Nate wrote this blog: http://muketsuhanagames.com/2013/07/08/us-versus-them/ and it’s about sex bloggers or, really, about writing about sex period and, as it tends to happen, his blog inspired me to write a lot of something about the angst some folks might have about reading about sex. I don’t know about anyone else, but I grew up hearing all the shit one shouldn’t do, the only conditions under which one should have sex and with who, and the overall mindset that even though we do these things, they are things that we should never talk about or discuss and without much of a reason other than, “That’s the way it is.”
At some point, I learned that keeping quiet about sex doesn’t make a lot of sense. It doesn’t make sense that one should be so embarrassed about something that people have been doing ever since there have been people any more than it makes sense that there’s really only “one way” to have sex… but you get to understand that pushing “go ye forth and be fruitful and multiply” is an important mandate for our species; to not do it means our extinction somewhere down the road.
We do, however, try to overlook the fact that we love to have sex and just because it feels so fucking good… most of the time, anyway. We either look the other way or have some pretty shitty things to say about sex that deviates from our biological imperative to reproduce like, oh, how much fun it is to suck a man’s cock dry and, oh, yeah, you’re not a woman doing the sucking. Or how being made to submit to things that would make the average person’s skin crawl is, in fact, as sexually pleasing as it is to make someone submit. Or having multiple lovers you can relate to and fuck to your heart’s content.
Or the pleasures to be found in non-monogamous sex, being bisexual, being gay or lesbian; we’re not supposed to talk about these things, let alone do them and anyone who does is frowned upon and, here in the blogosphere, that’s not at all different and that’s proven because our beloved WordPress does censor stuff they consider to be too far out there for general consumption… unless, of course, you’re willing to pay them a yearly fee for the right to do whatever the fuck you want to do with your blogging – money still talks, even in this.
Nate’s blog got me to thinking about whether or not people get offended by what I write and I can only assume that some are; maybe it embarrasses the shit out of them to read about a Black man who enjoys having sex on both sides of the fence; and maybe it’s just not what they were taught to believe in and so, in their minds, such dialogs should be ignored. I’ve found, over the last few years, that the thing that galls me as a person who reads other blogs isn’t people keeping it real and talking about the sex – it’s the people who choose to remain ignorant and locked into their own heads about the sex being written about. Sure, ya don’t have to like it… but accepting that it does exist makes more sense than acting like it doesn’t.
It’s the ultimate form of cultural denial. I’ve said to Nate on a few occasions that if people like us don’t write about such things, who will? Should I, as a bisexual man, keep up the stupid illusion that there’s no such thing as a bisexual man? That Black men can’t be bisexual? That there are both good and bad things about being bisexual? I’m an accomplished writer (even if no one else thinks so) and I could write about this in some very uninteresting ways; I could make it so clinical you’d think you were sitting in a classroom… but what, if anything, does that accomplish? It’s like reading the Kinsey Report; it’s interesting reading but totally devoid of personal insight, if you know what I mean. It’s not enough to know that men can be bisexual because the report says so and, really, which thing sticks in your mind more – the report or reading about a man’s actual experiences in this?
I often like to rant and rave that I’m not a teacher or an educator, which is really a lie because I have children so I had to be a teacher and all that. When I’m emptying out my head on these pages, yeah, I can admit that what I’m writing about can be educational, although I do try to stay away from directly writing “how-to” things… although I could. A lot of things I write about can be about how not to do something… but not really in that “Do as I say not as I do” kinda thing, if y’all are feeling me. I tell you what I’ve done, what I’ve liked, what I didn’t like, and what I think about the things I’ve done… and if someone learns something from it, okay, that kinda works because even if I don’t see myself as a teacher, we still need to be educated and, yeah, sometimes, you really do have to hit someone in the head with sex to get their attention. What… do you really believe you know all there is to know about sex? I know I don’t… but I want to learn just the same.
People always talk about keeping it real… and sex is one of those things that is a lot more real than people are willing to accept. We adopt that, “That’s cool as long as you don’t bother me” kinda of thinking; it’s crossing our arms and turning our backs on the realities of sex and it just fucking amazes me how much we don’t want to know about something we’d give an arm and a leg to be doing.
Do you know why a lot of people get fucked up where sex is concerned? It’s because no one bothered to tell them how they could get fucked up. Do you know why gay and bisexual men commit suicide over their chosen sexuality? It’s because no one bothered to tell them that it’s okay for them to feel the way they do. Do you know why there are so many sexually dissatisfied people out there? It’s because no one bothered to tell them that there are other ways for them to get their cookies crumbled.
It’s because we don’t talk about it; we shy away from the experiences of others, frown when, say, someone wants to know what being in a threesome is like or act like some homosexual sex can’t happen in said threesome and even how it should be avoided at all costs, sending both a positive and negative message all at the same time. It’s because a lot of people can only view sex through their own experiences and to whatever depth they go; that their way ain’t the only way gets lost on them because, really, it’s not about what can be done for pleasure – it’s about our own limited and perhaps even stunted views, like having that disdain for having a guy suck your dick when, in fact, you’ve never had the experience and then having that disdain because someone told you to have it, taught you to have it.
Our society is happy to wallow in its sexual ignorance… but there are those of us here on this site who just ain’t cool about that. We know what we know; we’ve experienced what we’ve experienced… and, as sure as shit is what it is, we’re not shy about putting this stuff out there for all to see… because if we don’t do it, who will? Some of it is really in your face while some is, uh, a bit more genteel about it so, from there, I’d guess that any acceptance depends on how you like being told about this and that. And while there’s probably some general, PC kind of way to spread the word, I just feel that it must be spread; I have no real objections to the way the folks here talk about sex – I find it quite educational, to be honest and if there’s anything to be said about talking about sex, it’s that we should be eager to learn about the many ways people get their rocks off, even if some of them are things we couldn’t find ourselves doing.
We have to choose not to be ignorant about that which is so dear to a lot of us. We have to be able to see and learn to appreciate how diverse we are about this, the things that thrill us to no end as well as the things that might make us want to turn our heads away, you know, like the car wreck we don’t want to see – but can’t stop looking at. It’s not going to ‘cure’ us of our naivety about sex and related things, but the real message is that there are those of us who can and will write about such things: We keep it real. No bullshitting, no heaping layers of sugar onto things to make them more palatable; no shame in anyone’s game.
We have this rather perverse ‘need’ to find out how other people do it; many people have asked themselves, “Is this all there is to it?” You read a lot of blogs here and you find out – and in no uncertain terms – that there is a lot more to this having sex thing. If it’s all about keeping it real, we can’t just look away; we can’t be ‘afraid’ to see the reality of sex through the words and thoughts of others. Some folks might be horrified by the way Lovergirl goes about getting hers… but it’s real and she keeps it real… and you get to see what real means to her, or Betty, or Nate, or Sunny, or many of the other bloggers who do, in fact, dare to write about the thing we’re not supposed to ever discuss publicly. Reading about PV and her slave had two effects on me; one was there’s no way I’d ever willingly be someone’s sex slave, not her idea of it, anyway… but to learn more about it? Precious… just plain precious because it satisfied my curiosity and, yeah, educated me as well even though that wasn’t her intention or reason for blogging it.
Not just because we can… but because we should. In this, ignorance is not bliss; our fears can make us quite foolish and more so when we have no real reason to be afraid – we’re just afraid because we’re taught to be afraid for the most part. We should share our thoughts and experiences and, yeah, even give voice to our fears… and then read where someone can and has done something we’re afraid of or something we didn’t know shit about.
The sad, hard truth is that there will be people who will turn their heads, who will look away in either disgust or embarrassment, who will never be convinced that there’s justification to have sex in ways other than the ones they’ve experienced. But for those who aren’t afraid, who don’t want to look away, who wonders what else there is can might be pleasurable, there are those of us who keep it real – we tell it not as much how it is but how it happened and for both the good and bad of it. We tell you our fears, how we learned what not to do as much as we learned to do it and, oh, yeah, that some of us have actually learned some of the other ways to experience orgasmic bliss. We shamelessly share our desires and the things that make us sexually curious… not just because we can but because we should; it’s the only way we can understand each other in this and, importantly, understand ourselves.
If we don’t keep it real, who will? If we don’t write it, who will? And if any of this sex talk bothers you, perhaps you need to ask yourself why it does and whether or not you’re truly keeping it real with yourself because this ain’t always about what one wants to do – it’s also about what can be done and if no one makes you aware of this, then who’s gonna do it?
Someone has to…