Nope, not the Clint Eastwood movie that helped launch him to fame; this is about being a male bisexual. As I sit and sip on my Millstone Hazelnut Creme coffee, I’m thinking about what’s good about being bisexual and the first thing that pops in is that it can be rather liberating, freeing one up from being restricted to just heterosexual sex, not that wrecking shop on some coochie is a bad thing. It can be emotionally liberating as well and more so if the “Am I bi?” question has been roaming around in your head; being able to have that question answered can take a load off – and I do mean literally and figuratively.
Then there’s the sex and whether this part is good, bad, or ugly all depends on what you’ve decided to get into and, of course, who you do it with. I know from my own experiences that you can get with a guy one time and it’s everything you ever hoped it would be and the next time you get busy, you can find yourself wishing that you had never agreed to have sex with the guy because the vibe and the sex wasn’t as good as promised; I also know that you can get with that guy who just makes having sex an emotional nightmare as well as a physical one.
If you are fortunate enough to have a woman who is also bisexual, that alone opens up more areas of commonality between you or, as I like to say, “You know like I know!” Indeed, some of the emotionally pleasing things about being hooked up like this is that you can talk to your woman about sucking dick, eating pussy, and being fucked because of the fact that you have a broader piece of common ground to stand and build upon where your relationship is concerned. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to now shake things up and open up your relationship in order for both of you to enjoy both sides of your shared sexuality but, of course, that is quite possible and doable.
At this high level, there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot that’s really good, not that it’s easy to quantify bisexuality… but this inability to see a whole lot of good is rather daunting and when compared against the bad and the ugly, it can make being a male bisexual appear to be a fruitless endeavor.
The bad is a deep hole in which a lot of male bisexuals find themselves trying to climb out of, beginning with the lack of acceptance and understanding of the simple fact that you’re not straight but you’re not gay either. There’s the hassle of trying to find someone suitable to indulge yourself with and if you’re hooked up in a relationship, you could be on lockdown for the duration of your relationship unless, of course, you want to take the off-ramp to the DL and deal with the shit you can find there as well as having to always be reminded that you’ve cheated on your partner.
Emotionally, one could have an identity crisis or, probably a lot more accurate, a gender crisis. I know that I’m male both physically and emotionally but I’ve read where some guys have found reason to question this and, honestly, I really don’t pretend to understand why. A lot of the blogs I’ve read about bisexuality get deeply into gender identity and the gender binary and if that isn’t enough to bake your noodle to a crispy crunch, getting into the LGBT community thing, while being helpful, could also serve to confuse things even more since there are some factions within the community who insist that bisexuals don’t exist and they’re really gay… but don’t want to admit it.
The bad also includes the general perception of male bisexuals and, no, it’s not a pretty picture; it’s also difficult to escape being lumped in with the bad apples that has given rise to the perception that we’re sex-crazed lunatics, irresponsible, and careless, just roaming around in pack and foisting ourselves on anyone we can have sex with. The bad could also include being nitpicky about being bisexual – it’s really more like subjecting yourself to mental trauma because a lot of bisexuals do not like the fact that they fit the general definition and launch into what I can only call a form of denial as they seek to reinvent this side of their sexuality in order not to fit the general definition… even though their actions do.
The bad highlights a disturbing statistic, that being there are a lot of HIV/AIDS infected bisexual men on the loose, lending to the perception that if you were to have sex with a male bisexual, you’re going to be infected. I’ve found this to be one of those slow-blinking moments because it presumes that the guy is infected and always has been… even if he chooses his partners carefully and has always engaged in safe sex and that would include using condoms for oral sex. This bad thing migrates itself into the ugly because there’s really no escaping the fact that bi guys have gotten themselves infected and have, in turn, infected others and the knowledge that this is happening dumps a lot of fuel onto the fire, accelerating the already present fear of this intractable disease.
One of the bad things for me has always been being unable to find other men to simply talk about being bisexual. Back in the early days, this was always an issue because I just had to know that, honestly and truly, I wasn’t alone in this, that there were other men who felt the way I did and who enjoyed the things I did. The bad within the bad is that while there are plenty of bi men around, they’d rather not talk about being bi and, in fact, prefer to remain hidden; given the high degree of angst against gay men (and some other factors), this made sense but was still troublesome until I eventually settled for the fact that there’s no way I’m the only one who has this duality about them.
It’s a bad thing for a lot of bi guys I’ve managed to run across over the years; they’re not so much worried about not being able to have sex with another dude – it’s the odd sense of isolation and even loneliness that seems to hang around when you’re stuck in the middle. You’re like any other guy… but not really because even if no one else knows it or suspects, you’re not straight… but not gay. And, sure, it’s pretty bad when you want to have sex with another guy and trying to find someone proves to be difficult, if not impossible.
The ugly is what it is. There are a lot of homophobic people in the world and I’ve experienced their ire from mild encounters to ones that have gotten violent. They see bisexuals and gays – and this includes lesbians and even transsexuals – as a clear and present danger to the straight way of life and some have resorted to murder and torture to show their displeasure. I know things can get ugly when a gay man starts going out of his way to insist that he knows I’m really gay and that I should stop faking the funk, give up being with women, and allow myself to be seduced by the gay side; I’ve had some hellacious verbal arguments with such people and, sadly, a couple of times, I’ve had to defend myself against what I perceive is an irrational mindset and a lot of audacity: How the fuck are you gonna tell me that I’m really gay when what’s in my head says that I’m not? You trying to tell me that you know something about me that I don’t? How the hell is that possible… and how dare you assume that you know me like that?
But, you see, a lot of this is purely based on one’s actions, i.e., if you have sex like a gay man, then you must be really gay. In this case, bi guys know that we’re not that duck, simply and obviously because we know (even if those certain gay men don’t) that we love pussy and, in a lot of cases, more than we love dick.
Sometimes, the bad and the ugly are interchangeable… or it’s more like things can go from bad to worse and in almost every aspect. What’s important is that as a male bisexual, you define what this means to you – then stick to your guns and not allow all the negatives to sway you. It’s about trying to surround yourself with people who can be comfortable with your sexuality should you see fit to let them know – this part is also quite problematic where coming out is concerned. This can get ugly because a lot of people are of a mind that you should either be straight or gay – so you shouldn’t act as if you’re both.
At the moment, I can’t think of anything else to say about this and it’s probably time to climb back into the gutter later on…