The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

21 Nov

Nope, not the Clint Eastwood movie that helped launch him to fame; this is about being a male bisexual.  As I sit and sip on my Millstone Hazelnut Creme coffee, I’m thinking about what’s good about being bisexual and the first thing that pops in is that it can be rather liberating, freeing one up from being restricted to just heterosexual sex, not that wrecking shop on some coochie is a bad thing.  It can be emotionally liberating as well and more so if the “Am I bi?” question has been roaming around in your head; being able to have that question answered can take a load off – and I do mean literally and figuratively.

Then there’s the sex and whether this part is good, bad, or ugly all depends on what you’ve decided to get into and, of course, who you do it with.  I know from my own experiences that you can get with a guy one time and it’s everything you ever hoped it would be and the next time you get busy, you can find yourself wishing that you had never agreed to have sex with the guy because the vibe and the sex wasn’t as good as promised; I also know that you can get with that guy who just makes having sex an emotional nightmare as well as a physical one.

If you are fortunate enough to have a woman who is also bisexual, that alone opens up more areas of commonality between you or, as I like to say, “You know like I know!”  Indeed, some of the emotionally pleasing things about being hooked up like this is that you can talk to your woman about sucking dick, eating pussy, and being fucked because of the fact that you have a broader piece of common ground to stand  and build upon where your relationship is concerned.  It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to now shake things up and open up your relationship in order for both of you to enjoy both sides of your shared sexuality but, of course, that is quite possible and doable.

At this high level, there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot that’s really good, not that it’s easy to quantify bisexuality… but this inability to see a whole lot of good is rather daunting and when compared against the bad and the ugly, it can make being a male bisexual appear to be a fruitless endeavor.

The bad is a deep hole in which a lot of male bisexuals find themselves trying to climb out of, beginning with the lack of acceptance and understanding of the simple fact that you’re not straight but you’re not gay either.  There’s the hassle of trying to find someone suitable to indulge yourself with and if you’re hooked up in a relationship, you could be on lockdown for the duration of your relationship unless, of course, you want to take the off-ramp to the DL and deal with the shit you can find there as well as having to always be reminded that you’ve cheated on your partner.

Emotionally, one could have an identity crisis or, probably a lot more accurate, a gender crisis.  I know that I’m male both physically and emotionally but I’ve read where some guys have found reason to question this and, honestly, I really don’t pretend to understand why.  A lot of the blogs I’ve read about bisexuality get deeply into gender identity and the gender binary and if that isn’t enough to bake your noodle to a crispy crunch, getting into the LGBT community thing, while being helpful, could also serve to confuse things even more since there are some factions within the community who insist that bisexuals don’t exist and they’re really gay… but don’t want to admit it.

The bad also includes the general perception of male bisexuals and, no, it’s not a pretty picture; it’s also difficult to escape being lumped in with the bad apples that has given rise to the perception that we’re sex-crazed lunatics, irresponsible, and careless, just roaming around in pack and foisting ourselves on anyone we can have sex with.  The bad could also include being nitpicky about being bisexual – it’s really more like subjecting yourself to mental trauma because a lot of bisexuals do not like the fact that they fit the general definition and launch into what I can only call a form of denial as they seek to reinvent this side of their sexuality in order not to fit the general definition… even though their actions do.

The bad highlights a disturbing statistic, that being there are a lot of HIV/AIDS infected bisexual men on the loose, lending to the perception that if you were to have sex with a male bisexual, you’re going to be infected.  I’ve found this to be one of those slow-blinking moments because it presumes that the guy is infected and always has been… even if he chooses his partners carefully and has always engaged in safe sex and that would include using condoms for oral sex.  This bad thing migrates itself into the ugly because there’s really no escaping the fact that bi guys have gotten themselves infected and have, in turn, infected others and the knowledge that this is happening dumps a lot of fuel onto the fire, accelerating the already present fear of this intractable disease.

One of the bad things for me has always been being unable to find other men to simply talk about being bisexual.  Back in the early days, this was always an issue because I just had to know that, honestly and truly, I wasn’t alone in this, that there were other men who felt the way I did and who enjoyed the things I did.  The bad within the bad is that while there are plenty of bi men around, they’d rather not talk about being bi and, in fact, prefer to remain hidden; given the high degree of angst against gay men (and some other factors), this made sense but was still troublesome until I eventually settled for the fact that there’s no way I’m the only one who has this duality about them.

It’s a bad thing for a lot of bi guys I’ve managed to run across over the years; they’re not so much worried about not being able to have sex with another dude – it’s the odd sense of isolation and even loneliness that seems to hang around when you’re stuck in the middle.  You’re like any other guy… but not really because even if no one else knows it or suspects, you’re not straight… but not gay.  And, sure, it’s pretty bad when you want to have sex with another guy and trying to find someone proves to be difficult, if not impossible.

The ugly is what it is.  There are a lot of homophobic people in the world and I’ve experienced their ire from mild encounters to ones that have gotten violent.  They see bisexuals and gays – and this includes lesbians and even transsexuals – as a clear and present danger to the straight way of life and some have resorted to murder and torture to show their displeasure.  I know things can get ugly when a gay man starts going out of his way to insist that he knows I’m really gay and that I should stop faking the funk, give up being with women, and allow myself to be seduced by the gay side; I’ve had some hellacious verbal arguments with such people and, sadly, a couple of times, I’ve had to defend myself against what I perceive is an irrational mindset and a lot of audacity:  How the fuck are you gonna tell me that I’m really gay when what’s in my head says that I’m not?  You trying to tell me that you know something about me that I don’t?  How the hell is that possible… and how dare you assume that you know me like that?

But, you see, a lot of this is purely based on one’s actions, i.e., if you have sex like a gay man, then you must be really gay.  In this case, bi guys know that we’re not that duck, simply and obviously because we know (even if those certain gay men don’t) that we love pussy and, in a lot of cases, more than we love dick.

Sometimes, the bad and the ugly are interchangeable… or it’s more like things can go from bad to worse and in almost every aspect.  What’s important is that as a male bisexual, you define what this means to you – then stick to your guns and not allow all the negatives to sway you.  It’s about trying to surround yourself with people who can be comfortable with your sexuality should you see fit to let them know – this part is also quite problematic where coming out is concerned.  This can get ugly because a lot of people are of a mind that you should either be straight or gay – so you shouldn’t act as if you’re both.


At the moment, I can’t think of anything else to say about this and it’s probably time to climb back into the gutter later on…


Posted by on 21 November 2013 in Life, Living and Loving


Tags: , ,

3 responses to “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

  1. astraltravler

    22 November 2013 at 14:23

    Dear KDaddy,
    I enjoy all you postings in particular your postings the last few days. Because I can relate. My husband exhibits many sexual preferences. I find them to be a turn on for me, and I encourage him 100%. As he encourages me. I resent my sexual preferences being labeled. I can understand within the community identifying a particular gender identification. However to classify me anything other than bi-sexual just doesn’t make sense. To say I’m Lesbian is not correct as I love being with men, as much as women. I know I’m the Proud Mother of a gay son. I knew when he was about 18 months old. There was just something I felt in my heart. My son only wants to engage in a relationship with another man. Our Son was brought up in an open loving home that was accepting of his sexuality it was encouraged. Because we love him for who he is, and I’m happy to say that he is comfortable in his skin and his identity. It just breaks my heart, and makes me angry when I hear about teens that are gay or experiencing gender identity conflict that are troubled because their parents are Not Accepting. Sorry for the rant and off topic. The point is why are we so focused on these F*#%ing sexual labels? We are who we are why is their a need to be labeled or fit within a criteria when it comes to our sexuality. BTW We are very much like minded, and I dig it 😄
    Your Friend,
    Anastasia 😊


    • kdaddy23

      22 November 2013 at 15:06

      Dearest Anastasia, thank you for your comments and I am pleased that you see fit to chime in on my writings. Ah, man, see, this hissy fit people have with labels just drives me nuts. I understand that people have this self-image of who they are and all of that, just like I know that when this is seen by others, their behavior fits certain patterns that, in this case, have been around for as long as humans have been having sex. They get bent because of this: If you like having sex with men and women, then you’re bisexual… but most people don’t think of themselves like that… and if you told me this about yourself (and it seems you did), I would either think (most likely) or say (if we could talk to each other like that) that you’re bisexual because your actions fit the description.

      And people just get all in a denial mode about it, which to me is insane and more so when they are living proof that the definition fits their behavior and, oh, yeah, they aren’t the only one who does. I fit the description and since I know I do, I see no reason to get bent out of shape unless, of course, you say that I’m gay – and I know good and damned well that I am not; them’s fighting words!

      Switching to parental mode, two of my three children are bisexual – and I don’t have a problem with it because when we had the sex talk, I didn’t hide being bi from them because no matter how I might have expected them to behave, the decision of how they’re gonna have sex is, ultimately, up to them – and it’s better that they be able to make an informed decision than to find out the way I did. If my parents had bothered to explain all of this to me instead of telling me what I’d better not do, who knows what decision I would have made?

      So I give you huge props for your mindset toward your husband and especially your gay child – and you’re dealing with it in a manner that I approve of and agree that all parents should be more accepting than they are!

      And I’m glad that you find us to be very much like-minded – that really works for me!



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