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Why We Fail

07 May

I’m probably going to be asked to turn in my Man Card for this, but a recent posting by Lifeofalovergirl has prompted me to write a little something about the things that make us suck at sex.  Admittedly but sadly a lot of us just don’t want to be bothered with the finer nuances of having sex – read this as we don’t want to be bothered trying to figure out what women want in this and more so since we learn early on that some women don’t know, can’t tell us what they want, or won’t tell us; they’re working from the premise that we’re supposed to know… like we’re mind-readers.

Some of us fail because we don’t care about that and we do think that even if girlfriend isn’t satisfied, tough shit – like it or not, I still got the pussy so the purpose has been served.  Such thinking makes us all look like total assholes.

My ‘beef’ with LOALG is based on what is to me a simple premise:  If you don’t tell a guy what’ll flip your switch, how is he supposed to know?  Some of you have seen me write something that makes sense (if only to me):  I know how to make love… what I don’t know is how to make love to YOU.  I say this because I know all too well what might work on one woman ain’t gonna work on another… which is why some of us actually go through the learning phase to absorb as much knowledge as we can about doing this to her – and then hope we can do something she finds satisfying… while keeping in mind that what worked on her last night might not work tonight.

Of course, I’m of a mind that finding out the specifics of a woman’s needs should happen before the fact; otherwise, we get left to our own devices and, ladies, that might not be a good thing ’cause chances are good we’re not going to get it right the first time:  We have failed… and all because we didn’t know something when we needed to know it.

LOAGL says that for her, it’s a turn-off if a guy has to ask during sex; she feels – and sometimes I think most women feel this way – that teaching in the moment is just never to be done.  I know there are men arrogant enough to think that a woman shouldn’t tell him shit about fucking… and that’s just stupid.

So if he doesn’t ask before the fact and you don’t bother to tell him (or are just embarrassed to open your mouth about  it), what do you think is gonna happen more often than not? We’re gonna fail and do it in a very miserable fashion and will be further deemed unfuckable… and all because of a failure to communicate.

I am here today to tell you that there’s no shame in giving instruction before or even during the fact.  Now, I ain’t gonna say that the moment of initial experimentation can’t be fun because, indeed, finding out what you don’t know can be fun… sometimes.  More often than not, we wind up being labeled a lousy fuck because of something a lot of us learn the very hard way.  Making love to a woman isn’t just an intellectual pursuit; we also  learn by doing and we do, in fact, try to take all of our sexual experiences forward with us and, hopefully, are able to use what we’ve learned.  All it takes is to have a woman rip you a new one for being too aggressive with her for us to learn that this ain’t the way to do it.

Then you get the whole romantic idea behind making love, that it should be gentle and tender… and that might get your asshole expanded to a size 14, too.  I have heard some women say that they like to be made love to and that, sometimes, they just wanna be fucked… and how in the hell are we supposed to know that?  Women feel that we should know this, though, and we lose major cool points because we don’t know it.

I’ve said that any time you leave someone to their own devices when it comes to sex, your outcome might not be as good as you hoped it would be – and all because at some point, we’ve all been burned to a crisp in past  experiences because what we think is needed and what’s really needed ain’t even in the same part of the country.  I’m not saying that there aren’t guys who can get it right that first time and without prior knowledge… I am saying not all of us got it like that.

What I know, in theory, is that making love, fucking, screwing, or whatever you wanna call it, still takes the participation of both people so if a guy’s doing the nasty to you and he’s not doing stuff the way you want and need it to be done, um, why wouldn’t you tell him what you want done and then see if he can do it?  I say there’s no shame in this and while some guys can’t stand a woman speaking out like this, some of us really don’t mind because if you don’t tell us, we won’t know.

I learned a long time ago that sex really ain’t about what, say, I want to do – it’s really about what she wants done… whatever the hell that is at any given moment.  A lot of us guys do hit the books – literally – to learn all we can learn about trying to fuck her brains out… but none of that information is going to do us any good if we don’t have any idea what’s gonna work and what won’t, will it?

So we see that men and women have fallen into a weird sort of default behavior in this and it’s one that’s often based on ignorance more than anything else; women expect us to be able to rock their worlds and regardless to what little peculiarities that goes along with this and, really, how the hell are we supposed to know when women, for the most part, don’t know themselves from one moment to the next?

Believe me, I’m not knocking any women (so put away your knives and straight razors, please); I mean, I understand how women can be in this because women have told me as such.  My good friend Cinnamon once said, during a similar rant, that the worst mistake a man can make with her is to overthink the sex… but isn’t that what we wind up doing because even when we think we know, uh, we might not.  See, if you just let us go with the emotion lust brings to the table, well, that can be good and very bad (most of the time it’s very bad) so to keep from being further humiliated in this – and, yes, being told you can’t fuck is horribly humiliating – we have to think and, yup, some of us can’t think and fuck at the same time; it’s yet something else that we have to learn how to do and most of us fail at this, too.

Some of us have a peculiar default behavior:  Whatever you wanna do, baby.  We also learn the hard way that some women don’t like not having a say in what’s gonna happen to them so, again, it’s not as much about what you want to do to her than it is what she wants done.  It’s like foreplay; some women just cannot have sex without it while others don’t want to be bothered with it and, oh, yeah, you can see this same behavior in the same woman!  It’s no wonder a lot of men have this “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” thing going on inside them because it’s not what we know that makes us fail:  It’s what we don’t know.

Now, we do have choices here, believe it or not:  We can ask her… and that might even work.  If I had a dollar for everytime I’ve ever asked a woman that (even if I wasn’t going to have sex with her) and she’s said that she doesn’t know or that ‘anything’ will work and that she’s easy to please, I wouldn’t have had to work for 21 years for a paycheck.

Do you ladies think this is a problem for us?  If you don’t, as a soon to be former member of the Man Club, I’m here to tell you that it is a problem and often a bigger one than you can imagine.  We often fail at sex with you not just because it’s a state secret you feel is unnecessary to share with us (or we’re dumb enough not to ask) but you might want something that we either don’t know how to do or just can’t do; it’s either beyond our ken or we’re just physically or even ethically unable to do; yeah, our own limits and whatever inhibitions (or fears, really) we have make us our own worst enemy.

So not only do we have to figure out what the deal is with you, we have our own demons romping through our heads as well.  Like, a lot of us fail because we can’t or don’t last as long as some other dude, which is quite a blow to one’s ego unless you’re able to understand – and make her understand – that you’re not that guy – you are who you are.  Do you think that matters?  Women say they understand it… and some of them are clearly unhappy that you’re not that guy despite your best efforts.

And you wonder why we fail or why we suck at this.  Betty wrote a blog about dudes who give her coochie the ice cream lick and that’s all they do and how much that drives her unpleasantly insane.  I get it but even the best of us have gotten bitch-slapped for being too aggressive – or not aggressive enough – when doing this seemingly ‘easy’ thing to do.

Sure, we’re just as clueless because some of us think that every woman should automatically know what to do to and with our naked bodies when presented to them… and that’s not always the truth; girlfriend might know how to suck dick… but she doesn’t know how to suck yours, does she because she knows like we do:  What worked on the last guy might not work on this guy. Plus, it’s no secret that some women have demons around this so they’re very reluctant to give their best effort – and you can thank some other guy for this, by the way.

What can be done about this?  Well, it’s communication and if you have the time to communicate this special and unique information, either tell him up-front what’ll flip your switch or hope that homie’s smart enough to ask – and you should tell him… and if you really don’t know, don’t you think you need to figure that out before another guy gets set up to fail?  Do you even know that men have killed themselves because of this?  Might not be a big deal to you but that gives you an idea of how really sensitive we can be about this… because we don’t like to fail.

Some of us take these failures in stride because while it sounds good, we learn that we can’t satisfy every woman (or the same woman) every time; what matters is whether or not homegirl will hold those failures against you.  Go read girlfriend’s blog: http://lifeofalovergirl.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/the-jamaican/ and you can see the failures that took place and if you read the previous blogs leading up to this one, well, you would hope that the encounter would be a good one for her – but it wasn’t so read it and then come back and tell me why you think he failed to please her.

What could or should they have done differently to promote a better outcome?  Do you agree with her assessment that she shouldn’t have to tell a man what to do with his dick?  Or should he have been smarter in his approach to fucking her?

 
11 Comments

Posted by on 7 May 2013 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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11 responses to “Why We Fail

  1. Pyx

    7 May 2013 at 17:00

    If they take your man card away… I will make you a new one.

    Great entry.

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    • kdaddy23

      7 May 2013 at 17:38

      I know some of us really do suck, Pyx; we don’t all share the same mindset about sex, that is, there’s what men think sex should be and that’s how some go about it (and to hell with her needs) or we pay attention to what she needs but if we don’t know that, we fail… miserably and horribly. What some women may not know (or care about knowing) is why we fail – and it’s not all our fault.

      So when we are indifferent about her pleasure, you wanna guess why we are? Simply, if she doesn’t care, why should we? Ah, but we know that she does, don’t we – and therein lies the problem for us. I get that some women want us to figure it out and, hell, we might even get it right if we’re lucky and/or good and it can be fun… but ask those same women how many times we’ve failed to figure it out and then ask them why we failed – the answer might not surprise you because that failure falls right on us… like we were the only people in that bed.

      So I appreciate you making me a new card if my current card gets yanked!

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  2. lifeofalovergirl

    7 May 2013 at 20:37

    Well, I do think it would have been better to ask what I like BEFORE sex happened. Of course I had written on my profile that I prefer men who are more dominant in bed so he should at least have known that much if he paid attention. I realize that some women complain about guys talking about sex too soon, but I am definitely not one of those and it was pretty obvious it was gonna be on the table from the get go.

    Being put on the spot, DURING sex, and expected to explain what I want is really off- putting. What I want is a man to take control, to be good at oral and go until I cum, to fuck me in all kinds of positions and know how to hit the right places with his cock. I want him to be passionate. I want him to know what he is doing without me having to boss him around.

    A man ASKING me “what do you want me to do” looks inept and that just isn’t going to get me going. It kills the moment and the fantasies. I need to get lost in that to be able to orgasm.

    I am probably a difficult person to make cum so I don’t want men to feel bad if they can’t either, but I do want them to try. I just don’t know what to say when someone says “what do you want me to do”. Well, I want you to fuck me, duh, lol.

    Now all that said I DO offer “that feels so good” when he is doing something I like and the obvious sound effects. So a man who is paying attention to me and the reactions of my body should be able to figure out what I like fairly easily through trial and error. I don’t want to criticize a man during sex but it should be fairly obvious I’m not into something if I am too quiet or saying it hurts or something. I think sometimes men do get that confused. You are feeling really good and he mistakes your noises for pain (and stops!), like the guy seemed to last night. When he asked if he was going too deep I let him know that for the most part no, there were just a couple times when it hit at an angle that hurt. If it actually hurts, believe me I’ll let you know.

    As hard as I think it is to make me cum and as few men have been able to do it, the ones who can say I am “easy”, lol. The married man didn’t believe me when I told him I’d never had multiple orgasms like that before him, ha! The Professor claims not to know why I cum so much with him and that some women react differently to the same things. They are both people who try a lot of different stuff though and pay attention to what works and keep doing it. It’s not like I don’t give feedback when I’m liking something.

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    • kdaddy23

      7 May 2013 at 23:26

      Any man with a half-ounce of sense would have asked before meeting you; he didn’t, picked the wrong moment to ask, and committed another sin – asking if you came. See, there’s a common thread here; it’s what we, as men, fail to do or do correctly… then there are the women who seem to feel that being mysterious and closed-off about, oh, say, telling a guy what she wants him to do, is the way to behave. And I’m the guy with the gumption to say something about it while thanking you for being a good sport about it since I did mention you.

      When I hear about women talking about how badly the sex went, I’ve not once, in all these years, heard one talk about what she did or didn’t do to help screw things up – stuff like this is always our fault… and because we’re not mind-readers. We set ourselves up to fail when we don’t ask the right questions at the right time; if she won’t answer, well, it can’t be said that we didn’t ask and now you’re gonna get subjected to whatever idea of sex we think is appropriate… which might not be even close to your idea, you know, the one we either didn’t ask you about or you (generally) saw no reason to reveal.

      Just reading what you wrote on your blog had me both smiling and shaking my head to read your description of events – and thank you for sharing that – and to read how he didn’t get the job done. He failed; he was a disappointment and someone who’ll never get another chance with you (you know what they say about first impressions, right?). So, in this one, he didn’t ask, you didn’t tell him (ask me sometime why I think a woman should), he didn’t do what you expected him to do (like he knew what that was – not all of us are good at reading women) – did I mention he failed? – and I’ll say, typically, he gets to shoulder all of the blame for lackluster sex.

      I’d ask you – or any woman reading this or even any guy reading this – if you think this is fair and the way it’s supposed to be?

      I’m not busting your butt, my friend, so please don’t think that.

      Like

       
  3. usefulsexadvice

    8 May 2013 at 07:23

    I’d say it’s a matter of context, personally.
    If you’ve been dating a girl for 3/4 nights and you’ve only kissed and you’re thinking about taking her to meet your parents then I think you can go for the slow buildup sexually – there’s no need to rush anything, and you can stop and ask her what she’s about – if you’re having that sort of relationship she’s unlikely to dump you just for being ‘sensitive.’
    On the other hand if you meet some girl in the club and she’s clearly up for some no strings sex, she’s probably pretty experienced anyway. Get your dominant on and just go for it. She’ll tell you if there’s something she’s not liking!
    But no, it’s not fair. But if it was it wouldn’t be any fun.

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      8 May 2013 at 10:55

      Welcome, Useful, and thanks for your comments. I agree; it’s not only a matter of context but one of time and if you have the time to find out, you need to find out; otherwise, bring your biggest bag of dirty tricks to the one-night stand when you only have minutes to find out if she wants to go to bed with you – and then sort it out in the morning.

      Like

       
  4. redwinenroses

    19 May 2013 at 11:47

    Sometimes, it not that we don’t tell you; it’s more a case of not paying attention to what we tell you or getting all butt hurt when/if we do….

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      19 May 2013 at 14:41

      Well, yeah, Red, some of us are denser than lead and are, as such, totally clueless just like there are those of us who can’t follow instructions or are deemed truly untrainable… but that’s not all of us. It doesn’t, however, change the fact that some women just will not or cannot tell us if/when they have the time to convey this important information; they just assume that we will know how to flip that switch and when we don’t, um… Now, as I said, for some of us, when we walk into that unknown situation, our default setting is to do everything you know how to do and then ‘wait’ for something to happen that she doesn’t like. Then it’s about being able to adapt on the fly because you’re actually paying attention to her and what’s working and what isn’t because, duh, sometimes, they won’t even tell you that. Okay, I get it that in the middle fucking, that’s not really a good time to take a class in “How to Fuck This Particular Woman 101” – but if a woman spends a lot of time complaining about guys not satisfying them or not doing the right things, isn’t some level of communication called for? I’m not talking about the guy who is dumber than dirt or the guy who’s so full of himself that he thinks he always does it right every time.

      If, say, you and I were talking about getting busy with each other and we were talking about it for three days, you can bet your ass that I will have asked you about the particulars if you didn’t volunteer them way before we actually got around to doing it. I know it can be fun finding this stuff out on the fly… but I also know it is a great way to get totally frustrated and disillusioned, too, and I’m pointing to just one reason – one consistent and persistent reason – why this happens.

      Some men don’t ask, some women won’t tell. See, most guys know that when they meet a woman and they even mention the word sex, we’ve gotten our heads handed to us as in, “Is that all the fuck you think about or want from me?” when both people know that this is exactly the deal. We know that a lot of women can talk about sex… but not when it is about them specifically (some of us even understand why they can’t but that’s another blog for another time)… and some of them have been so reliant on a man’s ability to sate them that they do not know what it actually takes so, yup, she can’t tell you about something she doesn’t know about.

      Are you feeling me, Red? This ain’t about trying to convey that information and failing – this is about that assumption and an absolute failure to communicate when there’s sufficient time to do so.

      Like

       
  5. redwinenroses

    20 May 2013 at 23:55

    Yep, I am feeling you. I get exactly what you are saying. My point was that maybe the woman has told men what she wants and needs and then had HER head handed to her so that she is afraid to tell another man what she wants & needs. Works both ways.

    Personally, I would tell what I wanted and needed, even if I had in the past been handed my head. But a lot of people wouldn’t. For some, it’s just easier to go through the motions, not risk being handed their heads, and take care of their self later…That all comes down to feelings, getting feelings hurt, etc…

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      21 May 2013 at 00:22

      Yep, you’re right; women can be made to not want to communicate; some dudes are just dumb like that, assuming that there’s nothing a woman can tell him about knocking her boots.

      Like

       
  6. redwinenroses

    21 May 2013 at 01:52

    I had that happen to me by one person. Just ONE in my entire lifetime. But, I still said what worked and what didn’t because I was not going to willingly NOT have things work for me and him getting all butt hurt and getting his drawers in a wad was his issue not mine. With some people it doesn’t matter what you say or how you say it, they get all bent out of shape either way,

    However, I am maybe not like a lot of people. I generally say what I think and let the person deal with it. I think though, from what I have seen from other people, that most worry way too much what the other person will think, or worry they will get yelled at or made to feel guilty, etc and once it happens one time they wont speak up again.

    Like

     

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