One of the things I’ve learned that drive women crazy isn’t that guys are forever trying to pick them up – it’s what banal drivel winds up assaulting them in the process… and when you’re a dude and another dude is trying to pick you up for a night of sex, it actually gets worse.
I’ve heard some of the worst pickup lines, that corny and juvenile shit that if said to a woman, she’d laugh him out of the country. I got to the point where some guy would be trying to convince me – and in some really unimaginative ways – to go to bed with him and I just wanted to punch him in the throat and yell, “Just get to the fucking point so I can fucking tell you no!” Once I figured out why they were bothering me, I tried just heading them off at the pass and telling them that I wasn’t interested… even if I was interested in getting some dick… and all because such things would peg my bullshitometer at the first couple of words.
Like the guy who sat down next to me at my then-favorite watering hole and said, “Hey, beautiful!” I actually looked to my right to see if there was a woman sitting next to me and wondering how he could be so rude as to be talking to her through me. But the bar stool on my right was empty… and I actually got so pissed at being called “beautiful” that I couldn’t say anything – but I did give him my best “do you want to keep living?” look, which sent him slinking back to wherever the fuck he came from.
I guess some guys figure that the direct approach works better… and that would be fine if they were actually being direct. Again, favorite watering hole and a guy stands next to me and says, “I have a really big dick that I know you’ll want to suck…” I was actually so stunned by this announcement that I couldn’t say anything but, bad for him, it gave me a few seconds to think about what I was going to say – so I laughed at him… and really loud, too. And to make it worse for him, after he crawled back to his table, I’d look over at him every so often and laugh some more.
I’ve heard many variations of, “I’ve never done anything like this before, but…” and, somehow, the moment you hear these words, you know it’s not the truth – that shy, introverted, reserved approach might work on some guys… but not on me. I told one guy, after he uttered the words, “And you never will, either – go away.”
It got to a point where I’d just look forward to guys trying to pick me up because their attempts to do so were often amusing. Sometimes they were insulting; I know about the male ego and all of that but trying to pull that alpha male/arrogant act on me will only get me thinking about how many ways I can inflict pain on you, like the guy who rolled up on me and said, “Mmm, baby, I can do such good things to that nice ass of yours!” while grabbing his crotch.
He was standing close enough for me to grab the bottom of his rib cage and pull on it – trust me, that shit hurts! As he winced in pain, I looked at him with an evil smile on my face and said, “Don’t call me baby…” – one of my finer “don’t fuck with me like that” moments. I came to realize that I needed to think about what a man could or should say to me so that I’d tell him yes to his proposition. I also realized that it wasn’t what he was saying that mattered the most – it was how he said it, what things I could pick up behind his words that said that he was sincere and a few other things that would convince me to drop my guard and ask, “What do you have in mind?”
Some guys have managed to do that and we’ve gone off somewhere to have some pretty decent sex while a lot of guys just failed to impress me with their game. I’ve challenged guys by asking a simple question: Why would I want to go to bed with you? I also realized that I’ve heard women asking guys trying to pick them up the exact same question and, in that moment, I saw that in the quest for sex, the methods used toward that end aren’t really gender-specific. I’ve had guys talk about my eyes, my lone dimple in my cheek, how big my hands are as well as how long my fingers are; they’ve talked to me about how nice of an ass I have, that I have a pretty nice print in my pants, and the list goes on and on and I realized that while such compliments are nice and have even been known to work on women from time to time, flattery will get you nowhere with me.
If you’re a guy trying to get into my pants, just be yourself; be intelligent and all that because kicking that game to me isn’t going to get you what you’re looking for and more so if, at the moment you stepped to me, the last thing I was thinking about was getting some dick – and that’s usually when most guys would try their luck with me because when I was actually looking for a nice hard cock to play with, well, no one seemed to be available and, no, I wasn’t of a mind to try kicking some kind of game to get what I wanted. It wasn’t a lack of confidence or anything like that but, honestly, an inability to think of something game-ish to say to a guy that would get me in his pants other than the ultimate direct approach thing: “Excuse me, but I’d really love to give you a blowjob – does that sound like something you’d be interested in?” If it sounded lame to me, nah, wasn’t going to say it.
I actually said that to a guy once – and it worked, something that surprised the both of us…
I found that guys had more success with me by simply telling me what was on their mind about being bi or even gay, you know, that whole intelligent conversation thing? You’ll get my attention quicker by not starting off talking to me about wanting to have sex. I’ve had conversations with guys that I thought were so genuine and guileless to the point where we’d eventually find out that we had something special in common. Sure, I know that with some guys, this is a game all by itself and, yeah, it tends to work with me more than that getting in my face with it thing I’ve heard all too often.
I understand that approach because men tend to be no-nonsense about having this kind of sex: Tell me what you want and I’ll tell you if I want to do it. Don’t try to seduce me or otherwise treat me like I’m a girl; please don’t bother me with all those flattering sentiments in an attempt to stroke my ego and more so when we both know that it’s not our egos that are in need of stroking. Here in my older age, I tend to be a lot more cynical than I was in my youth; I’d rather hear the truth about what’s on your mind than anything else and trying to flatter me or seduce me with verbal trickery isn’t going to work well these days.
Which is why when I go on that site I like to tell y’all about, a large percentage of those guys don’t even get a chance to exchange those system-based emails with me because I don’t have time for the dumb shit. You’re not going to impress me with the size of your dick; speaking to me like you’re uneducated and a hood rat will get you summarily dismissed. Come at me by asking if I’m a “real man” and you’ll be lucky to escape with your skin intact after the verbal flensing that will ensue and all because you had the temerity to question my masculinity.
Trust me, you really don’t have a bigger set of balls than I do so all that bluster, bragging, and fronting will result in me rolling my eyes and if we’re having this conversation in person, the only thing that’ll be on my mind is how to get you to go away without having to seriously hurt your feelings.
Just had this on my mind…