While working on my acceptance blog for my Sensual Blogger award, I was thinking about what the word meant to me and I could easily think of it in terms of being intimate with women – that wasn’t difficult to think about. However, I got to thinking/wondering if I had ever, really and truly, had what I’d call a sensual moment with a guy.
What I realized was that with one exception, um, no, not really. It’s not that I couldn’t be sensual with another man – been there, done that (the exception I just mentioned) but my ‘quest’ to figure this one out lead me to see that in the majority of my dealings with men, sensuality wasn’t exactly on the menu… well, not in the romantic sense although, per the definition of the word sensual, um, sure, my senses were being gratified big time and the synonym carnal wouldn’t be too far off base, either.
As I sat and thought about how to write a single, sensuous paragraph, my mind shunted a few resources to create a new memory space so I could ponder this, one, because I had to answer the question for myself and, two, I was hoping my thinking about this would help me write that paragraph… which it didn’t, by the way, but the thought remained in my head after I was finally able to click “Publish.”
We use all of our senses in sex just like we do with food and it’s not that big of a secret that we eat with our eyes as far as these two things are concerned. So off in that separate work area in my head, I was thinking about moments with dudes that could be truly described as being sensual or, if possible, a deeper meaning of the word… and I came up with quite a few blanks. A guy’s looks don’t necessarily wow me, dressed or otherwise so if he has a pot belly or is ripped like a washboard, I could care less. It had me wondering, though, just where sensuality really begins – well, at least where it begins with me – and I began to see that the gratification of my senses really began with my sense of anticipation and more so in the moment where the clothes come off and I get my first look at what my real interest in him is: His dick.
I saw that in the things racing through my mind, my other senses started to kick in: Sight, of course and in no particular order, smell, touch, taste and hearing – then I saw how all those things combined to make the beast inside me deliriously happy… most of the time, anyway. At one point in my thinking, I realized – and probably not for the first time – that once one’s senses kick in, there’s a certain mindless purpose taking place once all the senses are immersed in the act, in this case, trying to make the other guy cum even as he’s trying to do the same thing to me.
There’s the heat of his body, his core temperature being raised with his excitement; there’s that musky scent, the curious soft-yet-hard feel of his prick and the taste of his flesh; drop in the sounds of heavy breathing, moaning, cursing, calling Jesus and other deities, and the obscene sucking sounds and, okay, that’s really being sensual-immersed in the moment.
I asked myself – and, again, probably rhetorically, if those moments of my life were sensual before, during, or after the fact and if you’re saying, “Duh…,” think about it for a moment. You have that feeling – that sense – of anticipation before the fact and then, as I’ve outlined, that sensual immersion during the fact… but is the whole thing only ‘really’ sensual after you get to think about things after the fact… and does one’s after action report color this decision one way or the other, i.e., it wasn’t sensual if you didn’t really enjoy what happen.
I saw that it was more about whether or not I had a good time and that this whole question popped into my head in the first place because literal sensuality was being taken for granted or maybe even ignored in an odd kind of way… or that I really did experience it but was so immersed in what I was doing and/or what was being done that all that sensory input was getting lost or, what I think is the truth in this, it’s so seamless, so much of a part of letting your sense loose that you’re not really thinking about that moment being sensual.
I know I’ve had moments with guys where my after the fact thoughts were anything but sensual in nature… unless you wanna count being pissed off, disappointed, frustrated or a few other negative emotions I can’t think of at this moment; having said this, do we only say that something is sensual when it agrees with us?
All these thoughts piled up in my head and to the point where I finally decided to write about what I’d been thinking about. You are, of course, invited to chime in on what you think about sensuality and what, if anything, it means to you outside of the definition…