At the Mercy of Others

10 Aug

I’ve been chatting with Pyx about AFF and CL and, really, just how totally fucked up AFF is; those of you who have ever checked out this site knows what I’m talking about.  You’ve already made the big leap from being totally monogamous to opening things up in your relationship, do what a lot of people new to this do and join AFF… and then find out that it wasn’t such a good idea or smart investment of your money if you paid to be a premium member.  To that end, paying that fee just opens you up further to be at the mercy of others and their not-so like-minded thinking.

The first indication that the shit on this site is funky begins with your profile picture.  We had a non-nude picture of us as our primary pic… and weren’t even getting a passing look.  On a whim, I put a kinda nude picture of my lady on there – and the hits just exploded and, oh, yeah, despite what our profile said about what we wanted, we were getting hits from people who just weren’t into what we were into and some of them had the audacity to suggest that if we didn’t want to do shit the way they wanted to do it – read this as have their way with my baby’s rather luscious body – then we were all fucked up, clueless and was even told we had no business being in the lifestyle.

Say what?  Wait, what happened to being open- and like-minded?  Hold up… when your profile said that you were down for anything and that you were wild and kinky, um, were you lying about that?  Oh, so, you want to play with us but you’re not sure if your wife will want to play?  If that’s the case, why are you talking to us?

The questions could continue unabated on why people behave the way they do when it comes to sex and being on AFF and similar sites.  You learn a lot of things rather quickly and what you manage to learn often isn’t very pretty and can be rather distasteful, revealing prejudices that one would think that sex, one of the universal languages, could easily overcome.

So if you went into being open or swinging and had the thought in your head that joining AFF (or some other site) would open the doors to sexual nirvana for you, uh, guess again.  I’m not gonna say that you won’t find what you’re looking for because people are rather successful on AFF… but what I am saying is that chances are good you’re gonna find a lot of shit that you weren’t even looking for and even get requests for sex in ways that would make a porn star shudder.

Like the one ‘couple’ that contacted us on AFF and said that they’d be willing to do whatever we wanted them to do… as long as my baby gave the man a golden shower.  Uh… okay…  So when we stopped laughing and told them there was no way we were going to do that – did you not see the part in our profile that said no watersports? – then we were deemed too ignorant of the needs of others and, thus, unworthy to fuck.

Your needs?  What about our needs?  Ye gods, one wouldn’t think that this question would ever come up, right?  But, more often than not, it does because one of the other things you learn is that being on a swinging site ain’t about your needs and no matter how clearly you state them:  This is about everyone else’s needs and if you can’t, won’t, or are otherwise unwilling to play the game their way, then you ain’t shit and never will be.

After messing around with some of the idiots on AFF and other sites, it’s no wonder that couples who want to swing take a big step back and opt for swinging celibacy, willing to just sit, wait, and watch for that one elusive couple who will want what they want and the way they want it.  One of the things I noticed on the various sites we belong to is that you are often expected and required to do some version of taking one for the team, something that swingers generally aren’t fond of doing.  Even in real life, having sex with your partner is about compromise, figuring out that list of things you’ll both do and won’t do for whatever reason… and what you find out is that if you had it in your head that jumping into the deep end of being non-monogamous was going to be easy, yeah, sure it is… because you’re now in a situation where you may have to compromise and negotiate for sex when you’re really not of a mind to do so.

AFF, in my opinion, is the worst of the many sites and if anyone’s ever joined AFF and they don’t have their own horror stories to tell, I’d be surprised.  AFF would have you pay a premium price so that you can get your feelings hurt, be offended, be summarily rejected, ridiculed, and just flat-out dissed; shit, if that’s your cup of tea, you can probably go to your next family reunion barbeque and have all that happen – and for free, at that.

You can join these sites and be as aggressive in your pursuit of whatever’s floating both of your boats… and you’re still pretty much at the mercy of others because if you can’t get them to agree with what you’re proposing, that aggressive pursuit’s not really working for you all that well.  I think it’s sad to actually see how totally fucked up people can be when it comes to sex and in a lifestyle that’ll make you think that everything’s wide open, free-spirited, unfettered, and unadulterated sexual pleasure – and the reality says that it’s anything but which, of course, is why so many newbies get totally discouraged and give up their goals and dreams of an enriching and liberating non-monogamous relationship.


Posted by on 10 August 2013 in Life, Living and Loving


Tags: , , ,

4 responses to “At the Mercy of Others

  1. Cinnamon

    10 August 2013 at 15:56

    Yep…. I’ve been a victim of AFF too. I also found the love of my life there and we were together for over 4 years (till he moved on because he didn’t want to take it further). I also have some friends that I’ve met there and are still friends with. And of course YOU Kdaddy….I met you on another site too and look where we are (bosom pen pal/blogger buddies.

    You most definitely can get your ass handed to you by some weird folks that is the truth. You and I explored the whole enchilada on our other website. And I think we were even able to shed some light on some of these topics and help some folks out. What it really comes down to is this: If you are ready to start venturing out into an alternative lifestyle….you had better suit up in some armor. Because no matter HOW kinky you think you are, or how open-minded you think people are, you are in for a wake up call. Nothing in this life can EVER measure up to our imagination. And that’s just the sad reality of it. The good news is that you might just stumble upon some great folks too. I know I have. {wink wink}


  2. lifeofalovergirl

    10 August 2013 at 17:59

    I never paid for a membership on AFF but oddly enough my experience there wasn’t too bad. I joined shortly after my divorce and slept with two men off of there, both white. Neither panned out to be anything long term but one of them was pretty good in bed. I also met a guy on there on a forum who has been an online friend for about 5 years now and we sometimes text or talk on the phone. He told me a lot of his swinging escapades and is part of what got me interested in trying things out for myself. I haven’t been on there in quite awhile though. I hate that they have it blocked where I can read emails but often can’t click on the profiles without being asked to uprgrade before reading them or seeing pics.


    • kdaddy23

      10 August 2013 at 19:42

      Good to hear from you again, Cinn – school must be keeping you horribly busy! Yeah, we both know that there are some gems in the pile of shit that is usually a swinging website. Lovergirl, I gotta tell you that if there’s something you wanna know about swinging sites, clubs, and the guys who troll them, ask Cinnamon – she is a wealth of knowledge and experience and makes me look like I don’t know squat. You are what every guy on a swinging site wishes for: A single woman who doesn’t have a lot of inhibitions so, no, you probably wouldn’t have the problems that me and Cinn have seen where dealing with other couples are concerned. Eventually, you find that it totally sucks (and, as always, not in a good way) to learn that you’ve paid for a membership to a site only to have other people treat you like you never learned how to have sex or, worse, the only reason why you’re on a site is to pleasure them whenever they demand it.

      It’s discrimination at a level most people would never expect to run into; you’re expected and required to give up your values, wants and needs and, oh, yeah, your woman’s pussy while you’re at it and in a way that’s gonna please them and if you’re displeased, well, that’s your problem. I know it’s just me but this is a fucked up way to run an airline, if you catch my drift; having sex in this way shouldn’t be as difficult as it really is. If a site has tens of thousands of members and you only manage to run into one or two people you can have sex with, there’s something really wrong going on, wouldn’t you agree?


      • lifeofalovergirl

        10 August 2013 at 20:23

        Yeah, I think people all have their own little things and trying to play as a couple can actually be more difficult because you have 4 different people who have to match up with each other. That’s why Mr. Firm (my newest guy) says he and his girlfriend ended up going the “single” route on the swinger site. As a single woman I definitely have a lot of options but still picky and we all are at times. So I can see how it could be an issue. Have you tried the forums on there? Some of the active ones aren’t too bad.



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