

Even when swingers are communicating with other swingers, the less information given out, the better… except that tends to make some folks suspicious because you’re not forthcoming about stuff; I know a few swingers whose profiles say that they live somewhere other than where they actually live and, in the swinging community, there’s a big difference between being discreet and lying like a rug.

The question I ask those folks who are quite anal about being discreet is that if they are that worried about someone finding out what they’re doing, why are they in the lifestyle to begin with?  What, do they show up at a meet and greet wearing masks to protect their identities?  Do they employ counter-surveillance techniques when they’re on their way to the club or party or the hotel?

Yeah, when you’re sitting down with each other and talking about whether doing this is a good thing or not, you have to address the question of someone – or a lot of someones – learning your secret and what consequences, if any, will you have to deal with because of your actions.  I mean, you go out and play and trust that the people you’re playing with isn’t going to say anything… but can you be 100% positive that they won’t unintentionally out you?  A lot of swingers say that they never kiss and tell… and that’s a lie and you can see that on the forums… but is swingers talking to other swingers about swinging – and the people they’ve played with – being indiscreet?  If you have any validations, you know, those things that say to folks who view your profile that you are for-real, um, doesn’t that say that there are some people who know what you’re into… and even if you’ve never actually slept with them?  And, of course, the more validations you have, the more people know about your little secret, right?

Hmm.  I’m not saying that the people who have much to lose if they get found out don’t have cause to worry and that they shouldn’t protect themselves in this – I’m just pointing out some stuff that I’ve noticed over the years that discretion-loving people do that can give them away – and all because you’re trying hard to cover it all up.