Travellinginternationally wrote a blog – http://3somes.wordpress.com/2013/11/02/heteroflexible-another-term-for-bi-curious/ – and, well, the title of his blog is an interesting question albeit one that absolutely drives me nuts because the word “heteroflexible” is back in the mix. You should go read the blog and the comments so that when you read this, you’ll be up to speed.
A swinger introduced me to this word, oh, I guess about four or five years ago now and I remember my reaction upon hearing it: “Hetero-what? What the fuck does that even mean?” The guy went on to explain to me that while he was rather straight, there were times when he’d go down on a dude and have a dude go down on him… but he wasn’t bisexual… he was heteroflexible. He further qualified this strange new word by emphasising that he’d never be interested in having a relationship with a man and he’s not infatuated with men and even that he only does this at certain times and/or situations and with certain men who meet his criteria but, somehow, he seemed to think that what he’s doing is different from what bisexual men do.
Uh… it’s not – please, read on…
I called bullshit on his explanation then… and I’m doing it again. I have come to understand that some people are either so afraid of the word “bisexual” or they’re in such abject denial about being bisexual, someone had to coin a new word that has all the elements of bisexuality… but none of the stigma. For these folks – and as I’ve had it explained to me several times, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it might not be a duck.
In Travelling’s blog, he equates heteroflexibility with bi-curiosity… and while he does make a bit of a case toward why he feels/thinks this way, having been in the position to have ended the curiosity of more guys than I care to think about, nah, I don’t see the connection. Maybe it works on paper but to me, it’s not the same thing. As I said in my comments on his blog, a bi-curious person thinks but doesn’t act – doesn’t matter why they can’t or don’t pull the trigger; bisexuals not only think but they act – and when they act or how they act has no bearing on things – so trying the “I don’t do it all the time” or the “I get sucked but I don’t suck” excuses just ain’t gonna fly here.
As I sat and did other things after reading and commenting on the blog, man, it really – and I mean really – started to bug me and I understand why; the way I came up in the world, you called a spade a spade; you might be able to use a claw hammer as a crowbar… but you know that a hammer ain’t a crowbar by any stretch of the imagination.
Okay… so every bisexual’s experiences are different and often begin with an innocent-sounding question: “I wonder what it’s like?” You hear about guys doing guys and girls doing girls, maybe have a moment with that moral conundrum about such things and either your morality wins the internal discussion and you let the question go by the wayside… or it sticks with you, loitering around in the back of your mind and popping up unexpectedly. Maybe you’re in the locker room with a bunch of guys, seeing all that cock and ass milling around and that makes the question come to the front of your mind or even some other innocuous event might get you thinking about it – it doesn’t take a whole lot but even then, I know guys who have told me about the things that got them thinking about it and other things that combined to start pushing things from thinking about what it might be like to thinking about how they can find out what it’s like.
Nothing beats actual experience.
In just the things I’ve learned over all the years I’ve been having sex with men who are not gay, this is usually a big sticking point; a lot of guys never get the chance to find out because they’re also aware of the stigma and problems that could crop up; then you toss in the soon-to-be-apparent thought of finding someone you can trust enough to have that first experience and, well, a lot of times, that first time never happens. But for some men, everything manages to come together and now he finds himself approaching the moment of truth, that space of time when he’s got his dick out and there’s another guy getting ready to not only touch it but put it in his mouth. I mention this because – again in my experiences – getting sucked is usually the first experience guys have other than maybe having another guy jerk him off… but for the purposes of this writing, let’s say that the first experience is getting that blow job, okay? We can nitpick the finer points later…
I’ve had guys chicken out at the moment of truth; I’ve had them let me get their cock into my mouth and they’ve chickened out, lost their erection, or they’re just too afraid to continue. Strangely, I learned from those who cited fear as their reason to not continue that they weren’t afraid of something bad happening – they were afraid they were going to like it. Sounds weird but if you care to think about it for a few, it makes sense because if they like it, it changes everything they’ve ever understood about themselves and, yeah, that can be some scary shit.
I asked Travelling a question: At what point does one’s curiosity get satisfied? Again, from experience, I’ve sucked guys off for their first time and they’ve gotten the answer to the “What is it like?” question; if they never have another experience (and it doesn’t matter why they don’t), the question has been answered and, at least to me, curiosity has been satisfied… unless they want to do it again to verify that, yeah, he actually liked having another guy sucking his dick (or liked being the one doing the sucking).
And that’s fine – nothing wrong with questioning that first experience and following it up with another to confirm or even deny the results of the first experience – but regardless to what he does or doesn’t do after the second time around, the question has still been answered one way or the other.
Curiosity has been satisfied… unless, of course, his cock sucking experiences make him curious about having anal sex. Said curiosity can be expanded to include what it’s like to kiss another man, what it’s like to cuddle with him, stuff like that but once those first experiences have taken place, well, the questions – and in all their possible forms – wind up getting answered… and curiosity has been seriously satisfied.
Now you get into the semantical argument about whether or not they’re bisexual… or heteroflexible. Ye gods, I have written so many times that the perception of what it means to be bisexual is the wrong one. It’s not a given or anything like that for a guy who likes having sex with other guys to have a relationship with them other than a sexual one and even then that relationship usually lasts for as long as it takes to complete the sex act… unless, of course, they are their own repeat customers – it happens. It’s not having a relationship with him in the sense that you’d have one with a woman; it doesn’t mean you love the guy – fuck, it doesn’t even mean that you really like him in the sense that you’d like a woman because as I’ve said repeatedly, you only have to like him enough to have some kind of sex with him.
It doesn’t mean that now that you’ve sucked dick or whatever that now you’re gonna start looking at guys and drooling all over them; it doesn’t mean that the primary object of your sexual desires – women – is going to be supplanted by some overwhelming urge to have sex with men as a main way to get one’s rocks off. It doesn’t matter what you do nor does it matter how often you do it. It’s really kinda simple, people: If you have some kind of sex with a man and you like it and you keep doing it and you still have your desire to fuck women, you’re bisexual and, just in my opinion, if you’re rolling like this and calling yourself heteroflexible, well, I have a lot of coffee for you to smell.
Sure… calling yourself heteroflexible sounds better because, again, we all know about the shit storm than can crop up to say that you’re bisexual – heteroflexible probably sounds nice and PC and more so when you can add qualifiers that you think will take you far away from the definition of what a bisexual is. And if you’re doing that, there are a lot of people – and that includes me – that might tell you that you’re in some mild denial about being that duck.
You say you hate labels? Another form of denial in the sense that the labels are what they are and rejecting them doesn’t make a lot of sense because even if no one else knows what you’re doing in this, you know what you’re doing just like you know the label that goes along with it.
Please don’t misunderstand: If you want to call yourself heteroflexible and/or categorically deny that any label you care to choose in this applies to you, I gots no problem with that and I’m not (a) trying to change your mind about these things nor am I (b) busting your ass for handling your business in a way that just drives me nuts because it’s your life and your sexual life so you do whatever makes you feel the best about whatever it is you’re doing.
I’m just telling y’all what I had on my mind about this. Yeah, I’m from the old school and all that, from a time where this was kinda simple: If you only have sex with women, you’re straight; if you only have sex with men, you’re gay… but if you have sex with men and women, you’re bi. Simple, right?
Apparently not. What continues to, in turns, tickle me or make me roll my eyes is how far someone will go to deny that they’re bisexual when they’ve been doing things that a bisexual would do like, oh, have sex with a guy then have sex with a girl and, yeah, even in the same sitting. If I suck you off and you like it and keep coming back so I can drain your balls again, at least to me, you’re not curious any longer and now it’s just a question of whether or not you’re gonna stop at getting sucked off or if you’re gonna graduate to sucking some cock yourself or take that big leap and dive into the anal sex pool. And if we spend some time getting each other off and then you go home to your wife or girlfriend or some chick you pick up at the bar on your way home and give it to her good and hard, there’s only one word for you that my mind will associate with your actions:
Bisexual. Not curious. Not heteroflexible.
At the end of the day, it’s not about why you do whatever you’re doing; it’s not about when you might do the voodoo that you do: It’s that you do it – period. Oh, and you like doing it whenever you do it – that tends to help the cause, too! And, as always when I’m writing about this, I hear ducks quacking in the background. It just never, ever, fails to amaze me that we can go to such lengths to complicate something that is, in and of itself, rather simple. We can argue semantics from now until the cows come home but as Mandrill said in their hit song “Fencewalk,” “It’s not what you say… it’s what you do.”
Now I can go to bed… after I set a few clocks and my watch…