Playing the Part

22 May

I had read what Haven of Thought was saying about his bed on his blog ( and if you check it out, you’ll see my comments as well as his but it’s what he said about bisexuals in a relationship leaning toward a particular role that got my attention.

Now, in past ‘discussions’ about this, even I have said that when guys hook up with guys – and especially if they’re gonna have sex – they get into this ‘top, bottom, and versatile’ thing and, if you’re not familiar with the terms, tops are the male role, bottoms the female role, and being versatile means you don’t have any qualms about playing the other two roles.

But his statement got me wondering about something that I’ve never really paid attention to, that being if two bi guys start having a relationship, does TBV still come into play?  To me – and I know it’s just my opinion – if two guys are literally sleeping with each other and there’s some spooning going on, well, TBV shouldn’t matter when it comes to who is spooning whom… unless it’s a question of who initiates the spoon.  I’ve literally slept with other guys, have spooned and have been spooned and, at least in my mind, it’s not about TBV – it’s about being intimate in that moment and, probably of greater importance, being comfortable.

One of the breakout things about male bisexuality here of late is the realization that you can be a man, have whatever sex you wanna have with another man, and there’s zero impact on one’s masculinity and TBV, which is known to affect a man’s thinking about this – read this as most guys don’t wanna be somebody’s bitch – isn’t as much of an issue as it was in the recent past.

One would think that if a bi guy did get into a relationship with a gay man, this might be different and TBV could be in play; I don’t mean to stereotype but, historically with gay men, there are masculine gays and feminine gays… but I’m not really sure if this is entirely ‘true’ these days; the stereotype exists because there is some truth to it but it’s not a ‘one size fits all’ kinda thing.  And, honestly, if a bi guy is going to have a relationship with another man, chances are good that it’ll be with a gay man although two bi guys having a relationship is not unheard of… but it does beg the question of whether or not the whole masculine/feminine thing has to be in play at all times.

I’ve read, over the years, a few things written by professionals in the field of sexuality that says that even though guys are guys, slipping into the male/female role just kinda happens or, as I once read, “Someone has to be the man, someone has to be the woman when it comes to this…”  I recall reading this and saying to myself, “Really?  Hmm, I don’t know about that…” but, upon further review – and leaning in the direction of sex, well, yeah, duh, if some poking is involved, then the man/woman/giver/receiver thing does happen… but I’ve felt that even if you’re on the receiving end of a nice stiff one, that doesn’t necessarily mean that because you are, you’re being feminine – unless, of course, that’s one’s personality in this because, as I’ve mentioned in the past, I know guys who are what I call “true bottoms” who run and hide at the thought of being sucked or having to fuck another guy.

So I asked Haven what I thought was a good question:  What if both guys consider themselves the man in this deal – who gets to be the ‘big spoon’ (as he put it)?  Going forward, does it really matter?  I could, at this time, launch into a boring dialog about dominant and submissive roles when it comes to this and, frankly, while I understand it, eh, it’s never really made a whole lot of difference because when two guys get together, they’re just gonna do whatever it is they want to do and in whatever way they want to.  Sex, in and of itself, is about giving and receiving; someone has to do something and someone is going to be on the other end of it – duh.

But a lot of sex between men has been built on the male/female model, hasn’t it?  Emotional things have also been factored into this as well and, I think, much more than a guy’s particular desires in this which probably gave birth to the stereotype that when men have sex with men, there’s always some fucking going on and both ways, something we know that isn’t entirely the truth, is it?

So as we uncover a lot of truths in this, what, if anything, does playing a part have to do with anything?  It assumes that thing I just mentioned that someone has to be the man, someone the female and, well, unless we’re talking about guys who are disposed to being more feminine than masculine, does this particular shoe still fit in a time where guys are willing to have sex with other men – or even sleep in the same bed with them – and with the sure knowledge that doing so doesn’t make them any less masculine?

I mean, really, if my baby rolls over and starts spooning me, uh, did we somehow switch ‘roles’ in this?  Her spooning me doesn’t make me any less of a man any more than it makes her ‘male’ in this, right?  It’s just spooning; it’s comforting and all that.  So if two guys are sleeping in the same bed and spooning, being ‘the man’ or ‘the woman’ in this intimate action should also have no bearing on things.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m not knocking what Haven had to say about this in any way; how he deals with this is entirely up to him.

But from where I’m sitting, that masculine/feminine line is blurred or even being erased in the here and now and it’s really about guys doing whatever it is they want to do with another man because that connotation kinda/sorta just doesn’t make any sense or not as much sense at it was originally thought to make.  When you look at gay marriages, the question always comes up as to who’s the husband and who’s the wife and, again, while I do understand it, does it really make a difference… or are we, as sexual beings, ‘condemned’ to play one part or the other?

Man, that whole gender identity thing can give you a headache to think about people doing things that are considered to be immoral – but doing them according to traditional roles like husband and wife because it’s assumed and believed that if you’re the wife, well, you must be feminine and, yep, that’s your role to play.

I’m just no longer sure if this is true or should even be part of this rather complex equation when it comes to love, sex, and relationships…


Posted by on 22 May 2013 in Life, Living and Loving


Tags: ,

9 responses to “Playing the Part

  1. Pyx

    22 May 2013 at 14:18

    I have a headache but I think it is from lack of coffee – with that said however you are on to something I have said to other people before ‘why does anything we do need to be male or female’ as in… i am a woman and stop comparing my ‘qualities’ or things I do as male.

    I figure if two guys are getting it on, they are two guys, I havent put much thought into who is the ‘female’ because as you said, it is really about receiving/giving and that is just logistics. I mean when I am on top that doesnt make me male does it? I never thought it had but if you want to say ‘it is a power position’ than fine, but I would not equate power with male either.

    I will need more coffee and read his entry, your entries always get the mind working.


    • kdaddy23

      22 May 2013 at 14:33

      Please, hurry up and get more coffee! I’ve always pitched a bitch about that because if I’m sucking cock, duh, obviously it’s not something that only women do… and I am obviously a man and, as far as I’m concerned, still behaving like one in this – how could I behave otherwise if I perceive myself – and I’m viewed by others – as being male and masculine and all that? If I let a guy stick it in me, well, it is both logistics and what I want him to do – has nothing to do with playing a female role in any way even though I do understand that it is perceived to be so according to early views on sex and sexuality; if you’re having sex with a guy, something women own hands down, well, you must be feminine in some way.

      And that’s bullshit… and some ignorant bullshit at that. Who’s on top doesn’t mean squat even though, as you say (and they do) that being on top is the dominant position but if you, as a woman, are on top, um, you sure are a funny looking guy and, yeah, power, in and of itself, has always been equated with men and even that dynamic has changed over the years, right?

      In any of it, it’s just sex and being male or female – literally or figuratively – really has no bearing on it… or it shouldn’t. It literally is two people, gender notwithstanding, getting together for the purpose of getting their rocks off and in whatever manner works for them because that’s what people do.

      Got more coffee yet?


  2. Seanonymous

    22 May 2013 at 15:34

    I completely agree! When I mentioned leaning towards the masculine side of things, I really just meant that I tend to follow the unfortunate stereotype of masculinity more than the people I’ve been with. For instance, I’m not feminine at all, and most people are surprised when they find out that I’m bisexual. I give off no vibe, and even feminine gay guys tend to be surprised when I reveal myself to them.

    I think as far as roles go, two bisexual men have more freedom to switch between who is the giver and who is the receiver, but I don’t associate either role with gender. It’s the beauty of being bisexual. I’m not any less of a man when I have a dick in my ass (or mouth). I recognize this fully, and it was a huge part of coming to terms with myself.

    If I’m with a gay man, similar to my most recent experiences, they tend to be more feminine from what I’ve experienced so far. I think this may have something to do with the fact that my impression is that the more masculine gay guys tend to be the men of men. The slender, more twink-like, gay guys tend to be a bit more effeminate. My type happens to be the type that has what I call the perfect amount of outward gayness. I find a relatively feminine voice on a guy to be very attractive, the way they move their hands when they speak, and the way they tend to show that they care. It’s all stereotypes, sure, but there’s credibility here because they happen to be my type.

    I think that if they are effeminate, they almost naturally take what some would consider to be the role of the woman in the relationship. I think that at the end of the day, the issue can’t have a solid universal truth. Different couples have different experiences. For me, being a versatile and bisexual man means to me that I care greatly about making my lover enjoy it all. I am incredibly open for ideas in the bedroom, especially if it’s going to make them enjoy it more.

    Nice post, and thanks for referencing my blog. 🙂


    • kdaddy23

      22 May 2013 at 17:25

      Seanonymous, welcome to my blog and thank you for commenting. I don’t know why people think that bi guys are ‘automatically’ feminine and I think it’s something that offends feminine gay males (man, does that sound like an oxymoron or what?) and that stereotype sucks and not in a good way. Bi or gay guys can, if they choose to, go back and forth between being the giver and receiver and you’re right; regardless of gender, there’s always a giver and a receiver. And then there’s another big mistake, that is, seeing effeminate men as being women. Uh, just because they act like a girl doesn’t mean they are a girl and I know quite a few guys who have been punched out for making that stupid assumption because underneath all that feigned femininity, there’s still a man there.

      Or so the theory goes; how any of this applies to transgendered folks just escapes me at the moment.

      I’ve seen ‘masculine gays’ who do kinda come off as being more manly than your average guy and I’ve heard a couple say that they might be gay, but they’re all man. I’m not saying that they aren’t but that just serves to prove that all gay men aren’t as effeminate as the stereotype says they are. Likewise with bi guys and that TBV thing a lot of them get into. Some bi guys would rather do all the pleasing and gain their pleasure from being able to do that and, in my opinion, that’s neither a male nor female thing to do. I’ve been asked if I’m a top, bottom, or versatile and, well, I’m like none of the above these days but I’d have to say that if I had to pick one – and I never would – I’d say I’m a versatile because, hah, ain’t no telling what I might want to do. This is a preference, by the way; some men would prefer never to top while some would prefer never to bottom – it’s all in how they wanna roll.

      I’m a man and I can’t behave in any other way than that – my brain, such as it is, doesn’t work that way while, emotionally, I’m quite male albeit one who had to suffer through that period of time when women were demanding that guys get in touch with their feminine side to be more open and all that stuff that makes them happy. So I can express my emotions… but I’m still a guy doing it.

      Thanks for providing the inspiration for this writing!


  3. lifeofalovergirl

    22 May 2013 at 15:57

    Hmmm…I can’t really speak for guys but if I am with a female I don’t really care so much who is the “top” or “bottom” in the equation. With men, yes, I like them to be dominant. I’ve only been with a couple of women and I suppose you could say one of them was slightly more dominant because she used a strap on on the both of us other girls, but otherwise? Nah. It’s more about giving and receiving mutual pleasure.


    • kdaddy23

      22 May 2013 at 17:08

      Hiya, LOALG! I gotta come up with a nickname for you… but you can see where this distinction came from; when you’re with a man, you want him to be dominate (and a lot of women do) but if you’re the one in charge, um, that doesn’t make you a guy, does it? Don’t get me wrong; the traditional ideas that gave birth to this whole thing are what they are… but to apply them to same-sex situations?


  4. G

    23 May 2013 at 12:33

    I need to come back and read so I can discuss with the hubby, but for now I’m stopping by to link to the award I gave you yesterday. You are very sensual, I can tell. 🙂


    • kdaddy23

      23 May 2013 at 12:37

      Oh, thank you for the award and thanks for patting me on the butt at the same time! Sure, come on back when you can!


      • G

        23 May 2013 at 12:48

        Smack~! a little more than a pat. 🙂



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