I’m probably going to be asked to turn in my Man Card for this, but a recent posting by Lifeofalovergirl has prompted me to write a little something about the things that make us suck at sex. Admittedly but sadly a lot of us just don’t want to be bothered with the finer nuances of having sex – read this as we don’t want to be bothered trying to figure out what women want in this and more so since we learn early on that some women don’t know, can’t tell us what they want, or won’t tell us; they’re working from the premise that we’re supposed to know… like we’re mind-readers.
Some of us fail because we don’t care about that and we do think that even if girlfriend isn’t satisfied, tough shit – like it or not, I still got the pussy so the purpose has been served. Such thinking makes us all look like total assholes.
My ‘beef’ with LOALG is based on what is to me a simple premise: If you don’t tell a guy what’ll flip your switch, how is he supposed to know? Some of you have seen me write something that makes sense (if only to me): I know how to make love… what I don’t know is how to make love to YOU. I say this because I know all too well what might work on one woman ain’t gonna work on another… which is why some of us actually go through the learning phase to absorb as much knowledge as we can about doing this to her – and then hope we can do something she finds satisfying… while keeping in mind that what worked on her last night might not work tonight.
Of course, I’m of a mind that finding out the specifics of a woman’s needs should happen before the fact; otherwise, we get left to our own devices and, ladies, that might not be a good thing ’cause chances are good we’re not going to get it right the first time: We have failed… and all because we didn’t know something when we needed to know it.
LOAGL says that for her, it’s a turn-off if a guy has to ask during sex; she feels – and sometimes I think most women feel this way – that teaching in the moment is just never to be done. I know there are men arrogant enough to think that a woman shouldn’t tell him shit about fucking… and that’s just stupid.
So if he doesn’t ask before the fact and you don’t bother to tell him (or are just embarrassed to open your mouth about it), what do you think is gonna happen more often than not? We’re gonna fail and do it in a very miserable fashion and will be further deemed unfuckable… and all because of a failure to communicate.
I am here today to tell you that there’s no shame in giving instruction before or even during the fact. Now, I ain’t gonna say that the moment of initial experimentation can’t be fun because, indeed, finding out what you don’t know can be fun… sometimes. More often than not, we wind up being labeled a lousy fuck because of something a lot of us learn the very hard way. Making love to a woman isn’t just an intellectual pursuit; we also learn by doing and we do, in fact, try to take all of our sexual experiences forward with us and, hopefully, are able to use what we’ve learned. All it takes is to have a woman rip you a new one for being too aggressive with her for us to learn that this ain’t the way to do it.
Then you get the whole romantic idea behind making love, that it should be gentle and tender… and that might get your asshole expanded to a size 14, too. I have heard some women say that they like to be made love to and that, sometimes, they just wanna be fucked… and how in the hell are we supposed to know that? Women feel that we should know this, though, and we lose major cool points because we don’t know it.
I’ve said that any time you leave someone to their own devices when it comes to sex, your outcome might not be as good as you hoped it would be – and all because at some point, we’ve all been burned to a crisp in past experiences because what we think is needed and what’s really needed ain’t even in the same part of the country. I’m not saying that there aren’t guys who can get it right that first time and without prior knowledge… I am saying not all of us got it like that.
What I know, in theory, is that making love, fucking, screwing, or whatever you wanna call it, still takes the participation of both people so if a guy’s doing the nasty to you and he’s not doing stuff the way you want and need it to be done, um, why wouldn’t you tell him what you want done and then see if he can do it? I say there’s no shame in this and while some guys can’t stand a woman speaking out like this, some of us really don’t mind because if you don’t tell us, we won’t know.
I learned a long time ago that sex really ain’t about what, say, I want to do – it’s really about what she wants done… whatever the hell that is at any given moment. A lot of us guys do hit the books – literally – to learn all we can learn about trying to fuck her brains out… but none of that information is going to do us any good if we don’t have any idea what’s gonna work and what won’t, will it?
So we see that men and women have fallen into a weird sort of default behavior in this and it’s one that’s often based on ignorance more than anything else; women expect us to be able to rock their worlds and regardless to what little peculiarities that goes along with this and, really, how the hell are we supposed to know when women, for the most part, don’t know themselves from one moment to the next?
Believe me, I’m not knocking any women (so put away your knives and straight razors, please); I mean, I understand how women can be in this because women have told me as such. My good friend Cinnamon once said, during a similar rant, that the worst mistake a man can make with her is to overthink the sex… but isn’t that what we wind up doing because even when we think we know, uh, we might not. See, if you just let us go with the emotion lust brings to the table, well, that can be good and very bad (most of the time it’s very bad) so to keep from being further humiliated in this – and, yes, being told you can’t fuck is horribly humiliating – we have to think and, yup, some of us can’t think and fuck at the same time; it’s yet something else that we have to learn how to do and most of us fail at this, too.
Some of us have a peculiar default behavior: Whatever you wanna do, baby. We also learn the hard way that some women don’t like not having a say in what’s gonna happen to them so, again, it’s not as much about what you want to do to her than it is what she wants done. It’s like foreplay; some women just cannot have sex without it while others don’t want to be bothered with it and, oh, yeah, you can see this same behavior in the same woman! It’s no wonder a lot of men have this “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” thing going on inside them because it’s not what we know that makes us fail: It’s what we don’t know.
Now, we do have choices here, believe it or not: We can ask her… and that might even work. If I had a dollar for everytime I’ve ever asked a woman that (even if I wasn’t going to have sex with her) and she’s said that she doesn’t know or that ‘anything’ will work and that she’s easy to please, I wouldn’t have had to work for 21 years for a paycheck.
Do you ladies think this is a problem for us? If you don’t, as a soon to be former member of the Man Club, I’m here to tell you that it is a problem and often a bigger one than you can imagine. We often fail at sex with you not just because it’s a state secret you feel is unnecessary to share with us (or we’re dumb enough not to ask) but you might want something that we either don’t know how to do or just can’t do; it’s either beyond our ken or we’re just physically or even ethically unable to do; yeah, our own limits and whatever inhibitions (or fears, really) we have make us our own worst enemy.
So not only do we have to figure out what the deal is with you, we have our own demons romping through our heads as well. Like, a lot of us fail because we can’t or don’t last as long as some other dude, which is quite a blow to one’s ego unless you’re able to understand – and make her understand – that you’re not that guy – you are who you are. Do you think that matters? Women say they understand it… and some of them are clearly unhappy that you’re not that guy despite your best efforts.
And you wonder why we fail or why we suck at this. Betty wrote a blog about dudes who give her coochie the ice cream lick and that’s all they do and how much that drives her unpleasantly insane. I get it but even the best of us have gotten bitch-slapped for being too aggressive – or not aggressive enough – when doing this seemingly ‘easy’ thing to do.
Sure, we’re just as clueless because some of us think that every woman should automatically know what to do to and with our naked bodies when presented to them… and that’s not always the truth; girlfriend might know how to suck dick… but she doesn’t know how to suck yours, does she because she knows like we do: What worked on the last guy might not work on this guy. Plus, it’s no secret that some women have demons around this so they’re very reluctant to give their best effort – and you can thank some other guy for this, by the way.
What can be done about this? Well, it’s communication and if you have the time to communicate this special and unique information, either tell him up-front what’ll flip your switch or hope that homie’s smart enough to ask – and you should tell him… and if you really don’t know, don’t you think you need to figure that out before another guy gets set up to fail? Do you even know that men have killed themselves because of this? Might not be a big deal to you but that gives you an idea of how really sensitive we can be about this… because we don’t like to fail.
Some of us take these failures in stride because while it sounds good, we learn that we can’t satisfy every woman (or the same woman) every time; what matters is whether or not homegirl will hold those failures against you. Go read girlfriend’s blog: http://lifeofalovergirl.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/the-jamaican/ and you can see the failures that took place and if you read the previous blogs leading up to this one, well, you would hope that the encounter would be a good one for her – but it wasn’t so read it and then come back and tell me why you think he failed to please her.
What could or should they have done differently to promote a better outcome? Do you agree with her assessment that she shouldn’t have to tell a man what to do with his dick? Or should he have been smarter in his approach to fucking her?