Over the last couple of days, I’ve had some interesting discussions with a few people about being bisexual versus that heteroflexible thing and I’ve paid some attention to what people seem to think is the difference in these two things and, honestly, the only thing I’ve been able to see is an emphasis on not wanting to be in a same-sex relationship which had me ask one blogger, “What makes you thinking being bisexual is about relationships?”
There are some things going on here that, at least to me, have totally skipped over the obvious like, for instance, if you’re bisexual and already in an opposite sex relationship, chances are you’re not likely to get involved in a same-sex relationship unless your straight relationship has provisions to allow such engagements – not all that likely, right? Likewise, if you’re not in a relationship, well, that leaves you free to be in a relationship… if you wanted to be in one and especially a same-sex relationship. It’s not mandated or required for someone who either thinks or knows that they’re bi to be in a relationship and I was really wondering where people got this misconception from… and then it hit me.
Heteroflexibles are poo-pooing the relationship thing because the sex and intimacy that can be experienced is something that is only meant for relationships. Don’t get me wrong… I understand the thinking about this but, as far as men are concerned, when it’s time to get jiggy with another guy – and provided that he can – the last thing we’re thinking about is being in a relationship with him. C’mon, you know how we are, right? All we’re really thinking about is getting our shit off and, occasionally, if the guy is a cool and decent enough person and the sex with him was good, we might consider throwing down with him again.
So is the difference between being bisexual and heteroflexible just a matter of some really involved semantics, the difference between relationship sex and casual sex… and then the possible inability for some people to just have casual sex in the homosexual mode? One female blogger who wrote about this said in her comments to me that while she felt that she could be in a relationship with a guy – but limit her interactions with women to just making out with her – she didn’t think that she could have a relationship with her – and him – at the same time.
Okay, I get that… but my point in this ‘argument’ is who says you must have a relationship? Is it a matter of women having that instinctive need to only have sex in a relationship? Could this be a matter of not being able to expand the meaning of the word ‘relationship’ and seeing – and knowing – that a sexual relationship with someone is still a relationship… but not really in the conventional sense of the word we all kinda/sorta understand?
My issue with heteroflexibility is that I really can’t see the difference between this and being bisexual. A few people I know – and they’re mostly swingers, by the way, use the phrases “bi with the right person” or “socially bi” to describe their same-sex interactions (and relationships not even close to being in the picture). I thought these phrases to be rather interesting in that what they’re saying is that normally, they’re straight… but if things line up the right way, then they can and will climb over the fence and check out the grass on the other side, get their cookies crumbled, then climb back over to the straight side of the fence.
Which isn’t any different from the way most bisexuals behave. It had me thinking that the perception of bisexuals is that we have sex from the other side all of the time… and that’s just nowhere close to the truth of things because if it were true, uh, wouldn’t that make us gay? I’ve often used myself as an example and point out that in the majority of times, when I’m having sex, it’s straight sex… but I will climb over the fence and suck some dick if it’s doable – I gots no issues with being able to do either thing. I mean, we do decide when we want to have sex like this; we decide who we’re going to have this sex with and by using whatever criteria is required for the situation at hand, like that attraction and clicking thing that’s so important to a lot of us. So while it would appear that bisexuals have gay sex and only because it’s there to be had, it doesn’t mean – and has never meant – that we’re always compelled to have this sex on a regular and continuous basis and that we need to be in a same-sex relationship in order to do it.
If we can, we do… but when we don’t, it’s because we also know that (1) it’s not the only way we like to get off because we still very much love opposite sex sex and, more importantly, (2) just because we can jump the fence doesn’t mean we have to. Most bisexuals know and understand that it’s not about being into the other person or any other romantic notions – we know we only have to like the person enough to sleep with them and then only if they’re on the same page about it – we just need to to say yes; we seem to seek out NSA sex in this more than anything else, even if we’re single and then the thoughts is that we can have sex with this person – and maybe have sex with them more than once – but getting into a conventional relationship with them just isn’t on our list of things to do because even though we’re capable of having sex on both sides of the fence, if we want to be in a relationship, it’s gonna be with someone of the opposite sex.
I did ponder my own bias about this but I do try to not let my joy of being bisexual get in the way of my trying to figure out why people behave the way they do about the word bisexual and how some start slicing and dicing and mincing things around until what they do (or want to do) is somehow different from what the original word can imply. I can appreciate how people can see things differently in this because I think that all bisexuals do stuff to make their actions fit the general description, i.e., we all don’t give head or do anal sex or even kiss and cuddle whenever we throw down like this, either because we’re not into doing any of these things or we don’t feel like doing it with the person we happen to be with.
I can allow that men look at being bisexual differently than women… but that doesn’t change the fact that a lot of guys are calling themselves heteroflexible and all it really does – and apparently only in my opinion – say that they prefer straight sex… but they’re not put off by occasionally throwing down with another guy… but that’s not any different from what people who say they’re bisexual behave up to and including the relationship thing. I’ve been in a relationship with a gay man – and that happened after I said that it could never happen – and while I’m not looking to be in another such relationship, I wouldn’t dare say that it couldn’t happen again. I’ve been in sexual relationships with a few guys and I use this bit of semantical slicing only because we’ve had sex with each other more than once and even then our interaction with each other was limited to just the sex – none of that falling in love and playing house with each other. And the why of it is kinda simple: I know I don’t want or have to be in a relationship with him just to drain his nuts whenever the opportunity presents itself… and the other guys know like I know.
So while I’m acutely aware of the dangers of never saying never, when it comes to leaping over the fence, nah, having or needing a relationship isn’t even a consideration – but getting my rocks crushed with him (and crushing his rocks) is the primary focus.
So unless someone can convince me otherwise – and I am open to be convinced – it’s a difference that makes no difference as far as behavior is concerned; it’s really a thing of people defining their feelings and behavior in a way that makes them comfortable in their own skin. If you say you’re heteroflexible, then you can most likely avoid the stigma of being called bisexual… like being bisexual is such a dirty and offensive word.
It’s what makes me say ad nauseam that it’s not about what you do or when/how often you do it; it’s not about some implied or imagined need to be in a conventional relationship with someone in order to do it whenever you do it. But, undeniably, it is purely about the simple and unavoidable fact that you see fit to do it.
I do so very much love having these discussions with other people, to be able to compare their thinking and behaviors against my own and in order to keep my finger on the pulse of this particular sexual preference. It pleases me to see that more and more people are starting to climb the fence because, if nothing else, they’re unwilling to let societal norms dictate and control their personal sexual pleasures. Having these discussions gives me great insight into what and how people think about this aspect of sexuality and, yeah, without offense to anyone, it often gives me a horrible case of the giggles to see them tap dancing all around the generally accepted fact that if you have heterosexual sex and homosexual sex, you’re bisexual; otherwise, you’re either straight or gay.
So, yeah, it’s been interesting and educational and I wouldn’t object to more input from others about this!