Over the last couple of days or so, I was reading and commenting on the blog of a friend of mine (http://redwinenroses.wordpress.com/2013/06/04/he-aint-bisexual-no-way/) in which she was talking and asking about bisexual denial and just how insane this behavior can be. On her blog, you can read what she had to say along with my comments… but I have a few other things to say about this.
I understand that there are a lot of male bisexuals who need to remain hidden and the fewer people who know this about him, the better. A lot of guys won’t even tell their woman that they’ve had sex with a man, fearing her disapproval and/or rejection and, indeed, good relationships have gone down the tubes because of this.
However, if you’re in a relationship with someone who’s cool with bisexuality and letting them know that, yeah, you’ve sucked a few dicks in your day, isn’t a problem, sharing your, ah, adventures with them can be quite erotic and I think that a lot of bi guys in a relationship with a cool pro-bisexuality woman kinda miss the fact that if they suck dick, hmm, they have something else in common with her – it can lend itself to a lot of closeness.
But what Red is riffing about is a guy she knows for a fact has sucked dick and has been sucked by other men and on several occasions… yet he consistently denies that he’s bisexual and, better yet, categorically denies that he’s never done such things before in his life. To me, this is the ultimate form of denial and it’s a form that really just doesn’t make any sense. I mean, dude, you were seen with dick all down your throat and loving every minute of it so what’s the deal here? How can you say that she didn’t see what she saw when she was right there next to you watching you do it… and it wasn’t the first time she got to witness this other side of you?
Newbies, pay close attention to this so that you never, ever start behaving like this because nothing good will come of it. It’s no secret that some guys just have… issues with throwing down with another man and, apparently, there’s no length that a man will go to in order to, in his view, protect his masculinity even though he mistakenly believes that slobbing another guy’s knob makes him less of a man. You who have been reading my stuff on bisexuality knows that I have said that not only does it not make you less of a man, you need a pretty big set of balls to do it in the first place. We know that some guys have reason to believe that they’d be seen as being gay… which is patently ridiculous because, as far as I know, gayness isn’t contagious… and if you do your fair share of knocking some lady’s boots, well, that’s a sure sign that you’re not gay.
So why deny it? Better, why deny it to someone who knows that you do it? See, just like I told Red in my comments, I could understand if “Jeff” and “Carl” got together, maybe had a few cold grain grenades, got horny and decided to suck each other off – and no one saw or otherwise knew that it happened. So if “Gail” has any suspicions about this and asks Jeff if he did something with Carl, well, okay, he could deny it, not that lying to Gail about it is a good thing to do. And I know a lot of guys who get into the whole nine yards with another guy who will deny that any of it ever happened… even when everyone knows that it did. Sure, a lot of it is macho posturing because image is everything and must be maintained at all costs.
Those of you who have been following me knows that I’ve said that if you do it once and never do it again, no one will ever accuse you of being bisexual. I’ve even allowed that if you do it again because you’re trying to confirm/deny that you had fun doing it the first time, well, okay, you might be leaning toward the bi side but no one is gonna say that you’re bisexual. Ah, but if you throw down a third time or more – and, trust me, frequency has nothing to do with this – yeah, start quacking, Daffy. So we can chalk the first two situations up to experimentation but after that? Hmm…
But that’s okay; most guys will admit to themselves that, yeah, I did (add something here) with so-and-so and while I wouldn’t do it all the time, it wasn’t all that bad. Hell, you can even admit it to your woman provided you know for a fact she’s not gonna wig out and crack you upside the head with a heavy object! But if you and your lady are walking on the wild side, having group sex, and you are seen polishing that knob, okay, well, damn, you could justify your actions by invoking the often-used “heat of the moment” defense.
And that’s because, as I’ve said, these things do happen. Again, it happens once, um, well, one could postulate that perhaps you had some latent bisexual tendencies that the chaos of sex allowed to surface… but no one would go as far as to say you were bisexual – hey, shit happens. You could blame it on the alcohol… but it’s been said that if you ever want to see the real person, get them drunk… and ya might have to hold onto your hat for this one. This is, of course, because alcohol is a CNS depressant and can remove a person’s inhibitions. This, too, is a valid justification if you only did whatever you did once.
However, if you do it again even under these two conditions, well, ya might be bisexual. You could try to defend yourself with the “I don’t like men like that” defense… but we all know that these days, you ain’t gotta like the guy like you like women, don’t we? So, my brother, you’re flat-out busted on this one; might as well own up to your actions… because your words ain’t helping you if you’re denying any of it.
It just never fails to amaze me when guys deny this when witnesses to the event can attest to it. It can cause a lot more friction in a relationship when your lady says she thinks it’s cool that your bi… and you keep saying that you aren’t… and despite that she’s seen you do it several times as well as having heard you say that you actually enjoy doing it.
Quack, quack, motherfucker. No, you don’t have to take out an ad in your local newspaper and announce to one and all that you’re bisexual; hell, even I wouldn’t do that! But if ‘confessing’ to your lady is going to put an end to a lot of drama, well, why wouldn’t you do it?
Over the years, I’ve learned a lot about men who have sex with other men and simply because I made it my business to understand this thing, not just to know there are other bi guys out there but I actually use the things I’ve learned as a gauge for my own bisexuality and, admittedly, a lot of things I’ve learned fall under the heading of “how not to do this.”
Perhaps guys who indulge but deny that they do have guilt issues? Perhaps denying that they’re bisexual in the face of hard, cold, evidence is some knee-jerk reaction in order to protect their masculinity? I mean, sure, if you could lose your whole life by admitting this to someone, yeah, I can understand some plausible deniability happening… but if doing so is going to make your home life a lot less stressful, then why keep denying that the facts are what they are?
Ah, man, while I enjoy the psychology behind all of this, I admit that this situation just baffles the shit out of me and it’s just kinda insane that someone would continue to deny the obvious and more so when they’re not going to lose anything by doing so – in fact, they’d make their partner quite happy if they did.
It reminds me of the time I caught my youngest son gorging himself on vanilla wafers, looking like a chipmunk with cookies stuffed in his mouth… and he was trying to convince me that he didn’t swipe or eat the cookies… even though he still had one hand holding the close to empty box and the other hand was into the box up to his elbow. It was so patently ridiculous that I couldn’t punish him for the obvious lie because I couldn’t stop laughing at his attempts to convince me that he didn’t do what I watched him do.
But this situation is no laughing matter for some couples and I hope any newbies out there do not get into this bad habit if they’re in a relationship with a woman who proves that she’s cool with you being bi; all you’re gonna do is give her a reason to kick your ass to the curb.