I was just thinking – this time with plenty of coffee in my system – about those bi guy moments when you know something is about to jump off – let’s call it ‘The Thrill’ because, um, it sounds very close to the actual feeling. As always, I don’t know about what other guys are feeling at the moment the deal is made to have sex, but I’ve always felt an odd mixture of fear and excitement; in my younger days, things always happened faster than I could organize my thoughts, you know, getting my head into ‘sex mode’ and in those same younger days, it wasn’t about what I wanted to do versus what I didn’t want to do because, as most of you know, when I was younger, I was doing it all and was damned happy about it.
The Thrill used to hit me so hard that I would literally be vibrating; my hands would shake, my legs felt as if they didn’t want to hold me up, and those damned butterflies would be dogfighting in my belly. I would have a moment to collect myself because me and the other guy would now have to agree who was going to do what first – and that was provided my partner-of-the-moment didn’t know about being in a 69; yeah, all encounters back then started out with blowjobs 99% of the time ’cause going straight to fucking was allowable but it just didn’t get you all amped up for that part – it’s like going in cold and unprepared.
You get older and more experienced and you get to know for a fact that something’s gonna jump off between you and him but now since you’re negotiating with him about what you want to do versus what he wants, you have some extra time to let your mind slip into sex mode… and The Thrill is there and just as strong as it was when I was younger… except I learned to control my nervousness and grounding the dogfighting butterflies by taking them off of flight status for the duration so that by the time the negotiations are done – and keep in mind that they usually only took a couple of minutes – I was ready to throw down and in whatever mode we agreed to.
The Thrill isn’t just associated with having sex with men – it’s just as prevalent when women are involved so for the purpose of this writing, accept this as a given; I don’t want anyone to think that I’d feel one way about having sex with men and feel another way with women. Nope, The Thrill is all about knowing that you’re about to have sex and it made me understand that if you can’t get hyped up about having sex and without someone having to push you in that direction, well, perhaps you need to rethink your position on what it means to get laid, check your pulse, or in some other way verify that you’re alive and horny.
The Thrill is one of those emotional moments that defy explanation; being intangible, there are very few words that can accurately describe what is going on in mind and body at the moment when you know that, yeah, I’m about to get naked with this guy. I would sometimes think, “Oh, shit!” or even “I don’t believe I’m getting ready to do this!” right along with thinking, “Why did I agree to do this?” or “I don’t really think I should be doing this!” and all the while I’m getting undressed, my body letting him know that I’m happy to see him in his birthday suit and while my obvious excitement may not be particularly about him as whatever kind of guy he is, it’s definitely about having the sure knowledge that in mere moments, I’m going to have my mouth on his cock and for however long it takes for me to make it go soft again.
Okay, so there are those moments, once the sex gets started, where doubt could enter into the equation, which takes a lot of the edge off of The Thrill because not every encounter goes swimmingly well. It doesn’t completely go away… well, a few times it did but even in the face of having a reason not to like what’s happening, The Thrill is still in the background and reassuring me that no matter how this turns out, you still got to get some dick in your mouth, right? The Thrill is great at putting a positive spin on even the worse situation most of the time and in those rare occasions that getting down with this guy was a pure bust, The Thrill gets wiser than I was in that situation and tells me that, okay, it wasn’t a good moment for you… but you’ve learned something for the next time.
In the moments where everything’s going just fine, The Thrill envelopes me like a warm blanket, suffusing me within its comforting embrace as I work on him; it kinda changes to become The Drive which is something within me that makes me determined to get this guy off and is also responsible for being in charge of how I might do that, you know, like whether or not I’m going to deal with his cock like the rare treat it is or whether or not I’m going to attack it like I’m starving. Time plays into how The Drive behaves because, most of the time, it’s not like you have all day to suck that dick over and over; you have maybe an hour to work your magic and make him cum while he’s working similar magic on you; there are times when you don’t even have an hour because even though this is one of life’s delightful pleasures, there are other matters that require and demand your attention and all that.
The Thrill and The Drive are partners, of course, feeding off of each other and infusing their lusty energies into me before, during, and after the fact. They’re both very old friends and I’ve spent countless hours examining why they appear within me, when they do, how they both play within me as the action progresses and, of course, when it’s all said and done; we’re both limp and spent and maybe fervently wishing there was time to do it again.
See, being a bisexual isn’t always about going both ways to have sex. A lot of it is so internalized because despite this new and emotionless approach to bi sex, it is still very much about what you think and feel. I’ve always examined these things about me because it’s important that I understand myself in this, what motivates me, what drives me, and even the logic of being – and remaining – bisexual. It’s about the sex, about being very comfortable with going batshit when it’s time to get some pussy and having that same level of comfort when that erection is staring me in the face – the “One-eyed Wonder Worm,” if you’ve never heard that one before.
It’s about embracing that love for sex, recognizing that you have this ingrained need for it and while you learn not to let that need completely run your life, you fully acknowledge that, yes, this is just as much a part of me as getting ready to have sex with a woman is. After a while, the thoughts of good sex versus bad sex begin to lose their meaning; The Thrill lets me understand that if it’s sex, then how can it be all that bad… and, to be honest, it really isn’t – you get to understand that while a particular experience wasn’t the best it could be, uh, you did have sex, didn’t you? You got him off even if he didn’t get you off for whatever reason.
It all ties into The Joy, which you’ve seen me write about and, on the whole… looking at the big picture (and now being old enough, mature enough, and experienced enough to see it)… it’s just not about the sex – it’s about The Thrill of being able to have sex – period. Being bisexual has taught me, via The Thrill, that good sex is where you find it… because it’s a chance to have sex… that good and bad means nothing to The Thrill… because The Thrill is about making any sex as good as it can be. I might only have an hour with a guy’s cock… and The Thrill says, “Make the best of your time with this dick – and I will help you with this.”
I understand The Thrill but in ways that I just can’t put into words. It’s fear and excitement, one controlled, the other not so much at times; it’s that rush of pleasure knowing that you’re about to do something that a lot of people can’t or won’t do and all because we’re told and taught that it’s not supposed to be done.
And, yeah, I’m about to do it, about to break all the rules… and how can that not be Thrilling?