I had read what Haven of Thought was saying about his bed on his blog (http://havenofthought.wordpress.com/2013/05/22/my-bed/) and if you check it out, you’ll see my comments as well as his but it’s what he said about bisexuals in a relationship leaning toward a particular role that got my attention.
Now, in past ‘discussions’ about this, even I have said that when guys hook up with guys – and especially if they’re gonna have sex – they get into this ‘top, bottom, and versatile’ thing and, if you’re not familiar with the terms, tops are the male role, bottoms the female role, and being versatile means you don’t have any qualms about playing the other two roles.
But his statement got me wondering about something that I’ve never really paid attention to, that being if two bi guys start having a relationship, does TBV still come into play? To me – and I know it’s just my opinion – if two guys are literally sleeping with each other and there’s some spooning going on, well, TBV shouldn’t matter when it comes to who is spooning whom… unless it’s a question of who initiates the spoon. I’ve literally slept with other guys, have spooned and have been spooned and, at least in my mind, it’s not about TBV – it’s about being intimate in that moment and, probably of greater importance, being comfortable.
One of the breakout things about male bisexuality here of late is the realization that you can be a man, have whatever sex you wanna have with another man, and there’s zero impact on one’s masculinity and TBV, which is known to affect a man’s thinking about this – read this as most guys don’t wanna be somebody’s bitch – isn’t as much of an issue as it was in the recent past.
One would think that if a bi guy did get into a relationship with a gay man, this might be different and TBV could be in play; I don’t mean to stereotype but, historically with gay men, there are masculine gays and feminine gays… but I’m not really sure if this is entirely ‘true’ these days; the stereotype exists because there is some truth to it but it’s not a ‘one size fits all’ kinda thing. And, honestly, if a bi guy is going to have a relationship with another man, chances are good that it’ll be with a gay man although two bi guys having a relationship is not unheard of… but it does beg the question of whether or not the whole masculine/feminine thing has to be in play at all times.
I’ve read, over the years, a few things written by professionals in the field of sexuality that says that even though guys are guys, slipping into the male/female role just kinda happens or, as I once read, “Someone has to be the man, someone has to be the woman when it comes to this…” I recall reading this and saying to myself, “Really? Hmm, I don’t know about that…” but, upon further review – and leaning in the direction of sex, well, yeah, duh, if some poking is involved, then the man/woman/giver/receiver thing does happen… but I’ve felt that even if you’re on the receiving end of a nice stiff one, that doesn’t necessarily mean that because you are, you’re being feminine – unless, of course, that’s one’s personality in this because, as I’ve mentioned in the past, I know guys who are what I call “true bottoms” who run and hide at the thought of being sucked or having to fuck another guy.
So I asked Haven what I thought was a good question: What if both guys consider themselves the man in this deal – who gets to be the ‘big spoon’ (as he put it)? Going forward, does it really matter? I could, at this time, launch into a boring dialog about dominant and submissive roles when it comes to this and, frankly, while I understand it, eh, it’s never really made a whole lot of difference because when two guys get together, they’re just gonna do whatever it is they want to do and in whatever way they want to. Sex, in and of itself, is about giving and receiving; someone has to do something and someone is going to be on the other end of it – duh.
But a lot of sex between men has been built on the male/female model, hasn’t it? Emotional things have also been factored into this as well and, I think, much more than a guy’s particular desires in this which probably gave birth to the stereotype that when men have sex with men, there’s always some fucking going on and both ways, something we know that isn’t entirely the truth, is it?
So as we uncover a lot of truths in this, what, if anything, does playing a part have to do with anything? It assumes that thing I just mentioned that someone has to be the man, someone the female and, well, unless we’re talking about guys who are disposed to being more feminine than masculine, does this particular shoe still fit in a time where guys are willing to have sex with other men – or even sleep in the same bed with them – and with the sure knowledge that doing so doesn’t make them any less masculine?
I mean, really, if my baby rolls over and starts spooning me, uh, did we somehow switch ‘roles’ in this? Her spooning me doesn’t make me any less of a man any more than it makes her ‘male’ in this, right? It’s just spooning; it’s comforting and all that. So if two guys are sleeping in the same bed and spooning, being ‘the man’ or ‘the woman’ in this intimate action should also have no bearing on things. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not knocking what Haven had to say about this in any way; how he deals with this is entirely up to him.
But from where I’m sitting, that masculine/feminine line is blurred or even being erased in the here and now and it’s really about guys doing whatever it is they want to do with another man because that connotation kinda/sorta just doesn’t make any sense or not as much sense at it was originally thought to make. When you look at gay marriages, the question always comes up as to who’s the husband and who’s the wife and, again, while I do understand it, does it really make a difference… or are we, as sexual beings, ‘condemned’ to play one part or the other?
Man, that whole gender identity thing can give you a headache to think about people doing things that are considered to be immoral – but doing them according to traditional roles like husband and wife because it’s assumed and believed that if you’re the wife, well, you must be feminine and, yep, that’s your role to play.
I’m just no longer sure if this is true or should even be part of this rather complex equation when it comes to love, sex, and relationships…