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My POV

20 Nov

Pyx… damned woman!  She asked another question:  How could I, a Black male bisexual, change the world?  The question was a good one and the off-the-cuff answer is that as a single person, I cannot hope to effect changes in attitude about bisexuality on a global scale.

But what I can do is speak out about it and to anyone who cares to listen; I can answer questions that I have the answers to and to all who care to ask them.  I can even provide that first experience to those who want to cut to the chase, skip all the theory, and gain knowledge through the tried and true process of experience.  And, in my own way, that’s what I’ve been doing for decades, finding some way to let people know that we sure as shit exist, that we’re not confused gay men, or a lot of the other negative things that exist where the bisexual man is concerned.  We are legion… but because we aren’t wont to step into the light as our gay brethren have done and shake our fists at the unfair treatment that gets heaped upon those who are not straight, we’re a myth, a mystery, a conundrum, and about as enigmatic as things get.  For example…

I was on a business trip and met a guy at the bar; I don’t know why he was there but I had one of those rare moments where I needed a drink after all the bullshit I had to go through to get to my destination.  Since we were the only two guests at the bar, talking to each other was just the decent thing to do and after three or four Scotch and ginger ales (twist of lemon, thank you) and Lord knows how many Tom Collins’ he had before I got there, we both revealed that we were kindred spirits:  We were both bisexual.

Once we dumped this revelation on each other – and he spilt the beans first – he was stunned and in the couple of seconds it took for him to regain his composure, I couldn’t figure out why he was so surprised… and then he told me that as far as he knew, there was no such thing as a bisexual Black man.  You’d think that would be one of those “Duh!” moments, wouldn’t you?  But it really wasn’t because he, as a bisexual, not only had never encountered one, he had never heard of one.

And, yeah, if you’re wondering, we did go to my room and find out how bisexual we both were.  During a break in the action, he told me about the stereotype we’ve all probably heard a million or more times:  Black men are homophobic – well, for the most part since he was aware of gay Black men and then only those he’d see on pornos… but to actually be in bed with a Black guy who liked dick and pussy?  Unheard of!

I have met guys who couldn’t believe that there are men who love pussy… but they love dick in some way as well, men who act as if they’re gay but, no, that’s not really the truth.  But I let them know that, yeah, such men do exist, by word or by deed, to let them know that you don’t have to put a price on your sexual happiness, that there are other pleasures to be had other than that wonderful stuff we call pussy; that’s there’s really no shame in sucking another man’s dick or having a guy suck theirs and, if it struck their fancy, no real shame in fucking another man or being fucked in return.

To put it to them in no uncertain terms that while you might be having gay sex when it comes to men, it by no means makes you gay which, of course, is a very real fear for a lot of men (their religious beliefs notwithstanding).  Some of them get it and some don’t but if they didn’t know, now they know even if they didn’t want to find out first hand.

I spent a lot of time in MSN chat rooms (when they had the grown-up rooms) talking to and even advising married men who felt they were bisexual but weren’t able to pull the trigger, talking to them about the difficulties in coming out, what it’s like to suck dick or be fucked for the first time – I even found some stuff that would tell those who asked how to suck cock in some rather lurid detail for those who wanted to know what to do but were far away from that first encounter with another man.

I even had a very long discussion with a priest who was bisexual and didn’t believe it conflicted with his religious duty or calling – it was educational like you wouldn’t have believed.  I learned a lot of stuff through these interactions with these men who, in turn, learned a lot from me – that Black bisexual dude who was thought to be nonexistent because we’re all homophobic.

Man, I was so pissed when MSN took those adult chat rooms away!  But it wasn’t until I found myself on a swinger site forum and debating the pros and cons of being a male bisexual and a swinger that I started to feel as if I was on a mission of some kind to dispel the myths and cut through all of the bullshit you hear about bi guys and, most of all, to prove and show that if a bi guy didn’t tell you that he was bi, you’d never know it and, thus, it didn’t make us any different from the straight dudes out there… except how we like to scratch our itches.

We are good husbands and fathers, responsible and even law-abiding citizens and all that other good shit that people suggest that we can’t be; yet, all of the bad apples that also live in our particular barrel have sullied what it means to be a male bisexual because, no, no one’s perfect nor does everyone use the best possible judgment when it comes to sex and, yeah, some guys have and will screw the pooch in a very big way and it affects someone like me, someone who has never gotten into ‘trouble’ because I’m bisexual.

Then I was introduced to blogging and, well, most of you know how that turned out.  While I did not come here as an unofficial advocate of male bisexuality and push some LGBT-like agenda, this is a place where I found that I could share my experiences and simply because they were on my mind and writing about them (and all that other stuff I wrote) was really good physical and occupational therapy for me.  It allowed me to read the blogs of others who had questions, concerns, whatever, about male bisexuality… and I had some answers and commented as such.

At one point, I was going to keep blogging but not write another word about being bisexual, not because of a lack of an audience but because I didn’t think there was no longer a point in writing about it… and I said to myself – and rather loudly, “Oh, fuck that – I’m gonna keep writing about it because even if it does nothing for anyone else, it does something for me!”  I don’t really need a million comments every time I write about being bisexual although, like any other writer, um, it would be kinda nice because everyone who blogs at least wants to know that someone is reading what’s being written.

I could talk about the sex from now until the cows and the sheep come home… but one of the things I learned over these many years is that while people can easily guess what we might do when it’s boy-on-boy, few people actually have an idea of what goes on in a bi guy’s mind about it along with the other issues I’ve run into that didn’t include having someone incorrectly calling me a faggot – that had me tell a guy, “Hmm, I don’t know… your wife didn’t think I was a faggot after I fucked her last night…”

That was better than punching him in the face which is what I wanted to do… but I digress further than I want to.  Yeah, I realized that by sharing my sexuality with all who cared to read about, I was sharing a whole lot, maybe too much, and readers would get to know about a side of me that, really, not a whole lot of people really know.  I realized that in a lot of ways, my sexuality is a part of my legacy as a human being even though as a single, Black and male bisexual, I’m no more than a drop of water in a very large ocean… but if I can make a splash, why the fuck not?

Maybe I make a difference… and maybe not but if I don’t try, then how can I make a difference?  I’m not going to live long enough or have that kind of clout to change the world, Pyx… but I can try to change one mind at a time whenever and wherever I can because if I don’t, who will?  And if not now, then when?

 
4 Comments

Posted by on 20 November 2013 in Life, Living and Loving

 

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4 responses to “My POV

  1. lifeofalovergirl

    21 November 2013 at 00:00

    I personally find your discussions about male bisexuality fascinating, because, you’re right, its a topic most people want to keep hush hush. I really dont get all the stigma against it, especially in the swinger community. Why is it that even sexually open people are so afraid of bi men?

    Like

     
    • kdaddy23

      21 November 2013 at 00:26

      Thank you – I’m glad you find it fascinating! The stigma has a lot to do with the fact that it’s gay sex and while straight guys don’t ever want to be seen as being gay, neither do bisexual men. When it comes to swinging, that stigma gets amplified big time because the fear a lot of straight men have is that they’ll be throwing down with a woman or a couple of women and then, out of the blue, the bi guy is just going to go after his cock without permission; the perception – which is worse than the truth – is that bi guys have no self-control or are prone to ignoring the straight guy’s mandate that he not be touched outside of incidental contact, which can’t be helped if there’s some space issues. A straight guy in the mix wouldn’t object if the bi guy put a hand on him in order to steady himself (or to steady the straight guy so he doesn’t fall on someone) – but if the bi guy got anywhere near his dick or made some other kind of ‘intimate’ move, the shit’s gonna hit the fan.

      Then you factor in all the stuff going around about HIV/AIDS and that’s enough to make anyone nervous and cautious… except swingers, more than other people I know, seem to think that if you’re bi, you come pre-loaded with the virus – you’re already infected even if you’ve played it safe whenever you’ve played with other men.

      Oddly, it’s been my experience that swinging women are okay with a bi guy in the bed with them – but not all, of course, whether because of her own views or the ones her man has imposed on her.

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  2. Pyx

    22 November 2013 at 03:44

    Well my question was certainly answered – the only thing we have that live beyond us is our stories and I think more bisexual men should share if they are able and willing, because out there is someone who might be confused, angry or simply hurt trying to find some sense in a virtual world.

    Leading by example is often the only thing that can be done, and though you write prolifically on the man and man part, my curiosity about your female partners was because the other question out there is: how we as women consider bisexual men. However we manage it what we read can impact the way we consider things in our everyday lives.

    I am certainly glad you took the time to write these entries out but I do look forward perhaps a more even involvement in the future, with your writings, having them all together like this is great for me but we all know that readers rarely look back – so I beg you to now and again involve your women in your stories and spread it out, keep it a part of the conversation because after all, as you say, you love both cock and pussy.

    As for the swinger comment from lifeof and yourself – the reason I choose to not involve bisexual men in my swinging is because statistically they do have higher numbers of infection rates with STI’s, not just AIDS/HIV. I can also admit that my husband has a preference for not having bi men involved, but when I am dating someone it is a question I ask and to this day have not dated a bisexual male. I have issues with germs enough as it is, I still look at most swingers of a particular age (baby boomers) as potentially dangerous the numbers of them that carry HepC and do not even know it – its scary. I see all penis as dirty dip stick and it takes me a while to get over that…

    I want to enjoy sex, I do not want it to kill me and though some people think they can just go and get treated when an infection shows up it is a great source of pride and a testament to my character that I have never had so much as a yeast infection. I am not looking down on those that have suffered from infections, they happen and there are more ways to catch one then just sex but I play the numbers – always have always will – and bisexual men pose a higher risk to me and that in turns leads to a risk to my husband and my other partners.

    I will also admit something else, my sexuality is footed in my version of kink and I know I am incapable of separating what people do in the bedroom from who they are out of it: I have never dated a submissive man, I just can’t. This might explain why I cannot involve myself with bisexual men, not saying they are submissive, but being the visual creature I am I will always see him sucking cock. I don’t know… certainly someone in my past might have not told me the truth but I certainly appreciate those that do: this too remains a great source of fear for me though some people have their own identity struggles hiding the truth impedes me from making good choices.

    Though I very well might have my prejudice against it in my life, I certainly do not deny the right to others – I am not gay but they too have rights. It does not stop me from being friends with bisexual/gay people but like the whole same sex marriage thing: bisexuality is not my fight. The only part I could play in that struggle is accept that someone sees themselves as bisexual, not impede his right to enjoy his sexuality and to ensure others do not as well … but if you guys aren’t talking about it other than a graphic cock on cock kind of endeavour it is hard for me to wrap my head around: that is why I asked so where are the women in this. We girls do like the emotional stuff that goes along with relationships.

    Thank you, I really appreciate this again, I think I can appreciate the partner that shared an active role in your bisexuality (it did sound hot) and then I kind of thought the other partners who didn’t want to see it or hear about it – but didn’t stop you at the door – were just coping as best as they could. We cannot force people to accept us and sometimes the ‘out of sight out of mind’ can work for a while but it must have also been difficult for you both at times.

    These have been good entries and my eyes are now crossed from so much reading LOL

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    • kdaddy23

      22 November 2013 at 14:51

      @Pyx, I’m pleased that you’re pleased with my writings on this! Let me say something to you about statistical probability, if I may? See, the comment you made about bi men and swinging is right along the lines of what swingers seem to think about bi men and the other reason why we’re avoided like the plague. For example, with all the unprotected sex I’ve ever had with men, I have never had an STD and, yes, I have been tested for HIV/AIDS and I’m about as negative as one can be. But the assumption, as I’ve probably mentioned, is that in a swinging setting, if I give the other guy some head, he’s instantly going to be infected by something I know I don’t have because, at least where I live, if you’re infected with HIV/AIDS and you don’t tell a sexual partner that you are, you can be charged with attempted murder – ain’t no dick or pussy in the world worth getting hit with that!

      Swingers, more than any group I know of, are always quoting the statistics in defense of their dislike of bisexual men – it’s a blanket condemnation. Okay, sure, it’s better to err on the side of caution… but to assume that the bi guy who wants to have some great sex with you is infected by some kind of weird default is just fear mongering at its worst because the virus, as I understand it, just doesn’t appear out of nowhere; you have to be infected by someone who’s been infected… but if you listen to swingers, bi men have always been infected… which assumes – and incorrectly so, that everyone is a carrier for the virus and that includes women as well.

      Doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it? And if you knew what a woman’s vaginal secretions were made of, you’d know that her coochie is way ‘dirtier’ than a guy’s cock is; indeed, if you love sucking dick, your mouth is even filthier than your pussy is – and no amount of mouthwash can change that bit of biochemistry so, statistically, I stand a better chance of getting some kind of infection while you’re satisfying your desire to suck dick.

      In this, we truly tend to let our fears make us foolish; yet, in the face of this, people are fucking even more than ever before, protected or not, aren’t they? It’s been suggested that everyone get tested for HIV/AIDS and other things – like chlamydia, which is some bad business but doesn’t always show symptoms – even if you’re sexually monogamous because, duh, you can, in theory, go to your lab of choice for blood work and get infected with something and despite sterilization protocols.

      Baby girl, sucking dick is not a submissive act – where in the world did you get such a notion? Women suck dick all the time and while I don’t know what others think, I know that I don’t see a woman doing that to me as her being submissive – that doesn’t make sense to me even though I understand the concept. Having said that, I have had guys who are submissive sexually and, really, I have never been able to sense any difference between being sucked off by a submissive bottom or a more dominant kind of guy – sucking dick, as I’ve come to understand it, is all about the desire one has to do it.

      I can tell you with a great deal of certainty that I am not submissive in this. Okay, let’s get literal for a moment; if you agree to have sex with anyone, you are submitting to it. If I’m going to go down on you, you are submitting yourself to the act so there is some fallacy going on here that has nothing to do with D/s stuff, if you really want to nitpick it.

      But even with your admission – and I do appreciate you sharing this during this conversation – you are displaying the same prejudice a lot of women have about bisexual men; they don’t think about the fact that this guy actually spends more time boning the shit out of her than he does having sex with men – but all they can see is the guy sucking dick and being fucked and then they often get it into their heads that he prefers this action with men more than he does with her or even other women. And, really, if that were the case, he’d be gay and wouldn’t even bother to have sex with her – I still haven’t met a gay guy who likes pussy.

      But this is also why I write about this subject because I’ve heard all of the dumb shit that surrounds bisexuality and I guess I’ve taken it upon myself to show people that whatever it is they’re thinking about bi men, they’ve been sorely misinformed. If you really want to know what a bi guy is like, find a bi guy and ask him – but don’t assume that all bi men are gonna be like him, either – that’s like saying all women are the same when you know good and damned well that they aren’t. It’s the thing that makes me say over and over that perception is worse than the truth – and no one wants to hear the truth and it’s gotten so bad at this point in our evolution that even when someone hears the truth, they won’t accept it because the perception is a hell of a lot more fearful and intimidating to many sensibilities.

      Grrr!

      Like

       

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