So Now…

11 Jul

After writing about my ‘sordid’ past, I move forward to the time in my life that saw me making ‘bad’ decisions when it came to getting busy with guys.  Again, this helps my ongoing post-stroke recovery and gives other bi and bi-curious guys an idea about how things can progress.

After I got raped – and even though I did revenge myself by beating the shit out of him – I finally realized that I had to be more careful about what dudes I got into bed with.  Not that all of those experiences/decisions were bad, mind you, but what I was realizing and coming to terms with that having sex with guys wasn’t as easy as it had been earlier and I had to understand what was different.

One major difference was that any willing guys were just flat-out hiding; the angst against anyone who appeared to be gay was pretty bad, with reports in other states of suspected gays getting beaten and/or killed so that keeping a low profile about liking dick was a pretty smart thing to do.  It taught me an appreciation that I didn’t have when younger:   Make sure you really enjoy what dick you get because it might be a long time before more comes along.

I found that if I were to go on the prowl for cock, I’d come up (no pun) empty; it’s like all the guys who liked sex with men knew I was looking for dick and just vanished… so I stopped looking.  It seems that the moment I stopped looking, I was now running into those “right place, right time” situations; a lot of “shit happens” situations were taking place with and without alcohol; I was being propositioned from unexpected directions, in unusual places, and by people I would have never guessed had a love for cock in the proverbial million years.

I learned what a lot of women know:  Men can be some real bastards when they want sex and that’s putting it mildly.  I learned why women are often offended and even disappointed with the quality of sex being provided, that thing where he gets his rocks off and leaves you hanging in the breeze.  I learned what it felt like to be seen and used as just a piece of ass – and literally, too.  Unlike some guys, I know all too well why women don’t suck dick or refuse to suck a guy off and if she has issues with anal sex, yep, I know about that one, too.

I also learned why sucking dick is just so much fun and that there can be something weirdly comforting about having a cock in your ass (or having your dick in someone else’s ass).  I learned in these times that sex with a woman and sex with a man is different… and not really so much.  I learned that one’s body really has few objections to who’s giving it pleasure – but your mind might want to pitch a bitch about who’s sucking your dick.  Indeed, in my post-cock whore days, I made it my purpose to really understand this thing about me, absorbing every bit of information I could get my hands on – and literally, too.

I found myself at times wishing I had never found out what this kind of sex was like.  I found myself asking a lot of questions, questions that took me years to answer – and then having to deal with the answers.  Pussy was plentiful and I think I did better than most of my peers when it came to this but, having dived into the deep end of the pool and found that the water was, for the most part, fine, being able to complete the other side of my desires was proving to be interesting and, sometimes, troubling.

You wonder why bi guys have the bad rep of being so promiscuous and willing to throw down with anyone with a cock… and you find out that it’s because there are few opportunities to get said cock and that you find yourself willing to throw down with almost anyone who wants to… and, no, not all of those moments are what I’d call sterling.  There were too many times when I’d be with a guy and found myself wondering why I said yes to him; there were times when some guy would be in my ass and, for some reason, it didn’t make me feel as good as the last time, whenever that was.  There were even times when I’d be working on a guy’s dick and doing everything I could not to bite that fucker right off of him.

It was often disappointing and unfulfilling… but the mind at the time insisted that it was better than nothing at all because that beast that now resided in me had to be fed and to not feed it seemed to cause me more problems than getting it fed did.  See, you think that because there are guys who like to have sex with other guys it’s a bad thing… but the real bad thing, if you care to see it as such, is knowing that you feel the way you do, that you want this most enticing sex, and that there are times when there ain’t shit you can do about it.

Today, I envy those guys who are bi and can say that it’s not a big deal to them to get any dick and that they’re just happy getting pussy.  I tried to tell myself that once, that pussy was more important… and I knew I was lying to myself.  Oh, yeah, pussy’s important… but so’s getting dick to satisfy that other side of me, that other side that I won’t hide from myself or anyone else.

I’m bisexual.  I’ve pretty much been this way almost all of my life.  And I wouldn’t want to be any other way.  But I’m not content to just accept that I yam what I yam (as Popeye used to say); I have to understand it; I pay attention to what other guys go through, compare their experiences against my own and then integrate all of this into the part of me that’ll eat a woman’s pussy until she cries and so I can better understand what she might be feeling when I’m dick-deep inside of her.

I dunno… If there’s a message to male bisexuals, curious guys, and maybe even the ladies, it is that in order to understand your sexuality (or your longings to be this way), you have to understand yourself; you have to look past that which others would find distasteful or deem to be deviant.  At some point, you understand that in any of it, it’s just sex; it’s just another of a lot of ways to please and be pleased which, other than that procreating thing, is the reason why we have sex to begin with.

To be bisexual means you’re not following the crowd when it comes down to doing the nasty; you are, in a way, unique in this because you learn that you define your sexuality and it doesn’t define you, doesn’t stick you in that stereotypical box that frightens a lot of other people.  You do learn that just because you can do it doesn’t mean you always have to… but you also learn that if you can, why the fuck not?

All that shit I did back in the day?  All it really did was teach me how to own both my sexuality and my satisfaction.  In my old age now, I don’t concern myself with what others think about my sexuality or any of the things I’ve done to date – this, too, is something that I’ve learned from all of this.  I’ve even seen where I’ve been a bit arrogant when dealing with straight dudes who have an issue with my sexuality, telling them – and with a bit of a wicked smile – that they’re just pissed off because not only can I do what they can do with women, I can do something else they don’t have the balls to do.  Yeah, it ain’t beyond me to fuck with people like that and more so when they’re trying to make me look like the bad guy, like I’m doing something wrong.  I know my sexuality bothers some people… and I won’t ever apologize for that any more than I’d apologize for all that insane shit I did as a kid.  The past cannot be changed and, in the here and now, it is what it is.

I’ve always had a bit of a mantra, to see where I came from, so that I know where I am, so I can know where I’m going… and this is true where the other side of my sexuality is concerned and, as I’ve written from time to time, I ain’t too thrilled about what some dudes do in this today.  I could choose to be like them… but then I wouldn’t be who I am, would I?  Some might even say that I make too much of a deal about this, that I’m too old school and maybe too much of a romantic about it… but since this is about me and no one else, of course it’s a big deal because it’s sex… and sex that I learned to love and embrace and revel in… because there’s no point in getting into it unless you’re really gonna get into it and find your own path in this.  I’m not being trendy – I’m just being the way I’ve always been.

I’ve been writing about my path, my thoughts, and my feelings then and now and at this moment.  It’s not my intention to weird anyone out… but I’m not going to hide this about myself either.

I’ve had fun writing about this… but it’s almost time for dinner…

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Posted by on 11 July 2013 in Life, Living and Loving


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