After having a late lunch, it’s gutter time – kind of! Armed with a fresh cup of Tully’s Hawaiian Blend, I got to thinking about how my sexuality affects the way I look at people. I have my own sense of aesthetic appreciation – what looks good to me and what might trigger unsettling feelings inside of me but a sense that kinda makes my duality operate differently.
I can look at a woman – any woman – and my mind will automatically start cataloging what’s nice about her and what might not be while the straight guy part of me will entertain what it might be like to have sex with her – hey, it’s a guy thing, okay? Consciously, having sex with her isn’t really on my mind – I just know how my brain works and a lot of ‘numbers’ gets crunched in my head and it’ll decide that, yes, it might be nice to do her or, no, I wouldn’t do her with my worst enemy’s dick. I’ve taught myself to see a woman’s outer beauty with as little prejudice as possible even as the horny motherfucker that lives inside of me is wondering what she looks like naked and a lot of sexual things.
It’s that part of me that makes me say, at times, “God, I love being a man!”
I can see men and my mind will, again, absently note what I can see about him, whether it thinks he’s handsome, plain, whatever while the horny part is wondering what his cock looks like. And while I’m not exactly crotch watching – that would be rude and more so if you got caught doing it – I’ve caught myself wondering what it would be like to wrap my hand around him, to feel him grow hard in my hand just before I lower my mouth onto him to answer the question of what he might taste like.
It doesn’t make me want to jump his bones but it does give me a warm, comfortable feeling as if it’s a reminder that I do, indeed, like dick just as it reminds me that, in this, there are two sides to me that are using different values and they meld together in a way that also serves to remind me that, yeah, I’m bisexual and being able to look at men and women in similar ways is quite comforting.
In a lot of ways, everyone is eye candy to me, a point I was reminded of when I was in the DR and either at the pool or the couple of times I was on the beach, seeing all those scantily clad bodies of all shapes and sizes and just allowing the horny bastard in my head to have a field day thinking about being naked with them but with the knowledge that while I find the female form a lot more fun to play with, when it comes to guys, the thing about them that interests me the most is whatever he might have between his legs.
I’ve had gay guys criticize me for not looking at men and swooning over them as I might a woman; it’s not that I don’t believe that the emotional side of bisexuality – that affinity for men you’ve seen me mention – doesn’t exist because it does. I’ve ‘confessed’ that there was a time in my life where I swore that I’d never be able to fall in love with a man… but I did so going forward, I’m never going to say that it couldn’t happen again… but until it does – and if it ever does – yeah, dude, let me see your dick because that’s the one thing about you that can get my blood simmering if not boiling – it depends on where my head is at that precise moment.
I had to learn that there was nothing wrong with tailoring the guy side of me to the things I liked and didn’t like and, yeah, you tend to find this out via trial and error just as you would with a woman. I’ve had straight guys tell me that I can’t possibly be bisexual because I prefer not to have anal sex either way; of course, they’re assuming that all bi guys have anal sex and that’s just not true. To be for-real, I’ve had what I’d call my fair share of anal sex with a guy on both sides of that coin and I’d be lying my ass off if I said that I never enjoyed fucking and being fucked, just as I’d be lying if I were to say that every experience with this was porn-perfect, you know, every time you do it, it’s always good and satisfying. Verily I say unto you, there are bi and gay guys who just assume that if they’re into anal sex, you are, too; this, again, isn’t always true and, uh-huh, I’ve pissed off quite a few guys by refusing to fuck them or be fucked by them.
I’ve written before about times where I’ve had a cock in my ass and I’m lying there wishing that he’d hurry up and cum so I could get this error in judgment dealt with in my head, experiences that are not all that dissimilar to what women go through almost as a matter of course. I have been happily sucking away on a guy’s dick and, somewhere along the line, I’m not so happy about doing it – maybe it’s something he said or did or maybe it was just something that hit me that got me thinking that doing this to him wasn’t a great idea – and I’ve never really gotten a grip on what exactly that could be. So it’s hurry up and make him cum and get this over with… which reminds me of something, namely, the question of if I wasn’t feeling it for whatever reason, why not just stop and don’t pass go? It’s a good question, too, and the answer is that I should go ahead and finish what I started because while I could stop and recover my dignity (or whatever’s bugging me), it doesn’t feel right not to finish him off and, besides, finishing the job prevents a confrontation that I’d rather avoid and one that could wind up getting very violent.
Been there, done that, don’t want to go there again. Besides, chances are good that he doesn’t know I’m not feeling it and if he’s not the one who caused my discomfiture, why punish him for it? Yeah, it’s a weird way to behave but this, too, has taught me to understand why women will often continue to have sex with someone even if their switch has been switched to the off position – it makes sense and in ways that’s kinda hard to fully verbalize.
One of the things I’ve come to understand – but I think is funny – is a guy’s assertion that he “doesn’t like men like that,” a sentiment borne out of the misconception that you’d have to be into a guy or otherwise attracted to him in order to have sex with him. I’ve countered this assertion by asking, “Who says you have to? All you have to do is like him enough to have sex with him!” And, duh, the reason why I say this is because I know you don’t have to drool all over him like you would a woman – it’s not even necessary. If you like the guy – and we’re talking personality or as much about him as you can find out and you feel/believe that he can be trusted, then you do what everyone who has sex does in this situation: You roll the dice and hope that you made the right decision.
Even back in the younger days when I was pretty much a cock whore, if I didn’t like you or trust you, I wasn’t giving you any and, of course, I learned to refine this process as I got older and more experienced.
I was thinking whether or not it’s easier to pick up a guy or being selected by a guy. Honestly, I’ve never had much success in picking up men because it always seemed to me that whenever I purposely went looking for dick, I could never find any and, yeah, when you go to a gay bar and can’t find a guy to have sex with, you know you’re luck ain’t even close to hitting on all cylinders!
Outside of my cock whore moments, I have spent more time being picked up or just stumbling upon a guy to have sex with, often being able to indulge myself and with guys who I would have never guessed such a thing would be possible. Sometimes we act as if a willing cock can’t just drop into our laps but, yeah, sometimes they do just that. I used to wonder (and sometimes still do) how a guy who’s hitting on me for sex knows that I’m not gonna jump up and snap kick him in the nuts – then it dawned on me that maybe he had some sense I’d be agreeable or, more likely, he had no idea; he saw me, saw something he liked, and decided to roll the dice.
From the moment he hits on me, I have a few minutes to analyze him and decide (a) if I want to be bothered with listening to his indecent proposal or (b) feel like having sex with a guy – no, they are not mutually inclusive because I might want to hear what he has to say even though I already know that I’m not going to have sex with him. And, yeah, there was a brief period of time where I’d go somewhere and with the hopes some guy would hit on me. Today, I don’t even think about such situations, relegating it the “if it happens, it happens” folder.
But in that moment that I become aware of him, I’m already dissecting him: What does he look like? What is his body language saying? Does he smell and look clean? Does he have some intelligence ping-ponging between his ears? Amiable? Delightfully crude? Hopelessly without tact, class, and just downright boorish? Is he confident? Introverted? Does he ‘feel’ masculine or is his feminine side a little more dominant?
Is he pushy? Condescending? Violating my personal space without being ‘invited’? Does he sound sincere? Is he trying to bullshit a bullshitter? Jeez, there are so many things that are going through my mind in the instance the guy asks, “Do you mind if I sit here?” or the equivalent where opening lines are concerned. I found – and kinda embarrassingly so – that when a guy’s trying to pick me up, I know why it can annoy the shit out of women; I’m wondering if I can trust and feel safe with him throughout whatever he’s proposing… or do I have a sense that he’s gonna be a problem and one that I’m not going to want to deal with… or wind up dealing with in a manner that’s going to be unpleasant?
Notice that during this process I’m not wondering whether or not he’s any good in bed; I’m not wondering if he’s got a big dick or anything like that and if he’s what most people consider to be good-looking, nah, that’s not a factor in the lightning-quick evaluation process that’s taking place even as he asks if he can buy me another drink. And yeah, with equal embarrassment, I’ve actually sat and listened to his pitch, giving him a chance to convince me that going to bed with him isn’t going to be a bad thing for me to do… just like some women do.
My version of discerning taste centers on what he wants to do and why he wants to do it with me. After I’ve done my threat assessment, it’s now about what’s going on in his head. Is he just looking for a piece of ass, literally and figuratively, or is he looking for more than just that? Is he gay… or is he another bi guy doing what we all find hard to do – find someone to be bi with? Again, a lot of the decision process depends on how I feel – and chances are I really don’t want to be bothered… but maybe there’s something about him that awakens the beast inside of me and gets me to thinking whether or not I’m going to enjoy sucking down the contents of his balls?
When I’ve had guys come right out of the blue and hint or directly ask to do something with me, that’s a different set of protocols, for lack of a better word. Again, I’m idly wondering what was it that made him feel that he could approach me with this – and it doesn’t matter if I knew him already or not and, yeah, whether I do or not does make a difference internally but the situation usually makes me do two things: Ask him why he wants to do this with me and then try to talk him out of it.
Yeah, you read that right. You see, chances are good that I’m not going to mind giving him the experience he wants, whether it’s his first or not but with some guys, I’d rather not see them do something that they may have serious regrets about later so I’ve kinda gotten into the habit of asking, “Are you really sure you want to do this?” Yeah, I’ve had guys say that they are sure… only to have them chicken out at the moment of truth. I don’t hold it against them and I’ll even make it a point to let him know that it’s okay to change your mind at the last-minute because if you now think that you can’t do it, then maybe you shouldn’t try to do it. Still, it’s not about anything else about the guy other than what, if anything, is on his mind about wanting to do this; maybe other bi guys don’t think this is important but it is to me – it’s not a situation that I take lightly because I know it could affect him badly.
Yep, I really do care if this is going to fuck with him or not and more so if this is going to be his first time. I’ve learned over the years – and from the experiences of others – that this can go badly for the novice because there are guys who will just have sex with them without any concerns other than getting his rocks off and then leave the novice high and dry with conflicting and confusing emotions that are so hard to deal with. So, in this situation and provided he doesn’t chicken out, I will suck his dick – if he wants to suck mine at this point is just a huge bonus – and I will actually ‘keep a close eye’ on him for any signs of emotional distress. I will make him cum and once we both settle down, the first thing out of my mouth will be, “Are you okay?”
Yeah, sometimes I think I care too much about the other guy’s sensibilities at this point but I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of an uncaring man’s lust and it doesn’t feel good so I have this sense of responsibility that demands that I make sure he has made it through this without any issues and if he has them way after the fact, well, he can always come back and talk to me about them.
It’s just the right thing to do under the “treat others as you’d want to be treated” rule. It’s about taking responsibility not only for his pleasure but caring about him as a person and not just a hard dick. It’s about being able to deal with the consequences of my actions – I can only think of maybe one or two times when this didn’t go over well for the other guy and it’s just wrong to allow him to deal with whatever he’s feeling about this by himself and more so since I obviously assisted in making him feel whatever way he’s feeling.
My tastes are about personality, intent, and mindset more than his looks and it’s definitely about the size of his dick; if his head is in the right place and I feel like doing something with him, then we can do this; otherwise, you get a pleasant apology for my refusal.
There are those who’d say that the way I handle my sexuality is inconsistent with the perception of what a bi guy always does, like, jump on any dick that’s available, falling in love or otherwise being attached to the guy, that we’re all about anal sex, and other things that, at least to me, doesn’t fit the way I’ve come to enjoy my sexuality. I outgrew that jump on any dick that’s available thing; I’ve fallen in love once but haven’t been attached to any guy since then and I took anal sex off my list of things to do a long time ago. Because I don’t behave in the way some folks think a bi guy should behave doesn’t change the fact that I still love pussy and still very much love sucking dick. I’ve taken bisexuality and made it my own, defining and refining it over years of actual experience and input from other guys like me.
I’m not ‘heteroflexible’ or “bi with the right person” – this label makes me laugh because, of course, you’re only going to be bi with the right person – or “socially bi:” I am bisexual. The way I go about being bi doesn’t allow me to skirt or deny that this is what I am because my sexuality is defined by how I feel about men and women and what I’m likely to do in either situation – but in the way that works best for me and not in any way someone else thinks it should.
I might be bisexual and a perpetually horny bastard… but I do have discerning tastes.