On yet another roll today! On the heels of “Instant Gratification,” the noodle said to me, “You know, that whole instant gratification thing could explain a few things about that crazy-assed period in your life…”
Yeah, uh-huh, like I even asked my brain to come up with relevant things. Still, and in that amazing way that memory, combined with the speed of thought, behaves, that sex-crazed period of my life whizzed through the synapses, made a brief stop at the logic center and came up with a few conclusions – all in less than a couple of minutes.
There’s the rush of excitement when you get around to discovering sex, that thing your parents start warning you about, like, not playing with that thing between your legs or you’ll grow hair on the palms of your hand. Now, if that wasn’t fun enough – and it was big-time fun – at some point, you find out what other kinds of fun you can have with it, oh, like finding a few places on girls to stick it, for instance; hey, girls really aren’t as yucky as we thought, huh? Those of us who took that step to the side and found out that boys have one less hole to stick things in found out that, sure enough, you can still do that and because it’s taboo and all that, ya mon, that makes doing it a lot more fun!
You figure out that sex thing… and you want more of it and the sooner, the better; doing as your parents mandated and waiting for the right person to come along so you can fall in love (and get married), while sensible and all that, just ain’t gonna get your dick hard or make you try to run through your sperm production as quickly as possible. Nope – that delayed gratification thing just wasn’t cutting the mustard.
Instant gratification – again. Why wait for a girl to make up her mind whether to give you some when there’s this guy you know who would gladly give you some – and right now? You don’t have to wait for him to make up his mind; if anything, you have to wait just long enough to find a place to do it and preferably some place where the likelihood of getting caught is minimized. Shit, why wait for this girl to make up her mind when you know there’s another girl who will say yes and not even give a single thought to the question?
Seriously, which one works out the best – the girl who says, “Hmm, I don’t know…” or the guy or girl who says, “Where are we gonna go do to it?” So, yeah, I knew which one worked for me and more so since the girls didn’t always yelp, “Yes! Let’s do it now!”
In those couple of minutes, I thought about this and could see instant gratification at work; it’s not really doing it because you need to – it’s doing it because you can. In those couple of minutes, I realized – and probably not for the first time in my life – the correlation between instant gratification and risk. The two things aren’t always present at the same time but when it comes to doing the bi thing – and especially for me back in the crazy time – I can easily point out to myself where I took risks then that, today, I wouldn’t even dream of taking. You really do learn about the end justifying the means way before you even learn that the phrase exists because if your goal is to find someone you can bust a nut with, well, doing a thorough risk-assessment ain’t exactly high on the list of things to do, not like being able to do it right then and there is.
In those couple of minutes, I saw that the thing that bothered me wasn’t someone saying, “No, I don’t want to;” it was someone saying, “Yes… but not right now – we can do it later, okay?” Having to wait to have sex was quite bothersome back then; the logic behind having to wait was there and did check out… but instant gratification didn’t particularly care for waiting and common sense logic provides; it compelled me to do it when it wanted to be done, not when it could be done.
That I often made instant gratification happy – and right along with taking a lot of risks in this – is just one of those things that I wryly understand; the look I get on my face when I think about this is right up there with being precious and close to priceless because I knew that I did things then that I wouldn’t do today – but isn’t the usually the case?
I know I can ‘blame’ a lot of my behavior back then on trying to wear the newness off of that sex thing as well as my innate curiosity and, yeah, doing my level best to make instant gratification happy when it needed to be. I came to understand my bisexuality, what it meant to me as a person, and all that other good stuff one has to assimilate… but back then? It was all about doing guys and gals because I wanted to and because I could and when I did, I was happy (hopefully they were, too) and instant gratification would be pleased as well, right up until it whispered to me, “Hey, let’s do it again!”
“We just got finished doing it!”
“I know and it was good… so we gotta do it again! Let’s go find someone we can do it with!”
“But I gotta go home and eat lunch!”
“You can eat dinner later, okay? Start walking over this way – I think I see someone… yeah, they’re smiling… they know what the deal is…”
Sheesh. In this, there are times when I think that it’s not about what you will do for sexual pleasure – it’s what you’re willing to do to get it so that gratification happens sooner rather than later and if it’s risky, so much the better – that’s just an extra helping of potatoes and gravy.
It is interesting to point out that during those moments when instant gratification was being taken care of, the mind wasn’t exactly idle. On top of thinking about how good the sex was feeling, it was also assessing the risks albeit all late and wrong; those things, you eventually learn, are better done before you start something; that way, you can never have to tell yourself, “You should have thought about that before you did it.” So it doesn’t do you a lot of good to think about this while you’re in the middle of humping someone’s daughter or son and in a situation that could get you into a world of shit and hurt.
Instant gratification, however, tells you, “Fuck that – worry about this shit later! Handle your business, okay – the day is young and you know I’m gonna want to do this again so stop thinking and start fucking!”
Yeah, it’s one of those little voices in your head that’s always sneaking around and egging you on to not only do a thing but to do it right now and more so when you know that if you can do whatever it is later, it’s gonna be better and even less risky… but it’s not trying to hear that. I have reason to believe that instant gratification and being impulsive are related… and back then, whoo, was I impulsive! Well, right up to the point where I started taking judo; it didn’t rid me of all of my impulsiveness – it just allowed me to get a grip on it… but because the discipline of the martial arts hadn’t quite settled in on me, well, when instant gratification said to go get some dick or pussy and to hell with the trouble you might get into, yeah, it usually won that battle.
I do realize that the reason why I didn’t really get into any trouble behind this was just pure dumb luck… and the one time I did get caught in the act didn’t end as badly for me as it did for other folks like me; I got lectured… but some of them got jumbo cans of whoop-ass opened up on them.
Instant gratification and common sense are not good friends. Common sense would say, “You know, it’s not a good idea to be having sex with her and her parents are in the next room…” Instant gratification would say, “He’s right… but keep fucking her – we’ll deal with getting caught if we get caught!”
Common sense would say, “You know, if you get caught sucking this kid’s dick – and he’s sucking yours, you both are going to get your asses badly beaten, don’t you?” Instant gratification would say, “Yep, that’s exactly what’ll happen… but keep sucking and, oh, yeah, you’re gonna cum in his mouth soon! Oh, and before I forget, you two still have to fuck each other!”
I just love getting inside my own head about this. I can look back on those days now and really get to understand myself and, yeah, sometimes it does make me say, “If I knew then what I know now, maybe a lot of that shit wouldn’t have happened.” Easy to say in the retrospective, of course because you cannot ever change what has already happened. I find myself rationalizing my behavior by telling myself that if I hadn’t done it, I would have turned out differently… I think. That one’s always iffy because if you cannot change the past, you cannot predict a future that never happened.
I know that instant gratification wasn’t totally responsible for my, um, errant behavior; it’s a thing of finding something you both love and enjoy and just running with it… and as far and as long as you can… but, yeah, I can see where instant gratification was back there doing some serious pushing, too…