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This Is a Great Article!

17 Nov

For those of you who are interested in the numbers game where bisexuality is concerned, check out this article I stumbled upon while commenting on another blog:  http://www.xojane.com/sex/is-bisexuality-real.

I gotta be honest:  When I read it, all I could do was roll my eyes at the continuing premise that male bisexuals are just gay guys who are in denial; jeez, this oddball thinking was old when I first heard about it in the late 1980s!  And the notion of bisexual women just doing the deed with each other because it’s hip and cool is just outlandish, narrow-minded, and egocentric, like it’s not possible for a woman to like pussy and dick… because she really does like both and being chic is the last thing on her mind.

As I’ve said at times – and to quote a line from a favorite movie, “Only Siths think in absolutes…” – and apparently the Dark Lords of the Sith aren’t the only ones who believe that if you’re not straight or gay, you’re either with us or against us… and if you’re against us, your sexuality doesn’t really exist; I guess that myself – and right along with a great many male and female bisexuals – are suffering from some very weird form of a mass hallucination – is it possible that we’re all caught in the Matrix?

Anyway, enough of my prattling (for now) – go read the article and, if you care to, holla at your boy and tell me what you thought of it!

Oh!  A quick P.S.!  Why doesn’t one of these universities do a study with bisexuals and ask them if they think we’re real?  I’d volunteer for that study (and then make them wish I hadn’t)!

 
6 Comments

Posted by on 17 November 2013 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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6 responses to “This Is a Great Article!

  1. travellinginternationally

    18 November 2013 at 00:37

    I think the article is one of those, “I need to write something.” The study based on an internet poll, which means it has an inherently biased sample and it is meant to be a part of a larger study. Then the author shifts to the explanation for the result by focusing on the two groups that are the harshest on the definition. In my opinion, the article is quite limiting and does not explore the 15% beyond the two groups that have negative perception of the term, bisexuality. Also, I am disappointed the author did not explore the positive aspect of the term and explore the debate as to why bisexuality is a sexual orientation. Instead the author chose to strictly focus on the negative aspects and by doing it, I believe, he damaged his article.

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    • kdaddy23

      18 November 2013 at 01:20

      Well, if the article was about the disbelief (and other shit) that bisexuals truly exist on the tree of sexuality, then the author did well (in my opinion) to bring more of the angst to the front of the line – in a statistical way – that some folks have about bisexuals and bisexuality, including the mention of those stereotypes I mentioned that have been around for decades. Given that I was reading other blogs about this same disbelief – as seen in the eyes of other bisexuals – well, it worked for me and, honestly, for the purpose of the article, trying to explore that 15% in a deeper context would have produced a lengthy writing – although I would like to see that author get into that aspect in future articles; I wonder if there’s a way to inquire about that?

      Any time I see a study like this, I always ask myself, “Well, who did they ask?” because there always seems to be some bias taking place, mostly because they either didn’t ask the right people or they didn’t ask enough people so I tend to suspect their sampling methods right off the bat; one of the things I learned about statistical analysis is that you can pretty much make the numbers say anything you want them to say.

      That anyone thinks that bisexuals don’t really exist is just silly – of course we do and the proof, such as it is, is that I exist; I know I’m bisexual not just because of my actions but I’ve had a very long time to ponder this thing about myself. Even if I never met another bisexual, it would be the height of stupidity for me or anyone else to assume that I’m the only bisexual on the planet – that’s just impossible. Nope, I’m not really a gay guy faking the funk nor am I in denial about my ‘true’ sexual leanings. That anyone thinks that bisexuality isn’t a valid sexual orientation is equally silly; it presupposes that you could be either straight or gay… but not both, like it’s not even supposed to be possible.

      I’ve been reading where gays in the various LGBT communities have taken up the gauntlet and are bashing bisexuals again by insisting that we’re really gay, we’re a bunch of pretenders, and other nonsense like that, like the part about women who are bi because it gets a lot of attention headed their way. On this, I’m not saying that there aren’t women who use the bisexual card as a means to an end… but they’re in the minority because all of the female bisexuals I know personally enjoy having sex with other women. And even if said women are doing this for that reason, so what? Why would this even matter to the gay naysayers because if this is some kind of image issue, I would think they’d be better off letting said women identify as bisexual rather than having them go around saying that they’re lesbians… when that’s not even the truth.

      I see stuff like this, Travelling, and I often get the sense that the gay faction, in particular, is trying to drag bisexuals into the same mess that, sadly, they’ve had to put up with for a lot of years, almost as if they’re envious or even jealous of the fact that we can go both ways – and pretty much go unnoticed – while they keep having to fight tooth and nail to defend their rights as citizens and their sexual preference, kinda like misery loving company.

      Could the author have been a lot more thorough? Yeah, I think they could have so that both sides of the issue could be presented – that’s why I wondered why no one has bothered to ask bisexuals if they think they really exist… but maybe the truth here is that the reason why no such study has been undertaken is that we do exist – duh, right? What folks are trying to do is trying to prove that we really don’t – and I just don’t see how that can be done.

      Those researchers need to have a really long talk with me…

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      • travellinginternationally

        18 November 2013 at 01:36

        I do believe studies exist but unfortunately I do not have to databases such as Lexis-Nexis or PsychInfo to find them. The type of study that has been done and the type of study you are inquiring about is something that can be fairly readily without a lot of involvement from a Bioethics committee. If you have a university library nearby that allows public access to Lexis-Nexis or PsychInfo then take advantage of it.

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      • kdaddy23

        18 November 2013 at 02:07

        As it happens, I live just a few scant blocks away from a university library so I just might take a walk and find out if they have Lexis-Nexis available – they should.

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  2. Pyx

    18 November 2013 at 15:04

    Good article indeed!
    However Indiana University (and others) do include bisexuals in their surveys – this is where you will get a lot of studies and numbers on STI and sexual habits including self-identifying such as Asexuality – however I think the authors point is valid: Why doesn’t the CDC consider bisexuality a legitimate sexual orientation and the impact this has on HIV infection rates.

    So 15 percent of the people asked do not believe bisexuality is a thing, well if we asked we would also have a number for the population that believes in Magic and fairies. There is just no way to change the way people see themselves and others, and this is really a good thing in my opinion: it is why I can host a sex blog , and it is why I can buy condoms at a store without a doctor’s note or my parents’ permission. In order for them to have the freedom of opinion I also get mine and the way we define ourselves sexually is a huge part of identity – by calling myself a hetero sexual female I am saying I am not gay.

    The comments provided by the 15 percent responders is pretty common: I have seen girls in bars sexually play around with each other to get more attention/drinks and you and I have seen it happen with swingers (going through the motions to please a man) but I am a smart person and I know that it doesn’t mean they are bisexual nor does it mean that bisexuals do not exist. We have also seen women who take great pleasure and pride in their sexuality that includes other women.

    Given social pressure for bisexuals I can understand why they would want to distinguish themselves from the people who might just be playing at it but you cannot disregard the ‘fears’ that people have about bisexuals: these people do not understand.

    Their brains are hard wired black and white when it comes to sex so the grey stuff can be pretty terrifying if you are say someone that doesn’t even have a good hold on your own sexuality – how is you are supposed to be accepting of others?!
    Are there men out there that might get down with another dude on the downlow? Sure, just as there are men that would do it with a woman, but for the person responding to the survey what they are saying is: if I caught my man with a woman I could deal, he is a dog, and I would be in the right but if I caught him with another man it would be a whole other thing entirely. I see more in the responders that deny bisexuality than the ones that accept it. We would love to believe that it is ‘Just sex’ and it should be free without constraint or regulation but we live in a world when funding, money, matters more.

    Sexuality like most things is footed in what feels good and for some people their knee jerk reaction is ‘it just feels wrong’. Is it something they could change? Sure if they wanted too but for all the sex blogs and surveys and articles on sexuality it is still something we figure out on our own by doing – fumbling in the dark with someone else and is largely to do with how it makes us feel. When they are online they are only reading articles that make sense to them, they aren’t reading your blog or mine.

    Me? My opinion is bisexuals like gays of yesterday have a hard social struggle on their hands and they should be taking on the fight themselves. I want same sex partnerships to have rights to get married but it isn’t my fight – I am not gay – so you will not see any clever banners or little symbols that show my support because the struggle is a real world one not a virtual one: I have written my state gov’t but I am not going on no march. There is something rather lame about people who think they stand for a cause by putting up a symbol instead of actions: so what are bisexuals going to do about it?

    How are you a bisexual black man going to change the world?

    A blog is one way of starting but blogs tend to lead to more bitching than doing. Writing is good don’t get me wrong, but if I were to choose one thing from your entire blog that I have not yet seen: most of your same sex encounters are about man on man sex because that is what they are but there is no indication of your female partner in them. How was she accepting? Had she been with bisexual males before? In what ways did you take her into account (if at all) when you were making plans with a man? What concerns did she have and how did you both address them? Did you both have a talk about rules or how things should work? Or did you just say I am going out with bob tonight and she had no clue?

    You see those 15 percent who do not believe bisexuality is a thing, believe something other than what we (you and me) do – having a lover who is so far removed from our spouses in not normal to them – it does appear to be sneaky, hidden, and incompatible for some women when men like yourself do not tell us ladies how you women played a role (positive or negative) because that is where our brains are coming from.

    You once linked to a blogger, a woman, that was writing about her bisexual boyfriend – but I have yet to hear the bisexual part come from a man, I hear the man on man stuff (can you blame them for seeing this as gay?) and then I hear the sex with a woman stuff ( this they will understand) but yet to hear how all three worked in unison.

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    • kdaddy23

      18 November 2013 at 16:28

      Thank you for your very wonderful comment, Pyx! You hit upon what I feel is a very important question: How am I, a bisexual Black man, going to change the world? I know that as an individual, I cannot alone change the world when it comes to this… but I can do ‘my part’ by talking about my sexuality and my experiences here on my blog and then with the hopes that those things will be read, understood, even questioned.

      I was asked about why I never write about sex with women in the same context as I do with men – and I have; you’d have to dig through quite a few blogs to find where I’ve done that and even in relationship to my sexuality. I’ve often written about how women, in particular, have dealt with knowing that I’m bi and the resistance and lack of acceptance I’ve had to deal with and usually along the lines of “Since you’re with me, you don’t need to be doing that!” or having to explain that my desire to give guys blow jobs has absolutely nothing to do with how I feel about them. I’ve written about what it’s like to be a bi guy and involved with a woman who is unaccepting; I’ve written about what it’s like to have the, “Baby, I love pussy and dick!” conversation and how it can go swimmingly and how things can go straight into the toilet. Again, you’d have to do some trolling through my writings to find these things because, um, I don’t remember all of the titles or even when I wrote them – I just know that they’re there.

      I’ve written in attempts to dispel the misconceptions I’ve heard and have had to live with, why I felt they existed, and even what could be done to take the fear out of this little-known aspect of human sexuality – but an aspect that has been around and probably for as long as gay sex has been around. I’ve written about how totally absurd it is for people to think that someone couldn’t be bisexual even though I’m aware of why they would because in this day and age, you’re either straight or gay and I’ve written that I’m not feeling any attempts to shoehorn me in one direction or the other: I’m not straight… and I’m not gay. I know this and I have and will continue to write about these things because while it may not change the world or even change the way anyone thinks, it is evidence that – in my case – Black bisexual men to exist and here are the things we have to deal with, from unaccepting people to being tagged as a major disease vector.

      I told the Monkey, when he asked me about this, that I write about being a bisexual man because someone has to and if I don’t do it, who will? I’ve read other blogs by bi guys that are all into the LGBT community thing and while this is all well and good, the things I try to contribute via my experiences is truly real world and without all the stuff I read about that goes on in the LGBT community about bisexuals.

      The women I spent the majority of my life with all knew I was bi and I was aware of their thoughts and feelings about it. At times, they weren’t too keen about me taking a moment here and there to get with another guy and, no, I never met with a guy without them knowing about it – that would be just wrong. I can’t honestly say that there were ‘rules’ in that sense but more of a thing of my knowing – and giving them my most solemn word – that I wasn’t going to be stupid and careless and wind up bringing something home to them other than myself.

      There is a great responsibility when you’re a bi male and in a relationship even though the perception is that we’re totally irresponsible.

      Taking their thoughts and feelings into account was important because even if they had objections, I wanted to hear them and, more often than not, I’d let any objections they raised take precedence and cancel the date because while I want to engage in something that there’s no way in hell they can do for me, I still had a responsibility to the three of them to do what was best for them first and foremost… but they all understood that no matter how much of that good pussy they laid on me, if I wanted to suck some dick, pussy just wasn’t going to make it go away. Indeed, they told me (individually) that they noticed that when I craved dick and didn’t get any, my whole attitude and demeanor changed and not in a good way.

      In my current relationship, my lady and I talk about my bisexuality and, yep, she’s very accepting and at times is more interested in what it’s like to be a bi guy than I am. She doesn’t prohibit me from scratching that itch, we have a ‘no anal sex’ rule which is fine since it’s not my cup of tea any longer, and the only condition added is that if I’m going to be blowing a guy, she wants to watch – and she has on a few occasions that I’ve founds someone safe and worthy.

      But in all honesty, Pyx, when I write about things bisexual, I don’t get a lot of comments or questions coming from the people who follow me so if it doesn’t cross my mind to write about a particular aspect of being bi, unless someone asks me a question about it, it doesn’t get written.

      Oh, without doubt, I am and always have been aware of the angst against bisexuals but as a single person, I have had to decide whether or not I wanted to be bothered with always having to defend myself and my choice in this and, at some point, I just stopped doing it. I may have to explain why I am… but I don’t have to always keep justifying my behavior in this nor am I going to let the opinions of others dictate my actions and more so since the general opinion is that being bisexual and male is a bad combination: It can be for some and while I’ve had my confrontations about this, I can’t say that I’ve experienced the full brunt of the general dislike toward bisexuals and, interestly enough, when I have, it’s come from gay men who want to tell me that I’m a fraud and in denial about really being gay.

      I understand the lifestyle. I happen to love certain aspect of the sex that is possible. But I also love women, my interaction with them and, without question, I love the sex that is possible. I wouldn’t want to be gay and, here of late, it’s because my life can do without all the bullshit that gay men are confronted with on a daily basis. Yes, it bothers me that bi men are being targeted as disease vectors and I’m not saying that it’s totally untrue – but I am saying and have said that it’s not entirely the truth because there are a lot of bi guys who think with the big head first and not the little one and especially when we’re involved with a woman. Again, it’s a balancing act; giving in to our urges versus keeping her safe and it’s always best to err on the side of caution and not take a guy up on his offer of sex because even with freedom to act on such things, it’s still first and foremost about preserving the relationship I’m in with her.

      It’s the thing that has always made me say that I learned that just because I can do it doesn’t mean that I have to – or that I always will.

      Shit, this response is a blog all by itself… but I’m glad you asked the questions you did ’cause I’m probably going to write a whole lot more about those questions…

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