My second foray into the TMI Tuesday craze!
1. From erotica to sex blogs everyone seems to be having intense orgasms. Do you feel like you are experiencing the same intense orgasmic waves everyone talks about?
When I learned that orgasm and ejaculation weren’t really the same thing, I also learned how to enjoy those heady sensations that would often have me looking to see if I had actually cut loose. But then, a whole lot of years later, I had a stroke and it left me with some damage and other symptoms but the really interesting thing was that having an orgasm and ejaculating got ramped up ten-fold, becoming so intense that they actually kinda scared me! At first I thought it was just ‘one of those things’ – a temporary situation since my brain was still in the early processes of rewiring itself… but, oh, hell, no: It’s not temporary and while they no longer scare me, it has brought a new meaning to the phrase “mind-shattering orgasm!”
2. At the beginning of our sexual lives, we are often let down because it feels like nothing in comparison to what we see in films and magazines. Sexual pleasure is something you learn more about as you get older. How have you learned to cultivate the pleasure that you feel?
Films and magazines are, more often than not, highly exaggerated so I’ve never seen such things and thought, “Yeah, that’s the way I want to feel!” Yep, you learn about sexual pleasure with every sexual experience and I wouldn’t say that I’ve cultivated the pleasure as much as I figured out that if I expect to feel a certain way, more often than not, I’m going to be disappointed so I simply learned to bask in whatever feelings were taking place and understanding that I can feel great pleasure even when I’m doing something to someone else – it’s not just about what someone does to you.
3. In the last 3 years, has your sexual pleasure:
b. stayed the same
c. increased, enhanced, improved
I’d have to say C because I’m always looking for ways to squeeze more pleasure out of myself or to absorb more pleasure – if you’re not gonna try to get and give as much pleasure as you can, why bother?
4. If you are feeling much more sexual pleasure than your lover do you feel the need to make up the deficit or just live in the moment and enjoy what has been given to you?
Nah, I’ve found that this puts a lot of pressure on both people to perform up to an expected standard. It’s really a big “duh” because I don’t feel things the way my lover feels them (although we do talk about this). We both understand that it’s about pleasing and being pleased and that there are, ah, environmental issues that can affect the pleasure we feel so it’s about doing the best that we can for each other and not putting a great deal of emphasis on who’s getting more pleasure or who’s being left in the dust. If we were to look at it like this, we’d wind up putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on each other which would ultimately get in the way of enjoying whatever it is we’re doing.
5. How important is it to you for you and your lover to have simultaneous orgasms?
a. not important – never thought about it
b. somewhat important – I think it would be nice to explode at the same time
c. important – that is what I ‘work’ for, cumming at the same time makes everything more intense–my orgasm, my feelings, the entire experience.
Ah, the mythical simultaneous orgasm! I know that it can happen, just like I know that when we both orgasm at the same time, yeah, it’s a damned good feeling… but, realistically, it doesn’t always happen and since we both know this, it’s not an expectation. At least for us – and from my point of view – it’s kinda like “all of the above” and then again not really because having an orgasm isn’t always the reason for making love – it’s all about the intimacy that can lead to orgasm and other releases.
Bonus: Do you think that having an orgasm is the same as sexual pleasure? Why or why not?
I’ve learned that an orgasm is a part of the pleasure, not the same as. Sure, for many of us, the ‘goal’ or purpose to having sex is to have orgasm after orgasm piled up onto us until sensory overload kicks in and we wake up and ask our partner, “What the fuck just happened?” Maybe it’s just me but sexual pleasure starts with having the desire to have sex with your partner and includes everything that can occur from beginning to end and up to and including orgasm. There is the fact that you can enjoy intense sexual pleasure without having an orgasm so, at least in my mind, this is more ‘proof’ that an orgasm isn’t the same as sexual pleasure.
I do believe, however, that a lot of us equate having that mind-blowing orgasm as the defining moment of sexual pleasure; we have had it instilled in us by various means that without orgasms, the goal of being sexually pleased has not been reached. I know that there are a lot of men who don’t believe that they can orgasm without ejaculation – even I used to think that this was one in the same until, as I mentioned, I learned otherwise. For those women who don’t experience orgasm at all, well, I don’t know if they’d say that pleasure has been fulfilled because we hear all too often of their frustration with sex because of whatever’s inhibiting their ability to orgasm – no orgasm, no pleasure.
In this, it’s my belief that we need to redefine for ourselves the meaning of sexual pleasure and I think it begins with taking a big step back and looking at our sex lives and taking what I’d call a minimalist approach: Don’t always expect the big bang but pay more attention to the little things that can, hopefully, lead up to that moment where you wind up being a quivering mass of flesh and, yeah, by any means necessary.